By Your Side

“Because if I see what Heaven’s become—what I—what I made of it…I’m afraid I might kill myself.”

Some time had passed, but the words still echoed in Dean’s head, making his heart ache, making him want to be there for his friend, if friends were even what they were. Dean couldn’t deny that there were feelings there, though the kind of feelings he couldn’t name immediately. All he knew was that they were strong, and the thought of Castiel wanting to end it all made them surge up inside of him, ready to escape his body in some tangible form.

He wanted to comfort Cas, reassure him in some way that things would be okay, but really… when were things ever okay? And Dean just wasn’t the type to easily comfort someone. He couldn’t even comfort himself.

“Cas?” Dean watched as Castiel turned his head in his direction, blue eyes focusing on Dean’s green eyes. Castiel had been staring out the window again, and it was at these times that Dean imagined Cas had something on his mind, thinking about things that wouldn’t make anyone feel better. “You alright?”

“I’m fine, Dean,” he said, voice gravelly as he returned his gaze to the window. Dean checked the time. Sam had taken off a little bit ago, off to check some stuff out at the library and grab some food. Sighing, he stood up and moved so he was standing beside Cas, and stared out the window. It didn’t do much good. It was dark and there was nothing to see.

“Care to enlighten me about what’s so interesting out there?” Dean asked, watching Castiel carefully. He watched Cas’ eyes shift sideways before returning to the window, without an answer. Dean clapped a hand onto Cas’ shoulder. “If you need to talk, I’m here for you. I just want you to know that.”

“Thank you,” he said. Dean hesitated before finally letting his hand slide from Castiel’s shoulder. He moved to his bed in the small motel room and sat down heavily, eyes still trained on the angel. He heard the impala outside before he could think of something else to say. Sam came in a moment later, holding up a paper bag from a nearby diner.

“Got you a burger.”

---

“Dean.”

He sat up quickly, eyes instinctively moving to the window. Castiel was no longer standing there, and it took Dean a moment to realize that Cas was seated on his bed, watching him.

“Dude, what time is it?” Dean mumbled, rubbing his eyes. He could hear Sam snoring softly in the bed beside his.

“Can I talk to you?” Castiel asked, ignoring Dean’s question.

“Now?” he asked. “Can’t it wait till later? When I’m not trying to get some sleep?”

“I’m sorry to have disturbed you,” he said quietly, getting up and returning to his spot by the window. Dean watched him, and as his mind cleared a bit, he couldn’t help but notice that Cas was acting a bit stranger than usual, and he started to worry again.

He lay back down and tried to fall back asleep, to put it off until later, but Dean quickly found that he wasn’t tired anymore. He shut his eyes though, pretending to sleep and trying to figure how to handle this situation.

When he heard Sam getting up, he made the motions of someone waking up—yawning loudly, stretching, and rubbing his eyes. Cas was still at the window, but he was watching Dean now.

---

Dean had offered to go pick up some supplies for the road while Sam took a shower and Cas joined him.

“What’s on your mind, Cas?” he finally asked, once they were headed to town. Cas was silent, looking out at the road in front of them.

“Things… don’t seem normal,” he finally said, speaking slowly. “I feel lost, like I have no direction.”

“Don’t we all?” Dean said. “It’s just going to take some time to get the hang of things again. We were in purgatory for too long, man.”

Dean parked the impala in the parking lot of the local gas station and turned so he could look at Cas.

“I know you’ve got a lot on your plate,” he started, not really knowing what he was trying to say. “But you’ll get through it. We’ll all get through it. It’s what we do.”

Cas gave a slight nod of his head before reaching for the door handle to open it. Dean wasn’t sure what compelled him to do it, but before he could give it even the smallest trace of a thought, his own hand shot out and closed around the one resting on Cas’ eyes. Castiel looked quickly to there to hands, joined together, before glancing up, his eyes meeting Dean’s.

“I mean it, Cas,” Dean said. “We’ll get through this.”

They stayed like that for a moment, just staring at each other.

“I believe you, Dean,” Cas finally said and Dean gave his hand a quick squeeze before letting it go and fumbling with the handle of his own door handle.

What was getting into him?

---

Some more time passed. More cases, more dingy motel rooms. Cas seemed a bit better, but he his actions were still hesitant, still slightly withdrawn.

Sam was out again, and this time Dean really just had no idea what he was doing.

“You still remember our chat?” Dean asked, sitting on the edge of the bed that Castiel was currently occupying, reading through John’s journal as he usually liked to do. He looked up to meet Dean’s concerned gaze.

“Yes,” he said. He closed the journal and set it on the bed beside him. “I just worry… what will happen when you and Sam go off on your own again? What will happen when I am on my own again?”

“What do you mean?” Dean asked, confused now.

“I can’t just tag along forever,” Castiel said. “While I would consider you two my friends, I just assume that you two will forget ahead on your own eventually.”

Dean shook his head slowly.

“We’re not going anywhere, Cas,” he said. “We—I’m not going anywhere. You belong here with me… with us. I know we were hesitant at first about the situation, but now it just wouldn’t feel right without you.”

“That’s nice of you to say, Dean,” Cas said, and Dean really didn’t know what the fuck he was doing anymore because suddenly his hand was holding Cas’ again.

“You mean a lot to me,” Dean said, again, without thinking. He was kind of thankful when he heard the impala. He dropped Cas’ hand and stood up from the bed, moving back to the little table he had been sitting at, doing some research.

---

He woke to hesitant fingers on his wrist. When Dean opened his eyes he saw that it was Castiel, standing over him, staring intently.

“Where’s Sam?” he asked immediately looking around the room.

“He went to get breakfast,” Castiel answered. Dean could now see the sunlight trying to make its way around the edges of the closed curtains on the window. He sat up slowly, rubbing at his eyes.

“Everything okay?” he questioned, looking up at Cas. He watched as the angel sat down on the edge of the bed.

“You meant what you said the other day?” he asked, eyes boring holes into Dean’s.

“Of course,” Dean answered. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Cas looked around him, trying to search for the right words.

“I still… I’ve done so many things that I am not proud of,” he said. “I would not be surprised if you didn’t want me around.”

“You need to stop worrying, Cas,” Dean said, moving so he was a bit closer to Castiel. He placed a hand on Cas’ shoulder. “I’m not ever going to leave your side.”

Cas turned his head away from Dean, looking toward the window. Dean sighed, lifting his other hand to grip Cas’ jaw and turn his face towards his own.

“I mean that Cas,” he said. “When are you going to believe me?”

Dean could kick himself for all the times he did things without thinking, but at this point he was done caring. Somehow his mouth was now hovering over Cas’, green eyes searching blue. It was at this point that he decided to quickly analyze what he was about to do. It was at this point that he realized he didn’t care anymore.

His lips met Cas’ lightly, barely brushing together. He let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding before pushing their lips together with more purpose. He groaned when Cas responded and he made a mental note to thank whoever created the pizza man porno Cas had watched. It definitely helped make this situation uncomfortable.

His tongue had just brushed over Cas’ bottom lip when he heard the all too familiar sound of the impala outside. He pulled away from Cas with a sigh. Cas opened his eyes, simply staring at Dean. He heard the car door shut.

“I love you, Cas,” Dean said quietly. “That’s why I’m not going anywhere.”

The door to the motel room opened and Sam came in, eyes moving over the scene in front of him. He smiled slightly, and Dean knew that Sam understood exactly what was going on. He glanced back at Cas who was still watching him, and Dean grabbed Cas’ hand, giving it a squeeze. Dean grinned when the corners of Cas’ mouth twitched upwards briefly.

Things were looking up.