Lovely Rita

September and October went by, though it seemed they took forever. By November 15th 1968, I had fallen into a deep, secret pit of despair as the weeks wore on, and the guilt had built up so much inside of me that I had turned into a recluse. Sure I cleaned, went to the studio to help out every now and then, and all of the other things I used to, but I knew I wasn't myself. Both Paul and Linda would check I was okay, but oftentimes I was already sleeping out of a lack of ideas of what to do with myself, seeing as I didn't feel wanted.

The knowledge I wasn't myself came when I realised I was drinking wine every night. I would buy a bottle a night and drink it. Sometimes I'd have two and just drink until I passed out on my bed. I only ever drank in my bedroom. I would sit quietly in the living room until nine, before slinking off into my bedroom. I think the alcohol numbed the guilt and pain of having to live with all of these secrets; having to change my identity, being from the future, sleeping with Paul twice... It had never left and I could tell it never would. So drinking was my outlet. Paul would understand, but I was too embarrassed of myself to even tell him.

In a bid to escape the guilt, I had also been desperately scouring everywhere I could for jobs. I hadn't found one good audition over here. Lousy Britain.

I felt absolutely hopeless. Unwanted, alone, scared and living a complete lie to everyone I knew.

My mind contemplated all of this while my body was somewhere else entirely. I was wandering to the store to get some more wine, which I bought along with chips in order to pad the bag out. Linda and Paul must think I'm a freaking bullemic from the amount of junk food I bought. Not that I ate it. I didn't particularly eat much nowadays. I felt guilty using anything of Linda's since she'd been so kind and I'd been so spiteful by sleeping with her long term boyfriend.

I smiled at the lad behind the counter, as he knew I was a regular and that I was a 'friend' of Paul's, as he frequented this shop, too.

"You okay sweetheart?" He said, as I plonked the two bottles of red wine down on the counter. I got the cheap ones. Didn't want to use any money I didn't have to.

"I'm fine." I said, trying not to slur my words. I felt in a constant drunken state.

"As long as you say so. Anything else?"

"Nah, you're fine. Thankyou." I said, leaning down and giving him the money in a sleazy way. I had no guard when I was drunk or high. I was a cheap date, I guess.

I wandered out of the shop and back to Paul's, and quickly sauntered into my room with my bag of crap. I felt like shit, then I felt shitty for buying drink to help me not feel shit, and that just made me feel even... shitter! I sat on my bed wallowing in this pit, not knowing what exactly to do with myself as I sighed at the bottle I was holding.

My thumbs wiped the cold drips from it, that had formed as I had brought the bottles in from the blistering cold outside. I looked up at my reflection and grimaced.

"Jesus Christ." I said, hanging my head.

My hair was in tangles and my eyes were bloodshot and sunken. I felt like my skin was sallow and darkening, and I was losing weight from the little food I was actually eating (like I said, I didn't think I deserved it, whereas those children living in Africa hadn't slept with an innocent, lovely woman's husband). I hadn't lost much noticeable weight to other people, but I knew. I was feeling colder and I could get drunk quicker.

I glanced over to the glasses of John's I still had. I had seen him since that night, but I just hadn't given them back. I looked from those to the bottle I was holding and back again, contemplating. In the end I decided enough was enough. I put the bottle on my bed, grabbed the glasses and walked out into the living room.

"Paul, can I borrow your car?" I said, trying to sound as normal as possible, smiling as best I could muster while feeling like this.

"Um, yeah sure Julie. Why, where you off?" He said, turning and smiling. He had his arm around Linda and I looked at her, feeling that familiar pang of guilt I got whenever I saw her.

"I have to bring these back to John. I wanted to before I forget, as I keep on. It's been ages and I felt bad." I said, smiling. He laughed at me.

"Bless you. Okay, see you in a bit Julie." He said, smiling warmly as I took the keys from him and walked out. I stormed through the cold to the car, and shoved the keys in the ignition, before speeding my way as carefully as possible to John's. I needed someone to talk to and John was my trustee with my problems.
The car screeched to a halt outside John's humble house, and I locked the car as I stepped on each step quietly and carefully, contemplating my actions; after all, I had been quite sudden and brash...

I got to the top of the steps leading to his door, and held my hand up to knock. I held the glasses in my other hand and looked down at them, seeing John's reassuring face behind them as I did so. He was always there whenever I needed help regarding Paul. He really did know and love him like a brother, and to tell the truth I felt like a bit of a sister to him. That did it.

I knocked hard on the door, ensuring he heard me. I began shivering as I heard footsteps approaching the door.

It opened, and I stood and held out John's glasses to him at arms length, and a tear rolled down my cheek.

"Help me..." was all I could say, as my voice crackled and I stepped towards John for a hug. He wrapped his arms around me and tried to get me out of the cold. I could tell this wasn't going to just be a little chat. I felt like getting everything out.