‹ Prequel: This.
Status: You don't have to read the prequel to follow what's going on:)

The Jerk Theory

The Jerk Theory

"Niall!" I heard Marjorie shout from a distance. Hearing her voice surprised me. We were at rehearsal at Madison Square Garden in New York City. No one was planning on her showing up. But here she was, with her freckled face and pretty green eyes, running towards her boyfriend, who looked ecstatic to see her.

"Marj! What are you doing here?" He said in a surprised voice. She had finally reached him and leapt into his arms. Her legs wrapped around his waist and her arms snaked their way around his neck. He stumbled back at the impact, but just chuckled. I grimaced when I saw them kiss. It made no sense to me how Marjorie could stand kissing him.

"Oi! Save it for later tonight! I don't want to see that!" Louis shouted at the lip locked lovebirds. I nodded in agreement, but didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry for interrupting you're rehearsal." She laughed, addressing Louis. He just rolled his eyes and laughed at the reunion.

"I thought you were in Bolivia or something!" Niall asked her in a confused tone.

"I left a few days early. I couldn't miss this, Ni. It's MSG! I" She told Niall. She was still wrapped around him, and she pressed her forehead to Niall's. He smiled at her.

"I'm so happy you came." He told her, helping her back to her feet with a goofy grin. Marjorie didn't remove her arms from around his neck and they stood there for a few more minutes, whispering things to each other. Despite my best efforts, I was mad. I tried to stay calm, but I hated seeing them together. Niall was such an ass to her for months, and all of a sudden it doesn't even matter anymore.

She just ran right to him after everything. After she snogged me. After she lead me to believe that maybe she could like me back. I’m not the kind of guy that will pine after a girl. But I couldn’t get over her, because she chose Niall. Why would she choose Niall? He didn’t deserve her.

“Put the claws away.” Zayn said to me softly. I raised an eyebrow, confused at his comment. “I can practically feel your jealousy.” He clarified, nodding his head toward Marjorie and Niall.

“I’m not jealous.” I quickly insisted. I guess I was too quick to deny the accusation because Zayn just rolled his eyes and laughed. “I’m not jealous.” I said again, not appreciating the smirk he was giving me.

“Okay, whatever you say.” Zayn said in a singsong tone. It was creepy and it made me mad. So what I didn’t like seeing them make out right in front of me. That didn’t make me jealous. So what if I was pissed that Niall got her instead of me? That didn’t mean I was jealous.

“Niall!” I shouted to him. He ignored me and continued to suck Marjorie’s face off. “We are in the middle of rehearsal. Can this please wait?” I asked them. It came out ruder than I intended it to.

They pulled away and gave me weird looks. Marjorie had that look in her eyes that she got when she was talking about child labor in South America. She felt sorry for me. My blood boiled when she looked at me that way. I didn’t need her to pity me. In fact, I pitied her. She was the one that ended up with the asshole. Niall sent me a glare, which I turned away from.

“He’s right. I’ll see you later tonight.” She said to Niall, giving him one more kiss before turning away and rushing off in the direction she had come. Niall watched her leave with a goofy grin on his face. I had to make a conscious effort not to smack him.

We took our positions once more and continued running thought the show like we were going to do it tonight. My excitement about the night was being dampened at the prospect of Marjorie being backstage tonight. She was going to be here with Niall, and I had to stomach seeing them together. Even after all these months, I still haven’t gotten used to seeing it.

We got all the way through the show for what felt like the millionth time. They finally said we could go, and I was relieved. We had a few hours to ourselves before we had to report back to the venue to get ready for the show. I was content just to go back to my room and crash. I sighed at the thought as I climbed into the car that would take us to the hotel.

All of the other guys had a girl for them here except me. Because I didn’t have one. Because the one I wanted chose my best friend. I was the only member of the band that was single. I wouldn’t be single if Marjorie had just realized how wrong Niall was for her. But, no. She had to choose the jerk. Girls always chose the jerks. This makes no sense to me. I was her shoulder to cry on, the one who would listen to her. Why in the hell would she pick the one who made her cry way too many times?

“Liam.” Someone called, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Liam!” They called again. I focused back in reality and was face to face with Harry.

“What?” I said, moving away from him. It was a little hard because we were sitting next to each other in the van.

“What’s the matter? You’ve been in a mood all day.” Harry asked, tilting his head to the side. I shagged and absent-mindedly sent a glare to Niall. Harry followed my line of vision and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. He didn’t press the topic further.

When we arrived at the hotel, we were quickly ushered to our rooms because there were so many people around. I was heading to my own room when I felt someone following behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and sighed when I saw Harry. He just laughed at my reaction and followed me into the room. He bounded over to the bed and plopped down, spreading out all over it.

“Can I help you?” I asked finally, irritated that he was interrupting my alone time.

“Why are you being pissy to Niall?” Harry asked casually, lacing his fingers together and placing them behind his head. He sure seemed to be getting comfortable.

“I don’t have a problem with Niall.” I said dryly. None of the guys knew what had happened between the three of us and I intended to keep it that way.

“You guys have been weird around each other for months.” He said his tone light as if he were discussing the weather.

“Sure. Something like that.” I deadpanned. I just wanted him to leave and stop asking me questions about it.

“Is it Marjorie?” He asked, narrowing his eyes at my reluctance. My voice got stuck in my throat when he said her name. I clenched my fists tightly at my sides.

“It is! You like her!” He said happily. He seemed to be really pleased that he was onto something.

“I don’t!” I said quickly. He gave me the same look that Zayn had earlier today.

“That’s fucked up, Liam. I can’t believe you’re boning after Niall girlfriend.” Harry said, howling with laughter.

“It’s not like that.” I insisted. I watched Harry laugh for a few seconds. “You’re a jerk, right?” I asked him, suddenly inspired.

“Is that a question?” He said, wiping some tears from his eyes. He seemed confused by the sudden subject change.

“I mean to girls. Sometimes you’re a jerk.” I clarified. He scratched his head, looking even more lost.

“I wouldn’t say I’m a jerk.” He said finally.

“But you’re not that nice to them. Yet they always want you.” I prodded. “How do you do it?”

“Of course they do. I’m Harry Styles. And plenty of girls would kill their own mum’s to get a shot with you. You’re Liam fucking Payne! Where is this coming from?” He asked.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. It just seems that when I find someone who I want, I fuck it all up.” I said, rubbing my neck with my hand.

He tapped his finger on his chin pensively. I could tell he was gathering the words. “You know, Liam, my dear sweet Liam, I never thought the day would come when you would ask for advice from me.”

“Why?”

“Because we do things differently. We play the game differently.” He said with a chuckle.

“The game?” I asked, confused at what he meant.

“My point exactly. You don’t even know you’re playing. That’s what makes us different.” He said, patting the spot next to him on the bed. I gave him a worried look. “Come on.” He said, giving me his signature cheeky grin. I complied hesitantly, nervous for what was about to happen. Once I was seated next to him he threw an arm over my shoulder and began.

“Dating is a dangerous game. That’s why I play dirty. You got to know how to work the system to be successful. I always thought that girls wanted the guy that they could trust. The one that treated them like they were god’s gift to the world. I wasn’t always this good at it. I was in the same position you were not so long ago. It started when I was 16. Amy Barnes was her name. God, she was hot. We were together for a year. Then one day I wandered over to her house and saw her snogging Grayson Swallow on her front porch.” He said with a chuckle.

“Grayson Swallow. God, that guy was a dick. And everyone knew it. Went through birds like you wouldn’t believe. But there Amy was, sucking his tongue right out of his mouth. I was devastate. I was the best boyfriend you could have asked for. I was nice to her. So after that happened, I figured that if girls won’t respond to the nice guy, I wouldn’t be the nice guy anymore. Girls want what they can’t have. And this is an overarching rule. From 14 to 40 year olds. I hated Grayson Swallow with every fiber of my being, but he taught me an important lesson.”

“And what’s that?”

“What girls really want. Liam! Keep up!”

“Girls really want to be treated like shit?” I asked, trying to decipher this philosophy.

“Precisely.” He said, smacking his knee with an open palm to emphasize his point. “It keeps them keen. They think you’ll change or that they can fix you. They always think there’s a tender hearted bloke underneath. And you’ll get what you want out of them in no time. Then you just move on. No harm done.”

“Seriously?” I said, giving him an incredulous look.

“I’m serious. It’s the golden rule of dating. Be the jerk, but don’t be a jerk. You following?” He asked.

“No. I’m not following at all.” I said slowly, trying to wrap my head around this information. Harry sighed.

“Ah, my little grasshopper. The ways of the game seem daunting. I know. But it’s simple really.” He said, shaking his curls out. “First, as your wise teacher I feel that I should make it clear that this is for dating. You know, take some girl out for dinner twice and then never call her again. This is not a practice for people who are looking for a serious relationship. You aren’t looking for a serious relationship?”

My mind flashed to Marjorie. I would be interested in a serious relationship if the girl of my dreams wasn’t with my so-called best friend. “Not anymore.” I said glumly. He raised a questioning eyebrow at me. “Okay. So dating. Got it.” I nodded. He eyed me carefully for a few moments before he continued.

“It’s all about keeping them at an arm’s length, so to speak. You see, jerks aren’t ones who are interested in lovey dovey relationships. You have to make that clear. And the funny thing about doing this is it makes them keep coming back. If you say you aren’t interested in anything serious, then they’ll want you more.” He told me seriously.

“Wow. You have this worked down to a science. Don’t you?” I asked with a nervous laugh.

“Kind of, yeah. A social science of sorts. It’s all about reading people. You have to be able to gage what kind of person she is before you approach her. It’s not enough to set the boundaries.” He said. “You have to find a girl that will stick to them.”

“This sounds really hard, Harry. Is it really worth all the effort? Why can’t you just meet a girl?” I complained. He laughed in response.

“Hey. You asked.” He defended, patting me on the back. If you just walk into a bar and start getting involved with the first bird you lay eyes on, you’re bound to get your heart stomped on. I was totally gutted when I saw Amy snogging that prick. I promised myself that I would never feel that way again. I have to be careful.”

“So this whole philosophy is just you being a pussy?” I teased, nudging his shoulder. He grimaced in response, obviously not wanting to joke about it.

"I'm not being a pussy. I'm being cautious. I haven't been fucked over since I became the jerk. And my success rate has gone through the roof." He said.

"Alright. Going back to the whole 'be a jerk but don't be a jerk' bit. I'm still lost."

"Okay. Take me for example. I don't date because I want a relationship. I’m in it for a good time and maybe some good sex. I'm not a one woman kind of guy. I don't care about the way she feels. I don't care about her life. I’ll play up her personality to get what I want. By that definition I'm a jerk. However," he held up a finger. "Now this part is important. So listen up. I never ever lead her to think that there is the possibility that I could want more. I do not toy with emotions. Therefore, I'm not a jerk."

"Good god, Harry." I said, amazed at this logic.

"Now let’s talk about you and Marjorie." He said, rubbing his hands together expectantly.

"Um, there's nothing to talk about." I said, shaking my head.

"Come on. I'm slow sometimes but I'm not stupid. You like her. And she obviously doesn't like you." Harry grinned, giving my shoulder a shove.

"Thanks for that. That was a tender moment." I said sarcastically.

"I call them like I see them, mate." He replied, holding his hands up defensively.

"Whatever." I said, punching him in the arm.

"But it makes sense. Why you would raise the question of the jerk theory." He said, nodding his head.

"The jerk theory?" I said again, laughing a little.

"Yeah. That's what I call it. Sounds nice, don't you think?" He nodded, ignoring my smile.

"You're an idiot." I said, rolling my eyes.

"And you're the poor bastard who got fucked over by Marjorie." Harry pointed out.

"Really, Harry. Your sensitivity today is really touching." I said distastefully.

"Niall’s a twat. We can all agree. Yet he got the girl. Why is this?" He asked in mock bewilderment. "Because girls like jerks. Now, Niall played the more complex angle of the theory, seeing as how they're like in love now or whatever. Which I do not understand. But the basic principle it the same."

"Basic principle?"

"Basic principal.” He repeated. “Girls. Want. Jerks. He treated her like shit most of the time. Picking fights, insulting her, but she was intrigued. He made it seem like he didn't want her, when he really did. So Marjorie, as a girl, fell for it. She hated him for the way he treated her. But there was something about him. Something she couldn't put her finger on. And that's why she wanted him more than she wanted you." He explained.

"Something she couldn't put her finger on?" I pondered, again getting lost in the complexities.

"You're an open book when it comes to dating. You are the reliable one. That's all fine and dandy. But you aren't mysterious. You aren't memorable. You aren't that desirable." He said gently. I glared at the insult. "Because you let the girls have it all right off the bat. Niall didn't. He made her wonder. She thought about him, why he didn't like her. And that made her like him more."

"That's the dumbest think I've ever heard." I grumbled.

"It's dumb. But look who's got the girl and look who is all torn up about it. You. Liam. You got fucked over because you were the nice guy." He stressed, flailing his arms all over like a madman.

"Why is that so bad?"

"Because you get hurt. That's why." Harry said gingerly. He was obviously still sore about that Amy girl.

"So what do I do?" I asked. I still couldn’t wrap my head around this and I had no idea where to start.

"You either learn how to play the game, or continue to get fucked over." He said seriously, giving me a stern look.

"And what if I end up wanting a serious relationship?" I asked, just out of curiosity.

"You're on your own. You’ll have to ask Niall how he got it to work for him. That is not my specialty." He said with a disgusted look on his face.

"Okay.” I shrugged. “Will you teach me how?"

"Seriously? You really want to be a jerk?" He said with a surprised grin.

"Well if you and Niall can do it, why can't I?" I said defensively.

"Okay. Fair enough. The jerk theory can be taught to any that are willing to learn." He agreed with a nod. "Tell me, Liam. What do girls want?"

"Girls want jerks. No matter how much they insist they want a nice guy, they’re lying. They can say it all they want, but nine times out of ten, girls will chose the asshole if the opportunity presents itself. So here I am, the nice guy, with nothing to show for it. And Niall was the asshole and has one of the most amazing girls on the planet completely mad for him."

“Well, well. This is going to be a lot easier than I thought I was going to be.”
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oh harry...corrupting sweet liam...tsk tsk:)

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