Two Hundred and Thirty

Watching the fire spit into the sky and create a life of its own at the core of the wood pile, I hadn’t thought that my involvement in the conversation would go noticed. That was until Pat, out of seemingly nowhere, lay his head on my knees, looking up at me with a gentle smile.

“You coming tonight?” He whispered, conversation still swelling around us from everyone else.

“I would love to, but I have other plans.” I watched his eyes close.

“You’ll be missing out on a good night.” He hushed before nuzzling his head on my knee and rearranging his position so that he was comfortable.

“I’m sure I will.” There was something about this whole situation that made me feel weak. Marcus made me feel like I had a choice in coming out with him, when really I didn’t at all, he knew I couldn’t just stand him up. Whereas I actually wanted to go to the show with the guys tonight, or maybe I just wanted to go out with them more than I did Marcus. In reality, I didn’t want to do either, all I wanted was to sit here all evening, but apparently that wasn’t an option.

“Where you going then?” He said, his face still as if he was on his way to falling asleep.

“I um, I have a date.” I felt it was easier to call it something it wasn’t than actually explain.

Pat’s eyes flashed open with his brow pulled tight in confusion, “But-“ He tilted his head like a curious puppy “I thought you were- I thought you were kinda seeing-“ The slight flicker of his eyes in another direction instantly sent panic through my veins.

“No, no, no-“ I shook my head, “ I- we’re just friends.”

“God damn it.” He cursed, sitting up off my lap. “God damn it, Rae, you’re ruining my hopes and dreams.” He yelled with a smirk on his face, drawing everyone’s attention to us.

I pressed my fingers to my forehead, laughing as he stood up and walked over to the cooler.

The conversation ignited again between the rest of them and for the first time since the fire caught my attention, I listened.

“We can’t stand side-stage tonight… remember last time-“ Garrett said, everyone jittered a response.

“My pride got dented severely with being knocked over by a 14 year old girl.” Jared added, earning laughter from everyone else.

“No, no- remember that show in Baltimore… when Pat lost a shoe-“ Everyone, apart from me and one other person burst into laughter, “Odd shoes for the rest of the tour-“

“I really wouldn’t say that I lost that shoe, it was literally taken off my foot half way through Don’t Stop Now” Pat continued… but it was as if he’d just ripped his eyeballs out during his sentence, everyone froze without a clue what to do.

The silence carried on as the sharp zip of laces against fabric cut through everything that could have been said. John tugged his laces towards his chest once more with another painful zipping sound before calmly tying them in a knot. Just as he slipped his other boot onto his foot, he looked up to the rest of the group, finally becoming aware that we were all watching. His lips looked impossibly smooth by the light of the fire, the dancing flames glowing the side of his face.

“What?” He said, flicking his eyes around the group innocently.

Jared pouted and shook his head in response, everyone else seemed to look away when all I could do was stare. I hadn’t the slightest idea as to what had just happened.

John cleared his throat, “It’s getting late, Rae, don’t you need to leave soon?”

I glanced around the group, everyone suddenly becoming incredibly fascinated with the sand.

“Uh, yeah,” I jumped a little as he jerked his laces on his other boot before tying them.

“I’ll drive you now then- I’ll see you guys later.” He nodded in their general direction as he stood up and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

He didn’t so much as flinch to look back at me, or at anyone as he said “I’ll wait in the truck.”

I watched in astonishment as he strode across the sand up to the parking lot, with the remains of the fading sunlight illuminating the right side of his figure.

I felt deeply uncomfortable, but smiled as I slipped on my shoes, gathered my things and said goodbye to the group, who resembled war victims sitting in there silent, awkward grief as they couldn’t find a suitable conversation.

I trotted across the beach being mindful not to stand in John’s exact footprints until I saw the line of vehicles that belonged to everyone. All I could see was the back of John’s head and his hand draped out of the window with a lit cigarette between his fingers. Approaching closer, I weighed up my options of running back to the group, walking home or sitting in this car with this man for the next few hours. The debate was a waste as the whole time, my only option was getting painfully close. Every other sound, if there was any was cancelled out as I opened the door to the truck and sank into the passenger seat without making eye contact.

He flicked the cigarette bud onto the concrete with a light tap and started the engine.

“You’re not going to show up tonight are you?” I said without properly thinking it through.

He glanced at me, his brow pulled tight and then averted his attention back to the road. I don’t think he knew, or liked how I could predict his next act.

“Of course I am.” He replied.

“I wouldn’t. I mean, I don’t have the slightest clue as to what just went on, or what has gone on for that matter, but what I do know is that, whatever it is, the painful awkwardness that comes along with it would force me into never leaving my apartment.”

“You can only do that for so long.” He said bluntly.

“So, resolve the issue.” In retrospect, I was being an idiot by offering advice on something I didn’t know a thing about.

It was quiet for a second, the hum of the engine acting as a comforting drone of safety.

“Alright then, how do you resolve an issue that was never there in the first place?” He didn’t latch his eyes off the road as he spoke, “An issue that formed through irrationality and impulsiveness, an issue that was at the fault of no one else but one man. An issue that changed people’s lives because of that one man’s selfishness and fear. Impulsive, irrational reactions to fear that ruined the lives of people he held close. There was no reason for it, no motivation, just cold feet. This wasn’t an argument over some girl, or a silly punch up over a $5 debt, this was serious, Rae and I’m sorry for dragging you into it. It wasn’t intentional, I promise, just selfish again.”

“Stop feeling so sorry for yourself.” My words could have carried a nuclear bomb or they may as well have, there was no point retreating now. “I don’t know what went on, and really, there isn’t a hope in me trying to help. I just don’t think that you going into self-destruct mode is going to make anything any better… being this way isn’t going to lend itself kindly to any situation, regardless of circumstance. These guys are your friends and whatever you did, they’ve stuck by you. You may have ruined their lives but they seem to have forgiven you, it’s just that you haven’t forgiven yourself, that’s the problem.”

“I’m not in self-destruct mode.” He spat.

I laughed, “Sure.”

“Don’t talk like you know me, you’re the only one in this fucking town that doesn’t know the ins and out of my life. You have no place to tell me-“

“And that’s the only reason you’re hanging out with me, because I don’t have a fucking clue. You can pretend it didn’t happen that way. When you said it earlier today I thought it was cute in all honesty, but thinking about it, it’s pretty weak.” His jaw clenched in the corner of my eye. “Pull over.”

“What, I’m not-“

“Pull over.” I demanded.

My entire body jolted to the right as we swerved off the smooth road and onto the dirt that stretched for miles. Dust coated the windows as we came to an abrupt stop.

“Pulled over.” He smiled bitterly before getting out of the cab and slamming the door.

The intention was for me to get out and walk, not for him to take a minute to admire the scenery. My fingers twitched with the desire to clamber into the driver’s seat and fly off leaving him to be an asshole in this vast open space, but every part of me knew I would drive a few meters before turning straight back around.

I followed his actions and got out of the cab, pretending the door frame was his face as I slammed the door. He’d used me to make himself feel better and yes, partially that is charming to an extent but right now, not knowing a thing and being trailed around like a kid’s teddy bear to make him feel normal, it pissed me off.

I glanced around a few times but couldn’t see him anywhere, so I walked around to the back to see him sat in the truck bed, again, surely feeling sorry for himself.

“What are you doing?” I spat.

“Oh, sorry, did you expect me to drive off and leave you here in the middle of nowhere?” He said in a monotone.

I huffed like a teenager not getting their own way and stormed off in the direction we were driving, surely it wouldn’t be that easy to get lost on the roads out here. Who did he really think he was? He couldn’t just use me like that and mope about his shitty life that he was making a million times worse by acting like a petulant child. He left me to it for a good 15 minutes before I heard that same hum of the truck chugging behind me and then beside me. I looked ahead the best I could as he trailed beside me at about 3mph, neither of us saying a word. This went on for a little while until John started to flick through the CD box, I watched him out of the corner of my eye.

“You’re a pain in the ass, you know that?” He huffed, slipping a CD into the stereo and turning it up as loud as possible.

I recognised it straight away, one second into the intro… Cautioners. It was deafening to me, so who knows how loud it was for him actually sat right next to the speakers.

“Turn it off!” I screamed in his direction.

He shook his head as the intro carried on, the smug look on his face making my blood boil, then he began to wail along with the lyrics, only occasionally me being able to actually hear him over how loud the speakers were.

“I hate you, turn it off!” I yelled even louder than before, losing my footing slightly, not being able to scream so loud and walk so fast at the same time.

The charismatic look on his face made everything worse, if playing one of my favourite songs wasn’t already doing that. I covered my ears with my hands and powerwalked as fast as I could in the hope that maybe all this, or I would disappear. I didn’t know what he was actually trying to achieve by doing this, just piss me off more? Make me less mad? I really didn’t know but there was no way I’d ever be able to listen to that damn song the same way again.

The music finally began to fade, but I carried on, not looking back. I took my hands off my ears and carried on. As the music got further away, fast footsteps replaced them, footsteps that were not mine, footsteps and obnoxious singing. Before I could turn around, John’s arms wrapped around my waist and threw me up, over his shoulder in one swift movement, I let out a cry. All this accompanied with Jimmy Eat World blaring in the distance and John’s purposely awful singing.

“You’re not funny!” I yelled, admittedly not being as mad as I was three seconds ago.

He just carried on singing though, walking and singing on the way back to his truck. And then I broke, I did something that ruined my strop, I laughed. We finally reached the truck and the song trailed off into the next, John dropped me to my feet and ignored my repeated thumps in his arm as he reached into the truck and turned it off.

“Are you done now?” He grinned.