Hidden Habit

It all started when Harry and Edward had their fifteenth birthday party, all of Edward's friends crowded into they Styles' twins' home and ate cake and sang happy birthday, nearly forgetting to include Harry's name in the mix of lyrics. And Harry was just a body bumping into everyone else, taking up space. Harry knew that Edward's friends talked to him to be nice, because if they didn't try with Harry then Edward would say something about it. Harry knew it as well, secretly wishing to be left alone by the people he only kind of knew and he wanted to hole up in his room away from the pity smiles and sympathetic conversation.

And that's exactly what he did, making a smooth escape upstairs to his room and drowning himself in music, trying to push away the worries plaguing his mind.
And that's where it all started really, once the party was mostly over Edward had found him, sprawled out on his bed singing I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt like it was his own life story. From that moment on those occurrences happened a lot more often, Edward finding Harry singing up in his room, his voice holding all of the emotion in the world. Harry caught on to the fact that Edward wasn't just stumbling upon him, singing to all the bands he'd never heard of, Edward was actively seeking it out, trying to find him when he'd sneak off up to his room, waiting to hear music faintly seeping out of his room.

All of these 'accidents' are what prompted Edward to sign up for X Factor auditions without telling him. It had been over a year since he'd first heard Harry singing, and a few months since he'd gotten his hands on the application and filled it all out with Harry's specifications and information. And he'd been keeping it all a secret until it was five days until the audition, then he'd told his mother what he'd done and they stood in the kitchen trying to figure out a way to coax Harry into actually going for it.

"Harry, will you come downstairs? Mum wants to talk to us about something." Edward watches as Harry's innocent eyes go wide and worried.
"It's not gonna be bad Haz, just come down and talk." Harry tried not to worry, tried not to get nervous and fidget as he dragged himself off his bed to follow his brother down the stairs.

Harry walked into the living room to find his mum and brother looking oddly suspicious and hesitantly sat down on the sofa.
"What's going on guys?" Edward catches the nervousness in Harry's voice and in the way his eyes dart around like he's looking for some obvious sign that he's somehow missing.
"Honey, your brother and I wanted to talk to you about something, it's about your singing."
"I'm sorry if I'm loud, I can stop, I'll be quiet." Harry watched their faces change, dropping into shocked expressions.
"Harry, no. We don't want you to stop." Harry tries to read his mothers face but can't decipher what's going on.
"Harry, I did something, and I know you're going to say no right away, but please, please do this and please don't be mad at me, I've been listening to you sing for over a year now and I just know you can go somewhere with it, and I know it makes you happy, so please don't write this off, think about it okay?" Edward seems genuine in the way he speaks and the words he says seem true enough so Harry agrees with the nod of his head.

"What did you do?" His voice is shy, the way it is when he's around people he only kind of knows.
"A few months ago I saw that there were going to be auditions for X Factor in Manchester, so I got an application and filled it out for you. The audition is in a couple of days… five days actually, and mum and I really want you to try out. Please, do this."
"You… you- I can't, I can't do that. I won't make it, I'm not good enough Eddie, I can't." All of Harry's insecurities came rushing forward, all of the 'you're not good enough' 'you'll never be great' flying at him at the speed of light.

"Harry, please. I know that this will make you happy, I know that they'll love you, I know how happy you could be, I want to see you smile again, like you do with me, I want to see you smile that way all of the time. I swear to you, you will make it, you'll be great and people will love you for you. I'll help you practice, I'll do whatever it takes to get you to that audition, please take this chance. I know you can do it."

After constant pleading and very persuasive persuading Harry had agreed, although a bit hesitant and reluctant to actually go forth with this, insecure about all the people he'd have to meet and afraid he would be told he wasn't good enough.

But Edward was right by him the entire time, talking him through his worries and reassuring him of his talent, practicing his song for five days straight, in the car on the way to Manchester and not leaving his side in the queue. Edward was more of his rock than usual, he knew how out of character this was for Harry, how afraid of rejection he was and how badly he really wanted this, he knew how happy it could make him, and he knew that Harry wanted nothing more than happiness, he'd always say, "I just want to be happy all of the time, Eddie." His eyes sad and fighting tears, he knew that if he heard "you're not good enough," that it would break him, and Edward was positive that he'd get through and be great, just like he'd always wanted to be.

Manchester is where everything changed. It's where Harry's life was twisted and morphed and flipped inside and out and turned into something barely recognizable as his own life. And it wasn't his audition that changed it all, it wasn't the acceptance of the crowd that made him smile like a little boy, and it wasn't getting through to the next round that changed him or his life forever. There was one person, one single person who just by looking him in the eye changed his entire life.
At first he was just a camp boy with bright blue eyes and a caramel colored fringe, he was just a boy who bumped into him in the toilets at the X Factor.
It started with the collision of the strangers body running into his own and Harry apologizing with a worried "oops" and the camp boy smiling, offering a hand to shake and a "Hi." Something about him made Harry smile, all teeth and dimples, something that rarely ever happened. As it had turned out, he had seen Harry's audition and asked for not only an autograph but a picture, because "I just know you're going to be big one day." And something in Harry snapped, whatever worries and sadness he had vanished, just like that, with the boy introducing himself as Louis. Louis Tomlinson. and Harry smiling like an idiot saying I'm Harry… Styles. Harry Styles. It was that moment when Harry realized he was smiling and giddy and happy in a way he hadn't been in ages, and he loved it. He loved the way his smile hurt his cheeks and he just wanted to go run and tell his family about the boy in front of him, with blue eyes and espadrilles on his feet, and it was strange because he'd never felt that way before, but he was okay with it, because he was genuinely happy.

Fortunately the loo wasn't the last time Harry saw that boy, and his smile didn't fade the rest of the day, or even the next morning. Edward was the first to notice the change in him, his sudden happiness and the way his eyes seemed brighter, and Harry didn't say anything about it being because of the boy he'd met in the toilets, he made it out that getting through to bootcamp had him grinning.

Harry wasn't sure if meeting Louis the first time was better than the day he was put into a band with him, wasn't sure if seeing the excited blue eyes for the very first time compared to finding out that he and Louis, along with three other boys, would be in a band together, that he would finally have his own friends… but more importantly, he'd be able to see Louis everyday. Knowing that Louis wasn't going to be leaving him unless they left X Factor was reassuring, yet nerve racking. But it all made Harry want it so much more, he wanted to win, had to win, because that was the only sure way that Louis would stay in his life and the sadness would stay away and his smiles and laughter would remain the way they always did when Louis was around.

Although that thought process was fairly short lived, because Harry was Harry and he was the way he was and as much as he wanted to, he couldn't change who he was. He still got sad, the looming darkness weighing his shoulders down and pulling the corners of his lips into a frown and he'd find himself holed up in a practice room or not talking as much as usual some days. And people noticed, people knew it was strange, that Harry was more than flirting and cheeky smiles, there was something in him that dragged him down, but no one mentioned it, just made sure he was alright and left him to be, give him the space he needed… or they thought he needed.
And no one really thought that Harry had always been this way, carrying around this unbearable weight that he didn't understand, that maybe this Harry was who he really was before X Factor, and that being here, in this big house with people who were his friends, just his, not his brothers or acquaintances, changed him. That maybe a boy with crystal blue eyes and soft brown hair flipped his entire world around, changed everything about who he was… and even though they didn't consider this, it was the truth.
Harry became who he always wished he could be because of Louis, he was who he was with his brother, he was happy, funny, cheeky, flirty, occasionally loud and laughed with his entire body. He was someone people wanted to be around and talk to and have a laugh with, and he loved it. He loved being someone people looked at with happy smiles with no trace of pity, he loved making others laugh so hard tears formed and tummies ached. And he loved how brave he was, singing in front of a massive crowd every week, standing beside four other boys who shared a dream they all thought would be an impossible if not for this opportunity.
But just because this new found bravery and sudden change in personality had Harry smiling and laughing, it didn't change everything. He was still plagued by worries and fears and wished to tell someone about, but never found enough of his new found bravery to do so.

Throughout his time spent in the X Factor house around the three other boys they'd all become brothers, always there for one another and they told each other all about themselves… well mostly. As for Louis, he was more than a brother, he was Harry's little secret in a way. Nobody knew that most of his smiles and laughs were because of Louis, because he existed in Harry's life. The two boys were closer than the rest of them, Harry became used to random hugs and sloppy wet kisses being smacked onto his cheeks, having no personal space while watching television, or anything else really. If Louis was with Harry they were most likely keeping some sort of contact with one another, whether it be them pressed together, side to side on the sofa or Harry's fingers brushing against Louis' arm discreetly. And Harry wasn't even sure why he did it, why he found himself needing to keep contact with the boy who so suddenly came into his life and flipped everything around without even knowing what he was doing.
Harry figured he'd grown more attached to Louis because he was the first one he'd met out of the group, and Louis made him laugh the most and Harry really loved that. And it was never that Harry wasn't close to the other boys, because he most definitely was. Niall was loud and happy and always smiling, Zayn was a bit quiet and always had a great knack for understanding things and people and Harry liked talking to him because of that, and then Liam was always watching out for all of them, keeping an eye on them, making sure no one was upset or getting frustrated during practice, and kept Niall well fed and became Louis' partner in getting into trouble, telling him if he should do something mischievous, and to Harry he was like a rock, keeping everything together and okay.

It was the X Factor that brought them all together and changed their lives drastically. They became massive as One Direction, they may not have won X Factor, but they kind of did. They had gotten signed to Syco, they had been on the X Factor tour and done a tour with Big Time Rush, they'd done their own headlining tour and had another one planned for the coming year. The five boys had been through more in two and a half years than most people would in a lifetime. They'd seen the world, they'd met thousands and thousands of people and signed more pictures of their faces than they could ever count. Their lives were everything they thought they'd never be, and Harry enjoyed it until no end. He loved preforming, signings, interviews and his life in general. He was happier than he'd ever been in all of his eighteen years and it wasn't going unnoticed by his family either.
Edward had caught on long ago that something in Harry had changed. He'd question Harry about it from time to time, lacking subtlety every time. And Harry would just say that the band was doing so well and he was happy to finally have a life that kept him busy and on his toes, unlike before. Although Edward never fully believed his brother, he'd let it slide, hoping Harry would one day come to him and tell him what had changed him so much, but for the time being he was happy that his brother was enjoying his life with smiles and laughter and the sadness was seemingly gone for the time being.