'Cause the Hardest Part of This is Leaving You.

" Get up! Get up! " Mikey shouts. I pull the sheets over my head, but he yanks it straight off again. " Mom says if you don't get up right now, she's gonna come in with a cup of cold water! "

I roll over, away from him, but he skips round the bed and stands over me, grinning " Mom says you should get up every morning and do something with yourself. "
I kick him hard and pull the sheets back over my head. " I don't give a shit, Mikey. Now piss off out of my room! "

I'm surprised at how little I care when he goes.
Something must of happen because Mikey's back at my bed. " I hope you die while I'm at school! " he hisses. " And I hope it bloody hurts! And I hope they bury you somewhere horrible like a fish shop or the dentist's! "
Goodbye little brother, I think. Goodbye, goodbye.
Mom's probably on the computer. She's been on it for hours before. Surfing the web for information to keep me alive. I've been told there are five stages of grief, and if that's true, the she's stuck at stage one: denial.
Strangely the knock on my door is early today. She hasn't had her coffee or tided up. What's going on? I lie very still as she comes in, shuts the door behind her and kicks her slippers off.

" Shove over. " she says.

" Mom! What are you doing? "

" Getting into bed with you. "

" I don't want you to! "
She puts an arm around me and hugs me, her socks rub against my feet.

" Mom! Get out of my bed! "

" No. "

I push her arm off and sit up to look at her. She looks older than I remember. I can hear her heart too, which I don't think is supposed to happen.
" What the hell are you doing? "
" You never talk to me, Gee. "

" And you think this will help? "

She shrugs. " Maybe. "

" Would you like it if I climbed into your bed while you were asleep? "

" You used to when you were small. You said it was unfair that you had to sleep by yourself. "
I'm sure this isn't true because I don't remember it. She may have gone mad.

" Well if you're not getting out of my bed then I will. "

" Good, " she says. " I hope you will. "

" And you're just gonna stay there aren't you. "

She grins and snuggles down under the sheets. " It's lovely and warm. "

My legs feel like jelly. i didn't eat much yesterday and it seems to have made me transparent. I clutch the bedpost and get up, hobbling over to the window. It's still early: the moon fading to a purple-grey sky.

Mom says. " You haven't seen Lindsey for a while. "

" No."

" Did you two have a falling out while you went clubbing? "

Down in the garden there's a deflated blue football, probably Mikey's. Next door that boy is out again. I press my palms against the window. Every morning he's outside doing something - raking or digging or fiddling about. Right now he's hacking into the grass.

" Did you hear me, Gerard? "

" Yes but I'm ignoring you."

" Perhaps you should think about going back to school. You'd see some of your other friends there. "
I turn to look at her. " I never use to have friends. Lindsey's my first and only - and before you suggest it, I don't want to make any. I don't want anybody else wanting to get to know me so they'll get sympathy at my funeral. "
Mom sighs, pills the sheets closer under her chin and shakes her head at me. " You shouldn't talk like that. Cynicism is bad for you. "

" Did you read that somewhere? "

" Being positive strengthens the immune system."

" So it's my fault I'm sick then? "

" You know I don't think that? "

" Well, you're always acting as if everything I do is wrong. "

She struggles to sit up. " I don't! "

" Yeah, you do. It's like I'm not dying properly. You're always coming in my room and telling me to get out of bed or pull myself together. Now you're telling me to got back to school. It's
ridiculous. "
I stomp across the room.
Mom leans on her elbows to look at me. She looks as if I hit her.

" Don't go. Where are you going? "

" Away from you. "

I enjoy slamming the door. She can have my bed. Let her. She can lie there and rot.