Don't Waste Your Time on Me.

Jack

It's been two weeks since Alex had his last meltdown. He's been fairly fine since then, only getting upset every now and again. The memories kept coming back slowly but steadily and to be honest, I was more than relieved that Alex was as good as back to his old giddy self. I was stuck at work for the next five hours, but even after that I wouldn't go straight home to curl up on the couch with my boyfriend, no. I had promised May to take her out for dinner, because we haven't seen each other in over a month's time which was highly uncommon for the two of us. Knowing that I wouldn't be home until late at night I had sent in Phil to not only keep Alex company but also get his mind off of my other co-worker which Phil was still unconditionally and - might I add - hopelessly in love with, Dan. I was happy though that Alex and Phil had grown quite attached to each other and I often couldn't help but 'aww' out loud whenever I saw them lazing around at our apartment, needless to say that this ended up with me getting hit by a cushion quite often. Finally, after so many years of being lost, I felt at home.

But life hasn't been all bright and happy for Alex and me, not at all. We've been together for about three months now and as much as it pained me to say, as much as I wanted to not think about it, I couldn't ignore the fact that with each day passing, Alex was one day closer to death, one inch deeper in his own grave. He still looked normal and healthy though, so we both chose to blatantly ignore the obvious and pretend that everything was fine. "We'll cross that bridge once we come to it, Jay." Alex always told me and I would only nod, knowing deep down that once we actually came to that bridge it would be far too rushed and hurtful to talk about it, but I always let it slip, for Alex.

Alex's mom still hadn't contacted him in any way which pissed me off to no limits, because hello? You can't just abandon your dying son, for fuck's sake! But that, too - much like every other problem we should probably better face and not hide from - was something Alex and I never talked about, because quite frankly: it was easier to live in our own bubble and ignore the rest of the world than to let reality get the best of us and think about all the 'what if's and 'why's. My caramel haired beau was happy and for the moment that was all that mattered, Alex had always been everything that mattered and I wouldn't change that for anything. I would soon learn that everything in life was evanescent, that eventually all things must pass and I still wasn't quite sure how I would handle it. The thought of Alex dying bothered me more than I let anybody know and I was unsure of how life would be without the beautiful boy falling asleep next to me at night, without me waking up and his smile being the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. I tried not to dwell on it too much, but it was hard. Like I said, life wasn't just rainbows and unicorns and glitter for me, but I would cross that bridge once I came to it.

I was abruptly shaken from my thoughts by no other than Dan Howell not so lovingly slapping my cheek. I quickly zoned in again, trying to process what just happened before bringing my left hand up to the stinging flesh after several minutes of confused motionlessness.

"Damn you, Dan! That actually hurt!" I exclaimed, my lips instantly turning into a frown to what the brown haired British boy only chuckled, responding with a cocky "Oh, come on, Jack! It wasn't even that hard."

"Yeah, that's what I told your mom last night after she attempted to suck my dick." I muttered, left hand still pressed against my cheek.

"Dude!" he exclaimed, face contorting in mild disgust "That was so uncalled for!"

"That's what your mom said after I came on her face." I was full on laughing now, not able to properly breathe what may have been pretty pathetic considering I was laughing so hard over my own joke, but it seemed to have an affect on Dan who soon joined in, both of us standing in the hallway of the hospice, clapping like retarded seals.

"You're such a weirdo, Jack Barakat." Dan said once his laughter had subsided, letting out an airy laugh.

Before I could think of a witty come back I felt someone's hand creepily touching my shoulder. I turned around to be met with Judy's stern face, lips contorted into a tight frown. Her facial expression had not only me but also Dan worrying, because Judy was normally a carefree and happy twenty-year-old who, no matter how stressful her day was, still managed to leave the hospice with a smile at the end of the day.

"What's up, Judes?" I asked, concern evident in my voice as well as my facial features.

She gulped, hand coming up to readjust her thick black glasses on her tiny nose "Jack.. it's about Alex." she stated as calmly as possible like she hadn't just made my stomach drop through the ground, down the basement. "He.. well I don't know how to put this without sounding rude or disrespectful, but I think what you two have going on there has to stop." the tiny girl now standing next to me said, putting one hand on her hip, popping it out like some cheap manwhore trying to sell herself on the streets.

I raised my eyebrow at the tone her voice had changed to, spinning around to face her, turning my back to Dan who excused himself with an awkward cough and a mumbled "I better get going."

"So Judy" I began, dragging out the 'y' "What exactly makes you think that?" I asked, sounding rather arrogant, something that wasn't all too common for my usually friendly self.

"Well first of all he's a patient, he's your patient and you could get into a whole lot of trouble if anybody was to find out and secondly: what do you see in him? I mean I've been trying to get in your pants for the last two years now - unsuccessfully might I add - and then some guy in girlish jeans and emo scene hair turns up, not to mention that he has a fucking terminal disease, and all of a sudden you turn gay or what?" she all but screamed the last part, hands flying up in fists.

It took a moment until I had processed everything, but boy was I pissed once I realized that she meant every word of what she had just said. How dare she talk like that about Alex? How dare she talk about him like he was some dying animal, like he was something to be disgusted by?

I let out a long breath, telling myself over and over again that I was not going to hit a girl. "Listen here, you little bitch." I growled, watching her eyes narrow "Don't you dare to talk about Alex like that ever again, do you hear me? He might have a terminal disease, but that does not make him by any means a any less of a person than anyone else, okay? If anything it makes you a huge inconsiderate bitch that doesn't deserve a minute of his time, got it? And before you even think about running around and telling everyone that I am in a relationship with one of my patients, know that I don't give a flying fuck because quite frankly it's not illegal nor is he my patient at the moment. And now" I hissed "get your face out of my sight before it makes acquaintance with the door."

She looked up at me in shock for a moment, eyes wide and mouth agape before she turned around and scurried away, leaving me alone for the rest of my shift.

Once my shift was over (and it had gone surprisingly great, meaning there hadn't been any major incidents) I went to the staff room to get changed before I headed for dinner with May. I threw on the black skinny jeans and the red button down shirt I had worn prior, brushing my fingers through my hair in a lame attempt to get them to look somewhat styled. One quick glance at the mirror told me that I looked halfway presentable and that, well that had to be good enough because I couldn't bother to put any effort in my appearance right now.

-

I left the hospice at eight thirty which gave me about twenty minutes if I wanted to make it to the diner on time (not that May did expect me to be on time anyway), but not without hugging Dan and giving Judy a death glare on my way out. I got into my car, quickly buckling my seat belt before starting the engine and pulling out of my parking lot.

Upon seeing me walk in May stood up and came towards me, pulling me into a rather hurtful hug. I chuckled a bit at her eagerness, hugging her back just as tight before I pulled away, skeptically looking her up and down just to nod in approval at her choice of clothes. She was wearing a short red dress that matched my button down shirt perfectly with her normally straight long black hair curled. Her lips, on which she obviously had applied a light brownish looking lipstick, were formed into a bright smile much like mine. All in all I had to say that my sister looked absolutely gorgeous, a thought that I then proceeded to share with her, earning me a light chuckle along with a smack on my arm and a cocky "Don't I always?"

I had to say that I enjoyed having dinner with May quite a lot, she was always bitching about the waiters and their stupid clothes along with their equally stupid hair cuts and faces. My sister had always been quite blunt when it came to other people and what she didn't like about them which was probably one of the main reasons why I liked hanging out with my older sister so much even though it sometimes made me feel like an elderly retired woman meeting up for brunch with her elderly retired best friend to gossip about her neighbor's son's new slutty wife.

"You know, Jack, Mom and Dad have been really worried about you lately." the dark haired woman sitting in front of me said, nervously biting her lip "Mom mentioned that you hadn't contacted neither her nor Dad in a while and she was wondering if you had some sort of issues."

And that, well that one had me feeling a hell of a lot more guilty than I thought "Um yeah.. about that, May.." I began looking after her, slightly fidgeting on my seat while playing with my fingers "Alex moved in with me." I said bluntly, waiting for shit to go down, but instead May squealed like a little girl, something I hadn't heard since Mom and Dad bought her a car three years ago.

"JACK!" she exclaimed "That's amazing! My baby brother is finally happy." Upon looking at me her smile faltered "Wait, you are happy, aren't you?" May asked, concern lacing her voice.

"What? Y-yes." I stuttered "Of course I'm happy, May, it's just.. you know how things with Alex are." I murmured, looking down on my plate, suddenly not feeling hungry anymore.

May sighed, looking at me "Jack, are you sure you can do this? Are you sure you want to do this?"

I was astonished as to how she could even think about me not wanting to do this. "May, you've known me all my life, yeah? And you know how I get when.. when I'm in love. There you have it, I'm in love with Alex Gaskarth and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep him happy as long as possible. I just.. I need you to be okay with this, May, please? I don't care if Mom and Dad don't approve, but you're my sister, May. You're my sister and you need to understand that I am happy, I want you to approve." I pleaded, my hand reaching out over the table to grasp her hand in mine.

She looked at me and smiled, a wide sincere one. "It's okay, Jack. He's good for you, he makes you happy."

-

I came home at around midnight, expecting the house to be dark and Alex to be asleep, but nope my house was fully illuminated and as I stood at the front door I could make out two voices instead of one which meant that Phil still hadn't left and I chuckled, those two were insanely adorable together.

Unlocking the door - and rolling my eyes at Alex's safetycompulsion - I automatically walked in the living room not bothering to take off my shoes but putting my jacket on the kitchen counter. I entered the living room where Phil and Alex were sprawled out on the couch, watching re-runs of Family Guy and talking animatedly about what sounded a lot like cheesecake.

"Alex, I highly doubt that cheesecake from scratch can compare to the majesty of Cheesecake Factory cheesecake." Phil said to which Alex only rolled his eyes going

"Dude! You wouldn't say that if you've ever tried Jack's lime cheesecake from scratch! That shit tastes like- JACK" Alex screeched, jumping off the couch and tackling me in a hug.

I laughed, picking him up as he wrapped his legs around my waist, nuzzling his nose into my neck and pressing light kisses there. I grinned, hugging him tighter to me, bathing in the soothing scent that could only be described as Alex.

Phil cleared his throat, regaining Alex's attention, saying goodbye to the two of us and leaving with the promise of coming back soon and a slightly awkward high five for me what with me still carrying Alex.

"Missed you." the caramel haired boy in my arms murmured, kissing my jaw.

"Missed you, too, babe. Now come on, let's go to bed. I'm spent."

"Bu-hut baby." he whined, starting to suck a hickey into my collarbone, causing my breath to hitch "You've been out all night, can't we cuddle on the couch? I promise I'll carry you to bed if you fall asleep."

And that, well that was something I couldn't and wouldn't deny. I sighed over dramatically, walking towards the couch and playfully throwing him on it. "Scoot over, fatass." I chuckled.

We lay there in comfortable silence, cuddled up next to each other, sharing occasional kisses. And as I lay there with Alex in my arms, I thought about the conversation I had with May earlier tonight, thought about how right it felt to be here with Alex, about how this was all I ever wanted. I decided that it was now or never.

"Alex," I mumbled, hearing him hum in response "Alex, I think I'm in love with you."

I could feel his body tense next to mine, could feel him turn around and face me "Don't say that." he snapped

"Why?" I asked, being confused as to why he was so pissed all of a sudden.

"Because, Jay, don't get me wrong, okay? You'll always have me like no one else does and I'm sorry if this isn't enough for you, Jack, but that's all I can offer you. I would love to promise you a big house with a nice garden and two adopted kids, darling, but we both know that's not possible. We both know that you and me, that we won't be able to have a future together. But just because we aren't able to have that doesn't mean you won't be getting that. You can have all of this with someone else, Jack." Alex said, voice softening towards the end. I could see the years welling up in his beautiful eyes and I instantly pulled him closer to me, stroking his side with my free hand.

"You don't understand Alex, do you?" I said softly, gently nudging his nose with mine "I don't want any of that with somebody who isn't you. I made my decision, the moment I felt your lips against mine for the first time was the moment I knew what I wanted, what I needed. and I knew from the very start what I was getting myself into, but Alex, I didn't care, because if it means that I could wake up to your beautiful face for the next five or so months, I'm willing to take every single fucking risk there is. You mean so much to me and knowing that you won't get to live a long and satisfying life, i-it tears me apart. Every night after you fall asleep I lie awake and wish that fate would've taken me instead of you. That you wouldn't have to suffer, that you didn't need to die. All I want is for you to feel safe and protected, but I can't provide you that Alex and it hurts me so much. I don't care what you think Alex, I'm in love with you and I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Jack" he choked, his eyes pleading "Please don't fall in love with me."

"Why?"

"Because I won't be there to catch you."