Forget December

I wasn’t at all surprised when there was a knock on my door at midnight. It was officially Christmas eve, and that meant one thing.

I feigned annoyance when I swung open the door to my mum’s house. “You know Horan, you’re about two hours late.” I eyed his empty hands and sighed. “And you arrive empty handed. Didn’t your mum teach you better?”

Niall laughed loudly as he barreled into my childhood home, wrapping me in a one-armed hug before planting a kiss on my forehead. “Missed you too, Ash. Missed you too.”

“You know, every year you have one job,” I told him as I ushered him inside and shut the door to keep the snow out. “And yet every year, I think we have this exact conversation. So why do I expect any different?”

When he turned around, he was holding a bottle of sparkling Italian wine in his hand. I had to suppress my urge to squeal. “You actually brought it this year! You tosser, and here I thought...” I trailed off, pulling him to me so we could hug properly.

“Figured I could splurge and actually bring you what you wanted this year.” He winked when we separated and I laughed.

“You’re a twat. Is it cold? Let me get the glasses.”

“Is the movie in? I’ll get it playing.”

This was what we’d done for the past 3 years, except for the odd year when Niall was off trying to become a big superstar of course. Christmas hadn’t been the same that year.

My parents went off to some Christmas party in Dublin every year with some of their mates, so Niall and I always took advantage of the empty house. He came over every year the day before Christmas eve and when it struck midnight, we’d have a drink. I always insisted it be something fancy--much like the Italian wine I was pouring for us now--but Niall usually failed me and ended up bringing a six pack of Stella or whatever he could get his hands on. Then we’d watch Christmas movies until we fell asleep. It wasn’t much, but it was a nice tradition.

I carried the two glasses into the living room with the bottle resting under my arm before I sat on the couch beside Niall. He took his glass and I set the bottle on the coffee table, and then we toasted.

“What to this year?” I asked before we clinked our glasses together.

He grinned. “Us!”

I rolled my eyes but touched my glass with his.

We had been toasting to “us” for the past three years, but there was no us.

***

Niall and I had a complicated friendship I suppose.

I wasn’t sure there was a name for what we were. I wished there was, because then my life would have been much more simple. Niall was just... Niall. He was the one who sat down beside me on the bus on the first day of primary school and hadn’t left my side since. He was the lad who pissed his trousers when he was six because he was laughing so hard, but refused to be embarrassed by the incident. The same Niall who had been quoted saying he was too lazy to find a girlfriend.

I think that was why I thought it was okay. Niall was just Niall, and I was just Ashley, and if I didn’t think about it too much then it didn’t matter.

That being said, we had an odd friendship. Even I knew that. We weren’t best mates--at least I didn’t think we were. My mum thought otherwise, but I blamed that on Niall always being there. After a while, I just sort of gave in. It wasn’t like I had friends flocking to me everywhere I turned. I was young and awkward, and if Niall wanted to stick around, then so be it.

By the time we were entering secondary school, it was clear that Niall wasn’t going anywhere. I accepted the fact that he clung to me like I was his life jacket and he was out at sea, and that was that.

It wasn’t until we were finishing up our junior cycle of secondary school that things started to change.

I had plans to finish school, obviously. Niall and I both went on to fifth year and I figured it would be the same as always. I was an awkward 16 year old, and Niall wasn’t much better with his baby face and crooked teeth that he secretly wanted to fix in the worst way but knew his mum couldn’t afford it. But then Niall went off to the X-Factor, and he made it through eventually, and suddenly he was rocketed off to superstardom.

And I was happy for him, of course I was, because he was Niall and I was Ashley and it wouldn’t make sense for me to feel anything else.

It wasn’t like I never saw him afterwards either, which was my biggest (hidden) concern. He came home when he could, and when he did he always knocked on my mum’s door and she would usher him inside like he hadn’t been gone for months on end, and everything was fine. We had our own separate lives, but we would always come back to each other one way or another.

I think that was part of the problem though, in all honesty. When Niall was around, things were fine. I took that for granted I think, but then he would leave and I’d feel sort of... lonely. A bit empty. Which was sad and pathetic and I hated myself for it, so I tried to do something about it.

The year before I went away to uni, I started to date. Which sounds ridiculous, because I was 17-going-on-18 and I had never had a proper boyfriend. There was no reason for it really, aside from the fact that I always had Niall and other lads seemed to stay away when I was with Niall.

I wasn’t a serial dater--far from it, in all honesty. It wasn’t like I had all of Ireland knocking down my door in a desperate attempt at taking me out for dinner. That thought alone made me laugh. I simply wasn’t afraid to be in a relationship which I opened myself up to the idea. If I happened to find the right person, and they showed a significant interest that I reciprocated, then why wouldn’t we date?

The relationships were never incredibly serious. I mean, we were boyfriend and girlfriend and we went out on dates and we held hands in public. I just never felt like I was in love with any of the blokes, which made it increasingly difficult to feel any sense of commitment. I suppose I was only 17, 18, and 19, but still.

The relationships never lasted longer than 6 months, but that still felt like a significant amount of time to be with someone. I convinced myself I was in love a few times even, and when Niall would come home and ask me what I was up to I would somehow find a way to mention I had a boyfriend and it felt right.

He was always happy for me, and then that was that. We’d move on to a new topic, about the record he was recording or the tour he was about to embark on, and everything was fine.

That was the difference this year, though. I was single and had been for quite some time, and Niall was happier than I’d ever remembered him being, and something felt different but I couldn’t tell what.

***

As usual, we weren’t paying much attention to the movie as it played, more interested in the bottle of wine and catching each other up on the things that had happened to us in the time it had been since we had seen each other last.

Niall was just finishing up a story about when they were in the states for the X-Factor finale and how he got to meet the Kardashion sisters, which was apparently his biggest accomplishment yet--second to meeting Michael Buble of course--when I poured the last of the wine into our glasses.

“That the end of it?” he asked, taking a big gulp of his wine.

I could feel my head getting fuzzy when I nodded. I let it fall back against the couch while I smiled. “Thanks for actually bringing the wine this year, Nialler.”

He chuckled from beside me. “‘Course, Ash. Figured I owed you this year, yeah?”

I just smiled. I was feeling the effects of the wine and I felt sleepy, but I was determined to stay away a little while longer. Niall and I only did this once a year and I didn’t want to miss out.

“So how’s uni going? Are you smashing it, as expected?”

I laughed and rolled my eyes. “It’s all right I suppose. I think my French professor hates me, but that could be because I’m absolutely awful at the language.” I shook my head thinking of the final I had taken only a week before and cringed. “I’ll be lucky if I passed, but we’ll see.”

Niall laughed. “You’re Irish, you don’t need French!”

I smirked. “My advisor seems to think differently, aye? But I’ll let her know you said that.”

“What about the boyfriend department? The lads knocking down your door like I’m expecting them to?”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I cast my eyes down to my wine glass and focused on that. “No boyfriend, not right now. I was just trying to get accustomed to uni, I guess. No time.” I looked up then and smirked, nudging his leg with my knee. “What about you then? Have a secret girlfriend you’ve hidden away?”

He barked out a laugh, which almost made me laugh. “No, no lass. Too hard, you know? I mean... Tommo does it, but he’s had El for awhile, and same with Liam.” He shrugged his shoulders. “If I wanted a girlfriend, I’d want someone who knows me inside and out, who’s been around for awhile, you know? Not just some random lass I picked up off the street.”

I couldn’t hide my smirk. “That would be a prostitute, Niall, and I’m pretty positive that’s illegal, yeah?”

He laughed and shoved my shoulder gently. “Don’t be a tosser! You know what I mean.”

I nodded, because I did. We’d talked about it too many times before for me to not.

Conversation came and went then while we finished the movie and our wine, and before I knew it my head was resting on Niall’s shoulder while he wrapped his arm around me and we got comfortable.

“Happy Christmas eve, Ash,” he said quietly. I just smiled before drifting off to sleep.