Kissing in Cars

I didn't really believe what they said. I nodded towards my mom, dad, Ms. Perry, at Jaime, Mike, Tony and Vic. But I still didn't believe it. I was at fault for what happened to me. They all keep trying to say I'm not, but they weren't in the relationship. They didn't go back to the bedroom. They didn't keep drinking. I did.
---------------------------------------
When my mom finally came to see me, I fell apart right there. I knew the other guys were watching as I fell into her arms crying, but I didn't care. My mom was supposed to comfort me when I was upset and I was extremely upset. She was as well; she was crying and apologizing and hugging me over the course of the next two or three hours as we sat with Ms. Perry and discussed what would happen next. Vic had sat with me for a while as well, holding my hand and comforting me, and I almost began to think maybe he liked me but I dismissed the thought quickly. I was disgusting, no one could ever like me. Anyways, Vic had stayed with me until Mrs. Fuentes called, requesting her boys come home and bring Tony and Jaime. She told me that it'd probably be a good idea for me to just spend some time alone, sort out my thoughts, then told me she wished me well and hoped I'd be over soon. That I was in need of some original Fuentes Family enchiladas.

And maybe I was. I'm not sure really what I need or want. Right now I feel like I imagine Charlie from Perks of Being a Teenage Wallflower must have felt like. Numb and emotionless. And as far as I could tell, Vic was bound to be my Sam.

Maybe that's what I'll tell my therapist today, since that's what I'm thinking and that's where I'm headed. What we decided, the next step to getting better, therapy. So they had looked through therapists until we found one I thought sounded well. His name was Dan Campbell and according to his bio, he was also in a band. That was all I knew about him and I'm not going to lie, I was extremely nervous to meet him. Maybe I should tell him that too. I probably won't though. Or I will.

My thoughts remained on the topic, tell him or don't tell him everything I've felt, and not felt, since that night, as my mom drove us towards the therapy center. Houses blurred past my window but none really registered in my preoccupied brain. I was vaguely aware my mom had begun talking but chose not to focus on it, instead I turned my attention to the sign in front of the parking lot we were pulling into. San Diego Mental Health and Therapy center. Very interesting name. In the lot about 5 cars were scatters about. One especially caught my eye, a large black van with different stickers covering the doors.
"Do you think that's his car? He did say he was in a band and that looks like a band guyish ride," I said to my mother, pointing out the car.

"Maybe. It does look very band guyish that's for sure. But then again if he's a therapist I imagine he'd have a bit nicer of a car."
"I guess that's true. I hope it's his car though, it looks cool." I rambled as we walked toward the building. Once we got into the waiting room, my anxiety began to build up and my mood went down. It felt like everyone in the room was staring at me, surveying me and taking guesses at what was wrong with me. The judgmental stares felt like lasers in the back of my head and I felt my heart climb up my throat, strangling me from the inside.

What if they knew? What if they could tell just by how I looked that I was a pathetic boy who willingly stayed with his abusive boyfriend then stupidly went back to the room after realizing he was drugged? I'm sure they know, and I'm sure they think I'm stupid and pathetic, just like I am... I could barely breathe and I felt pressure building up behind my eyes trying to push out. I whispered to my mom quietly that I'd be going to the bathroom then picked up a map of the building. Following the directions I made my way to the bathroom, quickly entering and locking the door behind me. I leaned up against the wall, trying to remember what I'd read on the Internet to do in this case. I figured first things first, breathing. I closed my eyes and focused on the darkness as well as taking deep breaths. Soon enough the pressure behind my eyes eased and I had calmed down slightly. I pushed away from the wall and went to open the door, stopping when my phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out to see who texted and smiled slightly when I saw the name. Vic texted me a small message, knowing I was going to therapy.

“Hey Kels, good luck with the therapist. Hopefully he’s chill. After you should come over, moms making tacos but will probably make enchiladas if you come. Also, I’m sick of just Mike, Jaime, and Tony haha :P”

“Yeah, thanks. And I’d love to. I’ll ask my mom after therapy” I answered quickly, feeling my mood brighten slightly. Ever since that night I’d been under watchful eyes and now it would be nice to just hang out with someone else
“Mr. Quinn? Are you in there?” A pleasant voice asked from outside the door, along with a knock which startled me.
“I, uh, yes. Just a sec,” I replied, locking my phone and stuffing it into my pocket. I pretend to dry my hands, killing a couple hundred trees, then opened the door. A young woman in a secretary outfit stood outside, a startled look overtaking her face momentarily after I opened the door.

“Hello, Mr. Quinn. I came to tell you Dr. Campbell is ready for you.”
“Okay,” I answered simply. She smiled and told me to follow her to his office. I trailed behind her, counting the steps until I arrived at the small room. In front of me she stopped suddenly, causing me to nearly run into her. I apologized, not meeting her eyes, then entered the door she’d opened. Inside a slightly buff man who seemed to be in his late twenties sat. I stood in the door way, my stomach tumbling as thoughts began to resurface. I didn’t know this man and I don’t know what he’s capable of. I’m going to be in a room, alone, with him.

My brain began to come up with the memories of that night, only changing, shifting them to make a similar scenario only here. After all, I thought I knew Matty and he still tried to rape me, but I don’t even know this man.

The ideas began to cause my breathing to be troubled, tightening my throat and forcing tears to appear in my eyes. A small whine popped out of my throat, surprising myself and the man at the desk.

“Kellin?” He asked, eyebrows pressing together. I nodded in response, unable to speak.
“I’m Dr, Campbell, you can call me Soupy though. Are you okay?” He asked. I shrugged and attempted to smile.
“Then why don’t you come in?” He asked, already pulling some therapist shit on me.

It didn’t matter though, I still tried to walk into the room, ignoring the sudden shakiness of my legs. My chest restricted tighter as I walked further in. He looked at me, studying me, and I felt the tears pop out of my left eye, rolling down my cheek.
“Kellin, what’s wrong? Are you able to breathe? You’re shaking badly,” Soupy spoke up again. My subconscious received the words, my normally responsive part of the brain overwhelmed with every possible bad outcome of this. Every bad scenario played in my head and I felt myself start to sway. My lungs ached for air and what little real vision I had, began to blacken. I heard Soupy push out the chair then felt myself going down. My head slammed against the floor, knocking me out of my trance. I opened my mouth, sobs coming out in between gasps for air. I pushed up halfway, scrambling to get to the wall and into the corner. Soupy, with a straight face, closed the door then turned to me. His mouth moved, but I heard nothing. I began to crawl fasted towards the corner as he began walking towards me. Once he realized what I was doing, Soupy stopped and sat down where he was. I didn’t understand why he did, but I didn’t care. I continued till I was in the corner. I sat there for a good five minutes, crying and coughing and trying to breathe. Eventually I began to calm down. My tears stopped and I wiped at my eyes, trying to get the water off my eyelashes.

“Kellin?” Soupy asked, finally making it into my head again. I glanced towards him, refusing to let him see my face.
“Yes?” I responded faintly.
“Do you need a tissue?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, I have some on my desk. Do you wanna come get it or do you want me to hand it to you?”
“Will you pass them to me?”
“Sure,” I heard shuffling, then shoes tapping against the floor. I glanced toward his desk and saw him grab a container of tissues in a floral purple box. He returned to where he was sitting and slid the box over to me. I grabbed a few tissues and blew my nose, mumbling a thank you to him.

“Do you wanna talk about what happened right there?” He spoke up.
“No.”
“Do you wanna know what I think happened right there?”
“No.”
“I think you had a panic attack. I think I know what triggered it, but for your sake I won’t bring it up. But were you uncomfortable being in a closed off space with just me, Kellin?” He pressed on. I sighed, not wanting to answer but knowing I needed to.
“Maybe.”
“I think so. What do you think about meeting outside in the courtyard next time? That way we won’t be closed off just us, okay?”
“Okay.” Soupy didn’t say anything after that, just sat there and played with the laces of his shoe. I glanced over at him and fought the urge to smile. He had on a plain grey t-shirt with black skinny jeans and Van’s. He wasn’t dressed how I imagined he would be, but it was comforting. Soupy looked up and finally made eye contact, smiling at me.

“Are you graduated from high school now?” He asked me innocently, accidentally sending a shot of discomfort through me.
“Yeah,”
“That’s cool. High school sucks, doesn’t it? All that shit about it being the best years of your life is a lie. I’ve been out of it for I don’t know maybe 10 years and I still don’t miss it.”
“Really?”
“Nope, not at all.” He told me definitely. “Anyways, your session is up Kellin. It was nice to meet you, hopefully next week you’ll feel a bit better. I’m gonna leave my card on the table beside me so you can have it. Feel free to call me whenever you need help. I won’t get mad I swear,” Soupy laughed, lying a little business card of the dark table. Once he was done with that, he walked back to his desk and sat down in his chair. I stood up and emerged from my hiding spot. I walked over and grabbed the piece of paper and headed to the door. Once I opened it and started out of it, I felt a little bit of guilt bubble up.
“Bye Soupy,” I called, looking at him over my shoulder and waving.
“Bye Kellin,” He smiled.

I continued walking out into the waiting room where my mother sat tensely, staring at where I would come back from.
“Hey mom,” I greeted her. She smiled and relaxed noticeably once she saw me.
“Hey sweetie, how was it?”
“Okay. Can I go over to Vic’s? He wanted to hang out.” I asked quickly.
“Sure. I’ll drop you off on the way home.” She promised. I thanked her then allowed her to lead me out the doors. I was excited to finally chill with him again. I just hope he won’t try to talk about it all.