I've Been Going Insane, I've Been Thinking Too Much Of You

It’s so weird how one day life can be so perfect and then the next it’s just terrible. To be honest I never expected my life to be this way, my friends abandoning me, my parents not giving a shit about me because apparently I’m not mentally stable? But at least I have Kellin to help me through it all. He’s been my friend ever since I was 19, he got here with me because Jack thought we both needed help. Kellin lives in the room next to me but sometimes he sneaks out in the middle of the night and comes to my room, we both stay up talking about anything. I feel comfortable with him, I feel like I don’t have to worry about anything when I’m with him; it’s like he’s the person that keeps me sane even though my friends don’t think I’m not. It’s weird how they think Kellin isn’t either.

I don’t even remember how I ended up in here all that I remember is that I’ve been here long enough to know everyone and where everything is. No one visits me anymore, they’ve given up on me; the only person that hasn’t is Kellin. He’s always there for me when I need him, I just need to knock on the wall or just call his name out and he’ll come to my room as soon as he can

I always had good days and I rarely had bad days but today was a bad day. The nurses gave me this weird pill that makes me sleepy and all I want to do is cuddle up with Kellin but I call him and he’s not here, when they give me that pill they always move him from his room so he can’t come to my room and talk to me and I miss him right now. I decided to get up and knock on the wall where his room is supposed to be, I sat down on the cold tiled floor and rested my head on the white wall, brought my knuckles up and knocked 3 times. I waited patiently but there was no response, I knocked 3 times again but there was still no response. Somehow I had some hope he was going to answer but he never did. The tears fell from my eyes on their own, I didn’t want to cry; I wanted to show to Kellin that I could be a day without him but that was a complete lie.

I cleared my throat and dragged my tired body to the bed, I pulled the covers up to my neck and closed my eyes. “I just want you here” I whispered to myself in hopes that Kellin might hear but of course he didn’t or else he would’ve been here by now. I moved closer to the wall to leave a space for Kellin when he gets here tomorrow. With the slow effects of the pills I started to feel my body more numb with every second that passed until I felt nothing else.

~~~~~~~~~~

It was 2am and the sun was far from lighting the sky, I slowly opened my eyes and looked beside me, my heart sunk when I saw that Kellin wasn’t there.

“I’m over here dummy”

My eyes lit up at the sound of the familiar voice coming from the window and my heart started to race, there was something about Kellin’s voice that made my heart beat fast. I fastly got up from my bed and made my way to him.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here yesterday, I couldn’t make my way out of that room”

“it’s ok, I was just bummed that you couldn’t get here but now you are so it doesn’t matter anymore”

Kellin smiled and wrapped his arms around my neck making me blush pretty bad.

“so you missed me?” he asked while giving me a smirk.

“yeah, a lot actually”

“good because we‘re going to spend the whole day together, I need to show you something”

“What is it?”

“I‘d rather show you” he said with an inviting look, he unwrapped his arms around my neck and headed to the door, opening it and signaling me to head outside of the room.

“no what are you crazy?” I exclaimed, I never actually sneaked out; the expert of that was Kellin not me.

“well that’s why I’m here right?”

I laughed at his joke, I didn’t think he was crazy, he might be the most sane person in this hospital but the nurses didn’t think so, they avoided him as much as possible they didn’t even look at him. I think that’s why he could sneak out of his room so easily.

“come on I swear you’re gonna be fine, I’m not gonna let anything happen to you, I promise”

I debated on just staying in my room and sleeping or going with Kellin to wherever he wanted me to go and actually have a nice time with the boy I loved but Kellin’s smile made it hard to resist so I fastly put on my hoodie and my Toms and hurried out of the room as he followed behind me.

“where are we going?” I asked curiously, I literally didn’t know what he had planned for today but somehow it scared me, I wasn’t one to break the rules but I guess I was breaking the rules for being in love with a boy. I’m sorry, God.

“it’s a surprise now grab my hand and follow me” he extended his hand out to me and I didn’t hesitate to put my hands on his, they felt nice and soft just like they always did. It may be corny but I truly thought Kellin’s hands were made to hold mine.

We made our way out of the hospital and found ourselves in the cold snowy street. I looked back to see how everything looked and it surprised me to find nothing but and endless dark road.

“come on” without thinking it twice I hurried to Kellin’s side and grabbed his hand letting him lead me to wherever he wanted to go.

After walking a good hour and a half we finally got to where Kellin wanted to go, I was quite a bit surprised when I realized we were at a cemetery.

“Kellin what are we doing here?” I asked hurrying to his side, it was cold and to be honest this place scared me.

“I want to show you something” Kellin said with a tone I haven’t heard him speak in before, he was actually being serious so this scared me even more. Somehow I had the feeling I’ve been here before but couldn’t recall when.

We started walking closer to the tombstones and with every step we took my heart felt like it wanted to jump out of my chest. After the awkward silence we had while walking, we got to a tombstone that had flowers in it and by the looks of it, they looked like they’ve been there not too long ago.

Kellin sat down in front of it and patted the space next to him inviting me to do the same, I sat down and placed my legs close to my chest trying to avoid not kicking any of the flowers in the tombstone.

“you know, I didn’t want to say anything about this to you because it meant that I’d have to leave you and that’s the least I want but I have to do this because I’ve dragged this on way too long”

“what are you talking about?” my voice shaked, it was noticeable that I was scared of what was coming next.

I saw him hesitate to tell me, something was scaring him it was obvious he didn’t want to tell me anything. I noticed he looked at me with guilt in his eyes, like he’s done something terribly wrong.

“I don’t want you to hate me” he said while grabbing my hands, his hands were sweaty and shaky.

“I could never hate you Kellin, what’s going on?”

He got up from where he was sitting and held his hand to me so I could stand up too, I did as he suggested and stood next to him waiting for him to say something.

“wipe the snow off the tombstone”

I looked at him confused not really knowing why he wanted me to do it, I was scared to know what was written on it and to be honest I didn’t want to know.

“Justin can you please just wipe the snow off the tombstone?”

“n-no”

He looked at me shocked like he couldn’t believe I wasn’t doing what he wanted, anger was noticeable on his face. He started walking to the tombstone and I stood there watching him walk further away from me, something told me I shouldn’t follow him. For the first time in my life, I was scared of Kellin.

He stopped in front of the stone and wiped the snow off of it, he asked me to stand next to him and read what was written on it but I couldn’t move, the cold was making it hard to move and my fear had something to do with it too.

“Justin come here, don’t make this harder than it already is”

I started walking slowly to him not keeping my eyes off the stone, with every step I took I started to notice what was written on it and that’s when my whole world crumbled down.

Kellin quinn
April 24 1986 - December 7 2012
Loving son and friend

“no, no this is wrong t-this can’t be what kind of sick joke is this Kellin? What are you trying to do to me?”

“I wouldn’t joke about this, I’m only trying to tell you the truth, I’ve dragged this on way too long and it’s time you actually accepted the truth”

“t-truth? What truth?”

Kellin sighed and started walking towards me, I started to walk away from him. Nothing made sense, everything was so confusing to me, I didn’t understand what Kellin was trying to tell me with this, I just knew nothing good was going to come out of this.

“Justin listen to me, don’t run away”

“just tell me already! What the fuck is going on Kellin?!”

“you want to know what’s going on? I’m dead Justin! I’m fucking dead! I’m 6 feet underground and I’m not ever getting out! That’s what’s going on”

“y-you can’t be dead, you’re right here! You’re right in front of me!”
Kellin started walking towards me again and this time I didn’t back away, I just couldn’t move anymore I felt my whole body give up on trying to escape this… whatever it is.

“I’m not in front of you” he raised his hand to my head “I’m right here” he said while poking my temple.

“w-what? No, no you’re not! You’re right in front of me! You’re not dead!” I said confidently although doubting some of my words. “I-I’m not crazy” now that I was doubting.

“you’re not crazy but you’re in a mental institution, your friends left you, your parents left you and all of this happened right after I died”

“this is not real, that’s it, I’m-I’m sleeping this is just a really bad dream”

“Justin, I’m not here to make you feel like shit, I’m here to tell you that you need to come to your senses, I’ve been with you since you were 19, I know how your mind works and right now you’re in complete denial just please listen to me” he said while putting his hands on my cheeks, I fastly pulled them away, if he was inside my head why did his touch feel as real as I felt? Why did my heart race every time I looked at his green eyes, why did his hands feel so warm and nice against my skin?

“don’t touch me” I said with a stern voice, I could actually pin point the moment Kellin’s heart broke, if he even had a heart.

“don’t do this, just listen to me give me a second to explain it all. Please?”

“what else is there to explain? I’m crazy, that’s it I’m completely delusional”

“it’s my fault this is happening just please give me 20 minutes to explain it all and I’ll leave you alone so you can actually live your life like a normal person and get out of that terrible place”

“that place isn’t terrible because you’re there to make it all better”

“Justin, you have to understand! I’m not real! I’m dead! This is all inside your head! None of this is happening right now! Snap out of it!” he said while shaking my shoulders hoping I would really come to my senses, there was nothing he could do at this point, if he wasn’t real then I didn’t want to be real.

“I-I don’t want to snap out of it”

“w-what? Justin this is wrong, stop being an idiot and just forget me!”

“I can’t forget you because I love you!”

I noticed a small smile form on his mouth and I noticed happiness on his face that was turned into a worried look more than anything. I heard a loud band and I started to fall, Kellin’s screams were muffled and I was starting to lose sight of him. I fell to the soft frozen grass and only had sight of the clear black sky, everything felt lighter and numb, I closed my eyes and drifted into what seamed so be a heavy sleep.