'Cause the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You.

" I’m Linda, " she says. "We’ve got a present for you too."
She hands over a carrier bag. Inside is a box of chocolates. It’s not even wrapped up. I get it out and turn it over on my lap.

Mikey passes her the juggling clubs. " Want to have a go? " She looks doubtful, but stands up anyway. " I’ll show you what to do, " He says.

Frank sits in her place next to me on the sofa. He leans in close and says, " I’m not freaked out. "
He smiles. I smile back. I want to touch him but I can’t, because Dad comes in, sherry bottle in one hand, carving knife in the other, and announces that dinner is served.

There’s mountains of food. Mom’s cooked turkey, roast and mashed potatoes, five different kinds of vegetables, stuffing and gravy.
I thought the adults would sit around discussing mortgages and being generally boring. But because Mom and Dad are a bit pissed, they’re gently silly with each other and it’s not awkward at all.
Even Linda can’t help smiling as Mom tells the story of how her parents thought Dad was too working-class and banned her from seeing him. She talks of private schools and coming-out parties, of how she regularly stole her sister’s pony and rode across town to the council estate to visit Dad at night.

He laughs at the memory. " It was only a little market town, but I lived right on the other side. That poor pony was so knackered on a Saturday night's. "

Mom tops up Linda’s wineglass. Mikey does a magic trick with the butter knife and his napkin.
Perhaps Linda’s medication allows her to touch alternative realities, because it’s really obvious how Mikey’s making the napkin move, but she looks at him in awe.
" Can you do anything else? " she asks

He’s delighted. " Loads. I’ll show you later. "

Frank’s sitting opposite me. My foot’s touching his under the table. Every bit of me is aware of this. I watch him eat. When he takes a sip of wine, I think of how his kisses might taste.

" Upstairs, " I tell him with my eyes. " Upstairs now. Let’s escape."
What would they do? What could they do? We could undress, get into my bed.

" Crackers! " Mum cries. " We forgot to pull the crackers! "
We cross arms and link up, a Christmas cracker chain round the table. Hats and jokes and plastic toys fly through the air as we pull.

Mikey reads his joke out. ‘What do you call Batman and Robin after they’ve been run over by a steamroller?’ Nobody knows. ‘Flatman and Ribbon!’ he cries.
Everyone laughs, except for Linda. Maybe she’s thinking about her dead husband. My joke’s stupid, about a man going into a bar, but it’s an iron bar and he gets a headache. Frank’s isn’t even a joke, but an observation that if the universe had appeared today, all of recorded history would have happened in the last ten seconds.

" That’s true, " Mikey says. " Human beings are really trivial compared to the solar system. "

" I think I might try to get a job in a cracker factory, " Mom says.

I watch as Dad he winks at Mom. They really have drunk way too much.

Linda touches her hair. " Shall I read mine out? "

We all shush each other. Her eyes are sad as she reads. " A duck goes into a chemist’s to buy some lipstick. The chemist says, “That’s fifty-nine pence.” The duck says, “Thank you, could you put it on my bill please?” ’
Mikey explodes with laughter. He throws himself off his chair onto the floor and waves his legs about. Mikey’s pleased, reads the joke out again. It is funny. It starts as a ripple in my belly, then moves up to my mouth.

Linda laughs too, a great gulping sound. She looks surprised to make such a noise, which makes Mum, Dad and Frank start to chuckle. It’s such a relief. Such a bloody relief. I can’t remember the last time I laughed out loud. Tears roll down my cheeks.

Frank passes me his napkin across the table.
" Here. "His fingers brush mine.
I wipe my eyes. Upstairs, upstairs. I want to run my hands along you. And I’m just about to say it out loud, just about to say, ‘I’ve got something for you, Frank, but it’s in my bedroom, so you’ll have to come and get it,’ when there’s a rap on the window.

It’s Lindsey, her face pressed against the glass. She wasn’t supposed to be here until tea time, and her parents were meant to be coming with her.
She brings in the cold. She stamps her feet on the carpet in front of us all. " Merry Christmas, everyone, " She says.
Dad raises his glass to her and wishes her the same. Mom gets up and gives her a hug.
Lindsey says, " Thank you. " Then she bursts into tears.

Mom gets her a chair and some tissues. From somewhere two mince pies appear with a large dollop of butter. Lindsey shouldn’t really have alcohol, but maybe the butter doesn’t count.

" When I looked through the window, " she sniffs, " It looked like something from an advert. I nearly went home. "

Mom says, " What’s going on, Lindsey? "

She stuffs a spoonful of pie and brandy butter into her mouth, chews quickly, then swallows it down. " What do you want to know? "

" Whatever you want to tell us. "

" Well, my nose is stuffed up and I feel like crap. Do you want to know about that? "

" That’s caused by an increase in HCG,’ I tell her. ‘It’s the pregnancy hormone. " There’s a moment’s silence around the table as everyone looks at me. " I read it in the Reader’s Digest. "

I’m not sure I should have said this out loud. I forgot that Frank, Mikey and Linda don’t even know Lindsey’s pregnant. None of them say anything though, and Lindsey doesn’t seem to mind, just shoves another load of pie into her mouth.

Dad says, ‘Has something happened at home, Lindsey? "

She carefully reloads her spoon. " I’ve told my parents. "

" You told them today? " He sounds surprised.

She wipes her mouth with her sleeve. " It might have been bad timing. "

" What did they say? "

" They said a million things, all of them terrible. They hate me. Everyone hates me in fact. Except for the baby. "

Mikey grins. " You’re having a baby? "

" Yeah. "

" I bet it’s a boy."

She shakes her head at him. ‘I don’t want a boy.’

Mom says, " But you do want a baby? " Se says this very gently.

Lindsay hesitates, as if she’s thinking about this for the very first time. Then she smiles at her, her eyes watery and amazed. I’ve never seen such a look on her face before. " Yes, " she says.
" I really think I do. I’m going to call her Lauren. "

She’s nineteen weeks pregnant, her baby is fully formed. If it were born now, it would fit into the palm of my hand. Its stomach would be pink-veined and transparent. If I spoke, it would hear me.

I say, " I’ve put your baby on my list. " I probably shouldn’t have said this out loud either. I didn’t really mean to. Once again, everyone stares at me.

Mom reaches out a hand and touches mine across the table.
" Gerard, " She says.

I hate that. I shrug her off. " I want to be there. "

Lindsey says, " It’s another five months, Gee. "

" So? That’s only a hundred and sixty days. But if you don’t want me there, I can sit outside and maybe come in afterwards. I want to be one of the first people in the world to ever hold her. "

She stands up and walks round the table. She wraps her arms around me. She feels different. Her tummy’s gone all hard and she’s very hot.

" Gerard, " she says, " I want you to be there."