'Cause the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You.

" Do you like beer? " Ray says.
He's leaning against the sink in his kitchen and I'm standing too close to him. I'm doing it on propose

" I just like some coffee thanks. "
He shrugs, clinks beer against my cup, and tips his head back to swig. I watch his throat as he swallows, notice a small scar under his chin, a thin ribbon from some long ago accident. He wipes his mouth with his sleeve, sees me staring.

" You OK? " he asks

" Yeah. You? "

" Yeah. "

"Good. "
He smiles at me. He has a nice smile, full of teeth. I'm glad. It would be so much harder if he was ugly.
Half an hour ago Ray and his mate Stoner Boy grinned at each other as they led me and Lindsey into their house. Thoes grins said they scored. Lindsey told them to not make assumptions, but she still walked into their lounge and she let Stoner take her jacket. She laughed at his jokes, accepted the joints he made for her and got steadily wrecked.
I can see her through the door. They've put music on, some soft rock. They've turned off the lights to dance, moving together in slow, stoned circles on the carpet. Lindsey has one hand in the air holding the joint, the other tucked into Stoner's belt at the back of hist pants. He has both arms wrapped around her so they appear to be holding each other up.
I suddenly feel sensible, drinking tea in the kitchen, and realize I need to get on with my plan. This is all about me, after all. I gulp my tea down, put the cup on the bench and move even closer to Ray. The tips of our shoes touch.
" Kiss me. " I say, which sounds ridiculous as soon as I say it, but Ray doesn't seem to mind. He puts down his beer and leans towards me.

We kiss gently, our lips only just brushing, only a hint of breath from him to me. I've always known I'd be good at kissing. I like to think I am anyway. I didn't know it would feel like this though, the softness of his chin against mine, his hands on my back, his tongue running along my lips and into my mouth. We kiss for minutes, pressing our bodies closer, leaning into each other. It's such a relief to be with someone who doesn't know me at all. My hands are brave, dipping into the curve where his spin ends and stroking him there. How healthy he feels. How solid. I open my eyes to see if he's enjoying it, but he just reals me back in. I grind myself closer to him. I can feel how hard he wants me because he's wearing jeans just like mine.

" Let's go upstairs. " he says. I don't hesitate to tell him OK. His hands feel heavy and soft as he laces our fingers together and leads me through the lounge to the stairs. Lindsey's kissing Stoner Boy. She has his back against the wall and her leg between his. They don't even break apart when we walk past. On the way through I snatch up Lindsey's bag and pull Ray tighter to me. " Let's go. " I say.
Ray goes first up the stairs - hips swaying to some sort of music only he can hear. I feel a bit strange, dizzy and slightly nauseous.

" In here, " he says
His bedroom's nothing special - a small room with a desk, a computer, scattered books on the floor, a chair, a black electric guitar and a single bed. On the walls are a few black and white posters - rock musicians mostly.
He looks at me looking at his room. " You can put your bag down" he says.
He picks up dirty clothes and chucks it on the floor, sits down and pats the space next to him. I don't move. Because if I sit down on that bed, then I need the lights off.

" Could you light that candle? " I say.
He opens a drawer, pulls out a tube and matches, get's up to light the candle on the desk. He turns off the main light and sits back down.
Here is a real breathing boy, looking up at me, waiting for me. This is my moment, but I can feel my chest ticking. Maybe the only way to get through this is without him thinking I'm a complete idiot is to pretend to be someone else. I decided to be Lindsey and undo the button and zip on my jeans.

He stands up. " Let me do that. "
His fingers are quick. He's done this before. Another boy, a different night. I wonder where he is now.
Ray taps my calf a I lift my feet up and step out of it. He lifts my shirt over my head and I stand before him in my boxers.

" What's that? " He frowns at the puckered skin on my chest.

" I was ill. "

" What's wrong with you? "
I shut him up with kisses.
I smell different now I'm practically naked - musky and hot. He tastes different - of smoke and something sweet. Life maybe.

" Aren't you taking your clothes off? " I ask in my best Lindsey voice.
He pulls up his T-shirt, over his face and chucks it on the floor and kisses me again. He tries to unbuckle his belt without looking, with only one hand, but can't do it. He pulls away, looking at me while he fumbles at his button and zipper. Ray steps out of his jeans and stands before me in his underwear. There's a moment when he's uncertain, and he hesitates, seems shy. I try and hive him something-anything to assure him.

" I've never done this before. " I say. " Not all the way with a guy."
The candle gutters and the lube on the bedside table shines.
He doesn't say anything for a second, then shakes his head like he can't believe it. " Wow, that's amazing. "
I nod.

" Come here. "
I bury myself in his shoulder and wish I was a girl, then maybe he will go easier and think I'm just that tad bit softer. He wraps his arms around me. He's warm. Two hours ago I didn't even know his name.
Maybe we don't have sex. maybe we could just lie down and snuggle up, find sleep in each others arms under the duvet. Maybe we'll fall in love. He'll hunt for a cure and I'll live forever.

But no. " Have you got condoms? " he whispers. " I've run out. "

I reach for Lindsey's bag and tip it upside down on the floor and he helps himself to the condom, and sits on the bed. Waiting for me.
I take of my boxers slowly. I've never been naked in front of a guy before. He looks at me like he wants to eat me but doesn't know where to start. I can hear my heart in my ears. He has trouble with his boxers, easing them over his hard-on.

" It'll be OK." he says he takes me by the hand and leads me to the bed, pulls down the duvet and we climb in. It's a boat. It's a den. It's somewhere to hide.
He snatches the lube of the bedside table." You're gonna love it." he says
We start to kiss, slowly at first, his fingers tracing the lines of my bones. I like it- how gentle we are with each other. Our slowness under the candle light. But it doesn't last, our kissing becoming deeper. His hands are busy now, touching and rubbing between my legs. He keeps saying ' oh yeah, oh yeah' but I don't think he's saying it to me.
" Look at me. " I tell him. " I need you to look at me."

" What? "

" I don't know what to do."
" You're fine." His eyes are dark, just like his skin. " Everything is fine. " And with that he goes back to kissing my neck.
He disappears and I can hear him squirting some lube on his fingers. I can feel his dry hand stroke my thigh, pushing them apart. His wet hand flicks between my legs and I gasp with shock, because no-one has done that to me before
" Alright. Here we go." He softly pushes a finger in and licks it around.
What's wrong with me that I don't know how to do this? I thought I'd know what to do, what would happen. But he's inserted another finger and my head is swimming. Everything's spiraling away from me, as if Ray's making me do it, when I'm supposed to be in charge.
He eases himself up the bed and sits up

" Alright? "
I nod.
He reaches over to the table where he left the condom. I watch him put it on. He does it quickly. He's a condom expert.

" Ready? "
I nod again. It seems rude not to.
He lies down, moves my legs apart with his, presses himself closer, his weight on top of me. Soon I'll feel him inside of me and I'll know what all the fuss is about. This was my idea.
I notice lots of things while the red neon numbers on his radio alarm move from 3:10 to 3:20. The door isn't shut properly. There's a strange shadow on the ceiling.
He supports himself with his arms, slowly moving above me, his face turned to the side, eyes shut tight. This is it. I'm living it now. Sex.

When it's finished, I lie under him feeling mostly silent and small. We stay like this for a bit, then he rolls off and peers at me through the dark.

" What is it? " he says " What's wrong? "
I can't look at him so I move closer, bury myself a deeper hole, hide in his arms. I know I'm making a big fool of myself, but I don't care. I'm sniffling all over him and I sound like a baby, and I can't stop, it's horrible.
He massages circles in my naked back and I haven't felt more vulnerable, ever. he whispers ' Shush' into my ear and eventually eases me away so he can see me.

" What is it? You're not going to say you didn't want it are you? "
I wiped my eyes with the duvet. I sit up, my feet dangling on the edge of the bed. I wish I could tell him - tell him how scared I am. It wouldn't make any difference to him though. I don't think words reach people. Maybe nothing does.
I reach down an grab my jeans, trying to cover my knees. The black jeans seems smaller than ever. Did I really go to a club looking like this?
I scramble the rest of my clothes and slip on my shoes, putting everything back into Lindsey's bag.
Ray say's " You don't have to go. " he's leaning up on his elbows. He seems darker as the candle flickers.

"I want to. "
He flings himself back onto the pillow. One arm hangs over the side of the bed, he shakes his head really slowly.
Lindsey's on the couch, asleep. So it Stoner Boy. They're lying together, their arms entwined, their faces close together. I hate that it's OK for her. She's even wearing his shirt. I kneel beside them and stroke Lindsey's arm lightly. She's warm. I stroke and stroke until she opens her eyes.

" Gee! " she whispers " Finished already? "
I nod, can't help smiling, which is weird. She untangles her body form Stoner Boy and sits up, surveying the floor.

" Well? " she says " How did it go? "

" OK. "

" Was he any good? "
I think of Ray upstairs, confused that I left. " I don't know. "
Lindsey inhales deeply and looks at me curiously. " You have to get use to it. You're a boy, Gerard. It's entirely different for me."
I sit there and think about it. About how, if I was a girl I'd feel courageous and fearless and sex would come easy.
Lindsey says " Have you left him up there? "

" I guess so. "

" That's a bit rude. You should go back and have another go. "

" I don't want to. "

" Well, we can't go home just yet. I'm wrecked. "

She picks up and old joint from the floor and lights it up. She settles herself next to Matt and shuts her eyes. I watch her for ages, the rise and fall of her breathing.
I don't know what I'm doing but I trot to the kitchen and put the jug on. There's a piece of paper on the counter. On it someone's written, Cheese, butter, beans, bread. I sit of one of the chairs at the kitchen table and I add, milk, Butterscotch chocolate, tomatoes. Perhaps I should be a little more realistic. I cross out the butterscotch chocolate and write, red tinsel, green tinsel, big Angel.

I like Christmas. It's one hundred and thirteen day's until Christmas.
I turn the piece of paper over and write, Gerard Way. A good name of three syllables, my mom always says. If I can fit my name on this piece pf paper over fifty times, everything will be alright. I write in very small letters, like a tooth fairy might write to answer a child's letter.
My wrist aches. The jug whistles. The kitchen fills with steam.