The Jerk Theory

“I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to keep my cool, but I just can’t anymore. I can’t believe its you!” The girl gushed. I couldn’t remember her name. Just as well I suppose, since she was turning out to be absolutely mental. She was pretty enough, with shiny blond hair and bright blue eyes. But like I said…mental.

Harry seemed to think it would be a good idea to set me up. Its like he thought I was totally inept when it came to women. He said that some girl that lived in his complex would be perfect. They chatted on a regular basis and seemed cool with the whole fame thing. So I agreed to meet her for a casual dinner tonight. Turns out Harry was wrong.

“You’ve always been my favorite! You totally have the best voice! When Harry suggested us going out I almost couldn’t believe it!” She continued on. Obviously this night was a bust, but its not like I could up and leave. She seemed like a nice enough girl, she was just a little star struck. And I had no idea what her name is.

“Uh, yeah. I can’t believe it either.” I chuckled uncomfortably. I hated when people treated this. They didn’t need to fawn all over me and tell me how perfect I was all the time. It wasn’t true and it is creepy.

“Oh my god! My friends will never believe this! You know that don’t believe that Harry and me are friends? We totally are and now I’m on a date with Liam Payne!” She said, pulling her phone out and typing furiously. I raised my eyebrows at her.

“Do you think the paps saw us?” She asked enthusiastically.

“Probably. It seems they can always find me. “ I shrugged, grimacing at the thought of the media reporting something stupid about my life. Her eyes grew wide and she bit her lip, trying to hide her smile. I continued to look at her, unimpressed. I was about to say something else when the waiter interrupted us, or waitress as it turns out.

“Hi, my name is Holly and I’ll be taking care of you tonight. Is there anything I can get you to drink?” She recited, looking over to the Nameless Girl. The waitress looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t decide where I had seen her before.

“I’ll just have water, thanks.” She replied with a tight smile, obviously not pleased that she had arrived to disrupt our engaging conversation. The waitress turned to me and I nearly choked on my saliva when I recognized her. It was the bitch from the party a couple weeks ago.

“Oh, Liam! Nice to see you again.” She said with a knowing smile. “Keeping yourself busy, I see?” She gave me a flirty wink. Nameless Girl glared at us and I chuckled. She was just as presumptuous as I remembered.

“Oh yeah. Real busy.” I said sarcastically. Holly seemed to understand that I was less than excited to be on this date. “I didn’t know you worked here.” I said casually, loving the way nameless girl was glowering.

“Yeah. I pick up a shift now and then. I like to stay busy.” Holly replied, tucking a stray hair back into her sloppy ponytail.

“Barkeep and waitress. Any other occupations keep you busy?” I asked. I saw Holly’s lips twitch in a smile when Nameless Girls fist tightened around her silverware. I couldn’t help but wonder if Harry would approve of me flirting with the waitress while I was on a date. Seemed like a classic jerk move, right?

“You’ll just have to wait and see. I’m full of surprises.” She purred, placing a hand on my shoulder. I was thankful that she was playing along. If I had to suffer thought dinner with a crazy fan, then I deserved to have a little fun.

“I’m looking forward to it.” I said with a smile. “I’ll just have water, too.” I said, getting back on track.

“Of course. I’ll be back to take your order in a bit.” She said to be, intentionally ignoring Nameless Girl. I couldn’t help but watch Holly walk away. She looked very nice in her tight black work pants. She was annoying as hell, but fit as fuck.

“Liam!” Nameless girl exclaimed, trying to get my attention back. I turned back to her reluctantly and she started jabbering. I like to talk, but she was just saying nonsense. There was absolutely noting to follow. I rested my chin in my hand and waited for Holly to return. After what felt like a million years, I saw her walking back with the water.

She sat them on the table and sent me another flirty grin that wasn’t concealed and Nameless Girl glared again. I smiled back and thanked her for the water. She slipped a small napkin next to my glass and I noticed there was some writing on it. I gave her a confused look and she just nodded, and then proceeded to take Nameless Girls order.

Blondie has been eye fucking you all night. I bet she already has your children named.

I looked down at the napkin and laughed a little too loudly. Holly gave me a smirk and Nameless Girl looked at me curiously. I nodded my head slightly and Holly smiled. I rattled off my order and once again watched her leave.

“Liam?” Nameless Girl said again. “Are you even listening to me?”

“Of course, babe.” I said, looking into her eyes. She looked unsure for a moment, but I threw in a smiled and she forgot all about how inattentive I was being. Our food came, and Holly and I continued to flirt Nameless Girl was getting real fed up about it, but all I had to do was smile at her and everything was fixed. By the end of the night, I was in physical pain.

“Thanks for tonight. I had a lot of fun.” Nameless Girl said after I paid the check. We were still sitting at the table, but I was itching to get out of there. She was looking at me expectantly, like she was waiting for me to proposition her. I had no intention of ever seeing her again; hooking up was the last thing on my mind.

“Yeah, loads.” I said dryly. It was a horrible night, and definitely not fun. Well, I had fun with Holly, but she wasn’t the one I was on a date with. We stood up and left the restaurant, I was I little more reluctant to go than she was. I followed her to her car and opened the door for her, like a gentleman.

“We should get together again sometime.” She said, not stepping into the car.

“Yeah. Maybe.” I said unenthusiastically. She smiled even wider and placed a kiss on my cheek before getting in the car and driving away. I waved at her before she pulled out of the parking lot. When she was finally out of sight, I let out an audible groan.

“I can see the headline now. ‘Liam Payne and new girlfriend share smooth in parking lot!’ Its gonna be big!” I heard someone say behind me. I recognized the voice and turned to meet Holly’s smirking face.

“Please. More like ‘Liam Payne commits suicide after the most insufferable date in history.’” I replied. I couldn’t help but laugh. Something about being around Holly made me want to laugh.

“That bad, huh?” She said sympathetically. I shrugged and kicked a pebble that I saw on the ground.

“It was horrid.” I said, shuddering at the memory. “You know, you aren’t as annoying as I thought you were. I had fun with you.” I told her honestly.

“Aw! Liam, that’s so nice. We’ve come a long way since you told me to go fuck myself. I knew there was a heart of gold somewhere.” She said happily. But her words were dripping with sarcasm. I rolled my eyes, instantly regretting the compliment.

“Oh god. I take it back.” I moaned. I laughed anyway.

“You aren’t as bad as I thought you were either. Except for the fact that you were a horrible date. Don’t think I didn’t notice you checking out my bum when I walked away.” She told me, wagging her finger at me.

“I’m not sorry.” I said in a mock defiant tone.

“I know you aren’t. Which makes me feel flattered and scandalized all at the same time.” She told me with a nod. I laughed at her response and buried my hands in the pocket of my jacket.

“Walk me home? Its like two blocks from here.” She said, suddenly nervous. I raised an eyebrow at the request and considered my options.

“I can give you a ride.” I offered.

“No, I like walking. You don’t have to walk me, I just…thought I’d suggest it.” She said, her sharp tongue was gone and she fiddled with her ponytail. She smiled and started to walk away. I watched her go for a few seconds.

“Hey, its pretty late. I’ll walk you.” I told her, talking a few large strides to catch up to her. She smiled when I fell into step with her. We were silent for a few steps. The only sound that could be heard was the occasional car driving past and the slap of her sneakers on the pavement.

“So this is the second time I’ve run into it while I was working.” She said, pulling her jacket tighter around her body.

“Yeah. Weird huh?” I said, glancing over at her.

“Yeah. You know what they call that, Liam Payne?” She said, bumping my shoulder. I was thrown off balance a little, but the action seemed so natural. She seemed really comfortable right now, like we hung out all the time.

“What?” I said, trying to hide smile. Something about this girl made me smile. Her wit and pretty face were a fatal combination and I couldn’t help but be intrigued.

“Serendipity.” She said, throwing her arms out to the side and doing a small turn. I laughed loudly at her terrible dancing. She just shrugged.

“Serendipity?” I asked with a chuckle.

“Yeah. Finding something you weren’t looking for.” She informed me, slipping her hand into the crook of my arm. The soft pressure felt nice, so I didn’t try to push her away.

“We’ve found each other, then?” I asked her.

“Yes, Liam. We have.” She confirmed. “I would like to be friends with you. You seem like you could use a friend, and so could I. The universe has spoken.”

“Oh the universe again?” I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t decide if she was being serious or not.

“Yes. The universe.” She confirmed.

“Okay then. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want to be friends with girls.” I said gingerly, looking over at her again. She just smiled in response.

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to fall in love with you or anything. Guys like you aren’t my type.” Holly said in a casual tone. Her hand readjusted on my arm, reminding me that she was holding onto me.

“Guys like me?” I chortled.

“Jerks. I’m not the kind of girl that expects more than what people are willing to give. We aren’t compatible at all. But we can be friends. I think we would have a smashing friendship.” She said, giving my arm a gentle squeeze.

“I doubt we’d be very good friends.” I told her.

“I disagree. I could help you find better dates than that train wreck, and in return you can do whatever I tell you.” She said with a small giggle.

“Sounds lovely.” I replied, laughing along with her.

“I’m serious, Liam. We’re going to hang out tomorrow, and I’m going to help you get a date. Then you’ll see what a good friend I am.” Holly assured me. We arrived in front her building. She gripped my arm, pulling me to a stop. She took her hand away from me and stepped towards the door. Her hand lifted, giving me a small wave.

“Why do you want to be friends?” I asked her when she had the door half open. She turned around and gave me a pensive look.

“I don’t know yet.” She replied. At that, she stepped into the building, leaving me out on the street. I sighed, and began the walk back to my car.