Don't Waste Your Time on Me.

Alex

I woke up a few hours later from a rather restless sleep, noticing that the blinds were closed and a tray with food had been placed next to my bed. I smiled slightly at how cute my mother could be before I realized that I wasn't at home and that my mother wasn't the one to place the tray with food next to my bed. I looked around, taking in every little detail of the room I was in. It was a nice room, equipped with a television and all. The walls painted in a light blue with courtains of the same color gracing the big window that presented a nice view over the park next to the hospice. Hospice. I couldn't help but grimace as the thought of the horrible institution I was in crossed my mind. I've been there for a few hours and already despised it. I wanted nothing more than to go back home and curl up in my own bed, not thinking about the terrible disease that seek my life. I groaned and rolled over, extremely sick of having these upsetting thoughts. I tried to focus on something else instead, but there was nothing that caught my eye, so I settled for staring at the wall.

A bare five minutes of senseless staring at the wall later, I heard some soft tunes from the end of the corridor. I listened closer, making out the direction from where the guitar playing came from before scooting out of bed and exiting my room. I walked down the corridor, the sound of the guitar getting louder and more distinguishable. Once I recognized the song, I couldn't help but smile softly. I've always had a soft spot for New Found Glory's Summer Fling Don't Mean A Thing and shit, whoever was currently playing that song was more than fucking talented.

As soon as I reached the end of the corridor the tunes slowly faded out. I turned around the corner nevertheless only to be met by none other than the guy who introduced himself as Jack earlier, surrounded by a small group of beaming children. I frooze on the spot due to being taken by surprise, but caught myself fairly quick. That Jack guy had his eyes closed, a small smile playing across his lips - he looked content and happy which I found to be quite cute. After a few seconds he started strumming another song I loved: Ron Pope's Reason To Hope. He hummed to himself, still not noticing my presence, but neither did the kids until I started singing once Jack got to the chorus.

"When all the things I need feel just like a dream and every breath I breathe is so hard." he opened his eyes, looking up to me and giving me a smile before closing his eyes again, fingers not missing a single note.

"Well, I just want a reason to hope, a reason to know that I should still be here. Maybe just a glimpse of the light, a patch of blue sky, something to believe in. I just want a reason to hope, a reason to hope. A reason that I should not let go."

When the song came to an end, Jack spoke up "Oh hey, you're awake." he smiled warmly "I'm Jack, your carer."

"Alex." I introduced myself "I just.. er.. well, I wanted to say sorry for earlier, y'know. I didn't mean to rape your chest and stuff, you could've just pushed me off." I rambled, shyly scratching my neck, palms sweating. I was still kind of embarrassed from earlier's events, but could you blame me? I basically cried my heart out in the arms of a complete stranger who held me without saying anything like it was the most natural thing in the world. I liked it, to be honest, it was the much needed comfort I've been lacking the past weeks and yes, it felt good to just be held in times of sadness, but I was still embarrassed that this dude had witnessed one of my weakest moments.

"It's okay, it's part of my job." he grinned, continuing "You have an awesome voice, by the way. Care to sing a few songs for the kids before dinner?"

"Sure." I smiled widely and for the first time that day it felt as if spending a few days at the hospice wouldn't be that awful.

We played a few songs together and by we I mean Jack while I was singing my heart out and it felt great, to be honest. I hadn't been able to let lose in a long time and it felt fucking awesome. The whole time we were playing the grin spread across my lips never left my face and saying that I enjoyed myself would be quite an understatement. By the time everybody finished eating dinner I hurried back to my room, not really wanting to talk to anybody. I sat down on my bed and plugged my headphones in, closing my eyes and allowing myself to be carried away by the soft tunes of Blink 182's I Miss You. I didn't notice the door opening and someone walking in until I felt a weight on my mattress. I slowly opened my eyes, taking out the earbuds and waiting for Jack to say something.

"What were you listening to?" he asked.

"Blink 182." I replied, smiling.

"DUDE, they're like the coolest band ever!" he exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air and shooting me an excited look.

I chuckled, looking at the dark-haired man in front of me and waiting for him to continue which he did "Why are you in here?" he asked, tone considerably more serious now.

"Leukemia." I answered, not even flinching like I once used to.

"Oh. I'm sorry." was all he said.

"It's okay, I guess. Can we just not talk about it? I'm tired and I just want to sleep." With that he stood up and headed towards the door, only to turn around, saying "You really do have a great voice, Alex. Good night."

I smiled softly "Thank you. Good night, Jack." and with that he left the room, leaving me to myself. I didn't have any trouble with falling asleep whatsoever, but I woke up from a nightmare with a loud yelp.

Jack walked in, looking exhausted. He sat down on my bed before asking "What is it that's troubling you, Alex?"

"The better question would be: what is not troubling me?" I said exasperated, making Jack immediately frown.

"You shouldn't be afraid of anything." he stated, eyes borring themselves into mine "There's no need to fear death, Alex. I don't say that you should just wait for it and welcome it with arms wide open, not at all, but what I am trying to say is that dying is inevitable and as much as I hate to admit it, we can't change a single thing about that. So why not accept it? I know that it sounds so non-understanding coming out of my mouth because I'm not in the situation you are in, but wouldn't it be easier for you to just accept defeat instead of fighting it over and over again?" Jack asked me, curiousity clearly distinguishable in his dark brown orbs.

"I dont think that you understand what's going on in my head. I'm gonna die, Jack. I'm gonna die and there's nothing I can do to change that. I'm seventeen years old and I'm doomed to die." I whispered, not trusting my voice. "You don't understand what it feels like to know that you'll never be able to find the love of your life and live happily ever after. Hell, I'm probably gonna die a virgin!" I exclaimed, throwing my arms in the air. "It's just not fair, y'know? Because all those kids have something to look forward to, they have a future and I don't think they know how precious that is. I would do anything to get the chances they do, but I won't and that's not a nice thought to live with. I feel left alone, like everybody has someone to rely on and I don't. Before the kids at my school knew about my leukemia they would always be nice and caring towards me, making time for me and wanting to be around me, but that changed as soon as they found out that I have an incurable illness they left. They all left me, Jack and I swear to god it's not a nice feeling to be left alone by everybody when you're in need of some comfort. And what's even worse is that I thought they cared, I thought I meant something to them but I didn't. And I'm never going to mean anything to anyone because I won't be there, I won't be around to feel loved and wanted. I'm never gonna be able to see my grandchildren play in my front garden." by now I was clearly shaking, silent tears streaming down my cheeks but neither Jack nor I did bother to wipe them away. I just let them fall, feeling Jack's arms slowly pulling me towards him in a comforting hug.

"I'm here," he said gently, wiping away the tears that stained my cheek and squeezing me lightly "I'm here and I care, okay?"

"Thank you, Jack." I whispered before pressing a kiss to his chest.