Anarchy Is Our Only Hope

"What do you mean you're not just a motorcycle club?"

I paced around Jax's room inside "Teller- Morrow Automotive Repair."

"I mean, it's not all about riding bikes.."

He paused.

"What the fuck else would you be doing?"

"Just listen alright."

He gestured to a chair that sat across from his bed.

"I can't give you too many details, but there is some shit we do on the side to earn some cash. It's not totally legal, but we do what we have too."

I sat there in shock.

"You gonna say anything?"

He reached simply for the tips of my fingers, I pulled them back to myself.

"Nel."

His soft blue eyes bounced back and forth.

"I meant to tell you sooner."

"Oh yes, maybe you should have mentioned that earlier. Oh how about, I don't know. When you first met me.".

"Nel, you have to understand --."

I cut him off mid sentence and jumped out of my seat.

"I don't have to understand shit, Jax."

"Let me explain."

"Explain what, the exact illegal shit that you do?"

"No, listen to me!"

"Why would I? Fuck, you didn't say a fucking word about your illegal activity for three months. Why bother now?"

"Sit."

"No."

"Please."

"Ugh, fine! Only because you asked politely."

I sat back down, crossing my arms over my chest.

I refused to look at Jax.

"I'm gonna give you as much information that a friend should know."

"Oh, cool so we are friends?"

I stated sarcastically.

"One argument at a time, Nel."

He continued.

"We run and sell some shit from Ireland, it's not something that came about recently. The club has been doing it for years."

"Why?"

"It's how we make our living."

"What about this repair joint?"

"It's part of our income but it wouldn't cover the way we like to live."

"So it's greed.."

"No, it keeps our families a float."

"You say tomato I say tomato."

He leaned his head down into his palms.

"This ain't something you're gonna understand."

"You're wrong, I understand exactly why."

"It ain't greed, If it was fucking greed don't you think by now at least some of us would be living like Elliot Oswald?"

I had no answer, I was torn between anger and truth.

"You're still doing shit that puts everyone around you in danger, that's not something I want for myself."

He looked up at me, something I could not read lay in his facial expression.

He sighed, and a knock came upon the door.

"Aye, Jax it's time for us to head out."

Chibs crossed into the room.

"Nelly! Long time no see!"

He flashed a wink and embraced me in a hug.

"Aye, did I interrupt something?"

He said as he noticed the look on Jax's face.

"No. It's fine."

I said.

"Nel, just wait for me here. I'll take you home when I get back."

"I can take the bus."

"Ain't no bus gon' take you to Sonoma, darlin'."

"Well than I guess I have no choice but to wait."

Jax walked over to me, as if he was going to do something.
He then just turned around and walked out the door.

I waited by myself in the bedroom for fifteen minutes.

Once the guys were gone, I decided to look around  the place.

I walked around the clubhouse, studying the pictures on the wall, admiring the bike that sat on display.

I walked by an empty bar.

"Man I could go for something to drink."

I spoke to the wind.

I turned and there plastered on the wall were mugshots of all the members.

Jax and an older man's were on the top of the bunch.

They happily displayed the fact that they were outlaws.

Ha, normalcy. What on earth was I thinking?

It was all too sweet and all too fabricated to be true.
My never ending search for normality would always lead to disappointment.

As I continued looking at the photos, I heard a voice come from behind me.

"Jax ain't a bad guy."

She had black hair and blonde streaks, she had a scar lined up on her chest.

"I heard you kids arguing in the back, and I'm just telling you to get your head out of your ass."

"Excuse me?"

I looked at this woman appalled, who the fuck does she think she is.

"You heard me, get your head out of your ass. That kid,"

She pointed at the picture of Jax.

"That kid, he doesn't just go around bringing random bitches to the clubhouse. If you're here you mean something to him."

"Excuse me but who are you?"

"I'm Gemma."

"Jax's mom."

"You're damn right."

"So what Gemma, I'm supposed to sit back and let Jax lie to me about something this serious?"

I gestured around the clubhouse.

"He came clean, he told you."

"At his convenience.."

"He's a man, men are always gonna do things at their convenience."

"Why should I want that for myself?"

"Because he is special, and you know it."

"Not worth risking my life."

"Stop with all this my life's in danger bullshit."

She motioned to a table and beckoned me to sit.

"Listen here babe, your life is always gonna be in danger. Be it here with Samcro, or outside crossing a fucking street."

She pointed at her chest scar.

"See this here, I'm in a living danger. Not because of this life, but genetics sweetie."

She continued.

"I see written all over your little bruised up face, you want to have a different life from the one you have now. You want something normal, newsflash baby. It ain't gonna happen."

"That's not true."

"Your daddy beats you right? So you think if you get involved with us outlaws the same is gonna happen. "

She wasn't totally wrong, I didn't think Jax would hit me but what if one day...

I shook off the thought.

"You want to be with him Nelly, it's obvious. He wants to be with you. He's made that crystal clear, he wouldn't ride down to Sonoma every day if he didn't."

"But.."

"But what? I normally wouldn't be here trying to convince any broad to be with my kid. The crow eaters flock at his feet but I see something better in you."

"What's a crow eater?"

"It's basically a groupie slut. Beside the point, you remind me a lot of myself when I was younger. That's why I'm sitting here instead of outside smoking a joint."

"Oh..."

"You gotta be smart, kid. You can be some regular crow eating bitch or you can be greater than that."

Gemma ran her hand soothingly across my hair.

"Take care babe, think about what I said."

With that she rose off the chair and began making her way outside.

"Wait, Gemma.. Don't tell Jax about this."

I motioned toward my bruise.

"Don't worry babe, I'm the queen of secrets."

With that she was gone.

Hours passed as I continued to pace around, maybe an answer on what to do would smack me in the face.

Stevie had left, Gemma was outside smoking a joint.

I had no one but myself.

Jax's came back from whatever "run" he was on.
Blood spilled from his eyebrow, a cut visibly on display.

"Oh god, Jax!"

I don't know what came over me, I ran over to him napkins in hand.

I began patting his forehead before I even realized what I was doing.

"Here."

I shoved the napkins in his hands and walked outside.

Fuck me, what on earth was I thinking.

I need to hold on to my anger, Jax was wrong for not telling me.

I should have had a choice before...

Well, before I started to like him.

I regretted the thought as it left my bank of feeling.

Why do feelings always get the best of us?
Fuck I need to start using my damn head.

I just let them completely control me, I see a little bit of blood freak out and totally go nuts.
Why did I feel compelled to take care of him.. He can do it himself.

Jax strolled outside, a band aid covered his eyebrow.

"Chibs patched me up."

"Just take me home."

I walked away from him, I didn't want to be anywhere near Jax but I didn't really have a choice.

"We can ride the tow truck if you want?"

I didn't answer, just opened the passenger door and waited for him to join.

Much unlike before, our silence was awkward.

It was tense and uncomfortable.

"Nelly."

Jax started to speak.

"Don't bother."

"No, Nel. I'm gonna bother and you're gonna listen."

"I'm not a fucking crow eater, I'm not a fucking old lady. I am just Nelly, your friend."

Air quotes were used somewhere along the word "friend.".

"Nelly, that's not what I meant."

"At this point I really don't care."

Lie.

He suddenly pulled the car over to the side of the road.

"Get out."

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Get out, we aren't going anywhere until we fix this."

"What is there to fix Jax?"

"I'm not saying another word until you get out of the car."

I sat facing the direction of the road, hands crossed over my chest.

"I can wait here all night, Nelly."

"I thought you weren't saying another word?"

He laughed, I didn't really mean to crack a joke.

Especially at a point in time where I was fuming mad.

"Why are you laughing?"

"What do you care, you're mad at me aren't ya?"

"Hmph."

He chuckled.

"What?!"
I snapped.

"Nothing... You know you're just kind of sexy when you're all riled up like that."

He paused.

"I can only imagine how sexy it would be when you're.. Well you know."

"Obviously I don't."

"Well when you're getting it on."

I blushed a scarlet shade of red.

"You're a pig."

"You like it."

"Fuck you."

"I'd like you too."

Every nerve ending in my body fought back a grin.

"Come outside, sit here with me and let me explain."

"Fine,  ugh you're like a thorn in my side."

I sat in the red dirt that covered the side of the road.

"Okay, explain."

"I don't think of you as a friend, I don't think of you as a crow eater either."

He continued.

"This ain't easy for me to say, but I like you Nel. "

I stayed silent, I would give him his full chance to explain.

"I like you more than I thought I would have. Three months ago, yeah I'm not gonna lie. I wanted to see if maybe we could hook up."

My eyes widened like saucers.

"But."
He emphasized.

"I realized that you weren't like that. Hell it would have taken a blimp, a semi truck and me standing stark naked for you to have even seen me day one."

I giggled at the thought of all that.

"You weren't just gonna toss your cat at me because I rode a motorcycle. You challenged me, you were unaware but you did. That's what made me want to keep coming back, I wanted no.. I felt like I needed to see you."

"Cause that doesn't sound like a stalker."

He laughed once more.

"No, I just felt like there was something different about you. It's something genuine, that's why I go back every day, Nelly."

"I would normally think that's very sweet, but Jax you did also lie to me."

"It was only a slight, teeny tiny lie."

"A lie is a lie, fuck if you're trying to sweeten me up you gotta tell me the truth."

"You sound like Gemma."

"She's a smart lady."

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want to scare you away before I even got the chance to know you."

"You still should have given me the choice, you know if what you're doing is illegal.. That doesn't only put the guys in danger, but everyone around them."

He looked down.

"It's something we do, it's a foundation of the club. That's not to say it's not a burden we don't carry."

He scratched his head.

"But we do our best to take care of our own. You were there Nel, you saw how close we are. We are a family."

I had seen only a glimpse of it, it wasn't something I denied.
Could they really keep one another safe though?

There is a world of things out of our control.

Why did they think they could avoid it anymore than I thought I could avoid Tim's backhand.

"I don't want you to get involved in what we do, the less you know the better... But I just don't want you out of my life either."

"You're a happy distraction."

He said with a cheesy grin.

I could not fight the grin that creased into my face.

I to felt the same, I didn't want to be out of his life..
But I also had a lot of my own problems, did I need the added stress of Jax's life?

"I have to really think about it, Jax."

"I can understand that."

"I just..."

I sighed.

"I like you too Jax, and that worries me. I don't want to put possibly my life in danger because of it."

He nodded.

In my mind I really just thought of my mother and Tim.
Though two entirely different situations, in either lives are in danger.

"Just give me time okay?"

"Take as long as you need."

He rose from the dirt and helped me out.

"So you like me after all?"

"Oh shut up."

I smiled as he draped his arm around my shoulder.

We walked back to the tow truck.

"You know probably wouldn't be much to see if you were stark naked anyway."

He exploded into laughter.

"Nelly, Nelly. You would be surprised."

"Doubt it."

"You'll see."

"Don't want too."

"You do now, it's all you're thinking about in this very moment."

"Ha! You wish!"

He grabbed his junk and gave it a little shake.

"You ain't gonna wanna stop."

He winked and opened the car door.

My face literally felt like it was on fire.

"Pig."
I grinned.

He came into the car, wide smile spread on his face like butter.

"You're gonna be like.. Ooo Jax, god you're dick is huge. I can't."

He tried his best to do a soft girly tone, but with his immense rasp he just sounded like a drag queen.

I scooted over the seat, pushed my body up against his right side.

"You mean I'll be like this.."

My lips just barely an inch away from his earlobe, I carried my tone lighter than air.

"Ooo Jax, your dick is just so huge.. I can't.."

I felt his body tense, and he cleared his throat.

"Yeah, I don't doubt it."

I stayed close to his ear.

"Oh yeah, for sure. I mean you would know your dick better than I would right."

He looked out the road, confusion crossed his face.

I pulled away from him and let the words simmer in his head.

"Hey what do you mean?!"

"A lot of lonely nights in that room, huh Jax?"

I laughed and did an obscene hand gesture.

We played in this fine lineage of sexual banter the rest of the ride home.

We finally arrived at a quarter to two in the morning.

He put the car in park and turned to face me.

"So what do you say, Nel? Will you give me another chance?"