'Cause the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You.

The markets are heaving with people. People everywhere moving together as a whole.

" Matt's a lying bastard, " Lindsey says.

" Who? "

" Matt. He said he worked a stall, but he's not here. "

" Stoner Boy? When did he tell you that? "
She looks at me like I'm completely insane and walks off. She goes over to a man behind a fruit stall and leans over boxers of bananas to talk to him. He's only paying attention to her chest.

" What's she doing? " Mikey pipes up.

" Shut up, " I tell him, because nowhere in the rules does it say I have to be glad about what I do. I hate this. I want to go home. I'm sooking. I decide to change the rules so that I can only say yes to things that are free.

" Gera- " Mikey starts. But Lindsey's older and has a much louder voice.

" I've found Matt. He was here after all. Ray's with him. Come on. "

" As we edge our way through the crowd, Lindsey tells me that she's seen Matt a few times since we went round to their house, " She doesn't look at me when she says this.

" Why didn't you say so? "

" You've been out of action for weeks! Anyway I thought you'd be pissed off. "
It's quite shocking to see them in daylight, standing behinds a stall that smells like toasters and clocks. They look older than I remember.
Lindsey goes around the back to talk to Matt. Ray nods at me.

" Alright? " he says.

" Yeah. "

" Doin' some shoppin'? "
He looks different sweaty and vaguely embarrassed. He has a rainbow band around his right wrist.

" Do you want some batteries? " he asks. He doesn't quite look me in the eyes." You don't have to pay. " There's something about the way he says it, as if he's doing me an enormous favor, as if he's sorry for me and want's to show he's a decent guy - it tells me he knows. Lindsey told him. I can see the guilt and pity in his eyes. He fucked a dying boy and now he's afraid. I might be contagious; my illness brushed his shoulder and may lie and sink in him.

" Do you want some then? " He picks up a packet and waves them at me.

" Yes, " comes out of my mouth. The disappointment of the word has to be swallowed down hard as I take his stupid batteries and put them in my bag.

Mikey nudges me hard in the ribs. " Can we go now? "

" Yes. "

Lindsey has her arms around Matt's waist. " No! " she says. " We're going back to their place. They get lunch in half an hour. "

" I'm taking Mikey across town. "

Lindsey smiles as she comes over. She looks lovely, as if Matt's warmed her up. " Aren't you supposed to say yes? "

" Mikey asked first. "

" They have some Afghan Kusch back at their place. It's all arranged. Bring Mikey if you want. They'll have something, like, a PlayStation or something. "

" You told Ray, told him about me. "

" I didn't. " She just blushes.

I can just imagine how she did it. She went around to their house and made them roll a joint and she insists on taking the first toke, inhaling deeply as the boys watch her. The she would of shuffled next to Matt and said, " Hey do you remember Gerard? ". And then she told them. She might even have cried. I bet Matt put his arm around her. I bet Ray grabbed the joint and inhaled so deeply so that he didn't have to think about it. About me.
I grab Mikey's hand and steer him away. Away from Lindsey, away from the market. I pull him down the steps at the back of the stalls and onto the path that follows to a near by river.

" Where are we goin', Gee? " Mikey wines.

" Shut up. "

" You're scaring me. "

I look down at his face and I don't care.
I have this dream sometimes that I'm walking round at home, just in and out of rooms, and no one in my family recognizes me. I pass Mom in the hall and she nods at me politely, as if I've come to clean the house as if it's actually a hotel and not a home. Mikey stares at me suspiciously and I go to my basement. Inside all my things have gone, and there's another boy there instead of me, a boy wearing my favorite belt and has a hot cup of coffee in one hand. His cheeks are flushed as firm.
I think it's my parallel life. The one where I'm healthy, where Ray would of been glad to meet me.

In real life, I drag my brother along the path towards a cafe that's near the Jersey river.
" It's all good. We are goin' to have ice cream and Coke and Chocolate. "

" You're not supposed to have sugar. I'm telling Mom. "

I grip his hand even harder. " I want to go home. " Mikey wines.

I hear stamping so I know its Lindsey.
" Go away, " I tell her without even turning around.

She grabs my arm. " Why does everything have to be such a big deal with you? "

I push her off. " I don't know Lindsey. Why do you think. "

" It's not like it's a secret. Loads of people know you're ill. Ray didn't mind, but now he thinks you're a complete weirdo. "

" I am a complete weirdo. "

She looks at me with narrowed eyes. " I think you like being sick. "

" You think? "

" You can't bear to be normal."

" Yeah, you're right, it's great. Wanna swap? "

" Everybody dies, " she says, like its' something she's only just thought of and wouldn't mind for herself.
There's a man in the river next to us. And he's singing. We both catch glances at each other. He smiles and my spine tingles.

" Good for a swim, guys? " he calls.

" Get in with him, " Lindsey says. " Why don't you? "

" Are you telling me to? "

She grins at me maliciously " Yes. "
I glance at the tables outside the cafe. People are gazing this way. They'll think I'm a junkie, a psycho, a nut case. I roll up my jeans to my thighs.
" What are you doing? " Mikey hisses. " Everyone's looking! "

" Pretend you're not with me then. "

" I will! " He sits stubbornly on the grass as I take off my shoes.
I dip in my big toe. The water's so cold that my whole leg creeps with numbness.
Lindsey touches my arm. " Don't, Gee. I didn't mean it. Don't be stupid. "

Doesn't she get it at all?
I launch myself up to my thighs and ducks quack away in alarm. It's not deep, a bit muddy. That's Jersey river for ya'. I block the whole world out and try to keep a float.

A man comes out of the cafe waving a tea towel. " Hey! " he shouts " Get out of there! " He's wearing an apron and his stomach wobbles as he leans down to help me.

" Are you crazy? " He says. " You could get sick from that water. " He turns to Lindsey. " Are you with him? "

" I'm sorry. " She says. " I couldn't get him outta there. " She swings her hair about so he'll understand it's not her fault. I hate that.

" She's not with me. " I tell him. " I don't know her. "
Lindsey's face slams shut and the cafe man turns back to me confused. He hands me the tea towel and tells me I'm crazy. As he shouts I watch Lindsey walk away. She get's smaller and smaller until she disappears. Lot's of people are staring at me when I finish.

" What are you doing? " Mikey whispers.
I'm going to miss him so much it makes me want to hurt him. It also makes me want to take him home and give him to Mom before I lose us both. But home is dull. I can say yes to anything there because Mom won't ask me to do anything real. the sky changes from dull grey to sunny and back again in a moment.

" Let's get a bus, " I say.
I stand up straighter and step back into my shoes. People pretend not to look at me, but I can feel their gaze.
It makes me feel alive.