Two Hundred and Thirty

19 Days

Before I’d even opened my eyes, I could smell the earthy scent of Pine trees filling the car and for a moment I was back camping with my father and brothers in the North. The tips of my fingers tingled from the cold and my cheeks flushed from the fresh air, I didn’t know if I was remembering what it felt like in the open English air, or I was genuinely feeling it at that moment. I kept my eyes squeezed closed for as long as I could before the blaring white light from the sun attacked me.

My numb nose peeped out from underneath a leather jacket that certainly wasn’t mine, and my fingers curled around the material on the inside for some sort of comfort. Clearing my throat, my muscles moaned as I sat up from my slouch and rubbed my face with the palm of my hand. John wasn’t in the seat next to me and the only thing on the back seat was that rather miserable looking bunch of flowers. Squinting away from the sun light, I craned my neck around to find that I was just by the road side, underneath a grand row of Pine trees that sheltered a small truck stop. Two poorly erected wooden shacks stood proudly with a square of dark dirt between them and a small petrol pump at the far end. Colour drained advertisements swing lightly in the wind, groaning louder than anything for miles.

With a sweet bell ring, one of the shack doors swung open and John, with his lumberjack style button up and worn out jeans to match his boots, emerged from inside, looking like he could have owned the place. He left the store laughing to whoever was inside and a knot seemed to untie itself in my stomach. I hadn’t seen him laugh in what seemed like ages but really was only a matter of days and only now did it occur to me how glad I was to see him, regardless of the shit he’d put everyone through.

His head bobbed to look at me through the window and the smile that had only just slipped from his face, returned immediately and he gestured for me to come over. I raised an eyebrow as if to say “really?” and huffed to myself as I clambered out from the car, straightening out my shirt. It was even colder outside and I didn’t trust my legs as I walked towards him due to the lack of movement in hours.

“Come on,” He grinned, turning and walking ahead of me before I’d even caught up.

“Alright, alright but where the hell are we?” He slowed his pace as I spoke, flinging his arm around me when I reached his side. I wasn’t cold anymore.

He chuckled, “I have absolutely no idea,” he laughed at my facial expression which I’m guessing was one of horror, “you were asleep so couldn’t object to it, therefore I took it upon myself to make the decision to take a detour.”

I shoved him in the ribs so his arm fell from my shoulders, “You’re literally the biggest pain in the ass I’ve ever known,” He replied with a childish grin that squinted his eyes and exposed all his teeth and it took everything in me not to laugh.

Even though I was glad to have him around and safe, he still left without telling anyone and put his friends and family through shit for the past few days. I still wanted answers.

If humble had a home, this place would have been it. Although clearly lacking of business, the owner of the store filled every corner with whatever he wanted to, from cigarette lighters to guitars, each wall radiated with life. I followed John as he weaved in and out of the various stands and displays, catching a watermelon shaped telephone that he’d knocked off one of the shelves as he passed.

Eventually, we reached a doorway with feathered and beaded tassels hanging from the frame. John held them aside while I walked through to a tiny little dining space with four tables and a breakfast bar. The walls cluttered with picture frames and ornaments.

“You hungry?” He asked, guiding me to a table with his arm behind me, like he was careful not to touch.

I nodded. Hungry was an understatement.

After ordering our food from a young girl who clearly would had rather us not been there, my palms started to sweat over the battle inside my head of whether to tell him I knew about the band or not. And a cloud hovered over our heads as we knew what we had to talk about eventually, but neither of us knew how. But luckily, I didn’t have to make the first move.

“I just needed to get away, you know?” I did know, but couldn’t accept it, “Some days it’s easier to disappear for a while rather than face up to something.”

“But now you’re in a situation where it’s awkward when you get back,”

“I doubt they’ve even noticed I’ve been gone,” He looked incredibly sorry for himself and it was making me mad.

“Are you serious?!” He drew his eyes from the table cloth to look at me, “Jared’s been round at my apartment almost every day asking me if I’d seen or heard anything from you. And all the guys have been in contact with your parents about it. You’ve had everyone worried sick, John.”

Rubbing the back of his neck, he suddenly seemed to find the artwork around the room more interesting than anything I had to say. His hand was colder than I expected when I held it in mine.

“Look,” I said, running my other hand through my hair, “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

His lips pulled into a tight smile and through the eye contact, I became painfully aware that we were still holding our hands together over the table. I snatched my hand away quickly, ignoring the stunned expression on his face as I saw the waitress approaching.

She placed our food on the table and we exchanged half-hearted smiles before she disappeared into the back again.

“Well someone’s not getting a tip,” John said, overly loud in the hope that she would hear. I breathed out a laugh, and then it came out like vomit, like a reflex that couldn’t be suppressed or ignored.

“Jared told me.” My voice withered into nothing on the last word.

It all became vividly clear to me that I was scared, scared of what he was going to say. I was scared that he wouldn’t need me around anymore because I knew his secrets. I didn’t serve the purpose he wanted me for anymore and would that mean he’d leave me, never speak to me again? And the fact that I was so fearful of him making such a decision, pissed me off more than the fact he’d been using me. The tension of fear and the anger towards the fear was making my head spin and my hands shake, as he stared at me blankly over his breakfast.

“Told you what?” His mouth barely moved as he spoke.

“What happened, with the band, everything.” The cutlery clanked together on the table as his hand fell from his jaw.

Eyes closed, his head bowed backwards, a huff came from the core of his chest. I watched as he brought his hands to his eyes, leaving them to cover his vision as he brought his head back to face me.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” I said as elbows rested on the table and his fingers parted slightly to look at me.

“I ruined my friends’ career as well as my own, Rae,” his palms fell to the table, “that’s a fucking big deal.” There was a pause before he carried on, “We were the pride of the town, everyone was backing us, saying how hopeful we were, so when I bottled it, everyone knew. And now that I’m the way I am, they all want to know about it, I’m fucking local gossip! And the guys, Pat’s sleeping on his brother’s sofa, Garrett works in a fucking restaurant-“

“But they’re still friends with you… the only one bitter about it is you.” He rubbed his hand across his face like I was stupid, “No, don’t… I’m right. Sure people might whisper about how the Tempe golden boy turned bad, but the people who actually matter seem to have pretty much forgiven you. Do you want me to just agree with you and leave you alone because you’re an asshole?”

He inhaled through his nose like he’d been underwater for the past three months, “that would be a lot easier,”

Before he’d even had the chance to take his next breath, I’d stood from my seat, “Fine.”

Raging, but still careful not to touch anything in the cluttered isles, I stormed out of the store and the icy cold breeze was a relief to my now flushed cheeks. I was going to get in the car a drive away and leave him to wallow in his own self-pity just like he wanted to.

“Rae!” He yelled after me, his voice sounding alien to the thick silence of the open road, “Rae, come on, wait a sec!”

It was like fire was burning under my feet, my brain wasn’t even controlling my movements anymore, like the car was a relentless magnet. I wasn’t one to chase after people who didn’t want me around.

My pulse only jumped faster when John appeared in front of me, breathless and blocking my way.

“Move.” I ordered, seeing far past anything that the glare of his green eyes usually made me feel.

He raised his hands in plea, “Will you please just hear me out for two seconds?”

“I walk, you talk,” I said, barging past him.

“Fine,” He breathed, skipping a step to get back to my pace as I powered on, “I like having you around Rae, that’s why I never told you, because- - because I thought you’d want nothing to do with me, but now- - now that you’re okay with it, it scares me ‘cause, I don’t want to end up hurting you, which seems to be what I do to everyone who means anything to me.” I carried on as if I hadn’t heard him, eyes latched onto my car.

He huffed beside me, “Look I- - I don’t know what else to say-“ He moaned again like this was severely distressing him and his brain were about to burst out of his ears when-

It felt like I’d just walked into a wall or collided head-on with a stampeding horse. His hand wrapped around my arm, just above my elbow, I could smell the hint of coffee and mint lingering on him as his other hand cupped my face, each finger-tip lining my jaw. He was kissing me. Why the fuck was he kissing me? My hands hovered in the space between us, trembling to push him away… but they hesitated, unsure on whether to retreat to their own body or fall into his. His kiss was soft but panicked, innocent yet insistent. My knees shuddered as his fingers slid along my jaw towards my neck and I almost went to push him away. But a numbness came over my brain like I’d never known anything else before and I sunk into him, letting my lips mould with his, my hands reaching and landing on his chest like dead feathers set alight upon impact. And I could feel it, the nerves, the little bolts of electricity, I could feel them shooting from him to me, through the tips of my fingers, tingling across my lips.

Then he pulled away, our lips parting, his grip on me slipping. The cold bitterly snapped at my mouth reminding me that he was no longer there and I did not want to open my eyes. But when I did, he was just staring at me, his eyes deep and filled with things I could never see. His hand fell to my shoulder and the other slid to my wrist.

All the previous heat drained from me and I became suddenly aware of our previous conversation and how none of this fit together. Why would he say he’d rather me leave him alone so he didn’t hurt me, only then to run after me and kiss me when I did? Nothing made me feel more uncomfortable than confusion and lack of control and at the very second, I was completely lost and passive to whatever he wanted.

So I let my hand fall back to my sides and just as if it never happened, I stormed to my car, started the engine and without looking back, I drove.