'Cause the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You.

I thought it was morning, but it isn't. I thought the house was this quiets because everyone had gotten up and gone out. It's only six o'clock though, and I'm stuck with the muffled light of dawn.

I get a packet of cheese nibbles from the kitchen cupboard and sit at the table and turn on the radio. A body is found in the Newark river. Again. I turn it off - it's like listening to a cartoon.
I walk to the cupboard near the door and grab a coat out, listening to all the sounds the morning brings. It's seventeen minutes past six. Maybe something different will be out in the garden - a wild buffalo, a spaceship, mounds of red roses made for me. I open the back door really slowly, begging the world to bring me something startling and new. but it's all horribly familiar - empty flowerbeds, soggy grass and no animal tracks anywhere.

I text Lindsey one word: DRUGS!!!

She doesn't text back. She's at Matt's, I bet, hot and happy in his arms. They came to visit me at the hospital, sat together on one chair like they got married and I missed it. They brought me some lollies and a Halloween torch from the market.

" I've been helping Matt on the stall, " Lindsey said.
All I could think of was how quickly the end of October had come, and how the weight of Matt's arm across her shoulder was slowing her down. A week has gone since then. Although she's texted me every day, she doesn't seem interested in my list any more.
Without her, I guess I'll just stand here on the step and watch the clouds gather and burst. Water will run in lines against the kitchen window and another day will begin to collapse around me. Is that living? Is it even anything?
A door opens and shuts next door. There's a heavy tread of boots on mud. I walk across and stick my head over the fence
.
" Hello again! "
Frank puts his arm to his chest as if I gave him a heart attack. " Jesus! You scared me! "

" Sorry. "

He's not dressed for gardening. He's wearing jeans and a long-sleeved green shirt with a black jacket that looks too big for him. He's carrying a motorcycle helmet.

" Are you going out? "

" Yeah. "

We both look at his bike. It's by the shed. It's red and silver. It looks as if it'd bolt if you let it free.
" It's a nice bike. "
He nods. " I just got it fixed. "
" What was wrong with it? "

" It just got knocked over and the fork got twisted. Do you know about bikes? "

I think about lying, but it's the kind of lie that could catch you out very quickly. " Not really. I've always wanted to go on one though. "

He gives me an odd look. It makes me wonder what I look like. Yesterday I looked like a smack-head because my skin to be turning yellow. I put an earring in my right ear last night to try and counteract the effect, but I forgot to check my face this morning. Anything could of happen during the night. I feel a bit uncomfortable with him looking at me like that.
" Listen, " he says. " There's something I should probably tell you. "

I can tell by the discomfort in his voice what it'll be, and I want to save him from it.
" It's all right. " I say. " My Mom can't contain it. She's a real blabbermouth. Even strangers look at me with pity these days. "

" Really? " He looks startled. " It's just I haven't seen you around for ages, so I asked your brother if you were OK. It was him who told me. "

I look down at my feet, a patch of lawn in front of mt feet, at the gap between the grass and the bottom of the fence.

" I thought you had diabetes. You know, when you fainted that time. I didn't realize. "
" No. "

" I'm sorry. I mean I was very sorry when he told me. "

" Yes. "

" It felt important to tell you. "

What? that I had cancer? " Thanks. "

Our words sound very loud they take up all the room in my head and sit echoing back at me. Eventually I say, " People tend to get abit freaked when they find out, like they just can't bear it. " He nods as if he knows this. " But it's not as if I'm going to drop dead this very second. I've got a whole list of things I want to do first. "
I didn't know I was going to tell him this. It surprises me. It also surprises me when he smiles.
" Like what? "

I'm certainly not telling him about Ray or about jumping in the river. " Well drugs are next. "

" Drugs? "

" Yeah and I don't mean aspirin. "

Frank laughs. " No, I didn't think you did. "

" My friends going to get me some E. "

" Ecstasy? You should take mushrooms, they're better. "

" They make you hallucinate, don't they? I don't want vampires rushing at me. "

" You'll feel dreamy not trippy. "
That's not very reassuring because I don't think my dreams are like other peoples. I end up in desolate places that are hard to get back from. I wake up hot and thirsty.

" I can get you them if you want. " he says.

" You can? "

" Today if you like. "

" Today? "

" No time like the present. "

" I promised my friend that I wouldn't do anything without her. "

He raises his eyebrow. " That's a lot to promise. "

I look away and up to the house. Mom'll be up soon. Mikey will be off to school.
" I could ring her ask if she wants to come over. "

He zips up his jacket. " All right. "

" Where are you going to get them from? "

A slow smile lifts the edges of Frank's mouth. " One day I'll take you out on the bike and show you. " He backs down the path, still smiling.
I'm held by his eyes, hazel green in this early light.