'Cause the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You.

I wished I had a girlfriend. Or boyfriend. Either one, cause I wasn't picky. Maybe a boyfriend other than a girlfriend. I wished he lived in my cupboard on a coat hanger. Whenever I wanted, I could just get him out and he'd look at me like I was the whole world, as if I was beautiful. As if I was actually beautiful. He wouldn't speak that much, but he'd be breathing hard as he took off his leather jacket and unbuckled his jeans. He'd wear tight faded black pants and he'd be so gorgeous that I would faint. He'd take my clothes off too. He'd whisper, ' Gee, I love you. I really fucking love you. You're so beautiful it hurts Gee.' - exactly those words - as he undressed me.

I sit up and switch the bedside light on. There's a shirt and a pen, but no paper, so on the wall behind me I write, I want to feel the weight of someone special on top of me. I read it in my head then read it out loud. It sounds and looks stupid so I cross out special. Then I lie back down and look up at the wall of my basement. I tried to make my room as exciting as I could. All different colors on each of the walls- sometimes paint and charcoal all at once, like my walls were bleeding out.

I have no clock in my basement, but I can tell it's dinner time. Probably sausages. It's Saturday so I bet it's definitely sausages. There'll be some mash potato or cabbage and probably some sauce too. If Mom is excited enough to. Mikey would probably sitting in Grandma's chair, watching the TV. He'll get into trouble for eating in fount of the TV and slowly walk back to the kitchen table. Mikey then will have a shower then won't even knock on my door as he asks if i want dinner tonight. I'll refuse the offer and Mom will come in later and give me a plate then smile and leave. She'll have a shower then go to bed.
She came up to see me earlier. She walked around and picked up some clothes.

" Look at that!" she said as she dug her feet into my carpet. She then stood there, looking at me, hands on her hips. She looked like a Power Ranger. Could probably do as much damage too

" If you won't talk about it, how can I help you?" she said, and she came over and sat on the edge of my bed, kicking my bat belt to the side. I held my breath. If you do it long enough, white lights dance in front of your eyes. She reached over and stroked my head, her fingers gently massaging my bare scalp.

" Breath, Gerard" she whispered.

Instead, I grabbed a shirt from the bedside table and yanked it on right over my eyes.

She went way then.

Now she's probably upstairs frying sausages. I can hear Mikey's feet. For a skinny boy he sure knows how to stomp. I'm not even sure I should be able to hear that from all the way upstairs, but nothing surprises me anymore. Mikey came back from school. That Bastard. Now there's muted talking. Probably about me.
Sure enough ten minutes later Mikey entered my room. I pretended to be asleep, which doesn't stop him.
He leans right in and whispers, " I don't care even if you never speak to me again". He's so close I can feel some of the cold steel of his glasses. I don't respond. I hear him pick up my bat belt, and I snap open my eyes.

"Knew you were faking, " he said with a lovely smug smile . " Mom wants to know if you're commin' upstairs for dinner .'' He drops the belt and it lands with a few clanks.

" No. Never"

" What should I tell her? "

" I want to have a Smashing Pumpkin's concert in my basement."

He laughs. " I'm gonna miss you Gee," He says and leaves me with the door open and a light coming in from up stairs.