Lovely Rita

Chapter 41

I tucked my hands into the sleeves of the sweater that was far too big for my smallish frame, and sniffled as I wandered into John's simplistic home. There was hardly any furniture, but a couch, table and a few chairs in the kitchen/dining room that led on from the living room and obviously a refrigerator and the basics. There were a lot of plants around, too. I liked the room; the calm atmosphere added to the peace and serenity of the place.

John motioned for me to sit on the couch silently as he went out into the kitchen and made tea. I longed for something warm inside me, and I instantly yearned for the wine I had purchased earlier. I restrained myself from saying something yet though and thanked John as he returned with the tea, masking the disappointment at it not being something a little stronger.

"So what's all this then, lovely?" John asked, leaning in towards me in that manner I always saw him employ during interviews and such. He was always one to get close to the person he was talking to. John didn't waste any time. I looked into my mug for the answers, but realised I would have to explain everything - how I'd been feeling for these past few weeks.

"I can't handle it. I thought, John, I thought I could but I can't. I just know I'll say something one day. I can't find a job, the one man I want doesn't need me and I'm alienating everyone one by one. To make it worse if I hadn't come here again and ruined things for everyone else, I'd still have friends and auditions to fall back on. I feel like utter shit, John..." I said, crying my eyes out by the end. My voice broke as I trailed off, not knowing what tone to take. He put his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. He was warm so it filled the void of alcohol for a brief time.

"You reek of booze up close, chick. Is that what you've been doing, how you've handled this?" He said monotonously. I nodded before realising he wouldn't be able to see me.

"I guess so, yeah. I drink about two bottles of wine on a bad day. I can just go for one though. This has been happening for a while. I only drink in my room. It's so lonely, I just don't know what else to do. I can't escape it because Paul and Linda are always there. I can't talk to him about it... frankly, I'm embarrassed. I know that's totally plausible, being embarrassed, but I don't know who else to talk to..." I said, feeling my tears dampening John's light shirt.
"You have a calming effect on me, so I thought to go to you first." I snuffled.

"That's great, Julie. But this drinking? It has to stop. Talk to Paul. I'm sure you can figure something out I mean, you used to click so well - still do! The other night I couldn't help thinking how perfect you were around eachother." John said, holding me at arms length and smiling as he told me this, looking directly into my eyes.
"He would always talk about you. He missed you greatly, and I could tell he loved you. I think he still does. He's just a very confused lad who's in love with two women." John finished.

"But I was always meant to be the other woman. Paul and Linda, I know that they're perfect for eachother. I've seen it. She's the love of his life. Before I came here, I was never meant to be with him. I was - am - from the future. It's just totally screwed up. He's meant to be 40 odd years older than me, not the same age!" I said, my voice raising as I began getting hysterical. John hugged me again as I violently sobbed, feeling completely and utterly hopeless, stupid and confused. My mind was completely red with an ink blot of emotions that I couldn't decipher.

"It's hard to imagine Paul being 70..." John said, his thoughts obviously tangenting. I stifled a giggle.

"Think how weird it is for me, seeing him over in 2012 as an older man and then back here!" I said, starting to calm down again. I was all over the place tonight. That made John chuckle.

"As I was saying, you need to talk to Paul. That's the only way you're going to get help and resolve this problem. We can keep this little meeting between us if you'd like? I can keep a secret if you can, sweetheart." John said, smiling at me and hugging me once more, before I stood up to leave with that chasm inside me still open and yearning for more help. Everytime 'talking to Paul' was suggested, I just couldn't face it. I was a mess, so something was bound to go wrong. My stomach dropped and I didn't even get that 'nice' nervous, butterfly feeling that I used to get when I thought of seeing Paul. It was downright terror I felt.

I thanked John as I left, feeling no more secure than I had before. I had mainly wanted John's calming company, but I couldn't stay there all night. I didn't particularly want to go home either.

I drove around for a while, before stopping across the street from the all night store I knew Paul often frequented. I looked at the doors, watching the very few people that visited pop in and out. It quietened down and I made my way out of the car, insecurely pulling my sweater down and hiding my hands as I crossed the street.
♠ ♠ ♠
I've got the next chapters until the end sorted I think, so I may be posting rapidly and might even get it finished this half term holiday, huzzah!

Some chapters have dragged, I know, but don't lose interest, it's getting gritty.