Everything (To Nothing)

I can't say I'd ever thought of myself as a clingy person. That's not to say I didn't enjoy being close with Louis or even Aubrey, I just saved these kinds of relationships to the closest people in my life. So when Louis didn't text me back that day, I didn't really worry. And when he didn't text me back for a few days, I didn't worry too much either. But when it reached the one week mark and my texts still went unanswered, I did.
After class on a Monday, I packed up my things and told Aubrey I'd catch up with her later. I walked over to Mr Malik's desk and was greeted with a smile.
"Hey, Ivory. What can I do for you?"
We chatted about the lesson that day until the last straggler left the classroom, leaving us alone.
"Have you spoken to Louis lately?"
"Yeah, he's texted me almost every day. Why? Has he said something?" Zayn's smile dropped from his face.
"No, no, nothing bad! He just hasn't replied to any of my texts, is all," I said, looking away and picking at my nail polish.
"That's strange. He hasn't said anything unusual to me, so I don't know why." I looked up at his face and he looked concerned. "I'll call him tonight and have a chat, yeah? I'm sure it's nothing to worry about."
I sent him a grateful smile. "Thanks."

~-~

That afternoon, I felt a little of the weight off my shoulders.That Friday though, the weight was heavier than ever. I'd tried to talk to Mr Malik multiple times, with him always rushing out to make a call/take a call/grab lunch/generally avoid me.
I was frustrated and decided to take the long way home, walking through back streets and a local vegetable patch to calm me down. I even took the time to walk up and down the aisles, reading the names of each of the plants.
I ended up walking through my front door an hour and a half after school finished. I decided to grab a bottle of water from the kitchen before having a nap, and almost immediately regretted my decision.
"Ivory? Where have you been? It's almost 5pm! I've been texting you for hours," Mum started angrily, swatting away Jasper, my little brother who was clinging to her leg.
"I walked the long way home from school and I guess my phone died. I'm sorry," I said, manoeuvring past the four year old pile of limbs who was now trying to cling to me.
"You never seem to be home anymore! I never know where you are, and I would not be surprised if your grades are suffering!"
"I've slipped a grade in Sociology and I've gained another in English Lit. I don't see what the problem is, I've already been accepted to a university," I stated, grabbing a bottle of water and trying not to slam the fridge.
"You don't seem to be taking anything seriously. Just because you've been accepted into a university doesn't mean you can slack off!"
"Are you serious? I am not slacking off, I've been spending more time with friends and stressing less which, if I'm honest, I think is more important than having good grades and being unhappy anyway," I said, bracing myself against the doorframe as Jasper jumped on my back and yelled "Giddy up!".
I took him to his room and sat him down on his bed, before he giggled and jumped on me, tackling me with cuddles.
"I'm going to miss when you're too old for this," I said, stroking his hair before taking a much deserved nap with him curled around my side.

~-~

To add to my worries, Aubrey seemed upset that I'd been spending time away from her. I texted her on the weekend just for a chat and hadn't received a reply, so I knew she must be angry. Darcie and Perrie seemed to be around a lot lately, and I didn't get spoken to much. I couldn't tell if it were on purpose or not.
Monday back at school had been mediocre at best with my miseries at the forefront of my mind and no one to confide in. I suppose at least I didn't have to sit alone, but I was happy for the day to be over.
I was about to walk out of the school gates when the day had finished, before catching sight of Mr Malik talking to Mr Grimshaw, my Sociology teacher. I turned to Aubrey and the other girls she seemed to keep around the last few days.
"Um, you guys go ahead. I'll see you on Monday," I said meekly, hitching my bag higher over my shoulder and giving a little wave before walking in the other direction. I tried not to notice Aubrey's glare on my back as I made my way back to the building.
"Ivory!" Mr Grimshaw greeted, a smirk on his face. "I see you are well recovered from your illness that has forced you to miss my last two classes."
"Sorry, Mr Grimshaw," I said, ducking my head. I definitely needed to stop taking days off.
"I'm joking, Ivory. Now, is there something I can help you with?"
"No, actually, I need to talk to Mr Malik," I said, looking over at him. He wasn't meeting my eyes.
"Good good, because I need to get out of this shithole. Pretend you didn't hear that. Zayn, Ivory," Mr Grimshaw said, turning on his heel and walking to his car.
"Actually, I really need to run too-"
"Zayn. Why are you avoiding me?" I asked, finally catching his eye.
He paused, and looked down at the ground. "I, uh, I talked to Louis."
"And?" I asked, my heart dropping from his reaction.
"He just, I think he just needs a little bit of time. Space. I don't know, if I'm honest," he said, running his fingers through his hair.
"Did he say that in those words?"
"Um, not exactly. I think just maybe let him breathe for a bit until he gets his head together, yeah?"
I walked over the wall of the building and leaned forward until my head made a satisfying clunk against the wood panels and turned around to slide down the wall, sitting on the ground. Zayn sighed before putting down his bag and coming to join me. We were silent for a while before I asked.
"Is he always like this when something happens?" I asked softly, staring at my knees.
"Louis is the kind of person who can only focus on one thing at a time. He's usually quite good at ignoring whatever else is on his mind. Which is usually a good thing," he explained, before looking over at me. "I know he really, really likes you. Something will knock sense into him good soon enough."
I nodded. "It's just, he's not the only person that's got stuff going on, you know? Not that mine is anywhere near the extremity of his, but… you know."
"You can always talk to me. I know it's probably not as good as Louis or Aubrey, but I can try," he said, putting a huge smile on his face, an imitation of Louis'. I laughed.
"Well, Aubrey's part of the problem. Louis isn't talking to me and I don't know why. Aubrey isn't ignoring me, but isn't really talking to me either. She's mad at me for something and I have no clue what. My parents have thrown a complete fit over my grades - which I don't feel are really that bad - and it's just a bit much all at the same time."
He looked quite sympathetic and put his arm around me to pull me into some kind of sideways hug. He squeezed tight before letting go.
"I know it must suck. But you're a smart girl, and things will work out soon enough."

-~-

I walked into school the next day and it felt something like a movie. Walking down the hallway was strange - people's eyes flicked to and away from me, not bothering to be discreet about their whispers. I felt sorely tempted to be a stereotype and lock myself in the bathrooms, but I toughed it out, grabbed my books from my locker and headed to class.
The whispers followed me around the school and I held my books tight to my chest like some kind of shield. I couldn't comprehend what was happening or why, when - oh. They must've found out about Louis.
I walked into Sociology and sat next to Aubrey, who promptly stood up and walked to the other side of the room to sit with Perrie. What?
The class was awful. Nothing sunk in and every time my eyes flickered up from my notes, the glances of people all around would meet me and automatically flick away. Lunch was better, but I sat on my own, knowing that if I tried to sit with Aubrey that it would not be good.
As I ate, I couldn't help that my hands were shaking and eventually had to put my food down. If Louis got sacked, I would feel so awful. Though, I had been with him previously and we'd broken it off, and there was no way they could prove it hadn't, right?
I looked up and found myself at my locker, my feet automatically carrying me there to get the books for my next class. Something I had not expected was for Aubrey to storm towards me in a huff, only to ignore me whilst getting things out of her locker. I was starting to rethink my initial excitement over having her locker next to mine.
"So," she started, slamming her locker closed and facing me. "Is it true? What everyone's saying?"
I closed my locker and turned to face her. "I don't know what you're talking about," I said softly.
"Oh, right, I'm sure you don't," she said scathingly. "Just that you and Mr Malik were being all romantic behind the science block yesterday afternoon. And ditching me for it? Not the best."
My mouth dropped open. "Me and Zayn? No, no, no…"
"Oh, on a first name basis are we? Sure, I get fucking one teacher but two is a bit of a stretch, even for you. Whatever. I don't know why I bothered thinking you would tell me, you never tell me anything anymore." A flash of hurt came across her face, but it was gone before I could be sure it was even there. "See you, Ivory."
I just stood there for a minute, my jaw slack and eyes wide. I couldn't process what had just happened. I shut my locker, and walked out of the school.

I got home and felt like I was suffocating. Things just seemed to be a little broken, and then all at once it felt shattered. I locked myself in my room and wrapped my arms around my legs, bringing my knees to my chest.
Alone is something I had no issues with when I was younger. Talking to people made my head duck and my chest tighten, and friends were not something that came naturally.
Aubrey broke into my life by being a person genuinely unaffected by awkwardness. We'd been friends since my first year of college, and I didn't want to imagine my life without her again.
I wasn't necessarily a loner, I did have sit with people at lunch and in classes before. But I didn't really consider them friends, more acquaintances, and knew we wouldn't keep in touch. I preferred to be inside my own head, keep my problems to myself and not bother people with my issues.
Since I'd met Aubrey though, that had changed. She truly cared about me, and I always confided in her. Or did I? I remembered the hurt flashing across her face when she said I never told her anything anymore… and I realised that was true. Things had been so stressful with Louis that I'd forgotten about Aubrey, and I couldn't imagine that would feel nice to anyone.
I felt the guilt clamp at my chest and tried to hold back tears. Crying wasn't something I was good at and it was very rare that it happened. But I could feel the hot, salty liquid brim my eyes and fall down my cheeks, and sobs wracked through my body.
Obviously my Mum heard me, because minutes later there were arms wrapped around me and a soft kiss pressed to my forehead.
"Oh, honey," she said, pulling me in tight. "I'm sorry I was mad at you the other day. I've been stressed about the fact both you and Jasper growing up so quickly and I'm sorry for snapping. You know you can talk to me though, darling."
"I know," I whispered, cuddling into her.
My phone started beeping and Mum gave a small smile and muttered something about teenagers before handing it to me. "You going to look at that?"
I put my phone in my pocket without looking at it. "I'm going to go for a nap, I'll look at it later. Thank you," I said to Mum, giving her a kiss on the cheek before climbing under the covers.
Mum tucked me in just like she did when I was little, and I closed my eyes as she curled my hair behind my ear. "I love you, Ivory."
"I love you too," I said, and she left the room.

I tried to sleep for a little while, but that text was weighing on my mind. With bleary eyes, I checked my phone and saw a text from the last person I expected to hear from.

[2:18pm] Hi Ivory, hope I'm not bothering you. I think it would be a good idea if you came to visit for a little bit, maybe with Zayn. Louis is too worried about me to realise he's suffering too. Would love you see you, hope you can make it xxxx Lottie