Status: Completed
'Cause the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You.
This Is How I Dissapear
" Is it true? " Mikey asks as we walk to the bus stop. " Do you like being ill? "
" Sometimes, Mikes. "
" Is that why you jumped in the water? "
I stop and look at him. He hasn't got his glasses on today and his eyes are so big.
" I jumped because I've made a list of things I want to do. Today I have to say yes to everything. "
He thinks about this, takes a few seconds to work out the implications, then grins wide. " So whatever I ask you to do, you have to say yes. "
" And...? "
We get the first bus that comes. We sit up the back.
" Ok, " Mikey whispers. " Stick you're tongue out at that man. "
" That's a bit childish." But I remember it's Mikey, my younger brother and I do it before he talks back. He's joyed when i do.
" Blow kisses at those boys. "
" It will be more fun if you do it with me. "
We wave at everyone, We pull faces, we say dick, bum and shit. By the time we're almost the last ones we get off. Everyone hates us, but we don't care.
" Where are we going? " Mikey says.
" Shopping. "
" Have you got a credit card? "
" Yes. "
We end up getting a Hover Copter, capable of mid air launch which fly's up to ten feet. Mikey tries it outside of the shop. We walk behind it, dazed by it's mulch-colored lights, all the way to Hot Topic. We enter and try on almost everything.
I try on the same slim-legged pre-washed jeans Lindsey has and leave my wet ones in the dressing room.
" Cool, Gee. " Mikey says, complimenting me. I fell small.
He holds up a black shirt with a man in the middle. He looks familiar and he's standing in the middle of squished pumpkins. Its a Smashing Pumpkin's shirt. I'm in love. Mikey's holding two and I buy both.
The headache begins in McDonald's. It's like somebody suddenly scalps me with a spoon and digs about inside my brain. I feel dizzy and sick as the world presses in. I take some paracetamol, but I know it'll only take the edge off.
Mikey says, " You okay? "
" Yes. "
He knows I'm lying. He's full of food and as satisfied as a king, but his eyes are scared. " I want to go home. "
I have to say yes. We both pretend it's not because of me.
We walk out of the Center and Mikey fixes us a cab. I hold onto a wall to keep myself steady. I will not end this day with a transfusion. I will not have obscene needles in me at all today.
In the cab, Mikey's hand is small and friendly and it fits neatly into mine. I try and savor the moment. He doesn't often volunteer to hold my hand.
" Will we get into trouble? " he says.
" What can they do? "
He laughs. " So we can have this day again? I have the perfect idea. "
As soon as I say 'sure' he lets go of my hand and I feel imbalanced. Mikey folds out a piece of paper and the colors on it make me dizzy.
" It's a Smashing Pumpkins concert, Gee. Let's go." He considers this before saying
" I'll take you. " he whispers so quietly I can barely hear him. He places the poster in my lap and grasps my hand harder.
He babbles on about the possibilities of that concert and my head get's louder. Light bounces off the windows in the cab. Bright and close. It feels like a hundred fires burning.
" Sometimes, Mikes. "
" Is that why you jumped in the water? "
I stop and look at him. He hasn't got his glasses on today and his eyes are so big.
" I jumped because I've made a list of things I want to do. Today I have to say yes to everything. "
He thinks about this, takes a few seconds to work out the implications, then grins wide. " So whatever I ask you to do, you have to say yes. "
" And...? "
We get the first bus that comes. We sit up the back.
" Ok, " Mikey whispers. " Stick you're tongue out at that man. "
" That's a bit childish." But I remember it's Mikey, my younger brother and I do it before he talks back. He's joyed when i do.
" Blow kisses at those boys. "
" It will be more fun if you do it with me. "
We wave at everyone, We pull faces, we say dick, bum and shit. By the time we're almost the last ones we get off. Everyone hates us, but we don't care.
" Where are we going? " Mikey says.
" Shopping. "
" Have you got a credit card? "
" Yes. "
We end up getting a Hover Copter, capable of mid air launch which fly's up to ten feet. Mikey tries it outside of the shop. We walk behind it, dazed by it's mulch-colored lights, all the way to Hot Topic. We enter and try on almost everything.
I try on the same slim-legged pre-washed jeans Lindsey has and leave my wet ones in the dressing room.
" Cool, Gee. " Mikey says, complimenting me. I fell small.
He holds up a black shirt with a man in the middle. He looks familiar and he's standing in the middle of squished pumpkins. Its a Smashing Pumpkin's shirt. I'm in love. Mikey's holding two and I buy both.
The headache begins in McDonald's. It's like somebody suddenly scalps me with a spoon and digs about inside my brain. I feel dizzy and sick as the world presses in. I take some paracetamol, but I know it'll only take the edge off.
Mikey says, " You okay? "
" Yes. "
He knows I'm lying. He's full of food and as satisfied as a king, but his eyes are scared. " I want to go home. "
I have to say yes. We both pretend it's not because of me.
We walk out of the Center and Mikey fixes us a cab. I hold onto a wall to keep myself steady. I will not end this day with a transfusion. I will not have obscene needles in me at all today.
In the cab, Mikey's hand is small and friendly and it fits neatly into mine. I try and savor the moment. He doesn't often volunteer to hold my hand.
" Will we get into trouble? " he says.
" What can they do? "
He laughs. " So we can have this day again? I have the perfect idea. "
As soon as I say 'sure' he lets go of my hand and I feel imbalanced. Mikey folds out a piece of paper and the colors on it make me dizzy.
" It's a Smashing Pumpkins concert, Gee. Let's go." He considers this before saying
" I'll take you. " he whispers so quietly I can barely hear him. He places the poster in my lap and grasps my hand harder.
He babbles on about the possibilities of that concert and my head get's louder. Light bounces off the windows in the cab. Bright and close. It feels like a hundred fires burning.