'Cause the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You.

" Hey, " Frank says, " You’re awake. "

He leans over and moistens my mouth with a sponge. He dabs my lips dry with a flannel and smears them with Vaseline.
" Your hands are cold. I’ll hold them for a bit and warm them up, shall I? "
I stink. I smell myself farting. I hear the ugly tick of my body consuming itself. I’m sinking, sinking into the bed.

Fifteen, to get out of bed and go downstairs and it’s all a joke.
Two hundred and nine, to marry Frank.

Thirty, to go to parents’ evening and see that our child’s a genius.
Fifty-one, two, three. To open my eyes. Bastard open them.

I can’t. I’m falling.

Forty-four, to not be falling. I don’t want to fall. I’m afraid.
Forty-five, to not be falling.
Think of something. I won’t die if I’m thinking of Frank’s hot breath between my legs.

But I can’t hold onto anything.

Like a tree losing its leaves.
I forget even the thing I was thinking.

" Why is he making that noise? "

" It’s his lungs. Fluid can’t drain away because he’s not moving around. "

" It sounds horrible. "

" It sounds worse than it is. "

Is that Mikey? I hear the tug of a ring pull, the fizz of a Coke can.

Frank says, " What’s your Mom up to? "

" On the phone. She’s telling Dad to come over. "

" Good. "

What happens, Mikey, to dead bodies?

Dust, glitter, rain.

" You think he can hear us? "

" Definitely. "

" ‘Cos I’ve been telling him stuff. "

" What kind of stuff? "

" I’m not telling you! "

The big bang was the origin of the solar system and only then was the earth formed and only then could life appear and after all the rain and fire had gone fish came then insects amphibians dinosaurs mammals birds primates hominids and finally humans

" Are you sure he should be making that noise? "

" I think it’s OK. "

" It’s different from just now. "

" Shush, I can’t hear. "

" That’s worse. That sounds like he can’t even breathe. "

" Shit! "

" Is he dying? "

" Get your Mom, Mikey. Run! "

A little bird moves a mountain of sand one grain at a time it picks up one grain every million years and when the mountain has been moved the bird puts it all back again and that’s how long eternity is and that’s a very long time to be dead for

Maybe I’ll come back as somebody else.

I’ll be the wild-haired girl Frank meets in his first week at university. " Hi, are you on the horticultural course as well? "

" I’m here, Gee. I’m right here, holding your hand. Frank’s here too, he’s sitting on the other side of the bed. And Mikey. Dad’s on his way, he’ll just be a minute. We all love you, Gerard. We’re all right here with you. "

" I hate that noise. It sounds like it’s hurting him. "

" It’s not, Mikey. He’s unconscious. He’s not in pain. "

" Frank said he could hear us. How can he hear us if he’s
unconscious? "

" It’s like sleeping, except he knows we’re here. Sit with me, Mikey, it’s all right. Come and sit on my lap. He’s peaceful, don’t worry.’

" He doesn’t sound peaceful. He sounds like a broken boiler. "

I turn inwards, their voices the sound of water murmuring.

Moments gather.

Aeroplanes crash into buildings. Bodies sail through the air. Tube trains and buses explode. Radiation seeps from the pavements. The sun turns.

Anything could happen next.

" It’s all right, Gerard, you can go. We love you. You can go now. "

" Why are you saying that? "

" He might need permission to die, Mikey. "

" I don’t want him to. He doesn’t have my permission. "

Let’s say yes then. Yes to everything for just one more day.

" Maybe you should say goodbye, Mikey. "

" No. "

" It might be important. "

" It might make him die. "

" Nothing you say can make him die. He wants to know you love him. "

One more moment. One more. I can manage one more.
A sweet wrapper whips up the path in the wind.

" Go on, Mikey. "

" I feel stupid. "

" None of us are listening. Get close and whisper. "

My name encircles a roundabout
A dead bird on the lawn.
Millions of maggots stunned by sunlight

" Bye, Gee. Haunt me if you like. I don’t mind. "

A duck goes into a chemist’s to buy some lipstick.
Seven stones, all different colours, bound with a silver chain.

There’s sun in my teacup.
Lindsey stares out of the window and I drive out of town. The sky gets darker and darker.

Let them go.

Frank blows smoke at the town below. Says, " Anything could be happening down there, but up here you just wouldn’t know it. "

Frank strokes my head, my face, he kisses my tears.
We are blessed.

Let them all go.

The sound of a bird flying low across the garden. Then nothing. Nothing. A cloud passes. Nothing again. Light falls through the window, falls onto me, into me.

Moments.

All gathering towards this one