The Romantic & the Cynic

Zayn watched her leave and cursed. Why couldn’t he just say the words that would make the situation easy and right? Why did he stumble every time and say things that weren’t quite perfect? When he had approached her in his mind, he had the speech completely written and practiced. He was going to tell her that he had panicked the day before. He was going to tell her that while he still thought they needed to have the weekend apart to take a breath from the intensity of what they were feeling, he felt a kernel of something there that he felt could grow into something else. He wanted to wrap her up for a moment so that he could imprint it on his memory and hold on to it until she returned to him.

But he had done none of that. Instead of those perfect things that had been accompanied by a romantic serenade in his head, he had stuck to the friend line. He had told her the stupid shit that he wanted her as a friend and nothing more. His head knew he had done the right thing for each of them but his heart was pissed.

Zayn remained in the parking lot long after she had left in the car with Rob. None of the other bandmates came to get him as they seemed to understand his need for a time of solo reflection. They saw him from the windows as he stood in the setting sun with a constant stream of cigarette smoke hovering above him and checked periodically to make sure he was still there but never went down to be with him. Instead they filled the time with writing and teasing and waited until he decided to come up. Finally, the chill of the evening hit him as his bare arms were brushed by the evening breeze and he rubbed his hands up and down them before turning and heading back inside.

The guys greeted him with curious looks but none of them asked any questions about what had happened in the parking lot between him and Sky. He appreciated the lack of them while the last of their stuff was packed up in an air of quiet and they headed down the stairs and out to the van that would take them back to the beach house. When they reached it, the guys piled out and headed inside.

“I’ve got to finish arranging everything with Paul for Dani getting over here,” Liam said as he pulled out his phone and tucked it to his ear. “You guys in the mood for ordering pizza for dinner?”

A course of grunts greeted him as he left the room. And after that they all broke up. Harry got on the phone with a girl he had et at the studio earlier in the day, Niall called up a friend of his who was hanging out in New York and Louis got on the phone with Eleanor. The pizza would probably be remembered at a later time but for now each of them were off dealing with their own lives. It left Zayn alone and simmering in his thickly corded emotions still hanging around from when Sky had left him. He needed to talk to someone to get his mind pulled out of the quicksand it was currently stuck in.

He pulled out his phone and slid his thumb through his contacts list. Names slid by but none of them would have given him exactly what he needed. None of them until he reached the one person who would listen without judging. He felt a smile start to grow slightly on his face as he hit the number and put the phone to his ear. He walked to the back deck and settled himself into one of the lounge chairs spread across it. A sigh of fatigue escaped his tired body as he rested against the striped fabric and looked out over the ocean spread out before him.

The phone rang several times and he was about to hang up before he heard a groggy voice answer the phone. The grogginess could easily be explained by the time difference between where he was and where he had called. A time difference of eight hours which meant that it was two o’clock in the morning where they were.

“Hello,” the person said as they slowly woke themselves up. The usual response to his late night phone call would not be that welcoming but he knew she was giving him a break after she had seen his name appear on her screen. “How you doing Z?”

“I’m okay, still feel like wanting to punch the walls every once in awhile but not as often as before.” The answer came quickly and without embarrassment or reservation. He was so glad to not have to pretend at this moment. So glad to be able to not have to make sure the other person didn't feel pity for him. It felt like it had been so long, or at least since the night he had held Sky’s quivering body against his own. “How you doing D?”

“Well, besides the fact that my brother decided to wake me up in the middle of the night and my boyfriend is not so happy about it, I’m doing great. I’m going to head to the living room. Just give me a sec, okay?” He heard her move around again and whisper words to her side. He assumed she was talking to Matt, the guy she had been dating for about a year. After a few more seconds and a few more muffled sounds, she must have reached her destination because he heard her settle herself into a chair and tuck the phone back against her. “So bro, how is the LA sun treating you? It’s got to be better than mucky London or Bradford. I don’t think I’ve seen the sun in weeks.”

“LA’s fine,” Zayn said as he lit a cigarette and put it to his lips. Doniya was his oldest sibling and the two of them were just as close as they had been before all of the craziness had started and he had entered the One Direction world. She was the one who he could call at any point of the day or night and she would answer it no matter what. She would answer his questions honestly and brutally, listen to his miserable complaining just to tell him to suck it up and hold him as gently as a baby’s breath with her voice as he poured his heart out to her. She was his guardian angel wherever he was. “The smog’s too bloody thick and the traffic’s insane but the beach house is amazing. You should really come out here at some point and see it. Maybe Matt could even take a shot at surfing.”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen unfortunately. Work’s ramping up with the new website being launched so the hours have just been way too insane and are only going to get worse.” Doniya had worked at a national retailer in their marketing department since she had graduated a couple of years ago. “How much longer are you going to be out there? Maybe I can come over in a couple of months.”

Zayn shrugged his shoulders. “We’re not sure. Probably at least a couple more so there should still be time for you to come and catch some rays. I would love to hang out with you.”

“Me too. Sun would feel good right about now.” He pictured her smiling softly as she tucked herself up in the fluffy blanket she kept on her living room couch. He had paid way to much for it at some chic store in New York but she had immediately cooed over the soft fabric so it had been worth it. “So little brother, how are you really doing? I saw all that crap about her and the idiot in the papers. And I want the truth, not the sugar-coated answer you give in interviews.”

Zayn knew exactly what she was talking about. The articles that had been published showing Perrie and her new boyfriend galavanting all over Europe in the days after the news had broken about their relationship and its public demise. Doniya had never been a fan of his girlfriend since the beginning but had played nice while they were dating. Once the shit had hit the fan and she had been able to voice her opinion though, she had made it clear that if she ever saw the fake blonde again it couldn’t possibly end well.

Zayn decided to let her know the truth. An attempt to cover it up would be seen through just as transparently as a pane of glass. “Honestly, I’ve been feeling like shit. The guys are trying to do their best to help out but they aren’t quite cutting it. I mean it’s hard when two of them are in fairy-book relationships and the other two haven’t had a serious girlfriend in their lives. It makes the whole empathizing thing a little awkward for all partied involved.”

“At least they’re trying. Don’t shut them out, like I know you are dying to do.” She paused for a second and he could tell he wanted to ask her about something else. She continued after the pause. “I also happened to see some other pictures of you and another girl. The one that you guys hired as a photographer? Tell me about her.”

Zayn felt this cheeks redden at the mention of Sky. He wasn’t sure how to explain their very convoluted relationship, if they had one, just yet. But if there was anyone who would listen without trying to judge him it would be Doniya. And maybe speaking it out to someone else would help him understand why he was so unsettled around her. “Her name’s Sky. She’s the replacement photographer that we brought on when the other had to back out.”


“The paper’s told me that. I want to know why she was holding you up as you headed out the back of a club and why you punched out a photog over her. Also why she is staying at the beach house if she’s only an employee. Isn’t that getting a little bit too up close with your subjects?”

Zayn didn’t take any offence at the questions or the tone of them. It was Doniya’s protection side coming through the phone and it made him chuckle. She may be half asleep that didn’t mean that she couldn’t be a mama bear if she wanted to.

“She was trying to help me get out of there without any pictures. I had a bit too much to drink and didn’t want to have to deal with the idiots in the front so she came up with a plan to get out of there without that happening. It almost worked but one of them took a chance and headed out back to see if I was there. He was right.” He barely remembered the walk from the club to the car or the drive back to the house. What he did remember about that night was the moment he had asked her to stay with him. The memory had gradually become clearer as if a fog was lifting since the night. He must have sounded so vulnerable to her as he had laid on his bed after she had gently removed his clothes and rested him under the covers. A soft imprint of the kiss still remained on his cheek. And she had stayed with him. She had let him be vulnerable and hadn’t used it against him the next day. Exactly like Doniya would have done. “As for the punch, the guy was being an ass and so I reminded him of it in a very physical way.”

‘And the whole living with you guys . . .” Doniya asked as he puffed away on his cigarette. “That hardly seems normal.”

“It’s not but it’s fine. The day after the club thing we were concerned about her safety where she was staying so the guys and Paul suggested she stayed with us until the situation calmed down. She’s heading back to her place in a couple of days. Simple.”

She seemed to be pondering his words to see if they weighed true. Was he telling her the party line? Was there more to the situation than he was saying. Was tonight the night to push him on it. He let her do it in silence which lasted long enough for him to realize that she wasn’t buying it.

“Simple huh? You never went after a photographer for Perrie. And you guys had some pretty crazy stuff put out there about you, much more than anything that guy could have said. So what is it about this girl that made it seem so bad?”

That was the question, wasn’t it? That was the question that Zayn couldn’t answer for himself. That was the question that he needed to answer for himself. That was the question he had called to try and work out with the only person who might help him to do it. Now was time for the honesty part.

“I don’t know,” he said as he closed his eyes and let her image drift in front of him. The image of her sitting on his window seat that first night and asking him what his favourite colour was. It was a stupid question but it had been right for the moment and the memory brought a certain happiness to him. “I feel safe when she’s around, grounded and sane. She isn’t scared of me when I try and make her be. She just stands there and lets me be an ass and then asks me the next question.”

“Sounds like I just might like her.” Doniya was probably smiling into the phone as she imagined someone standing up to her little brother. “It sounds like she is becoming more than a photographer.”

“That’s what scares me,” Zayn said as he opened his eyes and returned to looking back at the ocean, letting the image of Sky and the warmth it brought leave him. “I can feel myself being drawn to her and back to the idea of caring about someone. And that’s what scares the shit out of me. After what happened with Perrie how in the hell can I trust a girl to be in my life? How can I trust someone to be honest and truthful and to not rip my heart out and put it out for public display? I was with Perrie for years and she had no problem with it. I just met this girl two weeks ago.”

“Maybe you do it by just letting her be a friend.” It sounded so simple when she said it, not something that he had struggled with. “Hang out with her, talk to her, be yourself around her, let her be your friend. She doesn’t sound like she’s an idiot so she knows that you have some recent baggage that you’re bringing with you. Just don’t throw it on her when she’s not the one who packed it. She doesn't deserve it.”

“What if I can’t do that?” His voice sounded weak even to him.

Doniya cooed at him through the phone. “First of all, it’s not like you are proposing to her in the next twenty-four hours. Order in some pizza and have some beers, no pressure. If you still feel safe and sane and grounded, than maybe there is something there that you should let develop.” Her voice became sterner as she continued to speak. “If you can’t do that, than be honest with her. Don’t drag her through your stuff if your not willing to get in there with her.”

His sister was right. The flip flopping had to stop for both of them but especially Sky. He had no right to use Perrie’s sins against her.

“You’re right. She’s gone for the weekend to shoot a wedding back in Atlanta but I’ll try to take your advice when she comes back. This weekend will give me the time I need to get my head back on straight before I order the pizza and beers.”

“Good. Now, is there any other world problems I need to solve because I have to be up for work in a few hours.” Her voice sounded tired as she spoke and a pang of guilt hit him at having woken her up to talk about a problem that had nothing to do with her and everything about him.

“No, no.” Zayn stubbed out his cigarette out in the ashtray beside him. “Get back to bed and remember to take a look at coming out here as soon as you can. You could use some warmth.”

“I will. I need to meet this Sky person anyway. I’ll talk to you in a few days, okay?”

“Of course. And thank you for the talk. You always seem to be able to get me back on the right path. Love you D.”

“Anytime. Love you too Z.”

They hung up then and Zayn tucked his phone down beside him. His heart felt lighter than it had in a long time after his discussion with Doniya. Maybe it was as simple as beer and pizza, as simple as just remembering she wasn’t Perrie. She was Sky and that was the person he wanted to get to know. And in that moment he resolved that that was exactly what he was going to do on Monday. Get to know the woman who had become the safe harbour for him and find out if he could be the same for her.