Trigger, trigger.

The first and final.

You are trembling. You can feel your heart beat heavily in your chest, your breathing ragged and quick. Tears are streaming down your face, broken sobs spilling out of your mouth out into the open silence. You are sitting on the cold tiled floor, resting against the wall. Your body aches, your cuts worse, your scars ache with pain that once was. You know that you have hit rock bottom. You force yourself to take in deep breaths in effort to calm yourself down. Your nails are digging into your arms, your body folded tight, while you focus on your breathing.

The bottle is sitting on top of the counter. Your eyes close, the tears spill over as you rest your head against the wall behind you. Your breathing is getting steadier, your heart still pumping heavily in your chest. You open your eyes and gulp. You gingerly lift yourself up off the ground to stand in front of the mirror. You are a mess. Your hair is in disarray, your cheeks are tear-stained, but all you can focus on is the empty feeling in your eyes. You stare into the mirror, trying to remember every happy memory you have ever experienced, what it feels like to laugh, to be enveloped in a hug, their arms wrapped around you, holding you securely.

You wrap your own arms around yourself again, trying to imitate the feeling you once knew so well, but it is gone. Everything is gone. You have calmed down slightly, enough that your breathing is normal and you are no longer shaking. You pick up the bottle and dump it onto your hand. Some pills fall on the floor, but it does not matter anyway. You throw your hand up to your mouth, feeling the chalky forms on your tongue, forcing yourself to swallow. You walk over to the bathtub and sit on the edge, turning both taps on.

You sit and stare at the running water for a few seconds before slowly getting into the tub, lying down, your head almost touching the bottom. You close your eyes. You feel oddly calm as the water slowly rises around you, you feel yourself begin to drift off. Your serenity lingers knowing that you will no longer feel pain, or hurt or anger. You have gone under, barely conscious when the tub rises over your head and spills over the edge and then you feel nothing.