Status: Completed

'Cause the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You.

I'm Not Okay (IPromise) Part I

The mall seems bigger then the last time I was here, with Mikey buying tee-shirts. But that's not what I'm here for today, and I haven't got Mikey with me. It's nearly school kick-out time and it's kind of busy.

" Take a basket. " Lindsey says as we enter a supermarket. " And watch out for store detectives. "

" Detectives?! What do they look like?! "

" They look like as if they're at work! "
I walk slowly, savoring the details. It's ages since I've been in a supermarket. At the deli they have little saucers on top of the counter. I ask for two pieces of cheese and some olives. I realize I'm starving so I help myself to a handful of cherries at the fruit section. I munch on them as I walk.

" How can you eat so much? " Lindsey says " I feel sick just looking at you. "

She instructs me to put things that I don't want in the basket - normal things like tomato soup and cream crackers

" And in your coat. " she says, " you put things you want in there. "

" Like what? "

She looks exasperated. " I don't fucking know! Gee, There's a whole shop full of stuff. Take your pick. "

I choose a slim bottle of midnight black nail polish called house of wolves. I'm wearing Frank's jacket. It's got lots of pockets. It slips in easily.

" Great! " Lindsey says, " Law successfully broken. Can we go now? "

" Is that it? "

" Technically. "

" That's not anything! A runner from a cafe would have been more exciting. "
She sighs, checks her mobile. " Five more minutes then. " She sounds like my mom.

" And what about you? Are you just going to watch? "

" I'm your lookout. "

There's a person down the aisle we're in. But she's too busy stacking the shelves to notice the lube that carefully place in my pocket, or the small moisturizer. In my basket goes hydrating face cream. We leave to go to the pharmacy section.

" I'm good at this! " I tell Lindsey.

" Great! "
She's not even listening. Some outlook she is. She's fiddling about at the counter.
" Let's go to the chocolate aisle. It's next. "
But she doesn't answer, so I leave her to it.
It's not exactly Belgium, but the confectionery section has miniature boxes of truffles tied with sweet little ribbons. They're only a couple of bucks, so I grab two boxes and shove them in my pockets. A bikers jacket is very good for thieves. I wonder if Frank knows this.
At the end of the aisle, by the freezers, my pockets are bulging. I'm wondering how long Ben and Jerry would last in a coat when two girls I used to go to school with walk by. They stop when they see me, bend their heads close together and whisper. I'm about to text Lindsey to let her know she needs to help me when they come my way.

" Are you Gerard Way? " the blonde one says.

" Yeah. "

" Do you remember us? We're Juliet and Ella. " she makes it sound as if they only come in a pair. " You left in year Eleven, didn't you? "

" Ten. "
They both look at me expectantly. Don't they realize that they come from another planet - somewhere that spins much more slowly than mine - and that I have absolutely have nothing to say to them?

" How's it going? " Juliet says. Ella nods, as is she agrees entirely with a question. " Are you
still having all that treatment? "

" Not anymore. "

" So you're better? "

" No. "
I watch them understand. It starts in their eyes and spreads down their cheeks to their mouths. It's all so predictable. They won't ask any more questions, because there are no polite ones left. I want to give them permission to leave, but I don't know how.

" I'm here with Lindsey, " I say, because the silence goes on for too long. " Lindsey Balto. She was in the year above us. "

" Really? " Ella nudges her friend. " That's weird. She's the one I was telling you about. "
Juliet brightens at this, relieved that normal communications has resumed. " Is she helping you shop? " she sounds as if she's talking to a four-year-old.

" Not exactly. "

" Hey, look! " Juliet says. " There she is. Do you know who I mean now? "

Ella nods. " Oh, her! "

I'm begging to wish I hadn't said anything. I've got a horrible feeling about this. But it's too late now.
Lindsey doesn't look at all too pleased to see them. " What are you doing? "

" Talking to Gerard. "

" About what? "

" This and that. "

Lindsey looks at me suspiciously. " Are you ready to go? "

" Yeah. "

" Before you do " - Juliet touches Lindsey's sleeve - " is it true you're seeing Matt Pelisseier? "
Lindsey hesitates. " What is it to you? You know him? "

Juliet snorts, a soft noise with her nose. " Everyone knows him, " and she rolls her eyes at Ella. " Everyone. "
Ella laughs. " Yeah, he went out with my sister for about half an hour. "
Lindsey's eyes glitter. " Is that right? "

" Hey, listen, " I say. " Fascinating as this is, we've got to go now. I have to collect the invites for my funeral. "

That shuts them up. Juliet looks astonished. " Really? "

" Yeah, " I grab Lindsey's arm. " It's a shame I can't be there myself - I like parties! Text me if
you think of any good hymns! "
We leave them looking completely bewildered. Me and Lindsey go around the corner and stand in the kitchenware section, surrounded by stainless silver and cutlery.

" They're just idiots, Lyn. the don't know anything. "
She turns her attention to some tongs. " I don't want to talk about it. "

" Let's do something wild to cheer us up. Let's do as many illegal things we can in an hour! "
Lindsey smiles reluctantly. " We could burn Matt's house down. "

" You shouldn't believe what they say, Lindsey. "

" Why not? "

" Because you know him better than they do. "

I've never seen Lindsey cry, not ever. Not when she got her SAT results, not even when I told her my terminal diagnosis. I always thought she was incapable. But she's crying now. In the supermarket. She's trying to hide it, swaying her hair to cover her face.

" What? What is it? "

" I have to go and find him. " she says.

" Now? "

" I'm sorry. "

It feels very cold watching her cry, like how could she like Matt so much? She's only known him a few weeks.
" We haven't finished breaking the law yet. "
She nods; tears slip down her face. " Just dump the basket and walk out when you're done. I'm sorry. I can't help it. I have to go. "
I've been here before with exactly this view. Her retreating back, her hair swinging as she get's further and further away from me.
Maybe I'll burn her house down instead.
It's no fun without her though, so I put the basket down in a 'I can't believe I forgot my wallet' kind of way and stand scratching my head for a moment, before walking towards the door. But just before I get there I'm grabbed at the wrist.
I thought Lindsey said the store detectives would be easy to spot. I thought they would be dressed badly in s suit and tie, that they wouldn't wear a coat because they're inside all day. This man's wearing a denim jacket and close cropped hair. He says " Are you going to pay for those items inside your jacket. I have a reason to believe you have concealed items from aisles five and seven about your person. This was a witness by one of our staff. "
I take the nail polish from my pocket and hand it out to him. " You can have it back. "

" You need to come with me now. "

Heat spreads from my neck to my cheeks. " I don't want it. "

" You intended to leave the store without paying. " he says and pulls me by the arm.