Unprecedented

I have actually reflected deeply this past break, thus the late update. I have considered every option, every angle, and every situation that may occur. I may not properly explain all my thoughts and decisions, but they have now "materialized" clearly in my mind. I may not exactly. accurately put them into words, but they're there. I just can't find the right words to express how I feel. I don't know how to turn these thoughts in my mind into something somewhat concrete. I have yet to find the missing link between the intangible and intangible.

Well, I am veering off the topic. Anyways, these thoughts have taken a toll on me. I'll try to spit out the basics and the simple things without thoroughly distorting the complete, true picture.

So, here goes nothing.

I've analyzed the way how M reacts to my actions. I think he's annoyed by me, and at the least, indifferent. Basically, he just doesn't care. Wait. That's wrong. He cares. He cares about people, that's why I liked him in the first place. He's just too nice, so people assume wrongly. I promised to not fall for these stupid little things, to not fall for the things I also do. But no. No. I'm just dumb and careless and desperate. Okay. Getting a little off track here. Going back.

I tried to look at it in the long run, and I realized I'd rather have him as a friend, and that if I'd really work hard for a relationship between us to work, it would be all platonic. Close, but platonic all throughout. He'd be a nice friend to have. I mean, he'd talk to you if you have issues and problems, he's really understanding, he gives great advice, he's fun and he always tries to lighten up the mood. Whether he knew it or not, he actually stopped me from cutting a couple of times already. Maybe now he doesn't want to talk to me because I'm of the opposite sex and he's conservative. I hope he's just worried about how people would think. I hope it's not because of something serious or longstanding.

To have him as a friend would be such an up in this life full of downs. He can make you live if you're dead, he can make you stop from doing the harmful things. I guess na what I assumed about myself was wrong. Subconsciously, maybe I was thinking that I needed a significant other to survive this part of my life, that I cannot continue on without having a boyfriend or that kind of thing. I loved the security and company it brought, but I have realized that though these may well be true, this kind of relationship is not what I exactly need. Close, but not quite. I don't know if I'm making any sense here, but I really am trying my best.

Okay.

Maybe I was looking for boyfriend material in you, M. Maybe I was hoping for you to be the one. As much as I'd like it to work, damn it I'm the only one making the effort here. This is a mostly one-sided relationship.

Breathe.

Maybe what I'm saying is that I hope we'd still be friends forever. Or that we'd remain friends even after I don't make an effort of talking to you. Let's take it one step at a time. I hope we'd still be friends tomorrow; next week, when maybe we won't be seatmates anymore; next month, when prom's gonna happen and you won't talk to me because they'd think you're a lousy man when really, you are very decent; on March, when the lull weeks roll in and we'd be seeing less of each other; during graduation, when you'd be awkward and not hug me because maybe you hate me, though I hope that isn't the case; after graduation, when we would've already said our final goodbyes and we'd be off our separate ways because you said you'd study at MSU; after that, when maybe we'd have work na and we'd be more mature. I sincerely hope to still be your friend until we grow old and die, because life's just so much better with you around. You make life more beautiful to my eyes. Please.

There are just some things that you can say to a guy that you would never, ever say to a girl. I want you to be the person I can share my stories and lousy jokes with, those hidden tales and bottled-up emotions that I try to tell with a light note when actually, they're my deep, dark secrets and I've never opened up to a person like that. I know now that you only probably think of me as an acquaintance, not a true friend. So maybe you aren't that person for me. But I'm really hoping you'd be that. For me. I thought we'd been through enough and I'd shared enough of my life with you. So can you just fulfill this madwoman's dying wish?

I tried not talking to you, you know. Like, I did not initiate any conversation that day, because I know that everything's always coming from my side. So what happened? Well, you never did once talk to me, and I could sense you were more comfortable with that. Come to think of it, you never did share any personal information with me willingly, or as a random conversation-opener. Was I wrong to trust you? Can't you be my friend, M?

I have calculated and assumed and the result is in: the best situation would be for us to be friends and to stay acquainted over the years; I'm sorry, but life would go downhill fast without your smart comebacks and realistic suggestions.