'Cause the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You.

There's a dead bird in the backyard, it's legs thin as cocktail sticks. I'm sitting on a chair under a tree watching it.

" It definitely moved. " I tell Mikey.
He steps out from under the shade and goes over to look at it. " Maggots. " he says. " It can get so hot inside a dead body that the ones in the middle have to move to the edges to cool down. "

" How the hell do you know that? "
He shrugs. " The internet. " He nudges the bird with his shoe until it's stomach splits. Hundreds of maggots spill onto the grass and withe there, stunned by sunlight.

" See? " Mikey says, and he squats down and pokes at the with a stick. " A dead body is it's own Eco-system. Under certain conditions it only takes nine days for a human to rot down to the bones. " He looks at me thoughtfully. " That won't happen to you though. "

" No? "

" It's more when people are murdered and left outside. "

" What will happen to me, Mikey? "

I have a felling that whatever he says will be right, like he's some grand magician touched by cosmic truth. But he only shrugs and says, " I'll find out and let you know. " He goes off into the shed to find a shovel. " Guard the bird, Gee. " he says.

It's feathers ruffle in the breeze. It's very beautiful, black with a sheen of blue, like oil on the sea. The maggots are rather beautiful too. They panic on the grass.
That's when Frank walks across the yard.

" Hi ," he says. " How are you? "

I sit up straighter in my chair. " Did you just climb over the fence? "

He shakes his head. " It's broken down the bottom. "

He's wearing jeans, boots, a leather jacket. He's got something behind his back. " Here, " he says. He holds out a bunch of wild green leaves to me. Amongst them are bright orange flowers. They look like lanterns of baby pumpkins.

" For me? "

" For you. "

My heart hurts. " I'm trying not to acquire new things. "

He frowns. " Perhaps living things don't count. "

" I think they might count more. " He sits down on the grass next to my chair and puts the flowers between us. The ground it still wet. It will seep into him. It will make him cold. I don't tell him this. I don't tell him about the maggots either. I want them to creep into his pockets.
Mikey comes back with a gardening spade.

" You planting something? " Frank asks him.

" Dead bird, " he says, and he points to the place where it lies.

Frank leans over. " Oh, did your cat get it? "

" Didn't know we had a cat. I'm going to bury it though. " I glance and Mikey and score him one point for that. He finds a place near the fence and digs in.

Frank plucks a bit of grass and plays with it, still not looking at me. " I'm sorry about what I said the other day. "

" It's OK. "

" It didn't come out right. "

" Really, it's OK.We don't have to talk about it. "

He nods very seriously, still picking at the grass, still not looking at me. " You are worth bothering with. "

" I am? "

" Yeah. "

" So you want to be friends? "

He looks up. " If you do. "

" And you're sure there's a point to it? " I enjoy watching him blush, the confusion in his eyes. Maybe Mom's right, I'm turning into anger.

" I think there's a point. " he says.

" Then you're forgiven. " I hold my hand out and we shake on it. His hands are warm.

Mikey comes over and is slightly smeared in dirt. " The grave is ready. "
Frank helps roll the dead thing on the shovel. It looks stiff and heavy. I follow them to the grave.

" Should we say something? " Mikey says.

" Goodbye, bird? " I suggest.
He nods. " goodbye bird. Thank you for coming. " He scoops mud over the whole thing, but one eye shines at me.

" Get some rocks, Gee, then we can decorate it. " Mikey whispers.

I do as I'm told and wonder off to look. Frank stays with Mikey. He's chatting quietly to Mikey and sneaks look at me when he thinks I'm not looking.
I think he's trying to impress me.
There are two white stones that are almost perfectly round. Somehow there's a shell and I pick it up, as well as a red leaf. A small grey feather. I hold them in my hand. They're so lovely that I have to lean against the shed and close my eyes.
It's a mistake. It's like falling into darkness.
There's earth on my head. I'm cold.
I try and focus on good things, but it's hard to scramble out. Soft pain brushes against my fingertips. Mikey's first bass guitar. The look on Mikey's face when he found those Smashing Pumpkin shirts. Mikey. Mikey. Mikey. But all that is warm will go cold. My ears will melt and and my eyes will fall out. My mouth will be clamped shut. My lips will turn to glue.

Frank suddenly appears. " You alright? " he says.

I concentrate on breathing. In. Out. But breathing brings the opposite when you become aware of it. My lungs will dry up. Out. Out.
He touches my shoulder. " Gerard? "
No taste or smell or touch or sound. Nothing to look at. Total emptiness forever.
Mikey runs up. " What's wrong? "

" Nothing. "

" You look weird. "

" I got dizzy bending down. "

" Shall I get Mom? "

" No. "

" Are you sure? "

" Finish the grave, Mikey. I'll be OK. "
I give him the thing I collected and he scurries off. Frank stays. Breathe. In. Out.

Frank says, " What is it? "

How can I tell him?
He reaches out and touches my back with the flat of his hand. I don't know what this means. His hand is firm, moving in gentle circles. We agreed to be friends. Its this what friends do? His heat comes off his hand and into my back. My body becomes all sensation.

" Stop it. "

" What? "

I shrug him off. " Can't you just go away? "

There's a moment. It has sound in it, as if something very small got broken.

" You want me to go? "

" Yeah. And don't come back. "

He walks across the grass. He says goodbye to Mikey and goes back to the fence. Except for the bright flowers by the chair, it's as if he's never been here at all. I pick them up. I give them to Mikey.

" These are for the bird. "

" Cool! "

He lays them down and we both stand there looking at the grave.