'Cause the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You.

His breath wheezes out as he sits back down. He smells like ciggies. He shuffles paper.

I used to listen to Dakota King present the local news on my way to school. That time seems so long ago. One of the nurses in the hospital used to fancy him.

" OK," He says. " Here we go. Be as natural as you can. It’ll be very informal. " He turns to the microphone. " And now I’m honored to have as my guest in the studio today a very brave young man called Gerard Way. "
My heart beats fast as he says my name. Will Frank be listening? Or Lindsey? She might be lying on her bed with the radio on. Feeling nauseous. Half asleep.

" Gerard's been living with leukemia for the last four years and he’s come here today with his Mom to talk to us about the whole experience. "

Mom leans forward and Dakota, perhaps recognizing her willingness, asks her the first question.
" Tell us about when you first realized Gerard was ill, " Dakota says.

Mom loves that. She talks about the flu-like illness which lasted for weeks and didn’t ever seem to go away. She tells of how our GP didn’t routinely pick up the cause because leukemia is so rare.
" We noticed bruises, " She says. " Small bleeds on Gerard’s back, caused by a reduction of platelets. "
Mom’s a hero. She talks about having to give up her job, of the way our lives disappeared into hospitals and treatment.
" Cancer’s not a local illness, " She says, " But a disease of the whole body. Once Gee made the decision to stop the more aggressive treatments, we decided to manage in a holistic way at home. He’s on a special diet. It’s expensive to maintain, but I firmly believe it’s not the food in your life that brings health, but the life in your food that really counts. "

I’m stunned by this. Does he want people to phone up and pledge money for organic vegetables?
Dakota turns to me, his face serious. " You decided to give up treatment, Gerard? That sounds like a very difficult decision to make at sixteen. "

My throat feels dry. " Not really."

He nods as if he’s expecting more. I glance at Mom, who winks at me. " Chemo prolongs your life, " I say, " But it makes you feel bad. I was having some pretty heavy therapy and I knew if I stopped, I’d be able to do more things. "

" Your Mom says you want to be famous, " Dakota says. " That’s why you wanted to come on the radio today, isn’t it? To grab your fifteen minutes of fame? "

He makes me sound like one of those sad little girls who put an advert in the local paper because they want to be a bridesmaid at someone’s wedding, but don’t know any brides. He makes me sound like a idiot.

I take a deep breath. " I’ve got a list of things I want to do before I die. Being famous is on it. "

Dakota's eyes light up. He’s a journalist and knows a good story.
" Your Mom didn’t mention a list. "

" That’s because most of the things on it are illegal. "

He was practically asleep talking to Mom, but now he’s at the edge of his chair. " Really? Like what? "

" Well, I took my Mom’s car one day and drove off for the day without a license or having taken any test. "

" Ha, Ha!’ Dakota chuckles. ‘There go your insurance premiums, Mrs. Way!’ He nudges Mom to show he doesn’t mean it badly, but Mom simply looks bewildered. I feel a surge of guilt and have to look away.

" One day I said yes to everything that was suggested. "

" What happened? "

" I ended up in a river. "

" There’s an advert like that on TV, " Dakota says. " Is that where you got the idea? "

" No. "

" He nearly broke his neck on the back of a motorbike, " Mom interrupts. She wants to get us back onto safe territory. But this was her idea and she can’t get out of it now.

" I was almost arrested for shoplifting. I wanted to break as many laws as I could in a day. "

Dakota's looking a little edgy now. " Then there was sex. "

" Ah. "

" And drugs . . . "

" And rock ’n’ roll! " Dakota says breezily into his microphone.
" I’ve heard it said that being told you have a terminal illness can be seen as an opportunity to put your house in order, to complete any unfinished business. I think you’ll agree, ladies and gents, that here is a young man who is taking life by the horns. "

*-------*

We’re bundled out pretty sharpish. I think Mom’s going to have a go at me, but she doesn’t. We walk slowly up the stairs. I feel exhausted.

Mom says, " People might give money. It’s happened before. People will want to help you. "
My favorite Shakespeare play is Macbeth. When he kills the king, there are strange happenings across the land. Owls scream. Crickets cry. There’s not enough water in the ocean to wash away all the blood.

" If we raise enough money, we could get you to that fancy research institute. "

" Money doesn’t do it, Mom. "

" It does! We couldn’t possibly afford it without help, and they’ve had some success with their immunity build-up programme.’
I hold onto the banister. It’s made of plastic and is shiny and smooth
" I want you to stop, Mom. "

" Stop what? "

" Stop pretending I’m going to be all right. "