Don't Waste Your Time on Me.

Alex

"I am pleased to inform you that you're as healthy as one with your illness can possibly be, Mr. Gaskarth." my doctor told me, smiling widely. "Furthermore we did some bloodwork and it seems like you are the perfect candidate for radiation therapy to try and control the abnormal increase of malignant cells." he told me frowning "I don't really understand why none of your previous doctors thought about that though."

"I- what?" I asked disbelievingly.

It couldn't be, could it? There was a way I could get treatment and - I couldn't fight back the grin - possibly be cured? My chest was about to explode with happiness when the thought about suprising Jack with this amazing fucking miracle crossed my mind, making me smile impossibly wider.

"There is a possibility of keeping me alive more than those few months you originally gave me?"

"Yes yes, Mr. Gaskarth." Dr. Jensen nodded "It'll take some time, of course. Also it will most likely put a strain on your body, but apart from that you should be fine. There are only a few common side effects such as nausea, internal discomfort and some swellings, the really bad things don't happen that often, so there's no need for you to worry."

"That's.. that's incredible, Dr. Jensen." I said, tearing up "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome, son." he told me, sending a bright, warm smile in my direction "Now all we need is your mother signing these papers" the elderly doctor pulled out a folder filled with a stack of papers that were sticking out at the sides, and handed it to me "and then we're all settled. You can bring them in on Friday, is that okay?"

"Yeah.. sure."

-

And that is how I ended up on my mother's front porch on a Thursday afternoon, unsure of what to expect. I thought about how she said all those cruel things to me the last time we spoke, and how we parted on rather unpleasant terms. Would she even hear me out? Or would she close the door in my face? Would she help me out or simply leave me hanging? I pushed those daunting thoughts aside as I proceeded to ring the bell, patiently waiting for her to open the door.

I heard some rustling from inside, heard her walking down the stairs and unlock the door before she opened said door with a friendly smile on her face which faltered the moment she realized who was standing in front of her.

"Alex.." she muttered, eyes narrowing. "What do you want here? I thought we agreed to not speaking to each other ever again."

"Look, mom.." I started, wincing at how her face contorted to one of disgust as I called her that "I know we had some disagreements, and we both said some nasty things we didn't really mean, but I am still your son and you cannot change that, no matter how much you would like to do so."

"Cut to the chase, son. I don't have forever. What do you need?"

"Well, the thing is I went to the doctor's a few days ago, just some general examination and all, and Dr. Jensen told me that there might be a way to prolong my life if not completely cure me." I told her, waiting for a reaction that never came. Her face remained blank.

"And?" she asked.

She was making me insanely uncomfortable, something that had never happened before I came out to my mother and she started blaming me for my father's demise. I wasn't used to her being cold and farouche, it made me feel sick to my stomach.

"And I need you to sign some papers."

Minutes of us just staring at each other passed agonizingly slow, me dreading the obvious answer whereas she seemed to truly consider whether she should helping me. Then she sighed "Alright."

"Alright?" I asked, mouth agape as I let the information sink in, throwing my arms around her neck and hugging her tight. I couldn't believe my luck, couldn't believe that after all the disparities the two of us had had in the past she was still willing to help me.

"Alright." she confirmed, laughing sweetly. I couldn feel my heart swelling at the sound I hadn't heard in a while, and it made me smile a wide, sincere smile "But there's two conditions."

"Everything you want." I all but shrieked, jumping up and down like a child on Christmas morning, planting a sloppy kiss on her cheek.

"One, you will be moving back in with me and two, you stay away from Jack."

-

"Jack?" I called into the seemingly empty house as soon as I closed the front door behind me. "Baby, you home?"

"Bedroom!" he shouted, and I couldn't help but smile at the sound of his voice, although my smile faltered soon at the thought of what I was about to do next.

I climbed up the stairs, walking down the hall that led to our bedroom, opening the door with shaky hands. Inside, I was greeted with an overly adorable looking Jack lying in bed in only his pajama bottoms, reading a book.

He looked up at me upon hearing me enter, a giant smile spreading across his face the moment his eyes met mine "Hey, baby!" he said.

"Hey, love." I greeted, walking up to where he was sprawled out, leaning down to connect our lips in a soft kiss.

"You look gorgeous," he told me, laughing softly when he saw the blush that crept onto my cheeks "how did your appointment go?"

"Uh.. about that" I stammered "I might have been somewhere else?" I more questioned than stated.

The dark-haired male sat up in bed, eyeing me suspiciously before blurting "Are you cheating on me?" and I swear to god, wouldn't it have been for the absolute absurdness of the situation we were in, I would have laughed at him. But seeing as I somehow was about to break up with him, it didn't really seem that fitting to make him even more suspicious by mocking him.

"I'm not. I swear I'm not." I reassured him, smiling a little at how adorable his confused little face made him look.

"Then uh.. explain?"

"It- it's kinda hard." I said, sitting down next to him, intertwining our fingers "The appointment was on Monday." I told him, watching him grow even more confused.

"I don't understand?"

"Well, listen. Dr. Jensen told me that there's a possibility of curing me, but before you get all happy and giddy and lovey on me, listen." I stressed once I felt Jack jumping slightly "They need my mom's consent for the radiation therapy because I'm not eighteen yet."

"And your mom won't give you that, will she?" he interrupted, looking genuinely pissed.

"No, that's not it. In fact, I just came back from talking to her and she agreed.." I trailed, not knowing how to phrase my next words. I didn't want to break up with Jack, I wanted to be with him.. but I also wanted to get better, wanted to be carefree again.

I took a deep breath before closing my eyes and continuing "She said that she would sign the papers under two conditions. One, I move back in with her and-"

"And two, you break up with me." Jack finished my sentence, voice as well as face void of any form of emotion.

"Yeah.." I whispered, feeling my heart shatter. He didn't even look at me, he didn't say anything, didn't move. I didn't know what to do or say to make things easier on the older male. For the first time in the six months I had been with Jack, I felt helpless. I felt helpless and alone and lost.

"How long do we have?" he asked.

"I'm leaving tomorrow."

"I don't want us to fall apart."he told me, closing his eyes and taking a deep, shaky breath "I know this is hard and there's a lot happening at the moment, but that's no reason for giving up on us, Alex." he told me, making me feel even guiltier than I already did.

"I'm not giving up on anything, Jack!" I exclaimed, rubbing my temple in frustration. "I simply told you that I am going to move back in with my mother because I need this god forsaken treatment and I'm not eighteen yet which means I need a guardian's consent which, unfortunately, in this case, is my mother. And this is the one condition I had to agree to in order for all of this to work, okay?"

"So what?" he asked "If you're not giving up on me, what are you doing then? Look at me and tell me you are not in the middle of breaking up with me, Alexander." he demanded, although he already knew I couldn't.

We both lapsed into a seemingly unbreakable silence, waiting for the other one to break the unbearable tension.

After what seemed like an eternity Jack mustered up the courage to say something, not that I expected him to throw glitter around the room and leap with happiness at the thought of losing me or you know, come up with a solution, but his next words weren't what I wanted to hear either "Alex, you can't do that. You can't just leave me like that."

"Jack, baby. Please try to understand that I need to. I don't have another choice." I tried to make him comprehend, tried to show him how much I needed his support, his backing on this. But then he went to say the words I've been dreading to hear since the very first day. The words that would cut both me and him deeper than he seemed to realize.

"But I lo-"

"Don't say that, Jack. You don't know what you're talking about." I cut him off, shaking my head in disapproval, getting angry myself "Loving someone with your heart and loving someone with your mind are two very different kinds of love. You might think you love me, but you don't. And you'll realize that soon, I promise."

"Stop it, Alex. Fucking stop saying that, okay?" the boy in front of me snapped, and I could see how the emotions in his deep brown eyes changed from calm and loving to something darker, something that was hard to distinguish. I managed to catch a glimpse of anger, one of confusion and the most prominent one, pain. "I lay my fucking heart open to you, I gave you a fucking part of myself, gave you every single fucking thing I had to offer. And all you have been doing recently is carving my heart out with all you might. It's crippling, okay? It's fucking excruciating because I have given you my all and you don't want it which is fine, but instead of just saying that you don't love me, you choose to throw it right back in my face over and over again. You make it seem like I'm too dumb to know what I feel and that, Alex, that shit is fucking tearing me apart."

Jack got up from where we were sitting on the bed, and before I could stop him he had already left the room, slamming the door behind him to keep me from following after the hurt boy. Not that it did though because as soon as I heard the bathroom door being slammed as well, I got up and headed to where the elder had fled in his rage.

As predicted, I found Jack sitting on the bathroom floor right in front of the tub. His knees were safely tucked under his chin while his arms protectively wound around his shins. Everything about his position screamed "don't touch me", but I didn't care. I sat down next to him, frowning when he instantly shuffled away from me. I leaned against the bath tub, playing with my fingers as I waited for him to look at me and when he eventually did, I noticed his eyes being shiny, partly glazed over with unshed tears while his cheeks were stained with those that had already spilled, and it broke my heart. I wanted nothing more than to just hold him. To hold him and tell him that I would never leave him, that the treatment didn't matter as much as he did, that I would do anything to keep him from crying. But I couldn't. And perhaps it was selfish, maybe even the most selfish thing I had done my entire life, but I was nowhere near ready to decline the only opportunity that would prolong my life. Even if that meant leaving Jack and moving back in with my mother.

"You know what sucks?" the raven-haired boy asked, bottom lip trembling "Knowing that I did the best I could, and it still wasn't good enough." he choked, trying his best to keep his composure as the tears streamed down his cheeks incessantly.

It hurt seeing him so broken. Looking up at me with the pitiful face of a kicked puppy, destroying me inwardly. None of this was his fault. Jack shouldn't be the one crying, no. It was my selfish behavior that had the only person I ever felt connected with breaking down in front of me. "Look Jay," I began, pulling him into a hug before soothingly rubbing his back "you're more than enough for me, I swear. It's not you, it's me. I need to give this a try even if it means that I have to move back in with Mom, please just try to understand. You will get over me eventually."

"No, I won't." my boyfriend whispered, furiously wiping at his already sore eyes "There is not one person in this world that I want more than I want you, Alex. I need you to feel complete. You can't just leave me like this, baby. Please, don't." he begged, falling back into my chest as sobs started shaking his tiny frame.

"I'm sorry, Jack. I really am." I said, forcing back the tears that were now starting to well up in the corners of my own eyes "You are the most important person in my life, I swear to god. But I need to give this a try, I need to. This could be my cure, Jack. This radiation could keep me alive, it could keep me breathing." I tried to reason, letting the tears fall at the thought of leaving Jack behind "I don't want to die, baby." I whimpered "I don't want to leave you forever."

And that's when the roles seemed to reverse because all of a sudden Jack was the one holding me and trying to soothe me. Suddenly it were Jack's hands rubbing my back and Jack's lips kissing my temple, holding me close.

"You'll be turning eighteen soon," he murmured, his beautiful doe eyes boring into mine as the one hand that wasn't rubbing my back came up to wipe away the tears "can we be together again then?"

I shook my head yes, wrapping my arms around his waist and pulling him into me. I took a deep breath as to inhale his scent, not wanting to ever forget how amazing he smelled. "I will come back to you, there's no way in hell we won't be together in the end. I promise."

I felt Jack pulling out of my embrace, and before I could register what he was doing he had already scooped me up his arms, walking towards our shared bedroom.

"Jack, what are you doing, baby?" I whispered, looking up at him with curious eyes as my feet made contact with the floor. We were standing in the middle of the room, facing each other, a small smile played on his lips.

"All we have is this night, isn't it?" he asked, staring out the window where rain and lightning as well as thunder were playing their parts in what seemed to be a heavy thunderstorm. "I want this night to be perfect, Alex."

"Jack.." I wanted to protest. Wanted to tell him that every night with him was perfect. I wanted to let him know that this wasn't our last night together, that we would find our way back to each other again sooner than he realized. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that I wanted to remember this night as a good one, not as the night in which both our hearts broke. "What do you have in mind?"

"I want to slow dance with you in the dark of our bedroom as the rain pelts down against the windowpane, and lightning illuminates the room. I want to feel your hands tightly wrapped around my neck while mine rest on your hips, pulling you close every now and again. I want to have your chest pressed up against mine, I want to feel how the beat of your heart against mine. I want to find out if it races the way mine does whenever you so much as touch me. I want to gently sway from side to side with you, no talking. Just you and me and the silence around us, dancing to the beat of our hearts. I want to take in every inch that makes you who you are. I want to enjoy one last perfect moment with you before you leave me for good. I crave to feel that you need me as much as I need you. I crave you, Alex. I crave to hear the sound of your voice when you wake up next to me in the morning. I crave to feel your lips on mine out of the blue. I crave feeling your body warm against mine when you fall asleep next to me. I crave how you curl up against me, legs a tangled mess, your arms holding me tight against you as your slow and steady breathing lulls me to sleep. I crave the feeling of belonging somewhere, and I know I've never belonged anywhere more than I belong to you." he told me before pressing our lips together in a slow sweet kiss.

I smiled into it, being the first to pull away after what felt like an eternity. I bit my lip to stop the grin from spreading across my face as I looked down to hide the blush tinting my cheeks. "You're perfect." I told him, pressing a chaste kiss to his clothed chest.

"You're everything to me."