Lovely Rita
Chapter 42
I bought the biggest bottle of Vodka I could afford with the money I had on me and thanked the shop assistant. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't really want to think. I just knew this was how I felt.
I drove to another store I knew and bought two boxes of painkillers and stuffed them in my pocket as I made my way back out to the car. The wind was getting up a bit now and it was freezing. I longed for the warmth of the Vodka running down my throat and spreading through my body. I stuck the key in the ignition and made my way to a place I knew I wouldn't be disturbed.
I sat in the car and gathered my thoughts for a while, as I looked at the bottle and pills on the passenger seat next to me.
I had alienated my friends back home, first of all. I had lost out on my audition back in 2012. I had ruined any chances I had with Paul by leaving it too late to return, or even going in the first place. I was destroying the perfect relationship just by being in that house - that had been proved by me not being able to hold back from sleeping with him. I was poison. I had this overwhelming guilt that wouldn't subside. The only man I would ever truly want didn't need me - not to say he didn't want me, but I knew he didn't need me. And to top it off, I couldn't find an acting job anywhere. I felt so pointless and alone. I didn't need to exist. Helpless is the word, I think...
Deciding I was doing something worthwhile through this, I turned off the ignition, though leaving the lights of the car on so that I could see where I was going. I grabbed the bottle and little boxes and made my way down to the bench up ahead.
I stumbled in the freezing cold and my hair whipped about my face violently. The bench was cold and I felt a sting through my trousers as I sat on it, that's how cold it was. I shivered and looked along the lane that was mainly used for people who walked their dogs. It was an abandoned railway track made into a road/nature walk track. I felt sorry for the people who would walk it tomorrow morning.
A few tears dropped down onto the boxes in my lap as the thoughts and memories that had led me to this made their way to the front of my mind again. I put my hands to my ears and violently sobbed, holding myself tight as if that would protect me from my own mind.
"Go away!" I whispered, my words being lost to the wind. I yelled it the second time, sobbing violently afterwards as my words once again faded out for noone to hear.
I opened the bottle shakily, my hands fumbling with the lid as I hysterically sobbed. My face was blotchy and red, I could tell from the heat it was radiating. A huge mouthful made its way down my gullet and I choked, coughing and spluttering out in front of me at the strong taste. I took another gulp.
I sat, sagging for a while before I drank my next gulp. I was a complete failure. A waste of space. I was doing nothing with my life and it was going nowhere. What was the point? This propelled me to drink more and more, and soon enough I'd forgotten about the pills and just focussed on finishing this imposing bottle of Vodka.
That'd kill me soon enough anyway.
I drove to another store I knew and bought two boxes of painkillers and stuffed them in my pocket as I made my way back out to the car. The wind was getting up a bit now and it was freezing. I longed for the warmth of the Vodka running down my throat and spreading through my body. I stuck the key in the ignition and made my way to a place I knew I wouldn't be disturbed.
I sat in the car and gathered my thoughts for a while, as I looked at the bottle and pills on the passenger seat next to me.
I had alienated my friends back home, first of all. I had lost out on my audition back in 2012. I had ruined any chances I had with Paul by leaving it too late to return, or even going in the first place. I was destroying the perfect relationship just by being in that house - that had been proved by me not being able to hold back from sleeping with him. I was poison. I had this overwhelming guilt that wouldn't subside. The only man I would ever truly want didn't need me - not to say he didn't want me, but I knew he didn't need me. And to top it off, I couldn't find an acting job anywhere. I felt so pointless and alone. I didn't need to exist. Helpless is the word, I think...
Deciding I was doing something worthwhile through this, I turned off the ignition, though leaving the lights of the car on so that I could see where I was going. I grabbed the bottle and little boxes and made my way down to the bench up ahead.
I stumbled in the freezing cold and my hair whipped about my face violently. The bench was cold and I felt a sting through my trousers as I sat on it, that's how cold it was. I shivered and looked along the lane that was mainly used for people who walked their dogs. It was an abandoned railway track made into a road/nature walk track. I felt sorry for the people who would walk it tomorrow morning.
A few tears dropped down onto the boxes in my lap as the thoughts and memories that had led me to this made their way to the front of my mind again. I put my hands to my ears and violently sobbed, holding myself tight as if that would protect me from my own mind.
"Go away!" I whispered, my words being lost to the wind. I yelled it the second time, sobbing violently afterwards as my words once again faded out for noone to hear.
I opened the bottle shakily, my hands fumbling with the lid as I hysterically sobbed. My face was blotchy and red, I could tell from the heat it was radiating. A huge mouthful made its way down my gullet and I choked, coughing and spluttering out in front of me at the strong taste. I took another gulp.
I sat, sagging for a while before I drank my next gulp. I was a complete failure. A waste of space. I was doing nothing with my life and it was going nowhere. What was the point? This propelled me to drink more and more, and soon enough I'd forgotten about the pills and just focussed on finishing this imposing bottle of Vodka.
That'd kill me soon enough anyway.