Two Hundred and Thirty

In retrospect, I was acting like a child. But I don’t know what came over me, I had the pestering need to let her know I was there, even though she had seen me. I launched into panic mood as this guy reached out and grabbed her hand. She’d acknowledged me with a smile but that wasn’t enough. I didn’t want her to forget I was there.

Without a second thought, I toyed around with my salad until I snatched a diced carrot from the huddle and squeezed it in my palm. My mother and father were too busy disguising the memories of their vacation last summer and I’m pretty sure Shane was eyeing up a girl behind me, so they wouldn’t see what I was about to do.

I rested my chin on my other hand, quickly glancing over at her one more time before flicking the carrot lightly into the air. My lips were pushed together so tight that I thought I might give myself a headache as I tried to become engrossed in the conversation again. I could feel her eyes burning into my cheek. It was a hit.

Keeping my head in the same position, I looked at her through the corner of my eye. Her jaw was clenched and she looked like she could have stormed right over here and throttled me. Good.

Making such impulsive and reckless decisions out of sheer panic was my forte. I was adamant that I did it because Rae was, in my eyes far too good for this guy, to the point where I either went over there and explained this to the pair of them or launched vegetables across the room at her.

Initially, my intentions were to merely sleep with her and let her see herself out the door the next morning. But circumstance lead things to change… she was intriguing and smart. And the fact that she didn’t want me like everyone else did made my head spin with excitement. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted anything from her anymore… I just had this overwhelming feeling of admiration that made me want to throw her up onto a pedestal and encase her in glass so everyone could admire her too but nobody could harm her.

My mind threw around whether it would have been acceptable or not to pull this guy to one side and ask him every question under the sun. I had a hint at what it would feel like to be a protective father. She did seem happy though, and really, I had no right at all to be interfering like this, but that didn’t stop me from launching another carrot her way.

Immaturity took over as it bounced off her knee and rolled across the floor just beside one of her boots. She tried to look pissed, but I saw the slight twitch at the corner of her mouth.

“So John-“ My attention snapped back to my family and I had to make the conscious effort to regain a straight face.

“Uh huh.” I lowered my head as my dad addressed me.

“Have you spoken to the rest of the guys recently?” His words brought a heavy weight with them that dropped from my throat down to my shoes, shattering each bone in my chest on the way down.

“Yeah.” I said “We’re all still friends.”

My mother’s voice was like it was sent from the heavens “So, how about Shane’s grade A in his Biology test?!” her words rang with enthusiasm, a desperate enthusiasm that prayed to save me.

“But, surely they’re still furious with you?” My dad carried on.

I blamed the band strumming away in the corner for this, entirely.

“Probably.” The word came out as slow as it could have.

It was like he wanted me to flip out in front of the entire restaurant. Maybe that way it’d be easier. It’s always better to be incredibly fucked up than it is to be half a disaster and half a normal guy.
Maybe then people would pity my family rather than just scowl their way.

“You still haven’t fully explained to us what happened.” This caught my brothers attention and brought him back to us “I’m sure you’ve explained to them what happened though, right? I mean, it was their careers as well as it was yours.”

I knew coming here was a bad idea. This evening would end in me sprawled out on my kitchen floor with an empty bottle of whiskey in my hand, no doubt.

“They know dad. They were there… Jared had an idea that it was coming anyway so I’m sure he’s explained it to the rest of them.” I was beginning to tire of staring at the food in-front of me.

“But John, it’s been two years.” He emphasised the ‘two years’. “Surely you’ve had enough time.”

“I don’t need time. It was my decision to walk off that stage halfway through a song. And not the kind of decision you grow to regret.” My dad sighed and shook his head. “I don’t understand why everyone can’t just accept that I don’t want to be a musician anymore.”

It sounded like my mother choked on her food, but I figured it was a cry as from under my lashes I saw Shane grab her hand.

“So instead you’re just going to sleep with half the town and drink yourself into an early grave?”
There was a hint of humour beneath his words, but the disappointment and disgust buried it.

I lifted my head to make eye contact with him for possibly the first time in a week and stated “Yes.” before rising from my seat and shrugging on my jacket.

My mother let out another hushed cry like I was some kind of monster, causing my blood to stop pumping and my broken bones from my father’s words to completely disintegrate into nothing. My little brother, like a lap dog, scooted closer to her side and wrapped his arm around her. I didn’t even bother to look at my dad.

I ducked my head once again, wishing that I’d worn a hoodie underneath this jacket as everyone stared at me. I slid my hands into my pockets and walked out of the restaurant, the girl on the door not wishing me a nice evening like she was paid to do to everyone.

I could hear the blood in my ears.

The air wasn’t calming like it was earlier, instead, it irritated me that other things dared to be at peace when my pulse was throbbing the way it was. I grabbed my keys out of my pocket and jogged towards my truck before jabbing the key into the door. It was as stiff as usual, making my life difficult… it took everything in me not to just rip the door off of its hinges.

I was ready to let out a distressed roar that had been building in the pit of my stomach when, like an arrow cutting through the air, a voice pierced through my ear.

“John.” My name sounded more like a question than anything else.

I’d given up though, I limply turned my body on an angle so that I wasn’t facing her but so that my back wasn’t to her.

“Are you alright?” She titled her head ever so slightly.

“Fine” The word sounded harsh and bitter despite the pathetic breath it rolled out behind.

“That was a stupid question.” She looked to her feet, cursing herself.

This odd little action cooled my blood and I lifted my head to look at her. The cars zipped past behind her, flashing light around her so that she was merely a silhouette before me. She floated forward, moving past me and around the front of my truck to the passenger side. I’d just finally unlocked the door before she appeared so she opened it with ease and got in.

I couldn’t fathom what had just happened or what she was doing, but I got into the driver’s seat regardless.

I looked ahead the second I sat down, but upon clambering in, I caught a glimpse of her face… nothing. I expected pity, maybe even a bit of fear, but I found nothing.

I sat there, staring out across to the restaurant. I couldn’t start the engine and drive off because she might not have wanted that, so I just sat there, drowning in the tension.

The silence broke when she reached down and dragged the box of CD’s from under the seat. I watched her flick through in the darkness, thinking that there was no way she’d be able to see them properly, so I reached up and flicked the light on.

She carried on flicking like she knew what she was looking for but just had yet to locate it. My heart nearly flew straight through the windshield when she pulled out Gold by Ryan Adams. Now, nobody can feel like shit when the first track on that album starts to play, maybe she knew that and that was her reason for doing it, I don’t know.

“Are you gonna drive or shall I?” A burning wave washed over my body, making my fingers twitch, just looking at her in this light.

“Shouldn’t you go back inside?” Although I didn’t care much, I had this image of that guy sat there waiting for her to come back.

She smiled and looked to her lap, killing me, utterly destroying ever nerve in my skin.

“No.” She laughed “I don’t think he really expects me to come back.”

No further questions asked, I started the engine and drove out of the parking lot. I couldn’t breathe properly, I’d gone from raging with anger to flustered with want within a matter of seconds. We pulled out into the road and began drifting along like there was no friction between the ground and the tires. Glancing to her, I saw that she was turned away from me looking out of her window.

“Who was he?” I croaked, wishing I’d cleared my throat before speaking.

“My old art teacher” She laughed, turning to face the road in-front. “I thought that maybe I liked him but-“ I looked back at her to see a cringing grin “No.”

“Isn’t that a bit messed up… dating an ex-student?” I laughed.

“No, it’s completely acceptable… that is if all you want to talk about is the subject they taught you.” She laughed again and looked to me as I nodded in sudden understanding.

“Well I bet you’re wondering what the fuck happened with my night ey?” I sighed.

“I don’t need to know.” She said with not a flicker of emotion on her face or telling tone in her voice.

I was floored. Everyone who’d walked into my life, or even if they’d just passed by, wanted to know the ins and out of everything that went on. And maybe secretly she did want to know, but the sureness in her words that she didn’t was enough to make me want to tell her.

“What I do need to know though, is why you were chucking vegetables at me.” She raised an eyebrow with a smirk on her lips.

I laughed “To be a pest.”

“Fair enough… you succeeded.” Her light chuckles seemed to sink into my skin, making every heated feeling from before just dwindle into ashes.

All fell silent between us again, but comfortably, like we had all the time in the world and there was no need to cling on to conversation. The only sound being the hum of the engine and Ryan Adams launching into the next song.

“John.” Again she said my name like it was a question.

“Yeah.” I replied with the same tone. I thought that maybe she’d ask why my mother was crying, or why I slept around or if I was okay again. But, just like following me out of the restaurant, she pleasantly surprised me.

“Can we stop at the store?”