Anarchy Is Our Only Hope

I flipped the letter over. I needed more, I was flushed with an overwhelming need to comprehend what the fuck I just read.

I was only left with a blank page, and more questions than answers; answers that I couldn't get from my mother.

"Fucking Christ." I pressed my head into the hard wood desk.

"I'll give you a moment." Mr.  Fierstien excused himself.

I forgot he was even in the room.
My head was swirling with information, and images, and just a general fucking torment.

A light knock came from the corner of the desk.

I looked up to face my father. "When did you know?" I spoke through gritted teeth.

"What are you talking about , lovey?" Chibs asked dumbfounded.

"When did you know that I was your fucking kid?!" I slammed the letter into his chest.

"Oh, Nelly..." He said as he scanned it over.

"When?!" My shouting echoed into the lobby.

"Your graduation... When i saw Millie, I knew."

"You've known for nearly three weeks... and... You didn't tell me!"

I slammed my closed fists into his chest, he only shifted slightly. "Nelly, let me explain."

"Why? You didn't try to explain these last three weeks, and you didn't explain after my mom died?" Then it dawned on me. "Oh my god, that's how you knew to pick the purple urn. I thought it was just a coincidence! No, you fucking loved her!"

I pounded into his chest. "You lied to me! I thought we were friends!"

He wrapped his arms around my back. "I'm sorry!"

I began pushing myself away, but this only caused him to tighten his embrace. "No, stop, let me go!"

My voice cracked, and tears began to well. "You were my friend, Chibs."

"Let's go, i'll explain on the way back home."

I walked in silence back to the truck.

"When I first met you Nelly.." Chibs started. "I saw the face of my ma. But I said to myself tha' was crazy. So, I shook it off."

He cleared his throat. "You kept coming around the clubhouse, and I'm not gonna say tha' the thought didn't cross my mind."

He shrugged. "But.. What would the odds of tha' happening be?"

"What if Millie got pregnant? What if this was my child? No, Millie would have written me if she did, right?"

He paused again. He watched the road travel underneath the truck's wheels.

"Then the day of your graduation came, I saw Millie. My heart stopped, I hadn't seen her since I was seventeen years old. She was the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen, and she still was.
At breakfast, when she went to the bathroom, you remember?"

I nodded.

"I followed her back there, and she told me you were my daughter. I was so, so, happy. I'd already grown to know you, hell I'd just attended your graduation! I wanted to tell you.. but she pleaded for me not to say a word, so... I didn't. "

"I was furious when I saw what he did to you. I wanted to go out back and finish him myself, but I couldn't let anyone know. I stayed by your side and comforted you the best that I could. My child suffered for years, and years. All because of Mille and I losing touch. I felt guilt, I didn't try hard enough when Mille left..."

He tried to conceal the pain in his voice. "I was angry when she left; I wanted her to stay with me in Belfast. I desired a long, full life with her; and she left anyway."

He stifled a laugh. "tha's why she was so shocked when I said I'd only been in the British Army for five months."

"Oh my fucking god." I slammed my head back against the seat. "How could I not see these things?!"

"You wouldn't have understood because you didn't know the story. Looking back, I was a selfish lad. I only thought of myself, and tha's why I only ever spoke to her once after she left. But she never mentioned a child, if she had I would have packed my bags and left Belfast."

"Really?" I asked.

"In a heartbeat, lovey." He locked hands with me. "If I'd known, I'd have been the father tha' I should've been."

He lifted his glasses upwards into his hair. "I always wanted to be a Da' and raise my kid. Two kids, two missed chances. You're already grown, I can't raise you because you've already been raised to be exactly as you are, a good kid."

He released a deep breath. "I can't go back, and I can't change things. All I can do is be here for you now. Will you let me, Nelly?"

I wiped the tear that fell. "Yes, you can do that." I cracked a soft smile.

He pulled me into his side, and kissed my forehead. "Thank you, darlin'."

I returned to my spot leaning against the car door. "Oh my god, that means... Oh god, you already knew you were my dad when you knocked on the bathroom door the other day?"

I slumped into my chair. "Oh my god."

Chibs released an uproarious laugh. "Oh, yeah! I did."

"That's so embarrassing!" I buried my face in my hands, as Chibs continued to laugh.

Later at the clubhouse, Chibs gave me the letter my mom sent him.