The Jerk Theory

“Oh my god! He named it? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard!” Holly snorted into her coffee. I frowned at her for a moment but chuckled anyway.

I was attempting to explain The Jerk Theory to her with little luck. Of course she wouldn’t understand. She’s a girl. But I figured if she was going to help me get dates she should at least know what I’m looking for. She had very ungraciously invited herself over so that we could “get to know each other.” I was wary.

“I don’t know. It seems to be a valid thesis.” I shrugged, waving off her disregard with my hand.

“This isn’t science, Liam. It’s you being a dick, and giving it a name.” She retorted, the smirk on her lips indicating to me that she was in face, joking.

“It’s worked out for me so far.” I argued, thinking back to my dates over the past few weeks. Sure, most of them were flukes, but I got in a good shag or two.

“Whatever you say.” She giggled. “This Harry bloke sounds like a total prat.”

“He’s not! He just… does things differently. And since it all went to shit the first time, what’s harm in trying something new?” I defended. It wasn’t just Harry she was insulting what she insulted The Jerk Theory.

“Okay. I’m not a man so I can’t have an opinion on the matter.” She held her hands up in a fashion the read ‘I surrender.’ I smirked at my narrow victory in the conversation.

“Thank you. So you still wanna be friends? What with me and my mate being prats and all.” I teased in a light tone. Holly rolled her eyes in response.

“It takes a lot more that being a prat to scare me away. And I wouldn’t have any friends if I denied them friendship because I didn’t agree with your life choices. We’re different when it comes to relationships. That’s perfectly alight.” She patted me on the arm.

“What makes us so different?” I asked.

“I’m a little more intense about commitment and stuff. I’m like the kryptonite of The Jerk Theory.” Her eyes grew wide and she clamped onto my upper arm very forcefully. I let out a grunt at her strength and tried to push her off.

“That’s it, Liam! That’s why we’re perfect.” She said happily and slapped her hand on the tabletop. “The universe has given us this friendship because there is virtually no possibility of us liking each other!”

“Er, okay. Turn down the mental a notch please. It’s not even past noon.” I said with a wince. She made a face at me then took anther sip of coffee.

I grinned at her stupidly. I decided I didn’t mind her so much. She had that kind of personality that just made you want to smile for no reason. And she was cool about the whole “Jerk Theory,” which I hadn’t anticipated. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to have a girl on my side.

“Liam! You have got to explain this, you cheeky bastard!” I heard Harry shout from the front door. He had a strange habit of walking into my flat uninvited and unannounced. I groaned at his appearance.

“Who’s that?” Holly questioned as she held her mug up to her lips again. Everything about her demeanor was calm and collected. Which was a big contrast from my nervous energy. Harry was a little much right off the bat. His first impression wasn’t always ideal.

“Harry.” I muttered just as he made an arrived in the kitchen area. Holly got a knowing smirk on her face when her eyes fell on Harry.

“Why, hello.” Harry said cheekily to Holly who rolled her eyes in response. “I didn’t realize you had company, Liam.”

“That’s because you weren’t invited over.” I reminded him. He grinned at me innocently and took a seat next to Holly. Since we were sitting at the breakfast nook in my kitchen, Harry was able to slide in really close her on the small bench seat.

“I’m Harry.” I told Holly, extending his hand.

“Holly.” She replied, slipped her small hand into his massive one. I was worried that Holly would get all wide-eyed and ditzy in Harry’s presence. No matter how cool the girl was they turned absolutely useless when Harry trained his dimples on them. But Holly looked unimpressed, much to my relief.

“Liam hasn’t mentioned you before. New acquaintance?” He said suggestively. I kicked him from under the table and he yelped in surprise. “What?” He complained to me, rubbing his sore shin.

“Yeah. Me and Liam recently became friends.” Holly said, seeming to enjoy Harry’s pain.

“Just friends, eh?” Harry replied cheekily, forgetting about his injured leg and producing a rolled up magazine from the back pocket of his jeans. “Not according to the latest issue of Gossip Weekly.” He said dramatically as he flattened it out on the table.

“What?” I asked confused. Perhaps it had something to do with him calling me a ‘cheeky bastard’ when he walked in.

“Yeah. Listen.” He said with a laugh and flipped through the pages of the book for a few moments before finding what he was looking for. He cleared his throat, prolonging my curiosity. I glared at him and then he began.

“Two in one! Months after splitting with his ex, Danielle Peazer, One Direction heartthrob Liam Payne was spotted out with a blonde bombshell at Café Lang in London last night. According to some diners, Payne seemed distracted the whole meal, regularly flirting with the waitress. His date didn’t seem to mind, since she planted on one him in the parking lot afterwards. Shortly after, Liam was seen talking to the same waitress he had been flirting with. The pair walked off together a few minutes later. Just friends or is Liam playing the field a little too hard? Watch your back, Harry, there’s a new womanizer in the making!”

Harry looked up from the magazine and smirked at my face. I’m sure I looked absolutely horrified. He offered the magazine to me and pointed out some pictures that were taken. There was one of me and Nameless Girl walking in, one of Holly with her hand on my shoulder at the dinner table, one of Nameless girl kissing me on the cheek, and finally one of me and Holly walking together.

“I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t be prouder. And I appreciate the shout out, although I will not be dethroned, thank you very much. The mentor stays the master!” He insisted, wagging his finger around.

“Jesus! I was stalked last night!” I said incredulously, ignoring Harry’s commentary. I’d never been so thoroughly followed before, which was a little bit worrisome to me. I hadn’t been too worried about anyone seeing me since the parking lot was fairly deserted when me and Holly started talking.

“They definitely got my bad side in that one.” Holly commented, leaning over the table so that she could see as well. Harry laughed and gave her a weird look. I could tell that he was trying to figure out why Holly was here.

“We’re friends, Harry.” I stressed, pushing that magazine back at him. Harry leered and shook his head.

“I believe you. Although all of Britain thinks you shagged her last night.” He laughed, and then stopped. “Unless you did. I’ve never been a “friends with benefits” kind of lad but if-“ He was cut off by me kicking him in the leg again.

“We aren’t shagging. He just walked me home like a perfect gentleman. We are indeed, just friends. Which I say is a blessing, considering the kind of company he keeps otherwise.” She said distastefully, eyeing Harry carefully.

“What’s that suppose to mean?” Harry challenged, narrowing his eyes at her.

“Nothing. Just an observation.” She said casually, suddenly becoming very interested in her coffee.

“Do you have a problem?” He asked her, his voice taking on an edge that I wasn’t too keen on.

“Other than the fact that I think you’re a proper twat…” She said thoughtfully. “Nope.”

“You don’t even know me!” He retorted, glaring at her.

“Oh but I know of you. The Jerk Theory sure is something. It seems that your reputation precedes you.” She commented, pointing to the line in the article that mentioned him.

“You told her?” He asked me, confused. The Jerk Theory was obviously pretty demeaning to women so it was an unwritten rule that you didn’t tell them about it.

“She’s fine.” I retorted simply. He looked back to Holly who nodded in agreement.

“If its any consolation, I think Liam is a proper twat too. But we all have out philosophies, right?” She said affectionately, grinning at me. I smiled back then looked to Harry who was still confused.

“Like I said, Harry. We’re friends.” I repeated.

“Okay. Whatever.” Harry said, studying Holly. She glanced over at him, noticing his staring.

“Now, Liam and I were going to go look for I dare. I am very interested to see this plan in action. What to come?” She said to Harry. Harry gaped at her for a beat and then smiled.

“I would love to.” He said eagerly, climbing out of the breakfast nook and getting to his feet.

I cleared up our coffee cups as Holly and Harry chatted away. They seemed to be getting on just fine. I couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Their personalities together could get very lethal. I was putting on my shoes as I heard Harry break out into a loud fit of laughter.

I sighed as I watched them make their way to the front door, his arm slug over her shoulder as he continued to laugh. I let them out of the flat first then followed after them. Harry put his other arm over my shoulder and pulled Holly and me close to his sides.

“I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”