'Cause the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You.

It's dark when I wake up and I can't remember anything. It freaks me out. For maybe ten seconds I struggle with it, kicking against the twisted sheets, convinced I've been kidnapped.
It's Mom who rushes to my side, soothes me head, whispers my name over and over like a magic spell.
And then I remember. I jumped into a river, I persuaded Mikey to join me on a ridiculous spending spree and now I'm in a hospital. But the moment of forgetting makes my heart best as fast as a rabbit's, because I actually forgot who I was for a minute. I became no one, and I know it'll happen again.

Mom smiles at me. " Do you want some water? " she says. " Are you thirsty? "

She pours me a glass from the jug, but I shake my head at it and she sets it down on the table.
" Does Lindsey know I'm here? "

She fumbles in her jacket and takes out a pack of cigarettes. She goes over to the window and opens it. Cold air edges in.

" You can't smoke in here, Mom. "
She shuts the window and puts the cigarettes back in her pockets. " No, " she says.
" I suppose not. " She comes back to sit down, reaches for my hand. I wonder if she too has forgotten who she is.

" I spent a lot of money, Mom. "

" I know. It doesn't matter. "

" I don't think the card would actually do that. In every shop I thought they would refuse it, but they never did. I got the receipts though, so we can take it all back. "

" Hush, " she says. " It's OK. "

" Is Mikey alright? "

" He'll survive. He's a Way isn't he? He's outside with your Dad. "

Never in the four years, have all three of them visited me at the same time. I feel suddenly frightened.
They walk in so seriously, Mikey clutching Dad's hand, Dad looking out of place, Mum holding the door open. All three of them stand by the bed gazing down at me. It feels like a premonition of a day that will come. Later. Not now. A day when I won't be able to see them looking, to smile, or tell them to stop freaking me out and sit themselves down.
Dad pulls a chair close, leans over and kisses my head. The familiar smell of him - the washing powder he uses, the smell of shaving cream at his throat - makes me want to cry.

" You made me scared! " he says, and he shakes his head at me like he cant believe it.

" I was scared too! " Mikey whispers. " You collapsed in the cab and the man thought you were drunk. "

" Did he? "

" I didn't know what to do. He said we'd have to pay extra if you puked. "

" Did I puke? "

" No. "

" So did you tell him to piss off? "

Mikey smiles, but it wavers at the edges. " No. "

" Do you want to come sit on the bed? " He shakes his head.
" Hey, Mikes, don't cry! Come and sit on the bed with me. We'll think of all the things we brought. "

But he sits on Dad's lap instead. I don't' think I've ever seen him do this. I'm not sure Mom has either. Even Mikey seems surprised. He turns into him and sobs for real. He strokes his back, sweeping circles with his hand. Mom watches him do this. I wonder if he knows she's looking.
Dad try to lighten the mood and launches into a story about his spoiled sister Sarah and a pony called Tango. Mom laughs and tells him he can hardly complain of a deprived childhood. He teases her then, telling us how he turned his back on a wealthy family in order to slum it down by marrying Mom.

It's lovely listening to them talk together, their worlds gliding into each other. My bones don't ache so much with the three of them so close. Perhaps if I keep really still, they won't notice the pale moon outside the window, or hear the med trolley come rattling down the corridor. They could stay the night. We could be rowdy, telling jokes and stories until the sun comes up.
Eventually Dad says, " Mikey's tired. I'll take him home now. " he turns to Mom. " I'll see you there. "

He kisses me goodbye and nods to Mom. And then they're gone.
" Is he staying at ours? " I ask Mom.

" It seems to make sense just for tonight. "

He bends forward on the chair and takes my hand. " You know, " he says. " When you were a baby I used to watch you at night, to see if you were breathing. Then your Dad would watch with me. We were convinced you'd forget how to breath if we stopped looking. " There's a shift in her hands, making her hands seem even softer. " You can laugh at me, but it's true. It get's easier as your children get older, but it never goes away. I worry about you all the time. "

" Why are you telling me this? "

She sighs. " I know you're up to something. Mikey told me about some list you've made. I need to know about it, not because I want to stop you, but because I want to keep you safe, Gerard. "
" Isn't that the same thing? "

" No I don't think so. It's like you're giving the best of yourself away Gerard. To be left out hurts so much. "

Her voice trails off. Is that really what she wants? To be included? But how can I tell her about Ray and his narrow single bed? How can I tell her that it was Lindsey who told me to jump, and that I had to say yes? Drugs are next. And after drugs, there are still seven things left to do. If I tell her, she'll take it away. I don't want to spend the rest of my life huddled in a blanket on the sofa with my head on my Mom's shoulder. The list is the only thing keeping me going.