Anarchy Is Our Only Hope

I inhaled from the cigarette that lay between my lips.

"I don't give a fuck, in all honesty."

I said as I sat on my porch, my legs strewn across the wooden railing.

Stevie laughed and exhaled from her own cigarette.

"Nelly, you don't give a fuck really?"

"Is that such a shock?"

"You're bullshiting."

I shook my head in laughter.

"I'm really not."

"You mean to tell me that you don't give a shit about Tig jerking off to you and I?"

She fought back laughter at the very words.

"Tig is disgusting! I'm not surprised, he would get off to a rock if it had a set tits."

Laughter filled the smoke covered air.

"So, no I don't care."

I took another blow, exhale, repeat.

Stevie came down to Sonoma just to tell me what she overheard.

Though she found it amusing, she also found a disturbance in it.

"You have known him longer than me, you should be used to it!"

"It's why it disturbs me!"

She continued.

"If Jax or Ope heard him, oh god, that would be ugly."

"It's not worth the beef."

"You don't understand, Nel."

"What don't I understand?"

I crossed my arms over my chest.

If I had a penny for everytime she told me I didn't understand.. Well, I'd be half way to Aruba by now!

"You're not just Nelly, One time Clay kicked.. Never mind, point is you're not just a hot piece everyone gets to ogle and taste."

I butt in.

"You think I'm hot?" 

"Shut up, bitch."

She rolled her eyes and exhaled.

"Point is, it's like a disrespect to want to fuck someone's old lady."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who said anything about old lady?"

I pulled my hand up in protest.

"Okay, whatever Nel. Jax's girl isn't a piece of meat for the dogs to slobber on. " 

She said, with a face so serious you would think she's scolding a kid.

I still, so unphased that all I could force was a shrug.

"Whatever Tig does in privacy is his business, now if he tries to reenact his little fantasies.. We'll have a problem."

I continued.

"Listen, right now the only person I want in between the spread is Jax."

Stevie burst into laughs.

"You haven't had sex with him?"

She raised in inquisitive brow as she spoke.

I shook my head no.

"Damn, nearly four months and you haven't had him bone you?!" 

"Would you shut up! My ma's upstairs!"

"She can't hear us."

"We don't know that for sure."

"God, you guys are together like every day and he hasn't jumped you like a rabbit?"

She looked at me like a wounded animal.

She believed Jax was the bullet that would put me out of my misery. 

"No, before I had a reason not too. I wasn't gonna do it with some stranger right? Then, I was playing hard to get. Then, my leg got fucked up soo.."

I slouched further into my chair as I spoke.

"You know it doesn't have to be penis in vagina?"

"I'm not fucking twelve, Stevie. I know there is plenty different ways, but I don't want to do it before we are ready, just for the sake of wanting to."

I flicked the ash of my ciggarete.

"But god damn, he makes it so hard when he doesn't have clothes on!"

I leaned my head back, I thought of the time last week when I accidentally walked in on him in the shower.

I shook the mental picture away. 

"You're a much stronger girl than me, Opie boned me on our second date."

"You slut!"

Our laughter ensued.

Jax pulled into the driveway mid afternoon.

"Hey girls, Stevie what are you doing down here?"

He made his way up to the porch, planted a kiss on my lips and a kiss on Stevie's cheek.

"Just came down to see this bum bitch."

"You saw her yesterday." Jax pointed out.

"This face is too lovely to not want to see daily."

Stevie slapped my cheek and continued.

"But, I'm leaving now! She's all yours."

She began descending down the steps.

"Have fun in physical therapy, Nel."

She emphasized on the word 'physical' and shot a wink.

"What was all that about?" 

Jax asked as he helped me down the very same steps.

"Nothing, Stevie being Stevie."

I shrugged but I knew exactly what she meant. 

Later in physical therapy, I would be stretched and pulled in every direction.

"Ah fuck, Joey." 

I winced in pain, as the tall bulky physical therapist stretched my leg over my torso.  

"You wanna get betta' for your graduation, right?"

His thick New York accent flooded my ear drums.

I took a deep breath and sighed heavily.

"Yes, Joey.."

"Alright then! Let's try this one mor' time!"

Twenty more minutes of this torture and it was on to the next task.

"Go on over to the bars, try and walk for at least thirty minutes."

Joey waved his sausage fingers in command.

"I'm gonna see if I can get your file, check on your progress. You'll be fine on your own?"

"Yeah, Joey. There is a mat under me, and my boyfriend is here. If I fall, it's not like I'll break my hip."

He nodded and left. 

Jax leaned against the cold metal bars.

"You're doing great, Nel."

"Let me get across this bar a few times, and then we'll talk."

I tightened my grip against the metal.

"One leg in front of the other."

A statement I kept mentally repeating.

"Go on, Nel."

Jax placed a hand on my back.

Time felt frozen, I only moved three inches.

Where my mind had gone... I don't really know.

I wasn't scared to walk without the crutches, hello it was only a fucking fracture.

Maybe I was scared of letting them go?

Tim's weeks old words played back in my head.

"Make sure you thank god tonight that you're on crutches, Nelly."

He had probably long forgotten this seemingly idle threat.

But what if it wasn't so idle?

The next time he flew into a fit of rage, I could protect myself sure, but for how long before he finished me off?

A light tap against my temple broke my thought.

"Hello, earth to Nelly?"

I shook off my fear with a laugh.

"Yeah, sorry I spaced out."

"You gotta come back down, focus on this bar." Jax said with a reassuring touch.

I turned to face him, a sly grin spread across my face.

"Why, so we can get it on?"

"Absolutely, how did you know?"

Each word dripped of sarcasm.

I started walking back and forth on the metal beam.

"That's too bad, Jax.."

He watched me as if he was watching a pendulum swing.

"Because that's the only reason I'm here."

"You're full of shit."

He said with a slick smile.

I stopped for a tiny break.

"Ha, only slightly. I'm doing this for my graduation too."

"Is it possible to like you more on your horny pills?"

"It could be, except I'm not on them."

"Really?"

"Really."

I leaned into the bar, the metal cool against my skin.

From afar, it wouldn't look like Jax's hand was caressing my exposed thigh.

"Don't tease me, Jax." 

I said lowly as I tucked his hair back behind his ear. 

"Oh, I don't think I'll be able to stop if we start."

The back of his fingers trailed along my skin. 

"Okay Nel, back to work!"

Joey exclaimed and clapped his big hands together.

I tossed my head back, grin on my face with frustration in my body.

Jax cleared his throat. 

"I'm gonna get some coffee." he said nonchalantly. 

I returned back to my grueling therapy.

Sometimes I'd glance in his direction, just watching him be.

He had a stirring spoon hanging from his lips; he poured sugar into his third cup.

It was easy to watch him. 

He would glid across the room with a swagger.. No, more like a confidence if you will; if he crossed in front of you it would be impossible to look away.

I also couldn't help but listen to the words floating around me.

"He's gorgeous.",  "Oh my god he's not her brother?", "Fuck, I wish he was her brother.", "Lucky bitch."

All whispers I heard amongst the many broken women.

"Even paraplegic, Lucy Harmon is still a horny bitch."

I muttered under my breath.

"I heard that."

Joey stifled a laugh.

"It's true."

I shrugged.

"So very un-Catholic."

"Catholicism left this heat a long tine ago, sweetie."

Thirty minutes later I was done for the day. 

"If you bump it up to three times a week, these crutches will be gone at least a week before your graduation."

Joey patted my back reassuringly.

"Alright, I will definitely be here."

"Give yourself a little walking challenge every day. You're recoverin' beautifully!"

Joey told me as I began walking out the door.

I waved back to him as the doors closed behind me.

"Wanna try walking to the truck?" Jax suggested.

"I should, right?"

"I'll be right here,  you ain't gonna fall."

"Okay, let's do it."

He placed his hand on my hip and we walked together.

He carried the crutches on his other side.

I felt pressure on my fracture, my leg began feeling weaker.

The car wasn't that far, I could make it..

Before I knew it, my leg gave in.

Jax held me up, and leaned me into his side.

"Thanks.." I murmured. 

"I told ya, I got you babe."

"Okay, Sonny Bono."

He laughed.

"That's hippie bullshit."

"Fuck you, that's a great song."

He handed over the crutches. 

"You'll be better in no time, Cher."

He kissed my forehead, we walked the rest of the way. 

"How was the therapy, baby?"

Gemma asked as I sat down at her kitchen table.

Jax dropped me off at Gemma's, he had errands to run. 

I didn't mind, Gemma and I were pretty close.

Seeing as her and Stevie are the only two Charming residents that knew my secret, I felt comfortable enough to bare my soul with them.

Or just to simply shoot the shit.

"It was fine, my therapist said I should be getting rid of these in a week."

"That's great, Hun."

She placed a plate of soup in front of me.

"Smells great, Gem."

I hesitated on the very words.

I paused to stare at it for a few moments.

"What is it?"

"Some old Russian shit, just try it."

I took a spoonful of the yellowish-green liquid.

"Would you hurry up and shove the spoon in your damn mouth!"

"Alright, alright!"

The soup made it's way down my throat.

"Oh, it's actually not that bad."

I took another spoonful.

"It's made of bull balls."

I spit it out faster before the double L's left her tongue.

Gemma started cackling in the corner.

"I'm just kidding, darlin'."

"Thank fucking god, I didn't want bull balls in my mouth."

"You shouldn't have anyone's balls in your mouth.. Well.."

"No, Gemma! We are not talking about that."

She pulled out a chair to the left of me.

"Oh, come on! You're like the daughter I've never had."

"That's sweet, but mothers and daughters don't talk about who's dick is in their mouths."

"Damn, okay. What do typical mothers and daughters talk about then?"

I explained that relationship to Gemma as time flew, the guys were unseen and unheard from for hours

"Thank god for my boys, having a girl is way too much work."

I nodded in agreement.

"Well good I have you." Gemma stated, "All the tough shits already been dealt with."

"Aren't you lucky?" I laughed.

The hours kept ticking, still no word from the guys.

"It's normal, doesn't lessen your worry but get used to it."

Her and I ended up watching movies on the couch.

I fell asleep somewhere along the third one. 

After what felt like only five minutes, a hand shook me awake.

"Wake up darlin'!"

I didn't need to open my eyes to know who it was.

"Shhh, can't you see I'm sleeping Chibs."

"Jax called, tol' me to take ya home."

He continued to shake me.

"Stop, you're gonna give me shaken teenage syndrome."

Chibs laughed a hardy laugh.

"Come now, Nel."

"Where is Jax?"

I sat up on the couch, and rubbed the sleep from my eyes.

"He is runnin' errands, you know tha'."

My eyes searched for the nearest clock.

"At three thirty in the morning?"

"Aye, no one tells you what time to run your errands." 

"Is he getting milk directly from the cow?" 

I asked sarcastically. 

"Yeah, tha' cow is pretty far away."

I rolled my eyes at Chibs statement.

"I'd rather stay here, Chibs."

"But Jax's said to take you home."

"If I come home at three in the morning, my ass is getting handed to me."

Chibs face was mostly hidden in shadows, the room it's self barely lit from the tv's light, but still I saw his features soften. 

"Alrigh' you explain it to Jax."

He plopped down on the couch.

"You're a softie, Chibs."

"Aye, Tha's not true."

"Aye, it is."

I imitated his Scottish accent.

"You makin' fun of me?"

"They say imitation is the biggest form of flattery."

I said with a shrug of my shoulders.

"Typical teenager." he rolled his eyes, focusing his gaze on the television. 

"Chibs..?"

He turned his eyes back on me.

"Wha?"

I had a question, it had been dancing in the back of my mind. The time was never right, I felt like I was intruding if I did ask, but I had to know.

"Don't you have a family?"

"Why do you ask tha' darlin'?"

"Curiosity?"

"I do, I have a wife Fiona, and a daughter..."

He cleared his throat before continuing on.

"Her name is Kerrianne, she's about ten now."

"Why aren't you with them?"

He went on to tell me how he lost his family, a ruthless man he'd known in Belfast scarred his face and took everything he loved away.

"I don't hear from them, but they are my girls, I love them regardless of tha' bastard Jimmy."

I leaned over and embraced him in a hug. 

"You would have been a great dad to Kerrianne, Chibs."

Chibs and I talked a few more hours, he eventually tossed his head back and fell asleep on the couch.

I was still bright eyed and bushy tailed when Jax walked through the door. 

"What are you doing here?" 

He placed something black on the counter as he spoke. 

"Shh, they are sleeping."

I gestured to Chibs and Gemma, which had each respectively claimed their section of sofa.

I silently walked over to Jax.

I wrapped my hands around his back.

"What's the problem?"

"Nothing, just should have taken you home earlier."

I pulled away, I noticed my shirt became stained with red.

"What the fuck is this?!"

The two people on the couch stirred.

I pulled up his sweatshirt, looking for a source, an answer, anything at all! 

"Nelly, it's not mine."

He placed his hands around mine.

I looked over at the counter, the black thing was in fact a gun.

"What is this, Jax?"

My heart was caught in my throat, I knew the answer, but was I ready for it?

"Chibs!" Jax shouted.

"Wha? Wha?!" 

He pulled his gun out from inside his vest.

"Didn't I tell you to take Nelly home?"

He blinked, looked at his surroundings and quickly put the gun away.

"She fought me, all tha' way! She even scarred my face."

Though upset, Chibs managed to make me laugh.

Jax on the other hand, he didn't seem to find it too funny.

Jax pinched his fingers against the bridge of his nose, and in frustration he released a massive sigh.

"Let's go, Nel."

"Where?"

"Just come with me.."

We walked along the streets until we reached Teller - Morrow.

He pulled down a ladder that led up to the roof.

He held his hand on my back and hoisted me up.

I sat on a stoop as he made his way onto the roof.

"I come up here every once and while.. Clears my head."

Jax spoke and sat on the edge of the roof, his back to the rising sun.

I watched as it came over the building.

Jax began sentences more times than I cared to count.

"Just spit it out." I said.

I turned my face away from his.

"I... We... The club.. People have died because of it."

"Go on."

"We have a lot more enemies than we do allies, sometimes enemies want to whip their dicks out and piss on our club." 

He looked over his shoulder, the sun smoldered into his eyes.

"One thing Sam Crow has always tried to do is keep Charming safe from the drugs and violence... Sometimes protecting something means having to get dirty."

"It's not playing out in the playground and roughing someone up, Jax..."

"I know, Nel."

"Has anyone in the club gotten caught in the crossfire?"

He looked down at his hands.

I had my answer.

"How will I know that you're safe, Jax?"

My eyes forced to squint in the radiance of the sun.

His gaze shifted, his eyes found mine.

"You worried 'bout me?"

The corner of his lip turned upward slightly.

"Are you dim? Of course I am."

He and I just watched one other's faces, looking for any tell of the others true sentiments.

"Listen, Nel.. It's bloody.. The whole history of the club ain't clean, illegal work comes with risks.. But I would never let that blow back on you, I should have told you exactly what I am, and the baggage I come carrying the moment I met you. I can't go back now and change it, all I can offer is a clean slate."

I inhaled deeply before I spoke.

"No more lies, Jax."

"Not a single one, total honesty from here."

There would be just one, one secret I have to keep to myself. 

In my heart, I felt guilt for keeping it.

Hell, I felt terrible for my contradictions.

But in my mind, I knew it was the right thing to do.

He grabbed my right hand in his left.

"I can take care of myself, I can take care of you."

He placed his other hand upon my cheek, and stoked his thumb across it. 

"I don't need you to protect me, you apparently have bigger fish to fry."

I released a breathy laugh.

"I'm gonna take care of ya, whether you like it or not."

He smiled kindly.

"Protect yourself, you're the one covered in blood. Just make sure it's never your own, okay?"

"Nel, why aren't you running for the hills?"

He leaned his forehead against mine.

"I was never one to run, Jax. I'm gonna stick around."

I looked into his blue eyes and leaned in to connect to his familiar lips.

Even with all that laid on the table, the good, the bad, and the in between..

Jax was starting to feel like my home..