Two Hundred and Thirty

I’d left my apartment at around 11am when the sun was high in the sky. I wore my washed out denim shorts that I’d had longer than I’d like to recall and a black Jimmy Eat World t-shirt that I’d gotten from one of their tours. I felt uneasy wearing so little clothing and trotting through a hardware depot full of builders and workmen. But this was where canvas’ were cheapest.

I chose to leave at 11am for a reason. And there’s no point me not mentioning that reason or pretending that I didn’t.

J- - my neighbour usually played around that time every week-day morning. And after the revelation of the previous day… his music was the last thing I wanted to hear.

Sometimes it’s better not knowing something. Even though each day it will bug you and intrigue you, in reality you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment.

I imagined my neighbour to be a gentlemen. A lonely man with honest eyes and too much facial hair. Ideas swarming around his head that prevented him from sleeping at night. Kindness weaved into his bones. And a rich scent of coffee that followed him around wherever he went. It made sense to me that way, from some of the lyrics I’d caught and the emotion in his tone… that’s how I saw him. Certainly not a sleazy, arrogant pretty boy who thought the world was put into orbit around his existence.

Lucy had left my apartment late last night after she had explained in thorough detail how she knew John O’Callaghan. Which I am not going to repeat much other than before I moved here and while John was still living with his parents, Lucy spent the night with him while is family were out of town. Ever since then, she’s had a thing for him, but apparently so did the rest of the girls in town.

I didn’t care much but listened anyway as she told me how her and her friends would all share stories of ‘encounters’ with him. She also said something about him being a complete loser until ’07, but I didn’t pay much attention to the reason if she even said one.

I was far too busy trying to calm myself. I wanted more than anything to storm into his apartment and smack that crooked smirk off his face. Even though it wasn’t his fault, he was just doing what he did. He was everything I didn’t want him to be, I wanted this man to be how I imagined. Not because I wanted to be with him or anything like that, just because sometimes it is nice to see good people and just know they exist. He ruined that.

My skin prickled with sweat as I found myself hauling far too many canvas’ into the lobby. Even the air conditioning today couldn’t cool me down.

I thought I’d save myself two trips and carry them all at once but regretted that decision completely by the time I’d begun walking away from my car. I really did curse the mechanics that failed to fix the elevators too. Everything hurt, my arms, my knees, every inch of muscle. And that was just between the journey from the carpark to where I stood in the lobby.

I sighed a little too dramatically and flung my head back in disbelief of the epic struggle I was about to embark on. I regained my grip on the canvas’ and flipped my hair out of my face. There was no point prolonging it anymore.

“You need a hand?” I’d never heard this man’s voice before… sober at least.

I awkwardly shifted myself to turn towards the person behind me.

I’d never been so disheartened to see another human being in my life.

He stood there, both hands stuffed into the pockets of his ripped blue jeans, so that his thumbs emerged out of each pocket. His sun kissed skin was on full display as all he wore was a loose grey t-shirt that hung over his frame. Not to mention, the low cut neck on the t-shirt revealed a chest tattoo that introduced an unwanted excitement within me. I didn’t read it though.

“No, I’m alright” I said as bluntly as I could.

“You helped me; it’s only fair that I help you when you need it” A crooked smile crept onto his face, revealing his teeth.

“I’m surprised you can even remember” I laughed, immediately regretting it because I would have looked happy to be conversing with him.

“Of course I do” His controlled smile grew into a wide grin that ignited something in the pit of my stomach. “Come on”

He leant forward, releasing his hands from his pockets and taking one of the canvas’ from under my arm. I couldn’t help but snap my attention to the tattoo on his bicep that peeped out from under his sleeve. I wondered how many more he had… Just out of curiosity of course.

“You really don’t have to” I insisted.

“I’m returning the favour” His grin reappeared once again as he took another that was pinned between my body and my arm.

I must have looked like a pack-mule.

Before I knew it, he was ahead of me, taking the first few steps up the staircase. He trotted up the first flight effortlessly, causing me to snigger at the memory of him stumbling up them the other night.
But then he waited for me before heading up the second.

“So you like Jimmy?” He chirped.

“Oh- uh yeah” I noticed how he was almost tripping over himself trying to shorten his strides to keep at the same pace with me.

“What’s your favourite song?” I kept my eyes in front of me being sure not to look at him.
It took me a good few seconds of pondering “I can’t choose… it depends from which album?”

“Bleed American?” I could tell from his voice that he was smiling.

“Cautioners” I said without hesitation.

“Same” He chuckled.

I let out a light laugh and we were then silent for the next few steps.

“What made you leave England?”

For a second I questioned how he knew that I was from England but then I remembered that my accent is quiet a big giveaway.

“There’s a good Art course over here” I replied.

“An Art course worth travelling all that way for?” I didn’t have to look at him to know that he was smirking.

“No- - I dunno, I wanted a change” I mentally wondered why I was justifying myself to him.

“That’s impressive”

“Huh?”

“Moving to the other side of the world for a ‘change’, you must be a pretty interesting person to know” His breathing was staggered now.

I’d never seen my move over here in that light before. It was so fast. I applied, packed up my stuff and went. I didn’t even question it.

“I guess so” I needed some sort of speech to fill the gap as we were now on the fourth floor.

I stared down the corridor, feeling strangely embarrassed at the thought of him coming to my apartment. That was where I listened to him sing for hours… contemplated what his songs were about…

“I think I can take it from here” I nodded, awkwardly making eye contact for a split second.

“But you walked me to my door… it’s only fair that-“

I didn’t like his tone. It made my palms sweaty. And not for the reason he wanted either. He raised his eyebrow slightly and squinted his eyes although there was no sun and his voice was now suddenly hushed.

I didn’t even need to remind myself of what he was like. He did that for himself.

“It’s fine. We’re even now” I said, shoving two canvas’ under my arms so I could get a hold of the ones he was carrying.

“We’re not in my eyes, until I walk you to your door” He emphasized each word and his grin increased in size.

I huffed and headed towards my door with John hot on my heels.

“Ok” I said, stopping in-front of my door “Even”

“Even” He smirked as I turned to unlock the door.

I smacked my lips together, looking at him as if to say ‘you can go now’ but he stood infront of me with the canvas’ under his arms as if he was oblivious to the meaning behind my expression.

But then he handed them to me. And I couldn’t help but take note of the buzz underneath my skin as we briefly touched. I convinced myself that it was just because he made me nervous what with him being my secret safety blanket for two years.

“See you around …” He paused for me to give him my name.

“Raina” I forced out a smile “And um, yeah thanks for-“

“Cool” He nodded, turning to head down the corridor.

I turned myself, to walk all the way through the door way.But just as I did, one of the canvas’ hit against the door frame and instinctively I went to catch it, then causing all the others to fly out of my grasp.
It could not have gone worse.

My cheeks flushed with embarrassment and I instantly dropped to the floor to pick them up. My head could have erupted with heat as I felt John’s presence lingering beside me again. His hands were now clambering around like mine, picking up the canvas’.

“Here- - I got it- - Here” He said as he assisted me yet again.

The ground could have swallowed me up. I honestly would not have cared.

“Sorry, thanks” I said, standing up but being sure not to look him in the eye. “Just-“

I didn’t need to say anything else. He followed me into the apartment and nudged the door shut behind him. I made my way to the spare room and tapped the door open with my foot.

“Just put them down anywhere you can find” I stuttered awkwardly.

I was now incredibly aware that John was in a room filled souly with my artwork that only a handful of people had seen.

“You did all of these?” He asked, putting the canvas’ against the wall.

There wasn’t a smirk on his face or any tone in his voice. His eyes just scanned the room, his lips parted ever so slightly.

“Um, yeah” I rubbed the back of my neck.

“Rae, these are incredible” He said, now facing and staring at one of the pieces that hung on the wall. “Do you do exhibitions and stuff?” He turned to face me, his eyes catching me off guard.

They did that a lot. Whenever his eyes hit mine. I was completely stunned by the colour, the vibrancy, the… I don’t know. I’d never seen anything like them. It was like a burning hot arrow jutting into my chest.

“No” I laughed “You have to be insanely good to do stuff like that”

“If this stuff isn’t insanely good then shit, I don’t know what would be” He ran his hand through his hair, ruffling it up.

It was bizarre to be in the presence of someone like John; to me people who looked like him were only real in photographs. But that didn’t mean I liked him, even remotely. You can appreciate someone’s looks but still dislike them.

I wanted him to leave. I didn’t understand him. He was so difficult to interpret. One second he was flirtatious and vile. The next he’s asking me about music and home. And then on top of it all, he was my backbone for two years without ever even meeting me. It was all too weird.

“Thanks” I laughed awkwardly.

He turned to me again, his eyes having the exact same impact as only a matter of seconds earlier. I could completely understand why people were attracted to him, but he knew that, and that’s what made him unattractive to me. I just needed to inform my nerves that.

He shuffled in his shoes “Well, um, yeah. I’ll see you then”

“Yeah” I followed him out of the room and towards the front door “Bye”

And with that, the door shut behind him and he was gone. In my head I was thankful but in my chest I wanted him to come back.