Status: Whenever I can.

Kissing in Cars

Can't Keep This Up Anymore(Chapter 27)

"So, we have to wait to be official until I'm better?" Kellin asked me, propping himself up with one arm. We had spent the last hour watching Doctor Who and cuddling. We had gone all the way back to the first season, as Kellin had never watched any of Chris' episodes yet and he was one of my favorite Doctors.

"Yeah, or at least until you're mentally stable enough,"

"But I am!" Kellin interjected, refusing to accept that he wasn't fit for a relationship. It was kind of sweet how much he wanted to be with me, but I knew it wouldn't be a healthy relationship if we started it now.

"No you aren't Kells. Think about it. You just started therapy, you are still afraid to be alone with any guy besides myself it seems, you won't even hardly go into town. Sweetie I hate to deny us a relationship, God knows I hate it, but it's for the better. If we start dating now, whose to say our relationship will be able to progress out of fear that either of us is still to weak to go farther."

"So I'm weak?" "Would you disagree with that? Are you saying that right now, if I told you I wanted to leave our friendship, you'd be okay? If I proposed, you'd be okay with living with just me? If I told you I wanted to have sex, you'd be okay with it? Are you telling me the idea of being intimate with me doesn't scare you, not even a little?"

"No, you're right. I'm weak." Kellin sighed and looked away, fidgeting with his sleeve slightly.

"Okay wait, maybe weak isn't the best term," I told him quickly, realizing the effect that word could have. I didn't mean to bring him down, only give reason, "You aren't weak, you're just hurting, scared, and healing. Not weak though, definitely not weak."

I watched a small smile form on Kellin's face and, against my better judgment, leaned in and gave him a little kiss on the nose. Kellin jerked back, his eyes wide and petrified for a second until he relaxed, letting himself smile even more.

"I thought we weren't supposed to be in a relationship yet? That seems like a very relationship-y thing to do," Kellin pointed out with a blush.

"Yeah, but it is also something friends can do. And we are very much so friends. Besides, I said no relationship, not no flirting."

"In that case," Kellin started, reaching his arm out to me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulling him in closer, then sitting us upwards. I sat up with him and leaned back against his chest, relaxing into his body. Kellin sighed happily and shifted to make himself more comfortable. We stayed like that for a few moments before he shifted again and I felt his breath tickling my neck.

"So, Mr. Fuentes," Kellin whispered into my ear, sending goosebumps and blood rushing through my body," would you be interested in joining me for a fun, totally platonic, non-romantic outing Tuesday evening?" "

"Well, since it is strictly platonic and non-romantic, I don't see why not," I whispered back, leaning my head backwards onto his shoulder to look up at him. Kellin's cheeks were flushed, pressed upwards towards his eyes thanks to his smile. He looked so happy and I felt so proud knowing I was part of the reason behind it.

"Hey, Vic?" Kellin asked me after a little bit, his voice wavering slightly.

"Yeah?"

"Can we, can we go for a walk? I love sitting here with you but, anxiety." Kellin told me softly. I leaned forward immediately, not wanting to continue putting him through an anxiety.

"Of course, but are you okay? Do you need anything?" I asked quickly when I saw him, his eyes glistening with little tears.

"No it's fine I just, like, touching people gives me anxiety," Kellin explained, glancing away from me quickly.

"I understand, don't worry. Lets go for a walk, yeah?" I remind him, climbing out of my bed. I reach out for him to help him up and pull him out of the bed and into me. Kellin bounces off me, a little giggle popping out while he does. Kellin grabs my hand and stares at me for a second before pulling me into him.

"Can I borrow a jacket?" He asks softly, holding me against him. My 'yes' is muffled by his chest and he refuses to let me go, to get it. His arms wrap around me, clutching me desperately. I wrap my arms around his waist and let him rest his head against me. I herd him sniffling and fight the urge to ask if he's okay. Instead I rub his back, trying to calm him down from whatever upset him.

After a little while Kellin pulled away, wiping at his eyes and nose. He smiled sadly at me and asks for the jacket again.

"Sure, just a second," I promised, heading over to my closest. I pulled out a random black hoodie hidden in the back of my closest and hand it to him.

"Here, this one should be good enough," I offered him, holding it out. Kellin took it out of my hand hesitantly and pulled it on.

"Are you ready?"

"Yeah," Kellin's hand wrapped around mine and he followed me down the stairs and outside. The sun had set and a cool breeze blew around us, not to cold though. We walked side by side in silence down the street, bumping into each other and giggling as we bounced together and apart.

"So, Kell's... How did therapy go today?" I ask finally, trying to come up with something to talk about. Kellin stops giggling and his face grows somber. He stares at the ground and fiddles with the buttons on his coat.

"Therapy was, uh, therapy. Lots of insanity and stuff."

"Is your therapist nice?"

"Yeah! Soupy is pretty great. He was really chill about everything and I just really liked him," Kellin answered, his mood perking up slightly. "He gave me his cell number in case I ever needed help and wasn't mad when, when I uhm... never-mind he was just really cool."

"What happened?"

"It was nothing really," Kellin tried to lie, not succeeding even slightly.

"Come on Kell's, what happened?" I continued to ask despite him avoiding it. It was important to me, I needed to know what was wrong if I was going to try to help fix it.

Kellin's focus turned to me and he just sort of watched me, his eyes scanning over me. He bit his lip and turned his eyes down to my hand focusing on grabbing it and playing with my fingers. I wanted him to tell me though, so I wrapped my hand around his and used it to pull me closer. I held him by the waist and leaned in to press our foreheads together.

"Look Kellin, I know a lot of stuff has gone down recently and it's pretty scary for you right now. I know you think everyone and anyone may turn on you suddenly and although I have no idea of how you feel, I know it's not good. I realize that you may want to try to keep it all in and pretend you don't feel what you do and push it away, but you need to talk. You need to talk to me, to your mom, to Soupy, to everyone. We're not asking whats wrong just to use it against you, we genuinely care," I tell him, staring at him and refusing to look anywhere but his watery blue eyes. Already red from his previous out burst, his eyes were getting redder and tears were building up. Still, he kept his mouth in a tight line, not answering me at all.

"Please Kellin, I need to know whats going on. I want to know about how therapy went. I want to help you as much as I can but I can't if you won't talk to me nor tell me what's wrong or any of that. I love you and I want to help you and be able to date you." I continued, not worrying about dropping the word love. It was true, I'd said it a million times before and I wouldn't deny saying it now just because we were sort of dating.

"Can we wait until we get to the park? Then I'll tell you, I swear," Kellin begged, pointing to the little park a little ways ahead of us. I agreed to wait and let go of his waist, moving away from each other slightly but not letting our hands go. Kellin's pace was significantly slow and I had to pull him along slightly to make sure we kept moving at all. My thoughts were based all on what could have happened during therapy that could have made him so hesitant to talk about it and found myself getting more and more anxious. Although there weren't many things I could think of that would have upset him so much, it was scary knowing there was something.

Finally we reached the park and Kellin led me to the swings, settling down in the highest one. Mine wasn't much lower and I found myself quite embarrassed when I had to climb in by resting a knee on the swing seat and pulling myself up with the chains.

"So, today during therapy... A lot of things happened," Kellin began, fiddling with his hands again. I didn't say anything, just watched and waited.

"Okay, so uhm what happened wasn't that big of a deal, mostly embarrassing. See, when I got there I already was really anxious. Like super anxious, guts flipping, i'm-going-to-pass-out-but-first-i'm-gonna-vomit kind of anxious, and it got worse when I realized my therapist was a male. And it all got to much I guess when I got to the door and he asked me to come in and shut the door, take a seat at his desk. It was in the back of the room and there was no easy way out. I knew no matter what I did in there, no one would hear. It...It made me think of the bedroom and the music and Matty," Kellin paused, tears forming in his eyes and his breath getting caught in his throat. I grabbed his hand and held it tightly, nodding at him when he looked up at me. "Anyways, so I froze there, I started freaking out and I couldn't breath and somehow I ended up in the corner. I was yelling and crying and I couldn't breathe and it was terrible and all I could think of was how here I was yet again alone with some guy and how stupid I was and what could happen and so much else and it was terrible. Eventually I calmed down, but I went overtime of what I was supposed to have. I hated it and was so embarrassed."

I didn't answer yet, just pulled Kellin over to me and hugged him, rubbing his back to try to calm him down. Kellin clung onto me for dear life and continued to sob.

"It's okay Kells, it's over and now you're here with me. I can't even imagine how scary that was, but it's over now. You're safe I promise, you're safe. And you aren't stupid or to blame either, so don't be embarrassed. It will be okay, darling you'll be okay I promise," I whisper to him, pressing my lips against his head in-between sentences.

It takes a while, but eventually Kellin calms down and we decide it's time to walk back to my house. The sunset had turned to night and I knew my parent's would be angry if we weren't back home soon. We didn't talk most of the way, just held hands. The silence wasn't uncomfortable though, it gave me a moment to think. What Kellin told me, it wasn't really much of a surprise, much as just disappointing. Not so much the fact that it happened, so much as that he was embarrassed by himself and thought he was stupid and probably to blame too. I just wish I knew how to take the guilt from him, to have him realize it wasn't his fault. Then again, that was why he was going to therapy I suppose.

What if therapy didn't help though? It may teach him to cope, but can it teach him to release the guilt? What if Kellin always blames himself? What if he starts self-harming again? I knew i wouldn't be able to bare with knowing he was self-harming.

Whatever happened, I would just have to help him get through it. That's what I decided by the time was got back to my house. Kellin had told me he was tired and just wanted to go up to bed. I was fine with that, I was tired as well. Mostly though, I was looking forward to being able to hold him as he slept and protect him from his bad dreams.
♠ ♠ ♠
OMF HELLO so finally got the new chapter up and ready:D I'm really excited okay I have a lot of plans for this story now so yay c: I hope you all like this chapter, please tell me what you think and hugged me feedback!! Feed back is the best, makes happy(: also shout out to JagkBaraNuts for editing! Thank you so much!!(:
In other new, as we pull into the Holiday Season for Christmas, that means oneshots! So if you're interested, keep an eye on my page(: I hope you all have a awesome Christmas if I don't update this before then, love you all<3
Xøxø
Meg