'Cause the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You.

Mom says, " Hey, you're up! " Then she notices the tight jeans and shirt I'm wearing and her lips tighten. " Let me guess. Your seeing Linsdey? "

" Anything wrong with that? "

She pushes vitamins to me across the kitchen table. " Don't forget these. "

You'd think that she'd bring them up to me in a tray, but she wouldn't bother today. You think it'd make her happy, but she just sits there watching me swallow pill after pill. All washed down with unprocessed orange juice and a teaspoon of unrefined honey. Yum. I slide the containers back to mom's direction with a smile. She stands up, takes them to the sink and clunks it down.

" I thought that you were feeling some nausea and pain yesterday. "

" I'm fine, " I tell her." Nothing hurts today. "

" Don't you think it might be wise to rest. "
Which is dangerous territory, so I change the subject rapidly and turn my attention to Mikey, who is mashing his cornflakes into a soggy pile. He also looks glum as Mom.

" What's wrong with you? " I say.

" Nothing. "

" It's Saturday! Aren't you supposed to be glad about that? "

He looks fiercely at me. " You don't remember, do you? "

" Remember what? "

" You said you'd take me shopping, half way through school. You said you'd bring your credit card. " He's not wearing his glasses today. " I knew you bloody wouldn't! "

" I didn't say that, Mike's, but I can't today. " He looks at me furiously.

So then I have to, because it's the rules. Number two on my list is simple. I must say yes to everything for one whole day. Whatever it is and whoever asks it of me. I look down at Mikey's hopeful face as we step out through the gate and suddenly I feel a lurch of fear.

" I'm going to text Lindsey, " I tell him. " Tell her we're on our way. "

He tells me he hates Lindsey, which is tough, because I need her. Her energy. The fact that things happen when she's around.
Mikey says, " I want to go on the playground. "

" Aren't you a bit old for that? "

" No. It'll be fun. Can we? "

" Yes. "

Yes to everything you say, Mikey, but first I want to feel the air circle my face. I want to watch the curve of the earth as we slowly shift around the sun.

" I told you it would be fun. " Mikey's face is shining with good humor " Let's go on everything else. "
There's a que at the swings, so we go on the seesaw. I'm still heavier than him, still his big brother, and I can slam my legs on the ground so he bounces high and screams with laughter as he fall back hard on his bum. He'll have bruises, but he doesn't care.

Say yes, just say yes.

We go everywhere - the little house at the top of the ladder in the sandpit, where we just fit in. The motorbike on the giant spring, which veers right when I sit on it. There's a wooden beam and we pretend we're gymnast, a monkey bar, and a hopscotch. Then back to the swings. I beat Mikey to the only one available. My shirt flashes high. It makes me laugh. It makes me lean back even higher. Maybe if I swing high enough, the world will be different.
I don't see Lindsey arrive. But Mikey does. He points her out and she's leaning against the entrance of the playground watching us. She might've been there for ages. She's wearing her sniper jacket again with a skirt that only just covers her bum.

" Morning, " she says as we join her. " I see you started without me. "

I feel myself blush. " Mikey wanted me to go on the swings. "

" And you had to say yes, of course. "

" Yes. "

She looks thoughtfully at Mikey. " We're going to the markets, " she tells him. " We're going to buy things and talk about guys have sex, so you're going to be really bored. "

He looks up at her crossly. " I wanna go to the guitar shop. "

" Good. Off you go then. See you later. "

" He has to come with us, " I tell her. " I promised him. " She sighs and walks off.
Mikey and me find ourselves following. Lindsey was the only girl at school who wasn't afraid of my illness. She still is the only person I know who walks down the street as muggings never happen, as if people never get stabbed, buses never mount pavements, illness never strikes. Being with her is like being told they got it wrong and I'm not dying, someone else is, and it's all a mistake.

" Wiggle, " she calls over her shoulder. " Move those hips, Gerard. "
The shirt isn't that tight but I do it anyway. Surprisingly I must of done good because a car had hooted.

" Why do you have to do what she says? " Mikey asks.

" I just do. "

Lindsey's delighted. She waits for us to catch up and links arms with me.
" You're forgiven. " she says.

" For what? "

She lean in closely. " For being so horrid about your fuck. "

" I wasn't! "

" Yeah, you were. But it's OK. "

" It's rude to whisper! " Mikey says.

She pushes him ahead of us, pulls me closer as we walk.
" So, " she says. " How far are you prepared to go? Would you get a tattoo if I asked? "

" No. I'm afraid of needles. " Fear does not count in this. And it never will.

" Pfftt. Would you take drugs? "

" I want to take drugs! "

" Would you tell that man that you love him? "
The man she points out is bald and older than my Dad. He's coming out of a news agency and ripping his cellphone from his pocket.

" Yes. "

" Go on then. "
The man is tapping his fingers on his phone when I approach him. I walk up to him and he turns, half smiling, maybe expecting someone he knows.

" I love you. " I say.
He frown, then notices Lindsey giggling. " Piss off, " he says. " Bloody idiot. "

It's hilarious. Me and Lindsey hold onto each other and laugh. Mikey just grins at us in despair.