Teenage Dream

Chapter Three
Accidentally In Love

Anthony's POV
The summer fun was beginning with my group of friends from school. They made plans on MySpace to all get together and go on a big road trip to different places all over California. Every single one of my friends was invited. Fifteen out of twenty-two people were going. They all got invites. Except for me. A knock at my door made me jump in my computer chair. Knowing who it was, I called: "Come in." My eyes didn't leave the computer screen as I heard my bedroom door open behind me. Why was everyone invited to a stupid road trip? Ian didn't give me a greeting; I just heard him sit on my bed, saying nothing. Clicking onto my profile, a video was posted on my message board. It was titled: "Listen Up", posted by one of my jock friends named Mike. Having no clue what it was about I played it, seeing just him stare into the computer's camera looking annoyed as hell. "Anthony." He paused after saying my name with total attitude. He was mad at me and I wasn't sure why. We said goodbye on the last day of school on good terms. So why was he pissed?

"Knowing you're always on MySpace, I know you'll see this video probably shortly after I send it to you. And I know you've seen the plans our friends have made about having a fucking awesome summer, so you've no doubt noticed NONE of them include you. The tight group of friends you hung out with during lunch are free to go all over Cali and have the best time ever. At first, the girls in the group really wanted you to go but I convinced them not to. And that took a lot of effort. They thought you were a super cool dude who was a great friend. But I saw through your fake personality from early on in the year. You won over the girls with your "charm" and the guys with your fake boldness. You hung out with us almost every single day during lunch but you didn't want to get to know us. You memorized names and guessed what each person liked based on their appearance and attitude. After being a true friend to all twenty-one of them, I saw that everyone was a dedicated pal to each other. We all wanted to get to know one another, and we supported each other to the fullest. But you faked all the motivation and support you gave to them. You made everyone happy and they liked you so much that they were blind to the real you. You claimed to cherish all twenty-one people but I know for a fact that you only have one friend. Instead of hanging out before and after school with our group, you fucking chose to spend time with that little nobody Ian. I don't even know the kid but after seeing him forced to hang with us a few times by you, it was easy to see that he was such a loser, he would do anything to have one friend even if that person was a total faker and liar. And he was such a loser and desperate to keep your "friendship", he allowed you, with no protest, to abandon him during the forty minute lunch break to chill with people you didn't give a shit about. I don't know exactly why the fuck you would be friends with that weak-hearted pushover; my guess is that you felt guilty of leading him on, pitied the fact that he had no friends, you liked how he followed you around like a dog, made you feel significant and special, seem less of a douchebag, or maybe you were so bored after school and on weekends that you used his desperate companionship as entertainment. Or maybe you're too much of a dumbass to see he's worthless, and you really believe he has what it takes to be a friend. He's empty. Emptier than you. Ian has a tiny, lonely heart while you don't even have one. I know you have self-confidence problems, he has even more, but at least he doesn't bother to make others like him. He'd rather be alone and a loser unlike you. He's a dumbass but he just might be smart enough to know you're coolness is a total lie, but being desperate, he could just be clinging onto you and forcing every one of your endless faults out of his mind. I'm doing everyone a favor by kicking you out of the group permanently, and trust me. After I explained who you really are, they all feel betrayed and more than willing to leave you out of their life. So now that you have no REAL friends, I highly suggest that you ditch that Ian kid. You would be less of a prick if you chose to be alone and friendless than be a liar to good people who don't deserve your bullshit. I may seriously not care about that Ian kid, but quit leading him on. It's just cruel what you're doing to him. Unlike you Anthony Padilla, I'm an honest person and I'm not lying at all when telling you this. You deserve a reality check. And when you're a senior and I'm already graduated, if I hear that you tried to make your way back into the group, I will hunt you down and hurt you not with my words, but with my god damn fists. Have a great fucking summer, asshole." He scowled and flipped me off and then the video ended, sending a shocked silence in my room.

Ian and I both knew we didn't feel that way about each other but I couldn't turn around to look at him. For several moments I just stared at the computer, the shock remaining but anger forming inside. I was getting furious over the way he talked about Ian. Mike knew absolutely nothing about my best friend, and the worst part was that Ian heard every single word. I didn't care about losing twenty-one friends; I didn't care what he felt about me. What I really cared was that Ian got hit full force with the worst insults when he didn't deserve them at all. They were all lies but I knew Ian was hurt on some level. Just the day before I promised him that I would protect him and I couldn't even protect him from someone's opinion. I felt like complete shit for letting Ian get hurt. Even if he denied it, I knew Mike's insults got to him on some level. God I'm sorry, Ian. The silence was broken by Ian's soft, empathetic voice. "…Are you…upset over losing them?" I finally turned to him, seeing Ian looking a little saddened but it wasn't over himself. He was just as hurt for me as I was for him.

I immediately shook my head but his frown remained. "Not at all. But he was right on some things. I tried fitting into that group of people because I wanted to feel important and liked. I was fake to every single one of them. I put a name to their face but that was about it. I agreed with what they bitched about and I supported them when I really didn't care. I'm a fucking horrible friend. Those students didn't know it, I ignored it, and you saw it. Ian…I abandoned you, my best friend in the whole world, just to feel better about myself when you could have done it all along. You would have done anything to make me happy, and instead of doing that for you, I wasted my effort on useless others. I should have known you would be hurt by me leaving you every day. I should have seen it beforehand…I should have never tried to be best friends with anyone but you. It took me one day to become your best friend and completely trust you, but knowing those people for a whole school year, I still don't trust one of them and consider them my friend. And now all my efforts are wasted. I have no one to call a true friend except for you. It's been that way since sixth grade and it was stupid of me to think it would be okay to change that. Mike was right. I did need a reality check. Ian…I've fucked you over all junior year. How have you not just left me yet?" He didn't answer right away but he didn't have to think about it.
"…Because we've come this far in our friendship. High school changes people; it made you lose your way. We were surrounded by so many kids our age and so many bad influences that could've ruined us, but you and I watched out for each other. I admit that peer pressure got to us more than I would like. I saw it start to affect you as you became popular. Girls like you for your handsome face and guys liked you for your chill attitude. Everyone wants to be liked in high school, and it just got to you way more than it did me. It hurt me to see you lose your way…but I was willing to be alone at lunch if it meant you would be happy from all that attention. I just hoped you would see that I was the only one who could truly be your number one friend. And now that it's just me and you…do you see that now?" Ian was trying to kindly tell me I was the shittiest friend in history. How nice of him. If he was angry at me for leaving him he wasn't showing it. "I've always known that you're the only true friend I have, Ian. But I guess that wasn't enough for me. I felt like the friends I had, the more liked I would feel. But I was wrong from the start. Why didn't you…why didn't I…? Dammit, Ian. I'm sorry. I'll never leave your side again."
He was still sitting on my bed with a frown, quiet while looking at me. "..I believe you. Now let's not worry how our senior year will go. We have two months of freedom. Do you feel like hanging out with this "little nobody" all summer?" I didn't like how he used Mike's quote, even if jokingly. "Everything he said about you was a total lie. I don't even have to explain what our friendship is. You know how I feel about you." I expected Ian to agree but he instead looked awkward. "A-actually…I really don't. Up until yesterday, we were best friends. Then we got kinda closer than bros, sat close on my bed for over an hour, then after a real heart-to-heart talk, you kinda pulled a move on me. It was just a movie, Anthony. I don't know how you could lose control of yourself just from that. Caught up in the moment?" His awkward behavior fell away and Ian looked in my eyes with total seriousness. "Anthony, why did you really kiss me?" I was under fire. If I was in a videogame at that moment, there would be red hazard lights flashing and the word "alert" sounding every second. But I was sitting in my computer chair unable to think up a reason from my heart pounding in my chest. Ian was waiting for an answer but I stared downwards with my mind blank.
"Well?" His impatience didn't help. Ian said we got closer before we watched the movie. Maybe that had something to do with it. I came to his house yesterday and when I saw that he had those pills…it made me angry. I felt like I needed to guard him. But we started moving on from that with the fake trip to France. That piggyback ride was kinda fun. I felt comfortable being close to him. And the fight over the gummy bears was exciting then when Ian was about to take the bag from my hands…he got too close to my face. Only my last girlfriend had gotten that close then I went without love for a long time. So maybe his body being that close to mine did something. I totally just froze up when Ian's lips were inches from mine. Maybe my brain was thinking that gender didn't matter. If I was missing someone to love, Ian was right there, and we had been roughhousing right before that. Is my brain trying to get me to fall in love again? My eyes flashed up to Ian's crystal blue ones, seeing them gaze deep into mine, trying to read me since I was giving him no answers.

My eyes traveled up to his brown hair that was dark and stringy from a shower, covering his head in a way that reminded me of a bowl. Ian was a teenager but his face was always fair and smooth, creamy white which allowed those icy blue eyes to shine all the time. He was biting his lip and saying nothing, patiently waiting while I tried to figure things out. His skinny arms were crossed over his light blue shirt and his right heel tapped against the carpet quickly, his impatience growing as a few minutes had gone by and I still said nothing. Why would my brain tell me I want him? Is it because it knows I'm going to see no attractive girl my age this summer? It knows something I don't? I was so close to him yesterday, and I was talking about how great a kiss could be. So…my brain made me think that Ian was a girl and since I was lonely I should have kissed him? Wait, does that even make sense? It has to because when I barely acknowledged when I put my lips on his, I felt all into it like I was with my other girlfriends. The fact that it was Ian didn't even seem like a problem in those few seconds. But it made me feel all crazy inside. It was a rush way bigger than any other times I kissed one of my girlfriends. So if I didn't care if I was kissing a guy, and I had no problem with it being my best friend…then that means…

My eyes widened and stared at Ian as a small gasp escaped my mouth. Ian was confused as hell, looking freaked out from my sudden shocking epiphany. "I'm falling in love with you." It was hard to believe the final answer I gave and I wasn't sure if it was true or not, but I said it straight to Ian's face. Now we were both frozen in shock, just looking at each other in horror. T-that's why I kissed him…I guess. Holy shit, I'm in love with him?? And here I was talking about how best friends were usually the ones who would fall in love and stay there. What does he think of me now? He was speechless and now was the one who was wrapped up in thought. His blue eyes stared at me but he said nothing; his jaw dropped a small amount and was unable to close. "A-are you sure?" He managed to stutter out.

I shook my head. "It's the only thing that makes sense. I'm straight but…if I've never felt this close to you in the past that means it's not just some small thing. You've always been my best friend but I've felt way more protective of you since the last day of school. When you said that your mom wanted you on medication, I felt like I had to keep you safe, and yesterday when you got those meds…I got even more protective. And combine that with me being lonely from not having a girlfriend, maybe that could have formed these weird feelings in me. See? That's the only explanation that makes sense. And it's not like I knew I was beginning to feel this way until like one minute ago. I've never planned on getting a crush on you; we're two guys and guys don't do that. It's so weird…but should I just ignore it and move on? I don't know what to do, Ian." Ian looked calm again but he wasn't smiling. "If you allow yourself to like me or whatever, it could turn into like hardcore um…feelings. And if I can't give you the same thing in return, you'll get heartbroken and hate me. So maybe you should. But Anthony, what about me is so attractive to you?" He waited patiently while I tried to think of an answer. Is there anything about Ian I feel attracted to? He's not some hot girl model.

I roved my eyes over him again, his old, scuffed-up converse shoes, white socks that constantly got dirty, dark shorts and a light blue t-shirt. It wasn't his outfit that made me feel weird. Ian looked like a normal teenage guy. For the most part. He was scrawny for a sixteen year-old. And short. He didn't have visible muscles on his arms like growing teenage guys were supposed to have. He didn't have broad shoulders or a six-pack. He had a strange bowl-ish haircut that always got in his eyes and covered his ears. His face was fair and without acne, but the most remarkable feature on it was his eyes. They either looked like the sky or the ocean; point is that they were so blue. Bright and shimmering, lighting up when he was happy and dimming when he was sad. He was the only person I knew who had blue eyes. Besides his mom. Ian's sparkling blue eyes made me jealous when I looked into the mirror and saw just a dark brown staring back at me. Brown eyes were so common; I saw them everywhere. Most white people I saw around had green eyes. But nobody, no one I came across had blue eyes. They kinda feel like a present I get every time we hang out. I've always liked his eyes…but that's not enough for me to love him, right? As soon as I thought I had the answer I was confused again.

"I-I…I have no idea. I've always liked your eyes but that alone can't make me fall for you. I'm supposed to find a girl's body hot. Curvy and slender; delicate and feminine. You're none of that. I'm sticking to my reason. I've been lonely and wanting love. And my brain has thought you could do the job since you're my age and always around." My eyes shifted left, away from him since I was getting embarrassed. There was a pause in my quiet room, the awkwardness making itself comfortable between us. "So…does this have to do with what you asked me yesterday?" His question surprised me, causing my eyes to find their way to Ian who was sitting on my bed nervously. "What? Yeah…it kinda does. You said yes, remember?" Ian got more nervous. His fingers twitched in his lap. "Well that's the thing. I um…wasn't listening to what you were saying that whole time. After you said I wasn't missing out on dating girls, while you were laughing, I kinda drifted off into thinking about junior year. I sort of knew you were talking to me but all I heard was mumbling under my loud thoughts. So when you asked what I thought, I had no idea what you meant. I just acted like I did and said yes. You got so happy about it I didn't want to tell you I wasn't listening. What did you ask me?" That was so shocking to me. And depressing for some reason.

He…has no idea. It took so much bravery to ask him that. Maybe it was for the best. A deep and sad frown was on my face as I looked away from him again, ashamed of myself and even more embarrassed. Crossing my arms, I said in a low tone: "…Never mind. If you did listen, you would've said no. It was a stupid question. I wasn't thinking clearly. It had to do with the kiss…but what I was talking about was completely insane. It's best you don't know. I shouldn't have asked it in the first place if I didn't…understand what it really meant." I didn't have to look at Ian to know it upset him. "Is your excuse: because you were too caught up in the moment?" His voice was soft but hurt. He wasn't being nosy; he just felt like it was way more important than I wanted to believe it was. "That, or I was thinking irrationally. Haven't you ever said something without thinking about it? It's better that you don't know and I don't have to regret it." My low voice trailed off and I still couldn't look at him. That was until Ian stood up angrily and rushed up to me, slamming his hands onto the arm chairs and putting his face close to mine. The way his brow furrowed and his blue eyes were alight with anger along with his body stiff as he leaned towards me scared me. I never thought Ian's emotions could put fear into me.

His voice was full of spite as he demanded: "What did you ask me?" My heart raced and Ian didn't get any less angry even though he saw how fearful I became. I shrank in the chair, desperate to escape. "Please don't make me tell you." I begged him quietly, my breath uneven and sadness mixing with my fear. It would ruin us. Ian, just don't- He pushed himself away, glaring at me and probably on the verge of punching me. "You wouldn't have been talking about it for minutes on end then ask something so important of me without thinking. If you really feel the need to keep it a secret, then I'll just stop hanging out with you because best friends don't keep secrets, especially if they involve each other." Ian scoffed then turned and opened the door. "See you maybe never." I sat there so stunned as he walked out of my room. He was taking it so seriously, and my heart was breaking from the spite he felt for me. Dammit. Knowing he had probably only reached the kitchen, I shouted reluctantly: "I asked you out!" Ian was too good of a friend. I wouldn't be able to stand him leaving me because of my stubbornness.

I didn't want to stare at the doorway feeling so much regret. I wanted to close my eyes and be alone. Safe from Ian's reaction. Unable to hear what he was going to say to me. Not knowing where our friendship would stand. But silence was the only company I got and it didn't help take away my fear. My heart bet faster and my mouth went dry when Ian slowly showed in the doorway. His anger was gone but he was frowning and looking pretty shocked. His face was calm but his dim blue eyes held uncertainty. Ian leaned against the door frame and was quiet as he gazed at me. My fear of him being angry was gone but there was still some left for how my confession would affect us from then on. Ian shrugged, attempting to get past his shock. "…Maybe you were too caught up in the moment. Maybe you weren't thinking. Or maybe…you let your heart voice itself." He continued when I was clearly confused. "Maybe you liked me a while before yesterday. That kiss could have triggered it. It would explain why you can't understand everything you've been feeling…because it was inside you and burst out all at once. You wouldn't have wanted to be with me in just one day. Anthony…what if you've loved me without knowing it?" That made more sense than my reason. It shocked me to hear him have so much knowledge of a topic he knew nothing about.

He waited for me to say something but all I did was drop my gaze to stare at my hands twitching in my lap. Wh-what could make me get a deep crush on him? And when would have it happened? What's so special about Ian Hecox that could stop me from being straight? What could…have caused me to love him? A-and do I? Totally speechless, I looked up at him, the only thing I could do. Seeing that, Ian sighed and pushed himself off the door frame so he could walk up to me, standing in front of me and looking down into my eyes while I was motionless in my chair. He smirked lightly, having answers to my confusion. "…I'm right." He bent down to be at my eye-level. Ian smiled widely, a grin almost on his face. "You love me. It's buried deep in your eyes. But I can see it past all the fear, confusion, and desperateness. It's strong…you just refuse to let it show. Because you're too dim-witted to know what it is. It was your heart that spoke. Not you. And all the guilt you've been feeling left you vulnerable. So without the stubbornness that you always have, it took its chance. Ha, you never saw the most powerful feeling a human can have. And it's been right there in that rough and tough teenage heart for who know how long. I don't mean to insult you but damn…you're kinda dumb for not seeing it." Ian chuckled and straightened-up, happy instead of freaked out.

It makes sense but…me? Why me? What other things are there about me I don't know? "B-but you didn't see it until now." He shrugged and nodded, sitting back down on my bed and keeping his smile. "True, because you're easy to read when you're vulnerable. Remember all the times you told me you were fine when I knew you were deeply upset? Why do you think you have no secrets from me? Because I force them out of you when you're weak. This secret is exciting. I don't know what to say, man. I'm flattered. No one's had a crush on me before." He was chuckling and grinning but then turned serious. "But you asked me out, huh? I-I don't know what to say to that. Well, I already said yes but that was before I knew what it was. Anthony, do you really want me to be your boyfriend?" We were both blushing and awkward. "Our relationship as friends has been simple since we met. You don't feel like that towards me and I don't know what the hell I feel. So we should just stay friends. I don't know if I could kiss you again." Ian sighed but it didn't sound like in relief. "Alright then. So we go back to normal. It's a nice day out. Let's go do something." I agreed and did my best to move past the mess I was in. Ian and I hung out on the playground we went to in my neighborhood, talking about everything except us. Ian looked like he was having a good time with me that day while I faked most of my joy. I wanted to be alone to think about what the fuck was going on with me.
I got that chance when Ian went home at 5PM and after a quiet dinner with my mom, I went to bed early. My room was dark and silent as I laid under the covers in my comfy bed. I stared up at the ceiling with my hands behind my head, almost nervous as I tried to figure things out.

Do I really feel this way about him? Ian said my heart spoke, but I can't look into my heart. Ask it every question I hold. It's done such a good job at keeping things from me. He can hear my heart while I can't. Not even in the most peaceful and quiet place. I try to ask my heart questions but my mind answers instead. So I don't get any help figuring this out. Looks like I have to do this on my own. Think…I got lonely from my last break-up. Now what could have caused me to like Ian…? If it even happened then? "Remember all the times you told me you were fine when I knew you were deeply upset?" Ian's words that he told me earlier in the day brought back the memory of my last break-up in July of 2003.

Teresa called me on the 23rd in the afternoon, telling me to meet her by the fountain in the park. I hadn't seen her in a week and a half because she went on a trip with her family. So I rode my bike there, excited to see her pretty face again. The sun was glimmering on her porcelain and creamy skin when I arrived on my bike, and she gave me a weak smile as she sat on the edge of the big fountain. She looked so girly in her pink skirt, white sandals, light green shirt with her shiny blonde hair resting down past her shoulders. I hugged her happily as I sat down next to her, grinning while she wasn't. It surprised me when she didn't hug me back or say she missed me. She just said: "Hey, Anthony." calmly. My smile faded when she looked troubled. "I don't really know how to say this but…I'm moving." Her green eyes looked into mine sadly. "…To where?" I asked, hoping it wasn't far away. Teresa sighed and stared down at the ground. "To Seattle, Washington. My dad got a job offer that pays well and now my family is moving away from here." She looked at me, looking less devastated than me. "For good." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The only girlfriend I had really fallen in love with, the one sweet and adorable girl I had been dating for four months was suddenly abandoning me. She went on when I was speechless. "I'm only fifteen. I can't drive and I can't decide to stay here. I'm going to be all the way in Washington, Anthony. I'll never be able to see you. Long-distance relationships never work out…so I have to put an end to us." My heart was shattering and I was falling apart before her eyes, but I did my best to push back the tears forming in my eyes. "Y-y-you're the only girl who I've seriously fallen in love with. I-I can't believe this…" My vision blurred and my eyes stung but I kept the tears back. She wasn't crying; she looked like she was standing strong. Not because she didn't love me as much as I loved her, but because she was the one who had to break us up. She had to make it final; and not make me think that I could find a way to still be with her. Teresa put her arm around my shoulders but it didn't comfort me. "Anthony, you gotta move past me. It's just unfair if you refuse to date other girls because you still love me. And if we keep in contact, it will be harder for us to move on. The last thing I want to do is move away and cut you out of my life. But I have no choice. I'm moving tomorrow. I hope you don't think badly of me because of this. I still love you so much…but I have to let you go. I hope another girl can make you as happy as I did." She delicately kissed my cheek and murmured: "Goodbye, Anthony." Teresa left, already knowing I didn't have the heart to say goodbye. The last thing I saw was her getting in a white car which drove off before I finally let hot tears slip down my face. I trusted her. I had no doubt in my mind that she was moving. She was brave to tell me that she had to stop loving me. I just hoped it would be as hard for her as it would be for me. "T-the only girl…the only one…I gave a shit about." It was damn near impossible to stop my crying as I sat there in public, probably being watched. So after maybe a minute of adjusting to the shock and sorrow, I wiped away the tears on my wet face and got on my bike and rode home as fast as I could. My mom was at work so no one witnessed my breakdown when I stormed into my room, locking my door, kicking my shoes off violently, and dove into my bed, pulling the covers up to my neck as I uncontrollably sobbed into my pillow. I had no idea how much time had gone by until I got a text message from Ian asking if I wanted to play a videogame he just bought. I texted back that I didn't want to and I wanted to be alone. But there was a good chance Ian would come over because I sounded so upset. When he didn't text back a minute later, I saw that it was 5:30PM. And by the way I was so tired, I had fallen asleep for about two and a half hours after my fit of crying. I never cried; I considered guys who did were pussies. But I had a good reason. Heartbreak was the worst kind of sadness there was, and it was drenched over my aching heart. I was surprised at how it kept beating. My spirit had died, my will had died, my care for anything died, my happiness died, and my motivation to do anything died, too. So why not my heart? Why couldn't it stop beating and let my emotional pain be taken away from me? I didn't hate Teresa; I hated my life and the endless sadness that wouldn't go away. The only thing I did for the rest of the day was use the restroom, get a drink of water, sleep, then tell my mom I wasn't hungry when she came home that night and cooked dinner. Ian didn't text me back, respecting my boundaries. My eyes were burning as I forced myself back asleep at 9PM, ignoring my stomach that growled and the thoughts that tried to keep me awake. "Don't even let me dream. There is no pain in sleep. I want to sleep forever…" I was too exhausted to cry again and get all emotional. It was easy to fall asleep. But it was harder to stay asleep. And it was damn impossible to wake up early in the morning and want to be conscious. It was 6AM and the house was quiet when I dragged myself out of bed to get a drink. My stomach ached and growled as I passed the fridge. It demanded food but eating didn't seem worth it. Nothing was worth it. I had slept most of the day before and even my brain was telling me to start my day I didn't listen to it. I drank my glass of water, changed into my Pikachu pajamas and got back in bed. "Fuck it all." I cursed into my pillow. The last thing I did before I forced myself asleep again was shut off my phone; the last thing I needed was contact with another person. How long it would be before I would begin to get passed the break-up I didn't know. Staying locked up in my room wouldn't help me move on but I didn't care. Life was cruel, so why the hell would I want to go out and live it? Rays of sunlight slipped through the blinds on my window, one of them flashing straight into my shut eyes. The blinding light woke me up from a dark and silent sleep, and my stomach grumbled as loud as I groaned. "Fine!" Not exactly sure why I was so fed up when I was just hungry, I threw the covers off me when getting out of bed, stomped to my door, haphazardly yanking it open which then slammed into my forehead. "Are you kidding me??" I hissed, holding my forehead and getting angrier. I stormed out to the kitchen, nearly chucked a Hot Pocket into the microwave, and stood in the kitchen impatiently waiting. My stomach growled again and I looked down, unhinged. "I'm fucking feeding you! Calm the fuck down and don't tell me what to do!" I shouted, realizing just how ridiculous I was being. I was talking to my body like it was a person. It was a good thing my mom wasn't around to see me so crazy. It felt really strange to sit at the kitchen table in my bright yellow pajamas with bedhead, eating alone and in total silence. Summer break was almost over. School started in early August, and if I was that much of a prick once school started, my grades would suffer. I had fifteen days to be over Teresa and back to my normal self. And after screaming at myself, I was off to a bad start. My body wouldn't let me get tired after I ate so I couldn't go back to sleep. I didn't have any motivation to do anything but I needed to be distracted or else my mind would be obsessing over Teresa. Videogames would provide that distraction since I was too lazy to do anything else. "Face it. She's already gone." In my mind I imagined Teresa in a car headed up to Washington, a frown on her pretty face and missing me. Maybe she was doing that. But the downer in me imagined her all happy and already moved on. Possibly already having a new boyfriend. That made me punch the living fuck out of Scorpion on Mortal Kombat. It was easier to stay angry at the world than find happiness. Teresa had just broken up with me the day before. I wasn't ready to move on yet. And I didn't want to because I didn't want to stop loving her. She was loyal and kind; she was the only girlfriend I had that had fallen for my personality and not my handsome looks. It wasn't my goal in life to make myself look stunning for girls; when I was clean and happy, I looked good. But I knew there were probably plenty of other guys who lived in Washington that were my age and better looking than me. And picturing my lovely girl with a guy who I thought could look cooler than me got on my last nerve. In round two Scorpion came back with a vengeance and killed the shit out of my character. Shooting up off the couch, I clutched the PlayStation controller and prepared to throw it at the TV in rage, aiming to the left of it as it left my hand. It slammed into the wall but didn't break. If it hit the TV, the screen could have cracked. I didn't need my mom shouting at me for an hour straight. "Fuck you, fuck this game-" My pointer finger jabbed the power button on the PlayStation and also the button on the TV, still in an unbelievable rage when I stormed off to my room. It was 3PM but there was no need to get dressed when I wasn't going out to do anything. I almost didn't want to turn on my phone but I did anyways, feeling like crap when I had three new text messages from Ian. No one had called or texted me. The first text was sent at 7:43AM that morning when I was asleep. "Are you okay? What's wrong?" Another was sent at 9:26. "Really, what's going on? Let me come over and we can talk." The last one was sent just fifteen minutes before I woke up. "Dude don't ignore me. If you're upset over something you can talk to me. It's not like I'll think you're a cry baby or something." Great. So I was not only a prick to myself but a prick to my best friend, too. I was about to finally text back saying I had to deal with it myself but a loud knock on the front door made me jump. After a few seconds with no one to answer the door, the knocking got louder to the point of whoever it was felt the need to bash their whole fist against the door several times. "Dammit." Getting the door made me say dammit in my head when it was Ian who looked annoyed. But that look turned to confusion when his blue eyes looked me over, seeing me in my Pikachu pajamas with my usually combed hair a total mess. Instead of a hello I got: "You look like shit." He got my text message of me wanting to be alone but what he thought was a caring friend I saw as him being nosy. "What do you want?" I snapped, feeling like a massive douchebag, which caused his attitude to worsen. "I came here to find out why the fuck you've been avoiding me. Not to mention why you're so upset. You know I care about you. Now are you gonna let me in or what?" My first thought was to slam the door in his face but it would have only made things worse if he got mad at me. So I sucked it up and let him in with gritted teeth, following him into my bedroom for a long chat. We sat on my bed, both in a shitty mood and Ian the only one wanting to talk. "What happened?" His tone wasn't demanding but soft and concerned. His voice caused me to get bummed out. My eyes fell from his to my covers, the pure white reminding me of snow. "I don't want to talk about it." My mumbled response made Ian get upset. "Please tell me." He begged, his blue eyes shimmering and the most desperate look on his face when my eyes trailed up to him. All he wanted was to help, and seeing Ian so worried about me just made my anger sizzle away. I couldn't feel anything but sadness at that point. "…Teresa broke up with me." His jaw dropped slightly and a small gasp escaped him. "She wanted to see me yesterday and when I hoped it was because she missed me after us being apart for over a week. But no. She straight-up told me it was because her family was moving to Washington. She was so brave as she said she had to put our relationship to an end and she didn't want me to be without love just because she lived so far away. There was no way she could come visit me so that would be the last day I saw her. I wanted to cry so bad when she said she had to let me go. She had to stop loving me and I had to do the same. She broke the news to me in the kindest way but her words hurt so much. She said goodbye, the last thing she would ever say to me. I didn't have it in me to say the same. She left today, out of my life forever. Teresa said she didn't want me to hate her for that…I don't hate her. She was so sweet…and loved me for me. I felt like she was the one." My eyes teared up but I refused to let Ian see me cry. But I looked away with my sight blurry, all the heartbreak coming back as I re-told what happened. After a few moments of silence, Ian asked hesitantly: "The one who you would want to marry and spend the rest of your life with? I've never heard of two fifteen year-olds doing that. How can you be sure Teresa was "the one"?" My quiet voice cracked and tears slipped down my cheeks when I choked: "I don't know." There went my plan to not cry in front of him. Ian faded away when I shut my eyes and covered my face with my hands, but I felt his strong hug he pulled me into. It was just stupid of me to not go to him right away. That's what best friends were for. My tears began dampening his left shoulder as I heard him say in my ear: "Darkness has fallen. An empty nighttime won't give you a sunrise now. Stars won't shine and songbirds won't sing. The only noise will be sorrow and heartbreak, echoing in the endless abyss that has opened in your heart. The person you gave your life to has walked out and shut and locked the door behind them. No matter how much you run to find the one that got away, you won't find her. But you can run to me. I keep my door to you open at all times. I'll give you a sunrise, I'll make the stars shine and the songbirds sing. When you come to me, I'll put light in your heart. I promise. Just give me a chance. I can't love you like she did…but I can love you as my best friend. I'll be here. I'll listen to your even if it takes hours on end. Things won't get better right away but let me help. Give me a chance…okay?" Ian's bittersweet and poetic words only made me cry harder, my fingers digging into his back as his soft hands rubbed my shaking one. It took several agonizing moments to interrupt my sobs to barely stutter out with a broken voice: "O-o-okay!" I had never cried in front of him before. Never really opened myself up so much. Ian looked up to me and admired my emotional strength. And I had no doubt in my mind that he was so determined to comfort me in any way possible because I did the same for him. When we were thirteen his dog Sparky died suddenly on a foggy, cold, and wet February morning. I decided to pay him a surprise visit, so happy up until I opened his bedroom door and saw Ian laying on his bed with his face buried in his pillow. At first I thought he was still asleep until I heard him shakily ask: "What?" knowing it was me since his mom was at work. He was so heartbroken from losing his beloved dog that he couldn't try to act okay in front of me. As soon as he heard me ask if he was feeling alright he started sobbing and couldn't stop even as I hugged him for over twenty minutes, listening to him tell me how he woke up to find Sparky lying motionless in the backyard and unable to wake up. He had no idea why Sparky passed away but Ian said he loved him and gave a sad goodbye. Ian ran to his room while his mom was going to take their dog to get the poor thing buried in a pet cemetery. That's how much Sparky meant to them. His older sister was at a friend's house for a weekend sleepover and still didn't know what happened to Sparky. For weeks on end I was there for Ian while he was still in mourning, usually breaking down into tears the first two weeks I stayed with him. I slept over at his house constantly until he had finally moved on and was ready to live without his most beloved pet by his side. So it was no surprise to me when Ian stayed with me the rest of the day and kept me company for the days afterwards, comforting me with soft hugs and gentle, inspiring words. He kept away the anger and loneliness and slowly replaced my heartbreak with new hope. I wouldn't have been able to get over Teresa on my own and his dedication to keep me okay made me appreciate Ian so much. He became more than a best friend after that. He was more of a guardian and a beacon of hope. I didn't say that to him but he knew how much he meant to me when I found happiness once more, and it was only because of him. My best friend who always kept his door open. For me.

My eyes were too heavy to open as I mumbled: "That could have done it." Who knew how long I was lost in my memories. All the drama played out in my head brought on exhaustion, causing my time set aside for thinking of all the reasons I might have liked Ian to end. Whatever. If I like him then I like him. I'm done giving a shit about all this drama. My covers were warm over me and my pillow felt like a cloud in the darkness of my room. I would need a good night's sleep to sort out the rest of my feelings in the morning.