Status: Completed
'Cause the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You.
Sleep
The light begins to come back. The absolute dark fades at the edges. My mouth’s dry. The grit of last night’s medication lines my throat. The couch feels soft.
" Hey, " Frank says.
He’s got a hard-on, apologizes for it with a shy smile, then opens the curtains and stands at the window looking out. Beyond him, the dull pink clouds of morning.
" You’re going to be here for years without me, "I tell him.
He says, " Shall I make us some breakfast? "
Like a butler, he brings me things. A hot-water bottle. Slices of orange cut onto a plate. Another blanket. He puts cinnamon sticks to boil on the oven downstairs, because I want to smell Christmas.
How did this happen so quickly? How did it really come true?
Please get into bed and climb on top of me with your warmth and wrap me with your arms and make it stop.
" First it was a herb garden, then roses, now she wants honeysuckle." Frank says, " I might go out and give her a hand when your Mom comes to sit with you. Would that be OK? "
" Sure. "
" Do you want to sit outside again today? "
" No. " I can’t be bothered to move. The sun grinds into my brain and everything aches
Mikey crashes in. " Can I go out? "
Mom sighs. " Where? "
" Just out. "
" You need to be a bit more specific. "
" I’ll let you know when I get there. "
" Not good enough. "
" Everyone else is allowed randomly out. "
" I’m not interested in everyone else. "
Wonderful rage as Mikey stomps to the door. His body able to yank the door open and slam it behind him.
" You’re all such fucking bastards! " He yells as he races out the door.
.INSTRUCTIONS FOR MIKEY.
Don’t die young. Don’t get meningitis, or Aids or anything else ever. Be healthy. Don’t fight in any war, or join a cult, or get religion, or lose your heart to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Don’t think you have to be good because you’re the only one left. Be as bad as you like.
I reach out for Mom's hand. Her fingers look raw, as If they've been through a grater.
" What have you done? "
She shrugs. " I don't know. I didn't even notice. "
FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS FOR MOM- Let Mikey be enough for you.
I love you. I love you. I send this message through my fingers and into hers, up her arm and into her heart. Hear me. I love you. And I’m sorry to leave you.
How did that happen? I wake up hours later and Mikey's sitting next to me on the couch.
" Sorry I shouted. "
" Did Mom tell you to say that? "
He nods and I notice the curtains are open. The darkness is seeping through.
" Are you scared? " Mikey says this very softly, as if it’s something he’s thinking, but didn’t mean to say.
" I’m scared of falling asleep. "
" That you won’t wake up? "
" Yes. "
His eyes shine. " But you know it won’t be tonight, don’t you? I mean, you’ll be able to tell, won’t you? "
" It won’t be tonight. "
He rests his head on my shoulder. " I really, really hate this, " he says.
" Hey, " Frank says.
He’s got a hard-on, apologizes for it with a shy smile, then opens the curtains and stands at the window looking out. Beyond him, the dull pink clouds of morning.
" You’re going to be here for years without me, "I tell him.
He says, " Shall I make us some breakfast? "
Like a butler, he brings me things. A hot-water bottle. Slices of orange cut onto a plate. Another blanket. He puts cinnamon sticks to boil on the oven downstairs, because I want to smell Christmas.
How did this happen so quickly? How did it really come true?
Please get into bed and climb on top of me with your warmth and wrap me with your arms and make it stop.
" First it was a herb garden, then roses, now she wants honeysuckle." Frank says, " I might go out and give her a hand when your Mom comes to sit with you. Would that be OK? "
" Sure. "
" Do you want to sit outside again today? "
" No. " I can’t be bothered to move. The sun grinds into my brain and everything aches
Mikey crashes in. " Can I go out? "
Mom sighs. " Where? "
" Just out. "
" You need to be a bit more specific. "
" I’ll let you know when I get there. "
" Not good enough. "
" Everyone else is allowed randomly out. "
" I’m not interested in everyone else. "
Wonderful rage as Mikey stomps to the door. His body able to yank the door open and slam it behind him.
" You’re all such fucking bastards! " He yells as he races out the door.
.INSTRUCTIONS FOR MIKEY.
Don’t die young. Don’t get meningitis, or Aids or anything else ever. Be healthy. Don’t fight in any war, or join a cult, or get religion, or lose your heart to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Don’t think you have to be good because you’re the only one left. Be as bad as you like.
I reach out for Mom's hand. Her fingers look raw, as If they've been through a grater.
" What have you done? "
She shrugs. " I don't know. I didn't even notice. "
FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS FOR MOM- Let Mikey be enough for you.
I love you. I love you. I send this message through my fingers and into hers, up her arm and into her heart. Hear me. I love you. And I’m sorry to leave you.
How did that happen? I wake up hours later and Mikey's sitting next to me on the couch.
" Sorry I shouted. "
" Did Mom tell you to say that? "
He nods and I notice the curtains are open. The darkness is seeping through.
" Are you scared? " Mikey says this very softly, as if it’s something he’s thinking, but didn’t mean to say.
" I’m scared of falling asleep. "
" That you won’t wake up? "
" Yes. "
His eyes shine. " But you know it won’t be tonight, don’t you? I mean, you’ll be able to tell, won’t you? "
" It won’t be tonight. "
He rests his head on my shoulder. " I really, really hate this, " he says.