Stare Like You'll Stay

Hanging up her phone, Edie set it back on the table next to her bowl and let out a loud sigh. Ever since the proposal, Beth had been talking Edie's ear off every day about the wedding plans and what she wanted it to be like. Not that Edie didn't love hearing about how excited her friend was, but she wasn't exactly in the right mindset to be fully on board the wedding train.

Sitting alone in the green room of the Florida venue, Edie stared at her big bowl of salad, trying to bring herself to tackle the task of eating it all. Picking at it here and there, she spent more time wondering about how badly it would impact her weight if she ate it all than actually doing so. Things were getting bag, worse than ever before. She found herself barely eating, only doing so when she was around John so he wasn't suspicious. But with him away doing interviews, she didn't really see the need in taking anymore bites of the leafy greens in front of her.

John wasn't suspicious at all which was a good thing, Edie was working to keep it that way. The last thing she wanted was him to see how bad she had gotten and decide that he couldn't fix her, leaving her on her own. She didn't know how to function without John. Without her boyfriend here, she was just going to become that sad homebody she was before they met.

“Hey White.” Startled, Edie looked up to see Garrett sitting across from her, a big foot long Jimmy John's sandwich in front of him. The bread and the meat and the lettuce was causing her mouth to water. All she wanted was a real meal, but she wouldn't be able to stomach it all without feeling guilty and even worse about herself.

“Hey Gar, what's up?” She tried her best to smile and slowly speared a piece of lettuce and put it in her mouth, trying her best to chew it down.

“I am just about to dig into this beautiful sandwich and then I am off to soundcheck. Where is your knight in shining armor?” He asked as he took his first bite of the glorious food in front of him, causing a ping of jealously to fill Edie's body.

“He is around here somewhere I am sure. Him and Pat went off to do an interview a little bit ago.” Looking down at her phone, she watched as Beth's name glowed from the screen causing Edie to roll her eyes.

“Has she been talking your ear off about the wedding?” Nodding, Edie stabbed another piece of lettuce with her fork and forced herself to eat it.

“Yeah, I mean, they already agreed they were going to be waiting until Rocket's new music was done, but she is just really excited I suppose. Is Fal going to be visiting any time soon?” Edie had met Garrett's girlfriend, Falyn, briefly, but all Edie wanted was another girl on the tour.

“She will probably come out for a week or so when we head up the coast. Are you not having enough fun will all us manly men there, White?” Garrett puffed out his chest, a piece of lettuce hanging from his growing beard as Edie chuckled slightly at the weird boy across from her.

“I could use a little girl time, I suppose. I-”

“There you are.” John's voice filled Edie's ears as she felt him peck her on the cheek and sit next to her, dropping a foot long Jimmy John's sandwich in front of her.

“I got you your favorite – Turkey Tom.” Edie began to panic as her stomach growled. She couldn't eat this. The bread was going to go straight to her thighs, the mayo having more calories than anything she had eaten the past few days. Taking a deep breath, her fingers rested on top of the wrapped.

“Oh, you really didn't have to do that, John.” Her voice attempted to be as cheery as possible as John opened up his sandwich and began eating. Sighing, Edie paced herself. Slowly opening up the wrapper, she looked at the sandwich in front of her, her stomach begging for her to eat while her mind was telling her to run for the hills.

Lifting up the sandwich to her lips, she took a small bite before setting it down immediately. She chewed slowly, hoping that would fill her up faster so she didn't have to eat as much.

“A bunch of us were thinking about going to dinner and then out to a bar tonight if you wanted to tag along. We finally have a night out.” John wrapped an arm around her and kissed the top of her head, wanting nothing more than to spend some time with his girlfriend.

“Yeah, that sounds awesome.” She took another small bite and casually ate until half of the sandwich was gone while both of the boys devoured every bit of food in front of them. She couldn't even talk, she felt so guilty inside. Her body was happy, but even more negative thoughts were running through her mind. Fat. Ugly. Why did you eat all of that? You didn't need it.

“We are about to head to soundcheck, but I have time to kill afterwards if you wanted to go walk around or something?” John asked as he wiped his mouth with a napkin and rose from his seat to throw his trash away, Garrett following his movements and leaving to get his bass set up.

Edie turned in her chair, shifting in her polka dot jeans and John's wine colored cardigan she found in her bunk this morning. Running her hand through her long hair, she nodded her head, trying her best to look happy.

“That would be perfect, John.” John smiled at her and walked over, leaning down to give her a kiss on the lips.

“I love you.” He whispered towards her before kissing her once more and heading out the green room door to get soundcheck on the way. Edie's heart suddenly felt very heavy as she rose from her seat to throw the other half of her sandwich away, grabbing her cell phone and putting it in her back pocket.

Sliding her moccasin covered feet along the green room floor, she walked to stand in the mirror and look at herself – something she instantly regretted. Lifting her baggy tank top up slightly, she could see her sandwich already starting to take refuge on her body, her stomach looking bigger than she remembered. She took a deep breath, keeping her tears in check as she dropped her shirt and paced around the green room, trying not to think about how many calories she had consumed just moments ago. Ten minutes must have gone by before she realized she had been pacing around the room for that long, the sounds of the boys sound checking filling her ears.

Glancing up from her feet, her eyes fell on the bathroom, a moment of relief filling her head. She couldn't, could she? She would feel better about it after. The fat from the sandwich couldn't stay on her body anymore.

Slowly walking towards the bathroom with quiet feet, she stood in the doorway and flicked on the light, looking at the porcelain throne in front of her. She would feel better. She would feel better. She would feel better. And technically, she did eat something.

Moving to brush a piece of hair out of her face, her eyes landed on the charms that dangled from her wrist instantly reminding her on John. Sometimes the bracelet helped her, it reminded her that she still had John to think about. But John didn't understand the pain she felt and how badly she saw herself.

Pulling her sleeve down to hide the bracelet, Edie moved farther into the bathroom, preparing to get all of the food inside of her out. She tied her hair up in a loose bun so it was out of her aim of fire, but as she soon as she began to kneel down in front of the toilet, she felt her phone begin to vibrate in her back pocket. Reaching to grab it, her heart broken when Eric's name read across the screen.

Falling back, her back hit the wall as she set her vibrating phone next to her and began to cry. Hiding her face in her hands, she felt like a completely failure. She was lost, confused and hurt. She didn't know what to do with herself or where to go. She couldn't bring herself to eat as often as she could, but she wasn't able to bring herself to throw any of it up either.

Reaching for her phone, she placed it to her ear to listen to the message Eric had left, hoping it would bring her some relief. However, all it did was make her feel worse about herself because she was lying to everyone, even her best friend.

“Hey Ed, its your best friend in the whole world. I haven't heard from you in a while, but I am sure its because Beth is talking your ear off about the wedding, I know she is giving me an ear full too,” he paused briefly, “anyway, I miss you and want to hear back from you. My daily dose of Edie is turning weekly which I can't live with. I love you.”

Another round of tears spilled over as she hugged her knees to her chest and cried, the sound of her boyfriend's beautiful voice in the background not easing her mind for the first time ever. She was worried that nothing was going to help her now.

++++

Dinner was a nightmare. After being forced to eat half of that sandwich earlier, Edie had to tackle another plate of food. Strategically, she ordered the chicken pasta so she could cut it up into little bits and make it look like she ate a lot. John didn't suspect a thing, being too busy chatting it up with the rowdy boys around the table.

After deciding that she might feel better if she got dressed up for the night, Edie put on a light pink belted dress and a lace jacket, paired with a pair of bow heels. Things were going great at the bar, Edie sipping slowly on her beer with John by her side the whole night.

Already buzzed an hour into their stay, John's arm was around her as she laughed along with the guys who were all ready to get completely hammered for the link. John was on his fourth beer and he never left Edie's side, trying his best to not feel so disconnected from her. He knew she was probably upset because this has been his busiest tour yet, always off doing signings, interviews and in store performances to really have enough time to hang with Edie.

The girls at the bar weren't really getting the hint that John was taken, however. Edie watched as girls in skimpy dresses passed by the table of boys, ready to flirt with them with every chance they got. Edie was never one to show PDA, but she found herself making sure John's arm was around her at all times so girls would get the memo to take a fucking hike.

John's arm slipped from Edie's shoulder as he clinked shot glasses with Kennedy and threw the hared liquor back before laughing and placing his hand on Edie's thigh, kissing her temple briefly before returning to the conversations going on around the table.

For the first time in days, Edie found herself having fun and laughing, not worrying about the demons she was battling. This is how she was supposed to be feeling on tour, carefree. Not worrying about what she looked like or what people thought of her.

She hadn't returned Eric's call yet, she didn't even know where to begin. She was worried that she was going to be able to tell through her voice that she was in distress and completely lost – Eric knew her too well.

“We are going to go grab more drinks, want anything?” John whispered into her ear, his hot breath tickling her skin and causing her cheeks to warm up. Shaking her head, she watched as John and a few of the guys left the table to go towards the bar for more shots and beers.

Running her finger along the rim of her beer glass, she watched John from a far, finally feeling content with how the night was going. Glancing down at her phone to find another text from Beth about what the color themes of the wedding she would, Edie locked her phone without responding and took a long sip of her beer. When she glanced back towards John's way, she felt her entire face drop as two of the girls who had passed the table earlier made their way over to John, one girl even placing her hand on his shoulder.

She watched John's body language, his mouth moving as he struck up a conversation with the girls, quickly shrugging her hand off his shoulder. John was never one to be rude, striking up conversations with anyone and everyone, but watching her boyfriend talk with other girls brought nothing but discomfort to Edie's body.

Both of the girls had slim bodies, their perfectly trim legs placed in high heels as their thin arms and wrists held jewelry that probably weighed more than they did. Edie was envious. She was sure that guys took one look at them and swarmed. Whenever Edie went out, guys paid more attention to her friends than her.

Taking a deep breath, Edie looked at her half empty beer, chugging down the rest of it in hopes of washing away the emotions she was feeling. Shortly after, John walked back, juggling four shots in his big hands as he returned to his seat next to Edie.

“I got you one just in-” John didn't even have time to finish before his girlfriend grabbed one of the shot glasses and downed the liquid fast, not saying another word. Setting the empty glass down, she gave John a small smile to make it seem like nothing was wrong.

And she sat there for what seemed like forever, no longer laughing at the jokes being made, no matter how funny they were. Her entire moved flipped just like that and she felt self-conscious all over again. John's hand was still rested against her thigh that would probably be the half the size that it actually was, the fat on her body making her feel like she was too big to even properly sit in the chair she was in.

“Do you want to get out of here? I am pretty wiped.” John soon whispered in her ear, comfortably rubbing his hand on Edie's thigh. Looking around the table, she noticed that the guys were nearly drunk, not ready to leave the bar any time soon. Nodding her head, she reached for her bag and laced her hand with John as they said their goodbyes and walked out of the smokey bar.

Walking hand in hand, Edie and John made the short trek back to the smelly tour bus, traveling to Orlando tomorrow for the next show of the tour. The bus was dimly lit when they arrived, all of the boys still being at the bar.

John seized the opportunity to spend some alone time with Edie and pulled her into his embrace, attaching their lips. Even with her being on tour, it was rare that they had any alone time together. Edie threw her purse onto the counter and wrapped her arms around John as his rested against her waist.

The two of them slowly made their way towards the back lounge of the bus, never letting go of each other. Edie needed John more than ever – she felt so alone and so alienated all of the time. John made her feel loved, even when she didn't seem worthy of it.

John's hands left her side momentarily as he stripped off his t-shirt, immediately wrapping his arms around his girl one more time. Edie took off her heels, forcing her to stand on her tip toes to even reach John's lips.

He slowly began to peel off Edie's jacket, something that immediately began to make her self conscious even under the dim bus lighting. Her arms were covered in stretch marks, something that forced her to hide her arms at any given time of day. However, she could feel herself ease into things when John noticed them briefly, but didn't make a single remark about them, almost bringing her to tears.

“You looked beautiful today.” He mumbled against her lips, the sentence almost making her weak in the knees. Edie had never been so attracted to a boy in her entire life, something that both scared her and made her excited.

She listened as he kicked off his shoes, his lips moving down to her neck causing her to bite her lip. Next went the belt around Edie's waist, the useless clothing item being tossed aside. Edie rested her hands against John's bare chest as his lips roamed her neck causing a small moan to escape her lips.

In the entirety of their relationship, sex was never something they had gotten too. Mostly because Edie stopped it every time. She knew of John's past and how he used to sleep around, but it was a big step for her. No, not big. HUGE. She believed she would never be ready to have sex with John until she was comfortable in her own body, which was not something she saw in her future.

So the second John's hand trailed to the zipper of her dress, it was as if something switched on in Edie's mind and she pulled her lips away from his.

“John, I-” she couldn't even say it, knowing that she was totally killing the mood and probably pushing John another step back away from her. Sighing, John's hand fell from her zipper as he stopped what he was doing to look at Edie.

She averted her eyes to the floor, not even being able to stare at him. John was willing to wait until the end of the world for Edie to be ready, but a part of him didn't understand why she kept on putting it off. They loved each other and Edie had expressed in the past that she wanted to be with John forever. She sure as hell wasn't religious so John just couldn't wrap his brain around it.

“Ed, what is-” His voice was cut off by the sound of the bus door opening and footsteps stumbling up the stairs, drunken laughs filling the air. Edie took this as her chance to escape, reaching down for her jacket, grabbing pajamas from her bunk and excusing herself in the bathroom.

Her heart was beating out of her chest. John hated her – he was a man, he wanted sex. She didn't know how to give it to him though. How was she supposed to get naked in front of a boy when she can't even stare at herself in the mirror? She hated herself and was sure that if she stripped down from John, he was going to take one look at her and run the opposite way.

She may not have known John, but she knew the girls in Arizona. John hooked up with the skinny girls who looked straight out of a magazine. Even his hateful bitch ex-girlfriend, Aly, had the perfect body. And then there was Edie, a complete fuck up.

After washing off her makeup and changing out of her dress, Edie returned to her bunk and crawled under the covers, wanting nothing more than to forget about the day. The boys were being rowdy in the front lounge, but Edie was tired enough to allow sleep to come over her.

Just as she was about to fade off, she felt her bunk shift and the bare torso of John O'Callaghan wrap around her. Too tired to say anything, she pecked his bare skin with her lips and finally drifted off to sleep.

++++

Waking up from the slumber, the soft hum and light shake of the bus let Edie know that they were on their way towards Orlando for the show. Glancing at her phone, it was almost ten in the morning, Edie knowing that most of the boys would be up in a few hours with killer hangovers.

She shifted in her bunk and prepared to get up for the day, starting with a cup of coffee, when a voice from the front lounge startled her.

“What do you mean you guys haven't slept together yet?!” It was the sound of Max Sisson, one of John's oldest friends and their current tour manager.

“Shhh, would you be fucking quiet? Fuck.” John said in a hushed tone as Edie laid back down in her bunk, trying her best to listen in on their conversation, the rumbling of the bus making it hard.

“Sorry man, but you guys have been together for months. I mean, you and Aly were having sex before you even made your relationship official. There-”

“Well, its different with Edie, okay?” John sounded irritated, his raspy voice giving away that he just woken up.

“How is it different, dude?” There was a long pause as John tried to muster up words to speak to Max. But frankly, he didn't even know why they hadn't slept together yet.

“Its hard to explain, okay?” Edie listened as Max let out a low chuckle, the sound of coffee cups hitting the table in the background.

“So you are trying to tell me that you guys haven't done anything since you've started dating?” There was a short pause before Max laughed slightly.

“John O'Callaghan hasn't gotten laid in this long? How are you surviving?” Edie could feel her eyes welling up with tears, hoping that John would put an end to Max making fun of her and their sex life. John had told her so many times that he was willing to wait, she didn't realize having sex meant that much to him.

“I don't even know to be honest. I won't lie, I find myself going insane sometimes. There have been a few times, like last night, where we got kind of close and then she just stops it. I-”

“I can only imagine how many times you have gotten blue balls, dude. The John I know is used to hitting it and quitting it.”

“Well, she was really drunk the other night and kind of threw herself at me, but it didn't feel right so I stopped it.” Edie felt her body shake with pain at the memory of that night, a moment that made her feel so ashamed of herself.

“We need to get your laid fast, dude. Just get her really drunk again or something.” Edie listened as John laughed along with Max, the tears finally spilling over. She was a fucking joke to them. They were stripping her of her dignity over fucking breakfast. She felt sick to her stomach. Was that all she was to him – just something to fuck and tell his friends about?

She felt around in her bunk for her headphones, plugging them into her phone and shutting out the chatter coming from the front lounge as tears fell from her eyes. It seemed like Edie had been doing more crying than eating lately.