Stare Like You'll Stay

Fidgeting in the mirror, Edie tried her hardest to get a fucking grip. She pulled at the skirt she was wearing, wishing she had a pair of clean pants to wear instead. Looking in the mirror, it was like she didn't even recognize the girl staring back at her.

John was still snoring away in the hotel bed, the sheets a mess around his shirtless body as the sun slowly began to shine brighter and brighter through the crack in the maroon curtains. Edie couldn't bring herself to wake him because he looked so peaceful. She didn't want him to have to get sucked back into the toxic relationship she felt like she was putting him through.

It had been five day since their talk after dinner at Nashville and while her boyfriend's words seemed to ease her mind for a while, the words never managed to stick to her fucking up brain.

“I should be embarrassed, John. I made a complete fucking fool of myself to you last night.” Edie could feel her face turning red as she looked away from John, walking towards the end of the studio's deck.

“Why did you drink that much, Ed? What happened that day that made you think you couldn't just talk to me?” He came up behind her and rested his hand on her lower back, not going to let her walk away from the conversation.

Running a frustrated hand through her long dark hair, she sniffed the tears away and turned to look at him, resting her back against the wood railing.

“Its not secret that I don't like myself, John. You have known that since the beginning of time. Just, when we went shopping today, I don't know.....” Edie chewed on her lip, feeling completely foolish.

“Come on, tell me Edie. I hate seeing you like this.” John's voice was strained, hating it when Edie looked so upset and never wanting to communicate with him.

“I just, I feel like I did months ago and I hate it. I never feel good enough. You are always around all o these pretty girls and every normal girlfriend is going to get jealous, but my mind and emotions feel the need to take it to a whole new level. I don't just get jealous, I just start to hate myself. I compare myself to every girl that walks by and instantly start picking out the things that they have that I wish I had.”

Looking down at the ground, Edie scraped her heels against the wood as a stray tear left her eye. The warmth of John's thumb soon met the tear and was wiped away in an instant.

“Ed, we made a promise when all of this started that we were going to communicate with each other. I guess I haven't been doing a good job with communicating with you and you feel like you can't talk to me. I am sorry.”

Staring at her boyfriend with wide eyes, she immediately shook her head at him. He was blaming himself for how she was feeling? That just made her feel worse inside. Squeezing her eyes shut with hurt, her voice began to shake.

“This is in no way your fault, John. I know that you are busy and you don't always have time to talk to me because you are tired or have some place to be. I am used to that and I accept it. I don't want you to always be there for me, I need to learn to take care of myself without having you as a crutch. That was another promise we had - you aren't supposed to keep me together, you are just supposed to help me find all the pieces when I do fall apart.”

John brought her into his arms and held her close, nuzzling his nose into her hair as she latched onto his shirt. He still felt guilty – he needed to be there for her more. He needed to try harder. He made a promise to not only Halvo, but also her brother to keep her together.

“I love you.” John whispered to her, the three words never seeming enough to keep her from falling apart right in front of him. John was going to fix her no matter what, no matter how hard it was going to take. He was never going to know what was going on in her head, but he sure as well was going to try.

“Love you too.”

It had been five days and Edie had seen some improvement. John was basically attached to her hip all day long. Well, at least when he wasn't off doing a signing or radio appearance. She wasn't going to lie, she loved spending time with John, but their relationship was slowly starting to turn him just babysitting her day in and day out. And when he wasn't there, it was Max or Matt constantly keeping a close eye on her.

Running a brush through her hair, she could hear John stirring from his slumber and she reached for the plate of food and coffee she had grabbed for him downstairs. Setting both of the items down on the nightstand, she sat on the edge of the bed and placed her hair on John's warm bare chest.

“We have to be downstairs in a half hour.” Edie's voice whispered as she leaned down and kissed his lips, John's glistening eyes slowly opening at the sudden touch.

“I smell a blueberry muffin.” John's raspy voice joked as he gave his girlfriend a mischievous smile. As much as she tried to hide it with makeup, John could see the purple circles under her eyes – he knew she wasn't sleeping well at night.

“I brought you two and a cup of coffee.” Edie smiled at him before running her hand through his bed head before standing up the bed to make sure everything in the hotel room had been gathered up.

John slowly sat up from the bed, his back resting against the headboard as he reached for his cup of coffee.

“Have you eaten yet?” His voice was thick and low, a sound that sent chills down Edie's spine as she picked up the pajamas she had worn last night up off of the floor.

“Yeah, I went down a bit ago. I didn't want to wake you so I just brought you back some food. I snatched the last two blueberry muffins for you.” Smiling at him, she threw the clothes into her open suitcase before retrieving her makeup bag from the bathroom.

“I owe you my life.” John mumbled as he shoved half of the muffin into his mouth, crumbs tumbling down his bare chest onto the white hotel sheets. Edie blushed a little at his comment before zipping up her suitcase and moving to set it by the door.

“I think you-” Edie stopped as her cellphone began to vibrate next to the TV. Walking over to it, she rolled her eyes when she saw Beth's name pop up on the screen.

“It's Beth.” Chuckling at the screen, she walked into the bathroom and answered the call, her ears immediately ringing with her best friend's scream.

“AHHTHGIDJHWTSDGDS”

“What? Beth, you aren't making any sense!!”

“HE FINALLY FUCKING PROPOSED!” Edie's heart immediately went into shock – not knowing if it should shoot up with excitement or plummet with disappointment as she heard the news. Beth and Eric were getting married?

“What-whatttt? Married?” Edie didn't even know how to form a sentence, her entire body feeling stunned. Resting a hand on her forehead, her mind tried to process the news.

“Yes! He proposed last night. I didn't think he would have the balls to be honest. The boy is as skiddish as a newborn fucking kitten, but he finally did. I thought I was going to have to wait until we were in our walkers for him to pop the fucking question.”

Resting her back against the wall in the bathroom, her mouth went dry. Beth and Eric were getting married? All of this felt too real for some reason, things were moving fast. There were her two best friends getting ready to spend the rest of their lives with each other and Edie couldn't even get over her emotional issues long enough to tell John all of the truth.

“How did he do it?” That was all she could think of to say at this point.

“Well, it was my last night in Nashville. We went out with the guys to one of the bars and then me and him decided to take a walk around the town. The entire strip was lit up with blinkly lights and Eric started talking about our relationship and all we had been through. I thought maybe he was drunk or on his period because he was getting really emotional and then as we kept walking, we made it to the waterfront and he had 'marry me?' spelled out with candles. And then he got down on one knee.”

“That's great, Beth. Really. I am happy for you two.” Her words sounded so forced, but she knew Beth was in too much glory to even hear the hesitance in her voice.

“Well you are going to be a bridesmaid so be ready to go with me to find the perfect wedding dress! But anyway, I have to go. I haven't called my mom yet to tell her, but I will call you later tonight, okay?”

“Okay, by-” Edie couldn't even get the full sentence out before Beth had hung up. She knew Beth wasn't trying to be rude, Edie had never heard her so excited about anything. Normally, Beth was the hardest person to please, hardly ever showing excitement for anything other than a ice cold beer or new camera film.

Locking her phone, Edie took a second to look at the blank wall and pick the pieces of thoughts floating around in her mind. Beth and Eric were getting married. They were so in love. They always fought, but their love was real. They never lied to each other – they were completely themselves. Beth was the same age as Edie and she was getting married while Edie was in a relationship with a guy she loved, but couldn't even bring herself to tell the whole truth too.

Edie's fingertips went to messing with the loose charms of the golden bracelet that hung from her wrist – a gift from John. After their conversation that night in Nashville, John went out the next day and bought it for her as a reminder of how much he loved her. It was cheesy yeah, but she loved it.

Swallowing hard, she left the bathroom to see John finishing off his cup of coffee and rising from his bed to search for his jeans and a fresh shirt.

“What is Beth up to?” Turning off what she was feeling, Edie looked at John with a huge smile, not wanting to show the selfish amount of disappointment she was feeling.

“They are getting married.” Breathing out a loud sigh, Edie tucked her phone away in her purse as John pulled his black jeans over his legs.

“He finally did it, huh? Eric man, he was talking to me about it the other day, but I never thought he would actually do it. Looks like we have a wedding to be going to.” John buttoned his pants before reaching for his red Budweiser shirt, pulling it over his head and his arms through the sleeves.

“Yeah, Beth was already talking about bridesmaids dresses and her wedding dress. I don't think I have ever seen her so excited.” Crossing her arms, she leaned against the wall and watched as John pulled his sock covered feet into his untied boots, wondering how he felt so cool about all of this. Was she crazy to think that the sudden news of Beth and Eric's engagement brought her nothing but the realization that people were moving on with life and she was still stuck?

“I don't think Halvo is going to be prepared for that side of Beth.” John chuckled as he stood up from the bed and walked over to his girl, leaning down to kiss her tenderly on the lips.

“You look beautiful today.” John made it a habit of not telling her just once a day, but multiple times a day, hoping that the more she heard it, the more she believed it. Smiling Edie kissed John once more,

“Thank you.”

“I am going to go wash up and then we can head downstairs.” He kissed the top of her head before retiring to the bathroom to brush his teeth while Edie's stomach filled with both guilt and growled with hunger. Resting her hand against her abdomen, the nose of her empty stomach was more than just a cry for food, it was a cry for help and a constant reminder of how much she was hurting John.

John may have noticed the circle under her eyes from not being able to sleep, but he wasn't going to be able to see inside her stomach. As the week had gone on and on, Edie found herself eating less and less, the look of any type of food leaving her feeling even more disgusted with herself. Lie after lie was being built up, but Edie couldn't stop, not now.

She was still eating enough to get by, just not as much as she used to. Three meals turned into two and now she was down to one. Just one meal a day. She could it. She needed to do it. She had to be good enough. For John. For her. For Everyone.