Facing the Obstacles

Everyone seemed to be yelling at me. The voices hurt my head, and I closed my eyes so it would stop. The pain was too much, this was not real; I was not alive right now. I couldn’t be… Because if I was, Heidi was dead. But Heidi is not dead. She’s my sister, my best friend, the one who makes everything better!
Zach sat down next to me and whispered in a terrified voice, “What happened, Tom? What did they say?”
The tears came faster now and I hid my face from him. Zach… if he knew…
I stood up, retrieved my car keys and left the house. I wasn’t at all surprised when I heard them come out and yell at me to come back. The yells grew and grew and my head spun. My hand shakily started the car. I drove and of course, they got in Zach’s car and followed me. The world was tumbling around me and I pounded the car horn in anger and sped away from a car filled with confused and annoyed people. I yelled at nothing. Yelling things I don’t even remember; but I yelled them because I hated the world. The world held no value to me at all; everything in it is messed up. No one is in their right mind and no one knows what they’re trying to accomplish and no one cares about anyone but themselves.
But someone did. My sister; the most selfless person I’ve ever known, did care. But some idiot decided to get drunk tonight and killed the best person in the world.
I reached the building and got out of the car. So did the others, now very concerned and scared. Why was I even here? I wasn’t quite sure myself. I opened the door and walked down the hall. It was way too quiet in here, it wasn’t normal! Phones rang and people smiled and I questioned their sanity. What is wrong with these people, who are they trying to kid?! That the world’s alright and they can actually stand there smiling?! I saw two familiar, upset faces. I stopped outside another door. The guys; who had been following me, stopped too. I took my baseball hat off and raked my hand through my hair, pulling my other hand away from the handle. I shook my head.
“I can’t do it.” My voice cut through the silence like a knife.
“What can’t you do? What is going on? Why are we in a hospital? Why is everyone crying?” Zach asked weakly, tearing up with every word. His voice choked out, “Who is in there?”
I looked at him tearfully and his eyes met mine, as I whispered, “I think you already know.”
I have never seen Zach Porter cry. Nor have I seen Cameron, Michael or Nathan. But as realization dawned on all of them, that’s exactly what they did. Zach walked past me, took a deep breath and walked into the room. I followed… I needed to be certain…
There she was, lying on the bed with her eyes closed. There was a little dried blood on her face, from underneath her hairline. Not much, but just enough to make me hurt. She was still and I stood at the foot of her bed, disbelieving. The others gathered around; Zach by her head, and I stared at her body for a long time, hoping for some sign of movement. When none came, I buried my head in my hands and somehow even more tears came out. Nathan was sitting on the floor, head down and knees bent up; Cameron’s eyes were red and puffy, as he sniffled and stared at the floor; Michael had taken his shades off and to my dismay, there was no glow in his face, no source of cheer and he didn’t quite look the same. I slowly glanced over at Zach. He was knelt by her head, tears fast and thick; as he stared at her face with the look of one yearning for water while in the desert for fifty years. He lowered his head and kissed her still lips, while his bangs swept across her face and would normally have made her giggle. The sight was too much for me and I left the room.
I walked out of the building and sat down. I’ve had better days… Who am I kidding; this is probably the worst day ever.
I sighed. My eyes were finally dry and were tired from crying, but if I went back in the hospital, I would probably start crying again. I looked up at the sky and laid my head against the building wall. My life has been about getting over all of these problems and again and again I’ve had to build up my courage and get through it. It was just never meant to get better for me, I suppose.
Is that really what life is about? Facing the obstacles? It sure is a rough way to live… If Heidi was here she’d tell me I was tough enough to get through it. She’d tell me that God doesn’t put us through more than we can handle. I miss her so much already… She was always such an inspiration to me. The way she could stay so calm no matter what, how she was slow to get angry, how compassionate and wise she was… The way she understood life. I think that’s my favorite thing about her; she knew her place on the earth, she knew what her purpose was. As for me, I’m completely clueless to all of that.
Someone sat down next to me and kissed my cheek. Looking over, I saw that it was Clarabelle. I smiled at her and kissed her. She was just what I needed right now and as long as she was around, it was alright. Upon thinking this, I became upset again. I’m sure Zach had felt this way too, but now Heidi was gone…
I went into another relapse of pain. How long was I going to be okay and then worse again? Was this cycle going to last forever? Then a scary thought crossed my mind; was I ever going to be okay? Clarabelle sat with me for a while and then she went in to see the guys. As she left, my dad came out and sat down. I shifted slightly away from him; he was the last person I wanted to talk to right now.
“Tom, I can’t even explain to you how devastating this is! We all loved Heidi so much...” he said, as my blood boiled. “…And if you ever want to talk about it, I understand how you--,” he continued and finally I snapped.
I stood up. “SHUT UP!” I glared at him, as he looked up at me in surprise. “You saw her how many times in her lifetime?! About twice! You DON’T KNOW what I’ve been through, you DO NOT understand and you WILL NEVER love her! ESPECIALLY NOT AS MUCH AS I DO!” He stood up and tried to calm me down which only infuriated me farther. I spat out, “You are a liar and a fake. You only say you care when terrible things happen. You only ‘love’… if you can call it that… when it’s too late.” He looked down. “I can’t even call you my father, because you don’t even know me.” I walked away from him, climbed in my car and sat there. I noticed I had been mourning for quite a long time; the sun was casting a faint dark blue light over the sky. Checking the time, I noticed it was 6am.

When we went home later that day, it was eerie. I went upstairs to get my sheet music and passed by Heidi’s empty room. All of her possessions were strewn everywhere, never to be used by her again. I shuddered, got my music and headed to Nathan’s garage with the others. It was a quiet walk. No one said a word and I noticed Zach was still really red around the eyes and his hair was unkempt; as if he didn’t even care anymore. Which I’m sure he didn’t.
We entered the garage and I sat my folder down on my keyboard. Heidi’s painting was sitting in the corner, opposite to where my keyboard was. Everyone else became settled in their usual places.
“So… what song? Here with You?” Michael asked.
“No,” Zach and I said abruptly.
“…Dance Forever?”
We started playing the opening chords and Nathan began singing. My eyes slowly transitioned over to the painting and I fumbled over the keys.
“S-sorry…” I stuttered, looking back down at my music and beginning again. But after about thirty seconds my eyes drifted back and I had to regroup again. We switched songs and once it happened a third time, we stopped, Zach moved the painting out of the garage and we continued. Everyone else was doing fine, perhaps a little run-down; but no one was messing up like I was.
We began A Different Side of Me. But slowly Zach’s voice and Michael’s drums and Nathan and Cam’s rhythms were drowned out by thoughts of Heidi… How she would usually be sitting in front of Zach, head in palms and knees bent up as her face would glow; watching him sing… How Zach would always insist she sing a duet with him, but she would reply no and we would all sit there saying she was awesome at singing… And I would go up to her and tell her that I always heard her in her room and she was a star… And as more and more thoughts flooded in, I missed more and more notes and finally I stopped, threw my retarded music folder on the floor and walked out without another word; angry tears flooding my face.
Cameron followed me, stopped me and wrapped me in a hug. He didn’t say anything as I stood there, shamelessly sobbing into his shoulder. The others came out and stood there; my folder in Michael’s hand. When Cameron let go, Michael handed it back to me.
“…It’s okay, you--,” he started.
I ignored him, opened my folder, took out my music and began ripping it all up in anger; everything we’d worked on since eighth grade. As I ripped it, I spoke.
“I… can’t… frickin’… do… this… anymore!”
“Tom, yes you can!”
“I CAN’T!” I shouted. “Okay, Michael?! I. CAN’T. You saw what happened back there! I’m done. You’re better off without me anyway! Nothing’s meant to work out for me, so don’t even pretend I’m going to go right back and it’s going to work! SO GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE FRICKIN’ CLOUDS AND FACE REALITY!” I wiped my eyes and looked at him apologetically. “It’s not meant for me.”
“Well then we won’t either,” Nathan said.
“Do not stop!” I exclaimed, shocked. “Do not stop just because of me! This is my problem, not yours…” Zach glanced over at me sadly. “…Well, and Zach’s, but Zach, you’re a lot stronger than I am and I will not let you stop. You know she would never let you… And if I have to remind you every day of what she would’ve wanted, then I will! You have one of the most beautifully raw voices out there, Zach, and she knew that.”
“Zach, you need to find yourself a new girl, that would help you a lot,” Michael said.
“No. That’s not what I promised her.”
“Oh come on, you’ll want to after a wh--,” he started.
“No.”
I gave Michael a ‘drop-it-right-now’ look and he faltered into silence.
“…Well you’re always welcome back if you change your mind, Tom. It won’t be the same without you… Hey! Would you want to be a sound check person for us or something instead?” Nathan asked.
“We’ll see… probably.”
Zach’s eyes widened. “Gotta go.”
We all smiled, recognizing the look. “Song,” we said in unison. It was the first time we had smiled in eighteen hours… It was as if I had just won an old friend back.

An hour later we entered the local Mexican restaurant. Sitting in our usual booth, we waited for a waitress and looked out of our window at the ocean. We had always come here over the years to discuss songs and such at least once a week. Every celebration of ours was held here… Today was the beginning and the end. The beginning of Allstar, but the end for me… And as we ate and talked about the contest, I decided this was for the best. I could never have seen myself on billboards or anything of the sort. I wouldn’t have wanted to be on any of that. Because that would mean the end of my normality and as I thought about it, I realized I would not be ready for that. So I suppose Heidi passing away helped me take a step back and figure that out, because if I hadn’t, who knows how I would’ve ended up feeling about everything.
I looked over at the others and gave a halfhearted smile. They were perfect, they thrived for it, people were going to love them… and I would only ever look in upon that from the outside.
My phone rang and I warily picked it up.
“Hello?”
“It’s Mom… So, when do you want to have the funeral?”
I hung up. That was the last thing I wanted to discuss right now.