Maybe It's Better That We Break

I never knew perfection 'til
I heard you speak, and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?

"I'm so in love with you, Alex." Jennifer whispered against my lips. I grinned and pulled her closer against me, our warm bodies curling against each other under the many blankets covering our bed.

"Just as I am so in love with you." I whispered back, my brown eyes gazing into her icy blues. The blonde laying beside me was beyond gorgeous and I got to call her mine. She was mine, forever.

I groaned as my eyes peeled open, my mind refusing to start up and get ready for the day ahead. Today was just like any other day, or so I thought, while in reality this was going to be the day that changed my life forever.

Turning my head to the left, I found the spot that was normally occupied by my fiancee to be empty which made me frown. She never awoke before I did. I sat up on our large bed and gazed across the room. The bathroom door was wide open and I could hear her singing softly from within. That meant one thing, she was doing her hair. She could never do this task silently.

I grinned and stood up, my bare feet silent as I walked across the soft carpet towards the bathroom. My dogs Baz and Peyton lifted their heads as I passed by their beds but they made no move to greet me, it was too early for that.

"Good morning, beautiful." I greeted Jennifer as I entered the luxurious bathroom that she insisted having when we made plans to have this house built a year ago. We'd only occupied the place for three months. It's been perfect every second of the way. Our wedding was just 5 short and quick months away. Soon I will finally be able to call her Jennifer Gaskarth, my wife.

"Morning." She greeted, halting in her singing as she put her curling iron down, her long blonde hair falling across her back. As I stood a few feet behind her I took the time to take in her wardrobe. She was dressed in a tight grey pencil skirt, a black silk sleeveless shirt and had black pumps on her feet.

"Do you have to go into work?" I questioned, frowning.

"Yeah, unfortunately. I know I never work on Tuesday's but Irene is in today and she's going crazy. You know how things get before a big show." She said as she reached for her mascara. That was one thing I adored about my fiancee, it wasn't, nor had it ever been, about how much makeup she wore. I've known her since we were 14 years old and the only times I've ever seen her wear more than mascara was when we went to a club, and even then she just wore a little eyeliner and lipstick. She was simple, and yet she was the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on.

"Oh... right. The show's on Thursday, right?" Jennifer was a fashion designer. Irene was her boss and fellow designer. The two had a clothing line out and were constantly organizing fashion shows for their new collections.

"Yeah. You promised you'd be there." She spoke, turning around to pout at me. I laughed and walked over to her, wrapping my arms around her thin waist.

"You know I wouldn't miss it. I never have." I told her making her smile and nod.

"I hopefully won't be gone long. I have my work finished, I just have to do one more model fitting and do designs for hair and makeup. Irene still has three looks to finish before she can do hair and makeup so I may be doing that for her. I'll call you if I won't be back for dinner." She informed me.

"Have a good day. Don't work too hard." I told her before pressing my lips against hers in a firm kiss. "I love you."

"As I love you." She gave me a quick peck on the lips before stepping out of my arms. "Now take a shower, you smell." She said as she walked out of the room, giggling.

"Bye!" I called after her. She called a goodbye and seconds later I heard the front door shut. I sighed and slipped out of my pajama bottoms and tee shirt before getting into the shower. After I was clean and dressed, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Tuesday's were always Jen and I's movie day, since she didn't work. We always caught up on movies from on demand that we hadn't seen yet. Since I couldn't watch one without her, I decided to go see my best friend Jack and his new wife Alicia.

The couple had gotten married three weeks ago and had only returned from their honey moon two days previously. I'd only seen them once for like two hours when we met up for dinner the night they returned. Hopefully married life was still treating them well.

"Hey, fuck face!" Jack screamed as soon as I entered his large home.

"You are so mature, Jack. I understand why Alicia loves you so much." I told him, rolling my eyes as I sat down beside him on the couch. "Where is she anyway? Did she leave you already?"

"Ha ha, you are so funny, Asskarth. No, she went out with your fiancee." I frowned at my best friends words.

"Jen had to go into work today, she has a show on Thursday." I informed him making him shrug.

"Just telling you what Alicia told me." He responded, looking confused. I sighed and pulled out my phone, opening a new text message.

To: Jen
Sent: 11:56a.m. 3/4/14

Hey, babe. Jack said you went out with Alicia. I thought you had to work?

I don't want to be some nosy fiance but it was just really confusing. Why would she lie about having to go into work? If she wanted to go out with Alicia she could have simply told me that. It's not like I was controlling and didn't allow her to go out with her friends.

"Hey, Jack... am I controlling? Do you think?" I asked my best friend who looked over at me as if I had grown a second head before shaking his own head.

"Bro, you are the farthest thing from controlling. Jen does whatever she wants. Why do you ask?" I explained to him my theory on why she lied to me. "Maybe they have something secret to talk about. Chicks are mysterious. I don't know, man." I just sighed before I got a text from Jennifer.

From: Jen
Received: 12:01p.m. 3/4/14

I'll explain later. Be home around 2. We'll talk then.

"Okay.. I am really getting worried." I said, looking down at my screen, a frown creasing between my bushy eyebrows.

"Why?" I read Jack the text message. "Alex, don't start freaking out. It could mean anything. It doesn't have to be serious." He warned me. I sighed and nodded. We then spent the next hour and a half watching Jack's favorite movie, Home Alone, before I decided that it was time for me to head home so I was there when Jen got back.

"I'll call you later." I told him as I stood up.

"Yeah, have fun." I rolled my eyes at his words and walked out of his house. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous on the short drive home. Things just were not adding up. Why would Jen lie to me and then say that we were going to talk? Talk about what? Was something wrong? Had I done something?

When I pulled up to our house I found that her car was already parked in its spot in the driveway as I parked beside it. Entering the house, I heard complete silence. It seemed to press down on me.

"Jen?" I called out, my voice echoing through the large house.

"In the back." I heard her soft voice call from the backyard. I frowned and went down the hall to the back door. I slid it open and looked into our gorgeous back yard. With my job of being in a successful band and hers as a very successful fashion designer, we were able to afford a very luxurious home complete with a hot tub and pool that had a waterfall. Yeah, we were living alright.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked her when I spotted her sitting on the bench in the garden in the center of the yard. She had her arms wrapped around herself as she had no jacket on and it was March, meaning it was quite cold out here. "Come inside, babe." I instructed her but she shook her head.

"We need to talk, Alex." She didn't look at me, she kept her eyes trained on the small pond beside her, watching the water ripple across the top.

"Okay, what about?" I asked as I walked across the lawn, taking a seat beside her. I slid out of my hoodie and slid it across her shoulders. She huddled into the warmth, gripping the hoodie closer to her. She still didn't look at me.

"I can't do this anymore, Lex." She whispered, her blue eyes filling with tears. I frowned and shook my head.

"Do what, sweetheart?" I questioned softly, kind of afraid of the answer I was about to get in return. Something just felt so off. What was going on?

"Live here, live like this." Her voice was so soft as she finally looked up at me. Her eyes were red, hinting that she had been crying for awhile.

"What do you mean?" I whispered back, staring into her eyes. "Live like what?"

"With you." She shook her head as more tears rushed down her cheeks.

"What..? Why? What have I done?" I questioned. I felt like my entire world was collapsing on itself. If I lost Jen then there was no reason for anything. Jennifer was the love of my life. I'd been with her my entire adult life so far. I didn't know any other way to live. We had achieved our dreams with the other beside us the entire time. How on earth would I be able to go on from here if she wasn't with me? I didn't know any other way.

"You haven't done anything, Alex. I love you, I love you so much but this... us... we aren't working anymore." She explained. "We are just two different people, Alex. I just feel so... trapped. I don't know what to do anymore. I didn't want to do this... but Alicia convinced me that maybe it's what's best. I need to... find myself before I can think of tying myself to anyone. I'm not sure that this is the life that I want anymore."

"Tie yourself to someone? Jen, we've been together since we were 18 years old. We live together, we have for 7 years. I think it's kind of late to be scared of tying yourself down to someone." I reasoned but she simply shook her head.

"I just can't do it anymore, Alex. My bags are packed, I'm going to go stay with my dad for awhile. I think it's what's best." She then stood up and took my hoodie off of her shoulder, putting it on the seat she just evacuated. "I love you, Lex." She then leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss to my lips. She then slid the diamond ring I had given her almost a year previously from her finger. "Good bye." She handed me the ring before turning and running into the house.

"Jen!" I screamed, jumping up and running after her. I rushed after her across the entire house, out to the front driveway. "Please, do not do this! Don't leave me! I need you!" I screamed, my brown eyes welling up with tears that quickly fell down my stubble covered cheeks.

"It's better off this way, Alex." She told me as she got into her car. I ran to the driver's side window and pounded on the window, not caring that the neighbors were getting a free show. All that mattered right now as not losing the love of my life.

"Don't do this, Jen. We'll work through this, I promise." She just shook her head and started up the car. She gave me one last sad look before putting the car in reverse and backing out of the driveway. "Jen!" I screamed, chasing after her car as she drove off. She sped up as I ran after her, making me finally fall too far behind and lose her from site.

I fell to my knees right there in the middle of the street, my face in my hands and sobbed. I sobbed and cried for losing the love of my life, my heart, my other half. I was lost and didn't know what to do.

___

It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break…

___

As the next few days, I tried to reason with the reason's Jennifer left. Nothing of what she said made any sort of sense though. Things had been perfect, why were things suddenly not working? We had been fine hours previously. Something just wasn't right.

"Alex, you need to stop doing this." My best friend Rian scolded me as he walked into my bedroom. I had been confined to this room since I finally stumbled back to my house after one of the neighbors helped me out of the street about ten minutes after Jen drove off. I hadn't eaten in almost four days or even showered for that matter. The only thing I had done was dial Jen's number constantly and send her numerous texts, hoping that she had come to her senses. Everything went unanswered.

"I have nothing else to do, Rian." I mumbled, turning over to bury my face in the pillow that smelled so sweetly of her perfume and shampoo. God... I missed holding her in my arms. I would give anything to just see her smiling face again.

"I know it makes no sense for Jen to have left but you need to get over it. She obviously had her reasons for it and she needed to do it. It's only been four days, she may still come back." He reasoned, sitting beside me on the bed.

"Rian, I spent seven years of my life with that woman and now she's suddenly gone. I just... I don't know what to do. I feel so... lost.." I whispered, feeling the tears fall down hot and quick down my cheeks. Rian sighed and laid down, pulling me into his arms and letting me sob into his chest.

He knew that I was one of the most in control people ever so for me to be acting like this, it must have been really bad and there was nothing to do but let me cry about it. That was the only thing I really knew how to do...

___

A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You’re scared and that you think that I’m insane

The city look so nice from here
Pity I can’t see it clearly
While you’re standing there, it disappears
It disappears

It’s not right, not OK
Say the word it should say

___

The next few weeks were miserable but slowly I came back to myself, almost. I showered and was eating again. I was getting out of the house, hanging out with the guys again. I also wasn't bursting into tears at every free second.

Though I did buy a small apartment downtown simply because living in the large house that was designed by Jennifer got to be too much. I still owned the house, I would never sell it in hopes that maybe one day she would return to me, though I knew the chances were slim.

Alicia had come over about a week after Jen left and got the rest of her belongings, telling me that Jen was doing really good, that she was happy.

I read online that Jen and Irene's new collection was a big hit and that they were even opening a shop up in London, set to be open next spring. I also read about how her fans were saying how she looked extremely happy with things right now. I had to agree, that in all of the pictures of her I had seen recently, from shows and press, she did seem happy. That was good and it helped me cope with it a little better.

The only thing in life I ever wanted, ever since I met Jen when we were 14, was for her to be happy. I just had to come to terms that it seemed that obviously wasn't with me. My new philosophy was 'Don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened.' It was working for me, for the moment at least.

I still found myself lost, and spent my nights laying awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about her. I didn't sleep half as much as I once did but the short amount of time I did fall asleep, my dreams were always rippled with her, which just made it that much harder to want to sleep.

I wanted to be okay, I tried to be... but I just wasn't.

___

Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break

Saw you sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s all right
Life these days is getting rough
They’ve knocked you down and beat you up
But it’s just a roller coaster anyway, yeah

___

When the day of what would have been our wedding day arrived, I found myself waking up from a short slumber, oddly enough dream free, feeling positive about what today was going to bring.

I decided that since it was a nice warm August day, I would take a walk. I found myself at the banquet hall we had arranged for the wedding to be at. I walked inside, finding the place empty except for a few spare chairs and tables pushed up against the wall. As I stared around the bare room, I imagined what it should look like on this day. It should have been covered in purple, Jen's color of choice. The tables should be topped with the purple orchid center pieces she had designed.

As I stood in the center of the would-be dance floor, I closed my eyes and saw images of Jen in a beautiful white dress, me in a black tux, smiling at each other as we shared our first dance as a married couple. The images brought me to tears as I fell to my knees, my face in my hands.

"Alex?" I heard a soft voice from in front of me. I snapped my tear covered face up. Standing before me was the person I hadn't seen or spoken to for five months.

"Jen..." I whispered. I frowned as I took her in. She was stick thin, she had always been skinny but her bones seemed to be protruding. She looked unhealthy thin and her long blonde hair hung thin and dull around her shoulders. Her eyes seemed sunken and her smile seemed forced. She looked nothing like what I had been seeing online.

"I see you remembered what today would have been." She mumbled, taking a few steps around the room, staring up at the plain white walls.

"What are you doing here?" I mumbled, not moving from my knees on the floor as I watched her walk.

"The same thing you are... thinking about what could have been." She turned and gave me a soft smile.

"Are you sick, Jen? You look.... ill." I didn't know how else to phrase that without being rude. She looked awful though. But at the same time I thought she looked beautiful. I wanted to just scoop her up in my arms and never let her go. My legs refused to get me up though, I was rooted to the ground.

"I'm fine.." She answered softly. "Good bye, Alex." And just like that, she turned and whisked out of the room, disappearing from me once again.

____


It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?

____

FASHION DESIGNER FOUND DEAD
Well known fashion designer Jennifer Ellide was found dead in her downtown Baltimore apartment this morning at 8:34am by her room mate and fellow designer Irene Smith. Rumors had been circulating that Jennifer had fallen ill when she stopped attending fashion shows and press conferences. The few times she was seen she seemed to be thin and ill. Police have reported that Ms Ellide died most likely of malnutrition. The 27 year old had recently separated from her long time boyfriend and fiance, singer Alex Gaskarth of the band All Time Low. "When her and Alex split up, she fell into a very bad place. She put on this face smile for everyone but the few of us close to her saw that she needed Alex but she had too much pride to return to him." An insider reports when asked about the situation. In the end, it seems Jennifer just may have died of a broken heart.

I stared down at my computer screen, unable to believe what I was reading. The article included a picture of Jen from the last fashion show she had appeared at, as well as a picture of her and I together at a charity event I had attended with her. This was one of the last things we had done together before she left me.

I couldn't believe this. I didn't want to believe this. Though I knew it was true. I had gotten many calls confirming it. Irene had actually called me first when she walked into Jen's bedroom that morning and found her cold and lifeless. It seemed that Jen died in her sleep.

Irene blamed herself, stating that she should have noticed that she hadn't been eating. Alicia blamed herself because she had encouraged Jennifer to take a break from me. I blamed myself because she died because I didn't try hard enough. All I had to do was find a way to get her back and she would still be here today..

__


I’m not fine, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?


___

Years later, when I look back on everything that happened with Jennifer and I, I can look back on it without hating myself. Sure, I still regret not trying hard enough but the Jennifer I knew would not want me moping about, mourning the loss of someone who wasn't going to return, no matter how many tears were shed.

Every single day I visit her grave, placing a single purple orchid on top. I sit and I talk to her for awhile, as well. I tell her everything that is going on. When the guys and I go on tour, I write a letter everyday to her and then when I return home, I tie them all to a stem of an orchid and place them on her grave.

Jennifer may not be with me any longer, but that doesn't mean she was truly gone.

Forever Jen will live in my heart.

I wasn't okay... but I was getting there..


I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break, baby