Hidden Habit

It wasn't until Harry was nearing on nineteen that someone actually took the time to ask about his life before, in more detail than where he'd come from and what he'd done before he was one fifth of One Direction. The question had caught him off guard during an interview, that was most unfortunately live on radio and streaming on the internet. It was one of those things where it should be a question with an easy answer, it shouldn't have made his cheeks darken and mind swirl with 'you're not great' 'you'll never be great' and all of those things he'd managed to somehow put behind him.
Everyone eventually caught onto the prolonged silence and tension, Louis nudging Harry a bit with his elbow to get him to answer and to Harry's surprise he did, although, maybe not in the way he'd hoped.

"Harry, what kind of guy were you before One Direction, what was your life like?" The questioned was nearly drowning Harry's brain.

"I- I wasn't anybody. I was just Harry from Holmes Chapel, trying to find my way I guess. I didn't have a lot of friends, but I had my brother Edward and he was enough of a friend to me, and understood me, which I think was good enough for me, to just have someone who understood me, because very few people did… or do. I wasn't much of anything before One Direction, and I'm so thankful to have this opportunity to be a somebody, and to have these four guys who are now an extension of myself."

The answer was one that no one had expected, no one knew Harry would be so outrightly honest, no one knew that Harry wasn't always this person with the cheeky comments and confident personality, it was a surprise to hear Harry speak in such a way, so emotional and slightly embarrassed, because Harry hated crying or being too emotional and he rarely got embarrassed.

After another tense pause in conversation the interviewer moved on, asking the other boys questions and lightening the mood, which everyone was thankful for, but no one was fooled. Everyone knew that Harry was a bit cut up, his slumped shoulders and sad eyes were easy enough to read and he wasn't really hiding it either.

Once the interview had ended the four boys were hyperaware of everything Harry did, said, every move he made. It was so unusual to see Harry this way, because it rarely ever happened. He was always so level headed and calm, laid back and unbothered, but this… this Harry was on edge, fidgety, nervous and so obviously wrecked because of what had happened in the interview.

And the boys didn't let it go either, everyone had piled into Harry's fairly new home, the one he'd bought after moving out from the flat he'd shared with Louis. It was only a matter of minutes before they were all sat down in Harry's large living room, looking at him with worried eyes and curiosity.

"Harry, what's wrong? What happened back there?" It was Liam, always concerned about his well being.

"Nothing. Nothing happened. I'm fine." And it was a typical Harry answer, not wanting to talk about it, not wanting anyone to worry or be overly invested in his emotions, because he was already buried deep inside of them himself.

"That's crap, Haz and you know it. How come you never told us? You never ever talk about your life like that, you've never said anything like the to us." Harry knew it was true, because he never did talk that way about his life or anything and Louis would know, because he lived with the guy for a little over a year.

Harry just kind of hung his head, embarrassed and upset, he didn't want to admit to being completely friendless before the band, and he wasn't happy about having to talk about this either.

"Harry. C'mon." Louis scooted closer to him, his fingers wrapping around his bicep lightly, comforting and Harry just tried to let his mind focus on that. The warm touch, constant, steady, understanding.

It took a long minute and a deep sigh, but Harry pulled his head up, looking at each of the boys quickly before speaking.

"It's not a big deal. I didn't have a lot of friends… or any really. But I mean, it was okay. I had Edward, and he was enough. I didn't need any other friends because he filled the position for me, I didn't really want any other friends anyway. Edward has always had lots of friends and I went with him everywhere, followed behind him because I really didn't know what else to do with myself. And he let me, he knew that I was lost and even if I didn't want to be around people I barely knew I didn't really want to be alone all the time either. He got it and let me be and at home we'd be brothers and I wasn't the painfully shy, barely able to speak in social situations- guy. I was… I was who I am now, but probably a bit less happy. He just got it, he understood that I didn't want to be out there with everyone else, for whatever reason… I don't even really know why myself, but it doesn't matter, because he understood. I just… I wasn't always as happy as I am now, I haven't always been so out there with people, I was a lot different before X Factor. I'm sorry for freaking you guys out, I just kind of hate having to say "I'm Harry Styles and I was pitiful and friendless before X Factor." So… yeah, I'm fine now. I've got you guys and that's all I need."

It wasn't a massive secret that Harry had been a bit low on friends since the boys had known him. All of the other boys had close relationships with friends back home, Liam with Andy, Louis and Stan, Niall and well… basically everyone Niall knew before, he was exceptionally friendly, and Zayn with his cousins, his family was big and most of his relatives doubled as best friends, but Harry didn't have anyone, no one he spoke about often, not even Edward. It all kind of clicked for them then, that Harry never spoke of anyone or texted anyone because there was no one to text or talk about, and it also explained why he'd made so many friends that were celebrities, from Nick Grimshaw to Ed Sheeran, he didn't have any 'regular' friends, because he had never had any.
And it all seemed quite odd to the four other boys because Harry was so friendly and polite and could charm the hell out of anyone, it was quite shocking that someone like Harry could not have friends.

However, the four boys took it in and accepted it, that Harry was kind of a loner before and it's just the way it was. They didn't ask why he'd changed so much or what changed him, or anything else. They just let it be. And Harry didn't offer up anymore. He didn't say it was Louis who changed him, the first time he'd ever seen him, those eyes and lovely Doncaster accent. And he didn't tell them how he hated his house, he hated everything about it because it wasn't home, not like the flat he shared with Louis was. And he didn't tell them that he hated it because Louis wasn't there in the morning or late at night on the couch watching shit telly… and he didn't tell any of them that the first week in the house they were all currently in, he'd cried himself to sleep. The first day he'd thrown a fit, knocking everything off of his kitchen counters and screaming and punching his walls, fat tears falling endlessly down his cheeks. And he didn't mention that a quarter of that anger stemmed from how little he'd changed, how much of the old him was still there and how much he really needed Louis, how much that one boy had impacted his life. He didn't say anything, he just let it be, let everyone sit there and believe that he was absolutely fine and he'd be just fine.

What Harry never realized was that Louis left before everyone else and wasn't seen for hours afterwards. Harry had no idea that Louis had left to call the only person who understood Harry more than he did, his brother. Louis had called Edward before and vise versa, but never talked to him about something so serious, never something that was about Harry's past either.

"Edward?"

"Louis? Is everything okay?" Edward was always a bit worried for his brother, knowing the way he'd been sad before and hoping to God it wouldn't happen again.

"I'm not sure… I was hoping you could meet me today, in Birmingham? If you can get a ride or a train there and then I'll meet you and we'll drive to London together, you can stay with Harry or I for a bit… if it's okay with you and your mum?" Louis knew he had to see Edward in person, he couldn't ask him such personal things about Harry over the phone, it seemed wrong.

"Yeah. I'll leave now. Just tell me, is Harry okay?" Louis could hear the deep worry in his voice and nearly cringed.

"Yeah, he's alright. I just need to talk to you about some things. I'll meet you in Birmingham, just text me when you're there yeah?"

"Yeah. I'll see you soon."

----

It took around 2 hours for Louis to make the drive, trying his best to go the speed limit and not break any laws.
Edward had texted him nearly an hour ago saying he had arrived in Birmingham and he didn't want to make him wait any longer than necessary.

It was a relief for both boys when they saw each other, Louis knowing he'd get answers and Edward seeing Louis was alright assured him Harry wasn't hurt or anything of that nature.

Louis helped Edward with his bags and they headed to London. The car ride started off quiet, both boys a bit nervous, Louis for the answers he's be getting, fearing the worst, Edward for what was actually going on, and why he was called to come to London so suddenly.

"Are you going to tell me why you called or do I have to sit in worry for another hour?" Edward hadn't meant for it to be harsh or mean, and Louis knew it as well, he was just nervous and it was understandable.

"I asked you here so I could talk to you about Harry… we had an interview today and it was just… It was really weird. The radio host asked about Harry's life before the band and he said that he wasn't anybody, that he didn't really have friends before and after that he was a different person, he just changed, like someone flipped a switch and he turned into someone we'd never seen before." Louis turned to look at the face identical to Harry's, checking for any sign that something was really wrong.

"Louis… Harry has changed a lot since X Factor, literally the day of auditions something changed, he had his audition in front of the judges and was the Harry I'd grown up with, and then after awhile he disappeared to the toilets or something and when he came back he was the Harry only I had ever been able to see, he was smiling and talking and I knew something had happened, but he just said he was happy about getting through… He's been the chatty, charming Harry ever since then really."

"You mean, Harry wasn't always the way he is now?" Edward could hear the disbelief in his voice ad understood how it would be hard to believe… Harry hasn't shown anyone who he once was in years.

"No, not even close. I mean, he was with me, but only when it was just us. He was a wallflower before X Factor, he didn't have friends, and not even my friends were his friends, like it normally is with twins. He umm… he wasn't very happy, and he talked to me about it a few times, but never really said a whole lot. I mean, you can see it sometimes, when everyone else is talking around him and he's there, watching everything happen, you can see who he used to be, that he's still got the same mind set."

"He told us he didn't have friends, that you were enough, that you filled the position," Louis laughs a little, sadness evident in his attempt at easing the tension, "He said he wasn't always as happy as he is now, and I just kind of assumed that he'd never been this happy, our lives are so different now, and I mean, none of us have ever been this happy… but- but you mean he's really never been like… -he's never really been happy much at all, right?"

"Yeah, Harry's never really tried to make friends, he's always said he doesn't need them, doesn't want them. And I know that it seems like a simple statement, but I think there's a lot more to it than that. For awhile I thought he didn't try because he was shy or afraid people wouldn't like him, but as we got older I really realized that he was serious, he didn't want friends, he wanted to be left alone. He liked it better, he'd hole up in his room and do whatever he did, sing, write, or just stare at the wall… which I've caught him doing more than is probably normal, but that was the way he was."

"When you said he talked to you about not being happy, what did he say?"

"I'm not sure if I should be telling you this… I've probably already said enough to piss him off if he found out. It's not really my place to say."

"Edward, please. I need to know, I see the way he slips away from things and would rather stand in the corner and watch it all go by, I see that he's not always as happy as he lets on. He smiles differently when it's forced, he's not always the happy Harry, I just… I need to know what's happening inside him you know? Then I can be there for him and try to understand."

"Okay, but keep in mind that he hasn't told me everything, he's got a lot going on in his head. Whenever he talked to me about it he'd always be so… careful. He'd choose his words like they had to line up just right, and he never let anyone say he's depressed, and I know it's because he wasn't… isn't. Or at least, it's not the way he feels about it. He's been this way for years, since we were about twelve, and it was more noticeable when we were about fourteen and from then on it just progressed, he couldn't hide it as well… it just kept building and building. He used to tell me that he didn't understand, why it was him carrying it around, why he had to have this sadness on his shoulders… why was he the only one getting upset over the things no one else noticed, there was one night that he crawled into my bed and cried because he saw the way some kids at school were treating each other and he was gutted, like it really hurt him, and he wasn't even apart of it, he was just a bystander, and he just looked at me with the saddest eyes in the world and asked, "Why are they hurting each other, how do they not see how much pain they cause?" And I could barely look at him, it physically hurt to see how badly he hurt because of it, and I couldn't answer him, I didn't have the answer and he knew that, he knew I didn't know, and accepted that as best as he could… but he never stopped being hurt by the world. I'd like to say that it's just because he's sensitive, he feels other people's pain, but I think it's much more than that. I think he thinks in an entirely different way than everybody else, he sees things and tries to understand and everything is okay when he does, but when it's a couple fighting in a shop or restaurant or on the street or kids teasing one another and taking it a bit too far, he sees that and it's like he takes all that sadness and carries it around because he's the only one who can see it. He sees the way someone's face drops just that little bit when they're teased and it strikes that nerve where it's something that really hurts you, but no one else knows that, and you hide it from them, you hide how much that comment hurt you, but Harry… Harry sees that and it sticks to him and buries itself inside him and he holds onto it so that person doesn't have to…"

"Do you think that he's still like that? That he's really not as happy as we all think he is?" Louis turned away, he couldn't look at Edward, his face resembled Harry's too much, the pained eyes were too much.

"I think that he wants to be as happy as we all think he is, so he tries, you know? But I don't think he's letting you guys see who he really is, maybe just who he wants to be. And it's not because he's not comfortable or anything like that, it's probably so far from personal really, it's just him. He's so smart, like unbelievably smart, he knows so much and I think all of the things he picks up on, sees when no one else is looking only makes him smarter. But there are things that he's never understood, it just doesn't click, because he's so far into thinking about it that it's all tangled and intertwined, like a tumbleweed and he can't untangle it or let the knots loose. You sit him in an english class that seniors in university take and he'll sit and listen and understand and walk out unfazed, he just knows those things, understands language and how words go together, you ask him to solve a quadratic equation without a calculator and it may take a minute or two but he'll get it, he'll sit an figure it out… but you put him in a room with three other people and he won't get it. He'll watch them communicate, hear their words and try to decode every little thing, he'll see the things no one pays attention to, it's like people are the worlds most difficult book to read or the hardest math problem ever, and he looks at it and is defeated, but he still tries.

"I'm trying to explain this the best I can, it's just, Harry isn't like anyone I know, he's just who he is and I grew up with him and accepted him like a brother should, I was there when he needed me to be and did what I could for him. He's so different, and it's hard to wrap your head around, he's so many things and I think most of the time when I take a moment to really think about my brother I usually just come up with 'How is he so many things, so many kinds of people in one body?' Because he's everything, he's not just Harry… he's… Harry. Even though that makes such little sense it's ridiculous."

Louis found it hard to hear about Harry in any context other than what he knew him as, but he was also fascinated, intrigued, he wanted to know Harry so much more than he already did. And he completely understood what Edward said by Harry being more than just Harry.

"I get it. I mean, he's not just who he is… that didn't make sense… It's hard to word. Harry is a lot of things and it's just like you know him and yet you know nothing about him at all, and you think about it and just try to understand but all you can really do is think 'how?' Because how is he so much, how can he be this international popstar and also be this guy who nobody knows when everything there is to know about us in plastered on magazines and out there on the internet… He's like a massive conflicts of interests in a person."

"I think that might be the problem though. I think he just wants to be one of those people… you know? He wants to be either Happy Harry or Sad Harry, rather than being sandwiched between both."

Louis just nods and the conversation fades out, coming to an agreeable close. There is only a few minutes left until they reach Harry's house and Edward is a bit anxious, he's not seen Harry for quite awhile and it's always so nice to see him, since he went sixteen years with seeing his face everyday, doing nearly everything with Harry by his side. He just hoped that Harry would be okay for real, not just trying to be happy like he so badly feared.