Teenage Dream
Teenage Dream
Chapter Four
The Final Secret
Ian's POV
Something soft moved under me quickly before something hit the top of my head. "Hey, butt-munch. Get up. Me and mom are going shopping and you gotta come with." It was my older sister rudely waking me up. I didn't have time to talk back before she hit my head with my pillow again. "We're leaving in five minutes. Get your lazy butt out of bed." When I heard her leave my room, I sat up nearly growling in anger. "I don't want to go shopping. Why the fuck do I need to go?" My day was seriously off to a bad start and it was barely 9AM. I changed into a black t-shirt that was on my floor and wrinkled grey jeans as an outfit. "You're just jealous I'm awesome…and you're freakin stupid." I cussed out my dumb sister a few times while tying my shoes, skipping brushing my teeth when I was hurried by my mom. "I'm coming!" I shouted in the bathroom, flinching when brushing my hair too hard. My left hand clenched my cell phone as I headed out the door and into the car with my mom and sister. I was slumped in the backseat while they talk constantly about stupid things on the way to Target.
I played Tetris on my crappy flip phone and tried to drown out their noise. I was still thirty bucks short of buying an MP3 player. Then I could block out any distraction with good music I could take anywhere. "So Lonnie took me out to dinner last night, paid for all the expensive food, then we walked in the park at sunset where he showed me this." From the front seat I heard my mom gasp and get all excited over some bracelet Melissa's boyfriend bought her. I wasn't paying attention to their chatter until my sister brought my name up. "Maybe Ian can be a true gentleman when he gets a girlfriend." I looked up from my phone to see her turned in her seat and smirking at me. She could have been insulting me by saying I'd never get a girlfriend or I really could be nice to a girlfriend when I managed to get one. And her smirk could have been sly or mean; either way I didn't say anything and went back to my game. Psh, she's nineteen and thinks she knows everything. I'll get a girlfriend one d- "Anthony, do you really want me to be your boyfriend?" The words I said to him the day before rung out in my head and stunned me. I had been so angry and tired that morning, it kept me distracted from thinking about the biggest thing going on in my life. Anthony and mine's friendship was getting weird. The day before when we decided to move on and just be friends, I could tell Anthony was distracted the whole time we hung out. I tried to keep his mind focused on the dumb fun we were having at the playground but he kept trailing off and going into deep thought. We agreed to move on but it was the last thing we were doing.
The constant shock of Anthony possibly having a deep crush on me that not even he knew about wore me out emotionally. Since the time he kissed me a few days before, Anthony was always on my mind. The only time when he wasn't was when I was asleep or had just woken up. Other than that, Anthony's face was in my mind morning, noon, and night. He made me question my looks. I looked at my average body in the mirror, trying to figure out what made me seem attractive. My mom said I had a young and innocent face but I wasn't a tough and masculine guy. And Anthony wasn't attracted to that. But I didn't have a slender and girly figure either. So could he have only been drawn to my personality? I was loveable enough. It was getting too tiresome to worry about what Anthony felt for me. When the three of us got to Target, I followed them around while they had the most boring conversations and looked at the dumbest stuff. They gossiped while looking at clothes, paying no attention to me since I was basically invisible. And they knew I wasn't in the mood to talk; they probably believed it was because Melissa pissed me off with the rude wake up. Part of it was, but my anger mixed with tiredness turned to frustration. If they tried talking to me I would probably snap at them.
We passed the electronics section and my mom asked nicely: "Ian, do you want to go look at CDs and movies?" She looked surprised when I shook my head. "No. It's a waste of time." I said slowly with a big frown. Damn how I wished I was home. Melissa snickered at me. "Mom, I think it's that time of month for him." They both laughed from saying I was grumpy because I was on my period which I didn't even have since I wasn't a girl. Melissa got serious when I glared at them. "It's a joke, Ian. Chill out." They went back to ignoring me when I scoffed and got even more annoyed. The shopping trip was a total waste of time for me since I didn't buy anything and just followed them around for an hour. They talked about the couple of items they bought while I sat in the backseat bored again. My eyes gazed out the window and threatened to close for a nap, my early wake up making me tired. I'm fucking going back to bed. And I was allowed to when we got home. My mom and sister didn't bother to socialize with me while I was in such a bad mood. So I locked my bedroom door, kicked off my shoes, and crawled into bed and under my covers, ignoring the daylight that was supposed to keep me awake. Stop. Don't love me Anthony. I don't feel the same way. Let's go back…to the way we used to be…
The five hour nap was just what I needed to get my mood back on track. That was until dinnertime later that night. My mom, me, and my sister sat at the dinner table having pleasant conversations until Melissa pissed me off again. "Ian, is Anthony really your only friend? That's kinda sad." Her tone let me know she was saying I was a loser. My mom didn't say anything. "Anthony is the only good friend I need. He's the only one I can trust and I know he'll never betray me." Her scoff made my blood boil. "So, what, you're gonna hang out with him all summer?" Now she was just starting an argument. "Yeah, maybe. Because he's fun and doesn't annoy me all the time." Her attitude increased when I was talking about her. "You're like sixteen now and are supposed to be going to places with all your friends. As long as you have older friends over eighteen to look after you, you can go like anywhere. But your plan is to just hang out with Anthony for two months doing nothing. Psh, what a waste of your youth." All my mom did was look at both of us before I snapped. "Oh yeah? Well at least I'll be spending my summer with my best friend and not clinging to a guy and demanding him to buy me shit like you! If that Lonnie guy knew your real personality, he'd never date you! He buys you whatever you want as long as you keep a pretty face and satisfy his needs!" I shouted across the table, my mom saying: "Ian!" in shock.
"Don't talk to your sister like that!" She scolded, but I ignored her and readied myself for Melissa's comeback. "Lonnie loves me because I'm a good person. You're just jealous I'm dating someone because no girl would want you! You make friends by entertaining people with your lame humor and dumb antics. That's not gonna get you a girlfriend, and you don't have enough social skills to even charm a girl. That's why you hate Lonnie. Because he's proof I can find love while you can't!" All of our voices were raised and our dinner was ignored. "Melissa, stop saying that to your brother!" My mom tried to stop the argument but it didn't work. "I can get a girlfriend anytime I want! It's just that all the girls at my school are skanks, bitches, and whores who are desperate for a man to proof their worth just like YOU!" Normally it would have taken a lot more arguing to get me totally enraged but my nerves were very sensitive that day. Melissa and I were glaring at each other with clenched teeth, ready to rip each other's heads off. Now my mom was the most pissed.
"Both of you stop it! Stop arguing right now or you're both grounded." Melissa rolled her eyes and didn't listen. "I would love to stop arguing but someone needs to put this kid in his place and make him respect others." My hands clenched into fists on the table. "How about I stop this argument by killing you and throwing your body in the fucking gutter!" My fists slammed onto the table and Melissa looked disgusted and got up. "Ugh, didn't you get him tested or something, mom? Get him on more medication; he's fucking psychotic now." She pushed me in my chair as she walked past, calling out: "I'm going to Lonnie's for the night." She officially won the argument as she walked out the door and slammed it behind her. My mom was furious at me when I looked at her. "Go to your room and stay there for the next five days because you're grounded!" Acting tough, I snapped back: "Thanks for being on my side, mom." I left the dinner table, still hungry since I barely got the chance to eat my food. I slammed and locked my bedroom door, kicking things that were in my way.
"This is all your fault, Anthony." Wait, no don't say that. I'm just frustrated because our friendship is complicated now. Melissa is the one who pisses me off. She doesn't get me. Do I really come off that worthless? Then why the fuck does Anthony want me so bad? No answers came to me as I laid on my bed listening to music on my stereo. My room light was too bright at night and distracting when I tried to think so I shut it off and let subtle techno beats play out around me. I'm saying that Anthony wants me but he was so confused and in denial last time I saw him. I'm sure he's been thinking just as much as I have. So by now I bet he's convinced himself that he doesn't have a crush on me and next time I see him, he'll see me as only his best friend. Like it's always been. So there. All my thinking is done. I can finally relax. The sigh of relief I gave was in vain. But what if he starts seeing me…as more? Then do I just reject him? What if I can't convince him to just be my friend? What if my rejection…makes him as depressed as he was when his last girlfriend broke up with him? How can I comfort him and help him move on…when I'm the one he so desperately wants? That would be just cruel. What can he see in me? That no girl has ever wanted? The next sigh I gave was full of frustration and I felt bummed out.
I tore my eyes away from the black ceiling to my wall as I curled up on my right side with my hands clasped together and pressed into my chest softly, a strange smile coming over my face and a humbling feeling rising inside. But at least someone loves me. Someone I care about. No girl has looked into my heart and desired it but Anthony has. He was right. Two people who are friends for a long time first have a way better chance at falling in love and staying that way. I don't know anything about love but what if all this was supposed to happen? Like it's all for some reason? If Anthony never felt this way about me before and is just starting to now…what if it means something? If it's supposed to then…are Anthony's feelings enough to make me feel the same way? My bad mood was lifted and now I was slightly excited from such a taboo subject and curious from exploring new territory. I didn't know if that would really happen but his crush was making my mind run in circles and get all confused. It was looking over things I had already thought about and didn't have an answer to, give an answer that couldn't be proven, then do that to the dozens of other questions pacing around in my head. Maybe I should ask him about it…
Two knocks rang out on the other side of my door, taking away my good mood since it had to be my mom. I paused my music, turned on the bedroom light and opened the door and seeing my mom looking less pissed but still irritated. She stepped past me and walked into my room uninvited, stepping out of line when she grabbed my cell phone on my nightstand. "Wh-hey!" Panic struck when she grabbed my Game Boy, knowing where I kept my five game cards and snatching those, too. "You're grounded, remember? No video games, no calls to friends, no TV, and no hanging out with Anthony until you're un-grounded." She explained herself further when I looked at her in horror. "I'm being fair, Ian. When your sister snuck out of the house two months ago, got in a car with some drunk friends and wound up in a car crash that luckily injured no one, I grounded the shit out of her. She was stuck here every day and had to clean up the house for three weeks. Melissa was teasing you but she always does and you've never reacted as horribly as you did tonight. You threatened to kill her! I know you would never do it but you can't go unpunished. It's five days for you. Read a book, be creative with stuff, and find something to do or you'll be in your room sleeping and being bored. And you'll get chores."
With my most entertaining devices in her hands, she looked satisfied but her mean tone stayed. "And you can start by cleaning your room. And doing your laundry." That was the second battle I lost that day. My frustration was back. But at least it wasn't towards Anthony. Hanging out with him sounded very tempting than the kind of hell I would probably be in for. And looking around my room, it wasn't as messy as she made it sound. Yes my bed wasn't made, there were more clothes on my floor than in my dresser, soda cans and cups were hanging around, and a lot of stuff in my room was out of order, but it wasn't that bad. Psh, I don't wanna clean this shit. But dammit…she'll probably come back in to make sure I'm cleaning. Fuck. Half-assing it, I kicked my clothes into one big pile then stuffed them into my closet, picked up my knickknacks off the floor and lazily put them on my dresser. It took three trips to the kitchen to empty the soda cans and cups, and my covers were wrinkled and far from a well-made bed, but I didn't give a damn. "There. Clean" It was easier to walk around in my room with nothing on the carpet but "cleaning" only lasted for about ten minutes.
Now there was nothing to do for fun. My mom told me to read but I could never focus for more than five minutes even if I tried. Books were boring. Except Captain Underpants. It was more of a picture book but it was entertaining and there wasn't a bunch of boring pages and words. I wasn't creative. What, did she expect me to make arts and crafts? I couldn't draw, write, or read good and there were no games; she took them away. Her intention was to keep me as bored and unhappy for the five days and it would hopefully teach me not to talk back to my stupid sister. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. The day I would respect Melissa would be the day she stopped being mean to me. Our sibling rivalry would never go away; it was impossible. It was 9:40 and I chose to go to bed, locking my door so my mom couldn't barge in and changing into my Poké ball pajamas. It was completely dark in my room and quiet outside when I snuggled under the covers for a good night's sleep.
Sparkling white broke through the darkness and it was light that had actually woken me up from a deep sleep. My eyes felt blinded when I tried to open them so I snapped them shut and turned over in bed, finally able to see my room clearly. "What the-" The blinding light was just a reflection off a car parked out on the street but it was shining in through my window, past my open blinds, and directly to my face. My alarm clock on my nightstand read 11:42AM and everything came back to me when I couldn't find my phone. "Fuck." But at least my mom was at work and my sister was probably still with that Lonnie guy so I had the house to myself. Even though I was grounded, I went into the office room my mom used mostly to get on the internet. I was banned but no one was home so it was okay, right? I checked my email first, not surprised when I had nothing new. But my IM icon showed that Anthony was currently online, probably bored at his house. Should I talk to him? My answer was clear when I got into a private chat room with him.
Ianator64: Dude im grounded
I opened a new tab and checked MySpace while waiting for a response. I didn't have any new messages; it was kind of sad how unimportant I seemed. The small binging noise told me he responded.
Pikadude96: What did u do
Ianator64: I may have told my sis at dinner that I was going to kill her
Pikadude96: Wooow great job. What made u say that
Ianator64: She was saying how im too much of a loser to get a girlfriend and I said her boyfriend was just using her and she only wanted him to buy her shit. My mom flipped out when I said I could kill her and throw her body in a gutter. And instead of punishing her for starting it, she said im grounded for five days. Dude she took my phone and my Gameboy. She like doesn't want me to have ANY fun. What the hell am I supposed to do dude???
Pikadude96: First u can calm ur shit. Umm…during the day be good and do something at night for fun. Idk man. Being grounded sux. We can't hang out right?
Ianator64: Nope
Pikadude96: Umm…u can like do stupid shit to cure ur boredom. Like make origami swans and shit. Make an imaginary friend XD and make him dumber than u LOLOLOL!!!!!
That sounded like the old Anthony. When he used to insult me rather than say how awesome I was like he started doing after school let out.
Ianator64: T__T or I could kill my mom and sis and do whatever I want
Pikadude96: 0____0????
Ianator64: JUST KIDDING!! XD That's probably the actual face ur making right now. But maybe I should make an imaginary friend….OMG I can make Pikachu be it! He can understand me and like tell me the adventures he went on with Ash, Brock, and Misty. And I can get into imaginary Pokémon battles and shit. >__> oh god it sounds awesome…
Pikadude96: No offense, but u sound like a massive loner and loser right now.
Ianator64: T_T im offended
Pikadude96: When I get grounded (which like never happens cuz I watch my mouth around the fam) during the day I would behave but at night I would sneak out and ride my bike around the neighborhood and chill at the playground thinking about the universe O__o
Ianator64: Sounds cool. Idk. If I thought about the universe I would be like it's big then think about other shit.
Pikadude96: No like think about everything in life dude. I'm not a star fan. I don't think of galaxies and shit. It was just an expression.
Ianator64: It was?
Pikadude96: Fuck I don't know. U can be bored during the day and sneak out if ur mom won't do random nightly checks like a weirdo.
Ianator64: But im like a scrawny dude and im so awesome that if I went out at like 2am I would probably get kidnapped by dudes and get like raped. I don't wanna go out there at the dead of night 0___0
Pikadude96: Then come to my house : ) its summer and I don't need nightly sleep. As long as we're quiet we can chill in my room or we can go outside and ride our bikes in the neighborhood. That's something u can do during the day. Sleep and be awake when we hang out. Do u wanna do that?
I couldn't tell if he was over me or not. Did he want me to come over because we could hang out and have dumb fun like we used to? Or did he want me to come over so he could get closer to me and try to get me to like him more than just a friend? The few days apart could give him time to get back to normal.
Ianator64: Um…Idk I don't wanna get caught and be in more trouble. Maybe I should play it safe. Be bored as hell for five days then we can hang out again.
It took two minutes for him to write back and the whole time the little notification thing didn't say he was typing. I thought he was maybe off doing something.
Pikadude96: Ur lying. U don't want to hang out with me now. Ur afraid I'm like gay for u now
He was completely right and the brutal truth from Anthony made my heart beat fast and make me scared.
Ianator64: …are u?
Pikadude96: NO. U were wrong about my feelings. I got caught up in the moment with that kiss and I got fucking confused after that but now it's clear. I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY. But fine. Stick to ur lie and stay "safe". U can't even trust me. Then don't come over. God, ur paranoia pisses me off. I'll let u know when we can hang out
He exited the chat room while I sat there completely shocked. He got so angry and I was trying to be so careful not to give myself away. "…I'm such a dumbass." God, even if I was paranoid about him feeling that way for me, I should have just said yes and hoped he didn't. It's going to be more than five days until I can see him again. Damn…I don't like it when he's mad at me. That went so horribly that I was too depressed to find something fun to do. I was awake for almost a half-hour and I went back to bed, my door locked, my blinds shut, and my covers over my eyes as I tried to block out the light of day. "God dammit, Ian. You are beyond stupid." I groaned, finding it easy to go to sleep since I was so damn depressed.
Every day I kept myself in my room while grounded which left me so much time to think. Every hour I asked myself if Anthony had stopped being mad at me and then if he was lying to me about his feelings or not. It left me feeling defeated, and I did the chores my mom wanted me to do and I didn't talk to Melissa at all. I got all my fun games back and my phone on the 26th but absolutely no one had texted or called me while I was grounded. Yep, Anthony was still mad at me. The guilt of rejecting his possible feelings up front got to me and I had begun telling myself that I should have been totally okay with it if he really started to like me. I wouldn't give him that kind of attention but I would have tried to slowly make him stop loving me. But maybe Anthony was right. Maybe he wasn't falling for me and I was the one confusing him. Whatever the case, it sucked being totally alone for days and being completely unwanted. By June 1st I was fed up with the constant questions in my head so even if Anthony still didn't want to talk to me, that was too bad because I had rode my bike to his house at four o'clock without telling him. My fist knocked hard on his front door and my spirit was tough when he answered the door, but the first words out of my mouth were: "I'm sorry." The brave look on his face that was ready for an argument broke and Anthony looked ready to hear me out.
I stood on his porch not sure where to begin but shoving down all the questions I wanted to ask him concerning his strange feelings. I couldn't dwell on it. We both agreed to move past it and he told me himself that he never liked me in that way. "…I-I don't know why I wanted to know if that kiss really meant something. It was just one little thing and I took it way out of proportion, trying to make it into something I could understand. And I didn't see that you were trying to get past it and forget it happened. But I…started making all these claims about you and I didn't know if they were even remotely true. I said they were and you were so confused that you probably started to believe me. I can't believe I said…those things. And I'm sorry, Anthony. Can we be friends again?" His brown eyes stared into mine and he remained frowning, his arms crossed and probably thinking things over. I didn't want to say he was. I didn't want to make more claims. A couple moments passed between us until Anthony was ready to say something.
"Ian, you think you know me so well, and even though you do know a lot about me than anyone else, you're still not me. And you really didn't know what the fuck you were talking about when you said my heart was in love with you. It makes no sense. You got way too carried away with this and I did, too. But until I actually confess I feel that way, you have no right to think I do. I thought everything over and the reason I kissed you was because I felt sorry that you would have to wait for a girlfriend to know what love is. Honestly, I don't have much faith in you. I just can't see you getting a girl to love you. You were my friend and I didn't want to see you get depressed over the summer just because you couldn't be in a relationship. I was used to kissing from my previous girlfriends and even if I didn't think of it at that moment, I kissed you to help you out. So you wouldn't be wanting one all summer from no girl you knew. We're not little kids anymore. We're sixteen and by this time we're supposed to know what love is and want it. But you can't get a girlfriend. I was just trying to help you out. I don't think of you as anything else but my friend." My own heart was aching from his terrible and hurtful words. I had just apologized and he didn't accept it and instead told me how idiotic and wrong I was. I told him what he wanted to hear and he was still mad at me.
"…Okay. I'm amazingly stupid and I fucked up big time. Is there any way we can go back to how things used to be?" Anthony shrugged, his bad mood causing me to lose my motivation to get on better terms with him. I was so emotionally worn out and if he said there wasn't then I didn't know how much fight in me I had left. "…Yeah I guess. Just as long as we don't talk about it anymore." Anthony let me inside much to my surprise but didn't look any happier when we were in his room with nothing to talk about. I sat in the computer chair awkwardly, watching Anthony pick out a black Vans shirt and pair of pants from his closet. "I'm taking a shower. I was busy today so find something to do." He bluntly said to me before leaving his room and shutting the door behind him. "Okay then…" I knew Anthony was officially in the bathroom when I heard the water running. Find something to do…um. I looked around his room blankly until I turned the chair around and looked on his desk. Eh, maybe I could go on the computer. W-what's that? My eyes went to a red composition book lying just a foot from me, odd since Anthony had already thrown out all of his school supplies. I grabbed it and flipped it open, disappointed when the first page was blank. Then what does he need it for-oh. Only the first four pages were blank. But on the fifth there was a large paragraph written in pencil. It had the date and time up at the top. What for? Interested, I took a peek.
May 24th 2004 3:56PM
This is only a one-time thing. I'm just writing this to get all my damn thoughts out of my head. I'm all sorts of pissed off and confused. Something's not right…at all. It's been two days since I stopped talking to Ian and now I'm home all day and bored. And I keep thinking about this. On the 19th I felt so close to him. Once the stupid ADHD shit was out of the way, I just enjoyed being around him. I liked it when he gave me all that attention and when he played along with that lame gummy bear chase. Something in me changed. Like my tough guy persona just melted away and we were in such a nice BFF moment. But then he got too close and it freaked me out. Then THAT happened. I don't know what came over me. Just in that moment…when talking about love and how great it was, it was either that it made me miss what I had with Teresa or it was Ian that caused it. But I want it to be the first one. When I was talking about romance I missed it but I would rather believe that the reason I did what I did was because I had gone without it for like a year. I don't want to say this but I need to get my thoughts out. At that moment…when my eyes were shut and I didn't know what the hell I was doing…it was Ian. I don't want to believe it because it seems so wrong but damn. It was the fact that it was my best friend and it was something totally new and like forbidden. But also because it was so easy. It was Ian. I've known him for years and we're always together and having fun. It wasn't hard to kiss him. I felt so amazing in those few seconds and I can't deny it anymore. It was Ian. I got so quickly attracted to him and I was almost sincere when I asked if he might have wanted to go out with me, thinking that maybe he would say yes. He said it was awesome and just from that I took it to a whole new level. I imaged what it would be like if we dated, and I'm still not sure if I just missed being in a relationship or I really wanted him. It's just…he was so damn amazing. Everything about him that I liked before got escalated and suddenly that dumb guy became like a fucking glorious knight in shining armor. It happened so fast and only until the next day did I realize what the hell I asked. Well he forced it out of me but that's not the point. That one kiss was so spectacular and romantic that it alone could have made me want to date him. And I'm straight. Is Ian just that special? I was in love for the rest of the day…and now after telling Ian all that stuff online, I'm not sure if I'm lying to myself or not. The confusion and frustration has taken the attraction away but what if…you know. What if this like means something? What if Ian is the like best thing for me? If one kiss made me feel that way, does this mean that it's not wrong to let myself continue this? It was so easy to be attracted to him and now it's so hard to deny it. To make up other reasons. I still don't know what the fuck he was talking about when he said my heart loved him or something but…fuck. He's like different than other guys. There's something about him…that I really might like. But what? I'm freaked out now. So I guess this is it. Bye.
I sat there stunned, unable to move and unable to take my eyes away from what he wrote. It had been five days after the kiss when Anthony wrote that and he was still attracted to me. Then he was lying about what he said on the internet. He had feelings for me but he reacted so harshly when I asked if he did. He was scared. I checked to hear the water running and it still was, giving me time to read another entry on the next page.
May 28th 9:46PM
Okay so maybe it wasn't a one-time thing with this writing shit. I'm still alone all day and night. In my room feeling more lonely than bored. I know that Ian still thinks I'm super mad at him but I'm just…feeling too off. I can't fight it man. The awesomeness of the kiss outweighs how wrong it was. I haven't felt that way before. That intensely in love. My past girlfriends had more faults than good things I liked about them. Each one was sketchy deep down and fake. Pretty and slim girly girls were usually fake on some level. And when I would ask them what they liked about me, their first answer was how handsome I was. How cute I acted. They liked me for everything but my true personality. They didn't want to date an immature guy who enjoyed acting like a complete idiot just for laughs. I like being dumb and irresponsible. I like getting in trouble sometimes over the stupidest shit. Like pissing off the neighbors and teasing their pets. I liked being loud and obnoxious. It was way more fun than saying how much I loved and cared about a preppy girl. None of them got me. And their faults made them less attractive so the kisses didn't mean much. And not to mention that they wanted me to sleep with them and they didn't understand why I turned them down. So being dumb girls, they took it way too personally and thought I was selfish and thought they weren't good enough for me. They weren't the ones for me and it was clear when I had gone through four girlfriends in a year. They were so fucking fake and didn't get me. I didn't accept their faults and I didn't get to know them from that but I already accepted everything about Ian and took the time to find out who he was. That's why it was so romantic. He was my closest friend and I was so comfortable and safe around him. He loved how stupid I acted and I loved it when he did, too. We were so similar and I liked everything about him. It was so easy to kiss him…so easy to fall in love. Too easy. And now after how amazing I felt, I have to throw it all away, keep him as just a friend, and wait until school starts to get another girlfriend. There's no way she could make me feel the same way…it's hard to do this. I want to stay happy but I can't. Ian doesn't feel the same way so it's pointless to hold onto this…good feeling. I have to fight it. For myself and for him. Nothing can come from this. Not even if we both enjoyed that small moment. I gotta move on.
Anthony was in love with me. I hoped he wasn't and so did he. Yes the kiss was amazing for me but it didn't instantly make me fall in love with him. I mean he was so much more amazing for the rest of the day but it wasn't enough to make me feel what he was feeling. I was so special and unique to him that it made me seem so insanely attractive. It was those past girlfriends that really contributed to his feelings. No wonder why I don't feel that way about him. I haven't dated any fake girls or any girls in general. His relationships were so bad that someone as simple and unattractive as me seemed glorious. Fuck now I really don't want a girlfriend. There was one more page and it was the shortest. And it was written three hours before I came to see him.
June 1st 1:12PM
I can't do this. No matter how much I keep telling myself that it's impossible because he's a guy, my brain won't let me think that way. I've fought and fought but I'm on my knees and can't win. This is too hard. I desperately want to regret kissing him. For everything it's caused. I regret the kiss because it's made me be at war with myself and with Ian. I regret it because it's causing me heartache and pain. I regret it because I'm losing myself. I regret that Ian now thinks I'm totally in love with him. I regret that now I'm going to have to seem cold and tough next time I see him. My actions have caused me such hell but I don't regret the awesome feelings I got from it. I don't regret feeling the butterflies in my stomach and how my heart throbbed when I looked at him. I don't regret letting myself go for just one day, allowing my heart go to places it's never been before and my mind imagining how great it would feel to be in love again. I went to bed that night with a smile on my face and the last thing I said before I went to sleep was: "If we dated, I'm sure he would be the one." I have tried to fight this. But it's too strong and it's got to mean something. Maybe right now I feel this way but I'm gonna let time go on and see if it takes this love struck feeling away. I miss Ian. I want him next to me…but if I see him soon, I don't know how I would keep my cold attitude up. How long could I fake it until I accidentally get caught up in the moment and kiss him again? I miss the amazing feeling…I miss my best friend. I can't fight this. Fuck it. Maybe time will help but for now…I'm madly in love with Ian.
My jaw was dropped and I couldn't stop staring at those last words. Everything made sense. It was all right there. Written down and I read every word. I just couldn't believe it. I was shocked for so many reasons but the biggest shock of the day was that Anthony's cold behavior towards me was all faked. He wasn't mad at me. He was the one lying. He made me feel so bad about telling him the truth. It almost made me want to laugh. "He's not mad at me. It's fake." I grinned then noticed how silent the house was. The water! He's out of the shower. He's gonna be here any second! Quietly flipping out, I placed the notebook back where it was exactly, made sure the computer chair was facing away from the desk, and I had to put myself away from the thing in general to make it look like I didn't even notice it. He said find something to do. Umm…got it! I spotted the unsolved rubix cube in his closet, and I dashed to it, snatching it and sprinting to his bed where I instantly sat down and leaned against the wall acting all casual and bored just in time. Barely two seconds had passed before Anthony came in, his black hair stringy and damp, in his other clothes and holding the old ones in his hands. I kept my eyes on the cube as Anthony lazily put the dirty clothes on the closet floor before shutting the doors and turning around to face me.
Oh, you're supposed to look kinda depressed. Don't look interested. Frown. My fingers trembled and I was nervous as Anthony watched me for a few moments. He kept his cold mood when he said nothing to me and instead discreetly put his new diary away in the desk drawer then sat at the computer. Anthony was trying to seem like he was ignoring me and not giving a shit I was there, but from what I read he was probably obsessing over me in his mind. He could have been nervous or wanting to pounce on me. He could have been freaking out on the inside but he was calm and collected on the outside. He's probably wondering if I read that or not. He left it out. I could have gotten curious. Heh heh, he didn't have time to put it away because I came to the door and he invited me in. He couldn't put it away all chill-like because he knew I would wonder what was inside. He is probably just begging I didn't read it. Oh I did, lover boy. But I'll do my best to act like I didn't. I've been busy this whole time trying to solve this rubix cube. I uncontrollably grinned slyly, looking past the toy to see Anthony staring at the computer screen blandly like he was bored. I smuggled my grin down, so interested in what was going to happen during my unexpected visit.
The Final Secret
Ian's POV
Something soft moved under me quickly before something hit the top of my head. "Hey, butt-munch. Get up. Me and mom are going shopping and you gotta come with." It was my older sister rudely waking me up. I didn't have time to talk back before she hit my head with my pillow again. "We're leaving in five minutes. Get your lazy butt out of bed." When I heard her leave my room, I sat up nearly growling in anger. "I don't want to go shopping. Why the fuck do I need to go?" My day was seriously off to a bad start and it was barely 9AM. I changed into a black t-shirt that was on my floor and wrinkled grey jeans as an outfit. "You're just jealous I'm awesome…and you're freakin stupid." I cussed out my dumb sister a few times while tying my shoes, skipping brushing my teeth when I was hurried by my mom. "I'm coming!" I shouted in the bathroom, flinching when brushing my hair too hard. My left hand clenched my cell phone as I headed out the door and into the car with my mom and sister. I was slumped in the backseat while they talk constantly about stupid things on the way to Target.
I played Tetris on my crappy flip phone and tried to drown out their noise. I was still thirty bucks short of buying an MP3 player. Then I could block out any distraction with good music I could take anywhere. "So Lonnie took me out to dinner last night, paid for all the expensive food, then we walked in the park at sunset where he showed me this." From the front seat I heard my mom gasp and get all excited over some bracelet Melissa's boyfriend bought her. I wasn't paying attention to their chatter until my sister brought my name up. "Maybe Ian can be a true gentleman when he gets a girlfriend." I looked up from my phone to see her turned in her seat and smirking at me. She could have been insulting me by saying I'd never get a girlfriend or I really could be nice to a girlfriend when I managed to get one. And her smirk could have been sly or mean; either way I didn't say anything and went back to my game. Psh, she's nineteen and thinks she knows everything. I'll get a girlfriend one d- "Anthony, do you really want me to be your boyfriend?" The words I said to him the day before rung out in my head and stunned me. I had been so angry and tired that morning, it kept me distracted from thinking about the biggest thing going on in my life. Anthony and mine's friendship was getting weird. The day before when we decided to move on and just be friends, I could tell Anthony was distracted the whole time we hung out. I tried to keep his mind focused on the dumb fun we were having at the playground but he kept trailing off and going into deep thought. We agreed to move on but it was the last thing we were doing.
The constant shock of Anthony possibly having a deep crush on me that not even he knew about wore me out emotionally. Since the time he kissed me a few days before, Anthony was always on my mind. The only time when he wasn't was when I was asleep or had just woken up. Other than that, Anthony's face was in my mind morning, noon, and night. He made me question my looks. I looked at my average body in the mirror, trying to figure out what made me seem attractive. My mom said I had a young and innocent face but I wasn't a tough and masculine guy. And Anthony wasn't attracted to that. But I didn't have a slender and girly figure either. So could he have only been drawn to my personality? I was loveable enough. It was getting too tiresome to worry about what Anthony felt for me. When the three of us got to Target, I followed them around while they had the most boring conversations and looked at the dumbest stuff. They gossiped while looking at clothes, paying no attention to me since I was basically invisible. And they knew I wasn't in the mood to talk; they probably believed it was because Melissa pissed me off with the rude wake up. Part of it was, but my anger mixed with tiredness turned to frustration. If they tried talking to me I would probably snap at them.
We passed the electronics section and my mom asked nicely: "Ian, do you want to go look at CDs and movies?" She looked surprised when I shook my head. "No. It's a waste of time." I said slowly with a big frown. Damn how I wished I was home. Melissa snickered at me. "Mom, I think it's that time of month for him." They both laughed from saying I was grumpy because I was on my period which I didn't even have since I wasn't a girl. Melissa got serious when I glared at them. "It's a joke, Ian. Chill out." They went back to ignoring me when I scoffed and got even more annoyed. The shopping trip was a total waste of time for me since I didn't buy anything and just followed them around for an hour. They talked about the couple of items they bought while I sat in the backseat bored again. My eyes gazed out the window and threatened to close for a nap, my early wake up making me tired. I'm fucking going back to bed. And I was allowed to when we got home. My mom and sister didn't bother to socialize with me while I was in such a bad mood. So I locked my bedroom door, kicked off my shoes, and crawled into bed and under my covers, ignoring the daylight that was supposed to keep me awake. Stop. Don't love me Anthony. I don't feel the same way. Let's go back…to the way we used to be…
The five hour nap was just what I needed to get my mood back on track. That was until dinnertime later that night. My mom, me, and my sister sat at the dinner table having pleasant conversations until Melissa pissed me off again. "Ian, is Anthony really your only friend? That's kinda sad." Her tone let me know she was saying I was a loser. My mom didn't say anything. "Anthony is the only good friend I need. He's the only one I can trust and I know he'll never betray me." Her scoff made my blood boil. "So, what, you're gonna hang out with him all summer?" Now she was just starting an argument. "Yeah, maybe. Because he's fun and doesn't annoy me all the time." Her attitude increased when I was talking about her. "You're like sixteen now and are supposed to be going to places with all your friends. As long as you have older friends over eighteen to look after you, you can go like anywhere. But your plan is to just hang out with Anthony for two months doing nothing. Psh, what a waste of your youth." All my mom did was look at both of us before I snapped. "Oh yeah? Well at least I'll be spending my summer with my best friend and not clinging to a guy and demanding him to buy me shit like you! If that Lonnie guy knew your real personality, he'd never date you! He buys you whatever you want as long as you keep a pretty face and satisfy his needs!" I shouted across the table, my mom saying: "Ian!" in shock.
"Don't talk to your sister like that!" She scolded, but I ignored her and readied myself for Melissa's comeback. "Lonnie loves me because I'm a good person. You're just jealous I'm dating someone because no girl would want you! You make friends by entertaining people with your lame humor and dumb antics. That's not gonna get you a girlfriend, and you don't have enough social skills to even charm a girl. That's why you hate Lonnie. Because he's proof I can find love while you can't!" All of our voices were raised and our dinner was ignored. "Melissa, stop saying that to your brother!" My mom tried to stop the argument but it didn't work. "I can get a girlfriend anytime I want! It's just that all the girls at my school are skanks, bitches, and whores who are desperate for a man to proof their worth just like YOU!" Normally it would have taken a lot more arguing to get me totally enraged but my nerves were very sensitive that day. Melissa and I were glaring at each other with clenched teeth, ready to rip each other's heads off. Now my mom was the most pissed.
"Both of you stop it! Stop arguing right now or you're both grounded." Melissa rolled her eyes and didn't listen. "I would love to stop arguing but someone needs to put this kid in his place and make him respect others." My hands clenched into fists on the table. "How about I stop this argument by killing you and throwing your body in the fucking gutter!" My fists slammed onto the table and Melissa looked disgusted and got up. "Ugh, didn't you get him tested or something, mom? Get him on more medication; he's fucking psychotic now." She pushed me in my chair as she walked past, calling out: "I'm going to Lonnie's for the night." She officially won the argument as she walked out the door and slammed it behind her. My mom was furious at me when I looked at her. "Go to your room and stay there for the next five days because you're grounded!" Acting tough, I snapped back: "Thanks for being on my side, mom." I left the dinner table, still hungry since I barely got the chance to eat my food. I slammed and locked my bedroom door, kicking things that were in my way.
"This is all your fault, Anthony." Wait, no don't say that. I'm just frustrated because our friendship is complicated now. Melissa is the one who pisses me off. She doesn't get me. Do I really come off that worthless? Then why the fuck does Anthony want me so bad? No answers came to me as I laid on my bed listening to music on my stereo. My room light was too bright at night and distracting when I tried to think so I shut it off and let subtle techno beats play out around me. I'm saying that Anthony wants me but he was so confused and in denial last time I saw him. I'm sure he's been thinking just as much as I have. So by now I bet he's convinced himself that he doesn't have a crush on me and next time I see him, he'll see me as only his best friend. Like it's always been. So there. All my thinking is done. I can finally relax. The sigh of relief I gave was in vain. But what if he starts seeing me…as more? Then do I just reject him? What if I can't convince him to just be my friend? What if my rejection…makes him as depressed as he was when his last girlfriend broke up with him? How can I comfort him and help him move on…when I'm the one he so desperately wants? That would be just cruel. What can he see in me? That no girl has ever wanted? The next sigh I gave was full of frustration and I felt bummed out.
I tore my eyes away from the black ceiling to my wall as I curled up on my right side with my hands clasped together and pressed into my chest softly, a strange smile coming over my face and a humbling feeling rising inside. But at least someone loves me. Someone I care about. No girl has looked into my heart and desired it but Anthony has. He was right. Two people who are friends for a long time first have a way better chance at falling in love and staying that way. I don't know anything about love but what if all this was supposed to happen? Like it's all for some reason? If Anthony never felt this way about me before and is just starting to now…what if it means something? If it's supposed to then…are Anthony's feelings enough to make me feel the same way? My bad mood was lifted and now I was slightly excited from such a taboo subject and curious from exploring new territory. I didn't know if that would really happen but his crush was making my mind run in circles and get all confused. It was looking over things I had already thought about and didn't have an answer to, give an answer that couldn't be proven, then do that to the dozens of other questions pacing around in my head. Maybe I should ask him about it…
Two knocks rang out on the other side of my door, taking away my good mood since it had to be my mom. I paused my music, turned on the bedroom light and opened the door and seeing my mom looking less pissed but still irritated. She stepped past me and walked into my room uninvited, stepping out of line when she grabbed my cell phone on my nightstand. "Wh-hey!" Panic struck when she grabbed my Game Boy, knowing where I kept my five game cards and snatching those, too. "You're grounded, remember? No video games, no calls to friends, no TV, and no hanging out with Anthony until you're un-grounded." She explained herself further when I looked at her in horror. "I'm being fair, Ian. When your sister snuck out of the house two months ago, got in a car with some drunk friends and wound up in a car crash that luckily injured no one, I grounded the shit out of her. She was stuck here every day and had to clean up the house for three weeks. Melissa was teasing you but she always does and you've never reacted as horribly as you did tonight. You threatened to kill her! I know you would never do it but you can't go unpunished. It's five days for you. Read a book, be creative with stuff, and find something to do or you'll be in your room sleeping and being bored. And you'll get chores."
With my most entertaining devices in her hands, she looked satisfied but her mean tone stayed. "And you can start by cleaning your room. And doing your laundry." That was the second battle I lost that day. My frustration was back. But at least it wasn't towards Anthony. Hanging out with him sounded very tempting than the kind of hell I would probably be in for. And looking around my room, it wasn't as messy as she made it sound. Yes my bed wasn't made, there were more clothes on my floor than in my dresser, soda cans and cups were hanging around, and a lot of stuff in my room was out of order, but it wasn't that bad. Psh, I don't wanna clean this shit. But dammit…she'll probably come back in to make sure I'm cleaning. Fuck. Half-assing it, I kicked my clothes into one big pile then stuffed them into my closet, picked up my knickknacks off the floor and lazily put them on my dresser. It took three trips to the kitchen to empty the soda cans and cups, and my covers were wrinkled and far from a well-made bed, but I didn't give a damn. "There. Clean" It was easier to walk around in my room with nothing on the carpet but "cleaning" only lasted for about ten minutes.
Now there was nothing to do for fun. My mom told me to read but I could never focus for more than five minutes even if I tried. Books were boring. Except Captain Underpants. It was more of a picture book but it was entertaining and there wasn't a bunch of boring pages and words. I wasn't creative. What, did she expect me to make arts and crafts? I couldn't draw, write, or read good and there were no games; she took them away. Her intention was to keep me as bored and unhappy for the five days and it would hopefully teach me not to talk back to my stupid sister. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. The day I would respect Melissa would be the day she stopped being mean to me. Our sibling rivalry would never go away; it was impossible. It was 9:40 and I chose to go to bed, locking my door so my mom couldn't barge in and changing into my Poké ball pajamas. It was completely dark in my room and quiet outside when I snuggled under the covers for a good night's sleep.
Sparkling white broke through the darkness and it was light that had actually woken me up from a deep sleep. My eyes felt blinded when I tried to open them so I snapped them shut and turned over in bed, finally able to see my room clearly. "What the-" The blinding light was just a reflection off a car parked out on the street but it was shining in through my window, past my open blinds, and directly to my face. My alarm clock on my nightstand read 11:42AM and everything came back to me when I couldn't find my phone. "Fuck." But at least my mom was at work and my sister was probably still with that Lonnie guy so I had the house to myself. Even though I was grounded, I went into the office room my mom used mostly to get on the internet. I was banned but no one was home so it was okay, right? I checked my email first, not surprised when I had nothing new. But my IM icon showed that Anthony was currently online, probably bored at his house. Should I talk to him? My answer was clear when I got into a private chat room with him.
Ianator64: Dude im grounded
I opened a new tab and checked MySpace while waiting for a response. I didn't have any new messages; it was kind of sad how unimportant I seemed. The small binging noise told me he responded.
Pikadude96: What did u do
Ianator64: I may have told my sis at dinner that I was going to kill her
Pikadude96: Wooow great job. What made u say that
Ianator64: She was saying how im too much of a loser to get a girlfriend and I said her boyfriend was just using her and she only wanted him to buy her shit. My mom flipped out when I said I could kill her and throw her body in a gutter. And instead of punishing her for starting it, she said im grounded for five days. Dude she took my phone and my Gameboy. She like doesn't want me to have ANY fun. What the hell am I supposed to do dude???
Pikadude96: First u can calm ur shit. Umm…during the day be good and do something at night for fun. Idk man. Being grounded sux. We can't hang out right?
Ianator64: Nope
Pikadude96: Umm…u can like do stupid shit to cure ur boredom. Like make origami swans and shit. Make an imaginary friend XD and make him dumber than u LOLOLOL!!!!!
That sounded like the old Anthony. When he used to insult me rather than say how awesome I was like he started doing after school let out.
Ianator64: T__T or I could kill my mom and sis and do whatever I want
Pikadude96: 0____0????
Ianator64: JUST KIDDING!! XD That's probably the actual face ur making right now. But maybe I should make an imaginary friend….OMG I can make Pikachu be it! He can understand me and like tell me the adventures he went on with Ash, Brock, and Misty. And I can get into imaginary Pokémon battles and shit. >__> oh god it sounds awesome…
Pikadude96: No offense, but u sound like a massive loner and loser right now.
Ianator64: T_T im offended
Pikadude96: When I get grounded (which like never happens cuz I watch my mouth around the fam) during the day I would behave but at night I would sneak out and ride my bike around the neighborhood and chill at the playground thinking about the universe O__o
Ianator64: Sounds cool. Idk. If I thought about the universe I would be like it's big then think about other shit.
Pikadude96: No like think about everything in life dude. I'm not a star fan. I don't think of galaxies and shit. It was just an expression.
Ianator64: It was?
Pikadude96: Fuck I don't know. U can be bored during the day and sneak out if ur mom won't do random nightly checks like a weirdo.
Ianator64: But im like a scrawny dude and im so awesome that if I went out at like 2am I would probably get kidnapped by dudes and get like raped. I don't wanna go out there at the dead of night 0___0
Pikadude96: Then come to my house : ) its summer and I don't need nightly sleep. As long as we're quiet we can chill in my room or we can go outside and ride our bikes in the neighborhood. That's something u can do during the day. Sleep and be awake when we hang out. Do u wanna do that?
I couldn't tell if he was over me or not. Did he want me to come over because we could hang out and have dumb fun like we used to? Or did he want me to come over so he could get closer to me and try to get me to like him more than just a friend? The few days apart could give him time to get back to normal.
Ianator64: Um…Idk I don't wanna get caught and be in more trouble. Maybe I should play it safe. Be bored as hell for five days then we can hang out again.
It took two minutes for him to write back and the whole time the little notification thing didn't say he was typing. I thought he was maybe off doing something.
Pikadude96: Ur lying. U don't want to hang out with me now. Ur afraid I'm like gay for u now
He was completely right and the brutal truth from Anthony made my heart beat fast and make me scared.
Ianator64: …are u?
Pikadude96: NO. U were wrong about my feelings. I got caught up in the moment with that kiss and I got fucking confused after that but now it's clear. I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY. But fine. Stick to ur lie and stay "safe". U can't even trust me. Then don't come over. God, ur paranoia pisses me off. I'll let u know when we can hang out
He exited the chat room while I sat there completely shocked. He got so angry and I was trying to be so careful not to give myself away. "…I'm such a dumbass." God, even if I was paranoid about him feeling that way for me, I should have just said yes and hoped he didn't. It's going to be more than five days until I can see him again. Damn…I don't like it when he's mad at me. That went so horribly that I was too depressed to find something fun to do. I was awake for almost a half-hour and I went back to bed, my door locked, my blinds shut, and my covers over my eyes as I tried to block out the light of day. "God dammit, Ian. You are beyond stupid." I groaned, finding it easy to go to sleep since I was so damn depressed.
Every day I kept myself in my room while grounded which left me so much time to think. Every hour I asked myself if Anthony had stopped being mad at me and then if he was lying to me about his feelings or not. It left me feeling defeated, and I did the chores my mom wanted me to do and I didn't talk to Melissa at all. I got all my fun games back and my phone on the 26th but absolutely no one had texted or called me while I was grounded. Yep, Anthony was still mad at me. The guilt of rejecting his possible feelings up front got to me and I had begun telling myself that I should have been totally okay with it if he really started to like me. I wouldn't give him that kind of attention but I would have tried to slowly make him stop loving me. But maybe Anthony was right. Maybe he wasn't falling for me and I was the one confusing him. Whatever the case, it sucked being totally alone for days and being completely unwanted. By June 1st I was fed up with the constant questions in my head so even if Anthony still didn't want to talk to me, that was too bad because I had rode my bike to his house at four o'clock without telling him. My fist knocked hard on his front door and my spirit was tough when he answered the door, but the first words out of my mouth were: "I'm sorry." The brave look on his face that was ready for an argument broke and Anthony looked ready to hear me out.
I stood on his porch not sure where to begin but shoving down all the questions I wanted to ask him concerning his strange feelings. I couldn't dwell on it. We both agreed to move past it and he told me himself that he never liked me in that way. "…I-I don't know why I wanted to know if that kiss really meant something. It was just one little thing and I took it way out of proportion, trying to make it into something I could understand. And I didn't see that you were trying to get past it and forget it happened. But I…started making all these claims about you and I didn't know if they were even remotely true. I said they were and you were so confused that you probably started to believe me. I can't believe I said…those things. And I'm sorry, Anthony. Can we be friends again?" His brown eyes stared into mine and he remained frowning, his arms crossed and probably thinking things over. I didn't want to say he was. I didn't want to make more claims. A couple moments passed between us until Anthony was ready to say something.
"Ian, you think you know me so well, and even though you do know a lot about me than anyone else, you're still not me. And you really didn't know what the fuck you were talking about when you said my heart was in love with you. It makes no sense. You got way too carried away with this and I did, too. But until I actually confess I feel that way, you have no right to think I do. I thought everything over and the reason I kissed you was because I felt sorry that you would have to wait for a girlfriend to know what love is. Honestly, I don't have much faith in you. I just can't see you getting a girl to love you. You were my friend and I didn't want to see you get depressed over the summer just because you couldn't be in a relationship. I was used to kissing from my previous girlfriends and even if I didn't think of it at that moment, I kissed you to help you out. So you wouldn't be wanting one all summer from no girl you knew. We're not little kids anymore. We're sixteen and by this time we're supposed to know what love is and want it. But you can't get a girlfriend. I was just trying to help you out. I don't think of you as anything else but my friend." My own heart was aching from his terrible and hurtful words. I had just apologized and he didn't accept it and instead told me how idiotic and wrong I was. I told him what he wanted to hear and he was still mad at me.
"…Okay. I'm amazingly stupid and I fucked up big time. Is there any way we can go back to how things used to be?" Anthony shrugged, his bad mood causing me to lose my motivation to get on better terms with him. I was so emotionally worn out and if he said there wasn't then I didn't know how much fight in me I had left. "…Yeah I guess. Just as long as we don't talk about it anymore." Anthony let me inside much to my surprise but didn't look any happier when we were in his room with nothing to talk about. I sat in the computer chair awkwardly, watching Anthony pick out a black Vans shirt and pair of pants from his closet. "I'm taking a shower. I was busy today so find something to do." He bluntly said to me before leaving his room and shutting the door behind him. "Okay then…" I knew Anthony was officially in the bathroom when I heard the water running. Find something to do…um. I looked around his room blankly until I turned the chair around and looked on his desk. Eh, maybe I could go on the computer. W-what's that? My eyes went to a red composition book lying just a foot from me, odd since Anthony had already thrown out all of his school supplies. I grabbed it and flipped it open, disappointed when the first page was blank. Then what does he need it for-oh. Only the first four pages were blank. But on the fifth there was a large paragraph written in pencil. It had the date and time up at the top. What for? Interested, I took a peek.
May 24th 2004 3:56PM
This is only a one-time thing. I'm just writing this to get all my damn thoughts out of my head. I'm all sorts of pissed off and confused. Something's not right…at all. It's been two days since I stopped talking to Ian and now I'm home all day and bored. And I keep thinking about this. On the 19th I felt so close to him. Once the stupid ADHD shit was out of the way, I just enjoyed being around him. I liked it when he gave me all that attention and when he played along with that lame gummy bear chase. Something in me changed. Like my tough guy persona just melted away and we were in such a nice BFF moment. But then he got too close and it freaked me out. Then THAT happened. I don't know what came over me. Just in that moment…when talking about love and how great it was, it was either that it made me miss what I had with Teresa or it was Ian that caused it. But I want it to be the first one. When I was talking about romance I missed it but I would rather believe that the reason I did what I did was because I had gone without it for like a year. I don't want to say this but I need to get my thoughts out. At that moment…when my eyes were shut and I didn't know what the hell I was doing…it was Ian. I don't want to believe it because it seems so wrong but damn. It was the fact that it was my best friend and it was something totally new and like forbidden. But also because it was so easy. It was Ian. I've known him for years and we're always together and having fun. It wasn't hard to kiss him. I felt so amazing in those few seconds and I can't deny it anymore. It was Ian. I got so quickly attracted to him and I was almost sincere when I asked if he might have wanted to go out with me, thinking that maybe he would say yes. He said it was awesome and just from that I took it to a whole new level. I imaged what it would be like if we dated, and I'm still not sure if I just missed being in a relationship or I really wanted him. It's just…he was so damn amazing. Everything about him that I liked before got escalated and suddenly that dumb guy became like a fucking glorious knight in shining armor. It happened so fast and only until the next day did I realize what the hell I asked. Well he forced it out of me but that's not the point. That one kiss was so spectacular and romantic that it alone could have made me want to date him. And I'm straight. Is Ian just that special? I was in love for the rest of the day…and now after telling Ian all that stuff online, I'm not sure if I'm lying to myself or not. The confusion and frustration has taken the attraction away but what if…you know. What if this like means something? What if Ian is the like best thing for me? If one kiss made me feel that way, does this mean that it's not wrong to let myself continue this? It was so easy to be attracted to him and now it's so hard to deny it. To make up other reasons. I still don't know what the fuck he was talking about when he said my heart loved him or something but…fuck. He's like different than other guys. There's something about him…that I really might like. But what? I'm freaked out now. So I guess this is it. Bye.
I sat there stunned, unable to move and unable to take my eyes away from what he wrote. It had been five days after the kiss when Anthony wrote that and he was still attracted to me. Then he was lying about what he said on the internet. He had feelings for me but he reacted so harshly when I asked if he did. He was scared. I checked to hear the water running and it still was, giving me time to read another entry on the next page.
May 28th 9:46PM
Okay so maybe it wasn't a one-time thing with this writing shit. I'm still alone all day and night. In my room feeling more lonely than bored. I know that Ian still thinks I'm super mad at him but I'm just…feeling too off. I can't fight it man. The awesomeness of the kiss outweighs how wrong it was. I haven't felt that way before. That intensely in love. My past girlfriends had more faults than good things I liked about them. Each one was sketchy deep down and fake. Pretty and slim girly girls were usually fake on some level. And when I would ask them what they liked about me, their first answer was how handsome I was. How cute I acted. They liked me for everything but my true personality. They didn't want to date an immature guy who enjoyed acting like a complete idiot just for laughs. I like being dumb and irresponsible. I like getting in trouble sometimes over the stupidest shit. Like pissing off the neighbors and teasing their pets. I liked being loud and obnoxious. It was way more fun than saying how much I loved and cared about a preppy girl. None of them got me. And their faults made them less attractive so the kisses didn't mean much. And not to mention that they wanted me to sleep with them and they didn't understand why I turned them down. So being dumb girls, they took it way too personally and thought I was selfish and thought they weren't good enough for me. They weren't the ones for me and it was clear when I had gone through four girlfriends in a year. They were so fucking fake and didn't get me. I didn't accept their faults and I didn't get to know them from that but I already accepted everything about Ian and took the time to find out who he was. That's why it was so romantic. He was my closest friend and I was so comfortable and safe around him. He loved how stupid I acted and I loved it when he did, too. We were so similar and I liked everything about him. It was so easy to kiss him…so easy to fall in love. Too easy. And now after how amazing I felt, I have to throw it all away, keep him as just a friend, and wait until school starts to get another girlfriend. There's no way she could make me feel the same way…it's hard to do this. I want to stay happy but I can't. Ian doesn't feel the same way so it's pointless to hold onto this…good feeling. I have to fight it. For myself and for him. Nothing can come from this. Not even if we both enjoyed that small moment. I gotta move on.
Anthony was in love with me. I hoped he wasn't and so did he. Yes the kiss was amazing for me but it didn't instantly make me fall in love with him. I mean he was so much more amazing for the rest of the day but it wasn't enough to make me feel what he was feeling. I was so special and unique to him that it made me seem so insanely attractive. It was those past girlfriends that really contributed to his feelings. No wonder why I don't feel that way about him. I haven't dated any fake girls or any girls in general. His relationships were so bad that someone as simple and unattractive as me seemed glorious. Fuck now I really don't want a girlfriend. There was one more page and it was the shortest. And it was written three hours before I came to see him.
June 1st 1:12PM
I can't do this. No matter how much I keep telling myself that it's impossible because he's a guy, my brain won't let me think that way. I've fought and fought but I'm on my knees and can't win. This is too hard. I desperately want to regret kissing him. For everything it's caused. I regret the kiss because it's made me be at war with myself and with Ian. I regret it because it's causing me heartache and pain. I regret it because I'm losing myself. I regret that Ian now thinks I'm totally in love with him. I regret that now I'm going to have to seem cold and tough next time I see him. My actions have caused me such hell but I don't regret the awesome feelings I got from it. I don't regret feeling the butterflies in my stomach and how my heart throbbed when I looked at him. I don't regret letting myself go for just one day, allowing my heart go to places it's never been before and my mind imagining how great it would feel to be in love again. I went to bed that night with a smile on my face and the last thing I said before I went to sleep was: "If we dated, I'm sure he would be the one." I have tried to fight this. But it's too strong and it's got to mean something. Maybe right now I feel this way but I'm gonna let time go on and see if it takes this love struck feeling away. I miss Ian. I want him next to me…but if I see him soon, I don't know how I would keep my cold attitude up. How long could I fake it until I accidentally get caught up in the moment and kiss him again? I miss the amazing feeling…I miss my best friend. I can't fight this. Fuck it. Maybe time will help but for now…I'm madly in love with Ian.
My jaw was dropped and I couldn't stop staring at those last words. Everything made sense. It was all right there. Written down and I read every word. I just couldn't believe it. I was shocked for so many reasons but the biggest shock of the day was that Anthony's cold behavior towards me was all faked. He wasn't mad at me. He was the one lying. He made me feel so bad about telling him the truth. It almost made me want to laugh. "He's not mad at me. It's fake." I grinned then noticed how silent the house was. The water! He's out of the shower. He's gonna be here any second! Quietly flipping out, I placed the notebook back where it was exactly, made sure the computer chair was facing away from the desk, and I had to put myself away from the thing in general to make it look like I didn't even notice it. He said find something to do. Umm…got it! I spotted the unsolved rubix cube in his closet, and I dashed to it, snatching it and sprinting to his bed where I instantly sat down and leaned against the wall acting all casual and bored just in time. Barely two seconds had passed before Anthony came in, his black hair stringy and damp, in his other clothes and holding the old ones in his hands. I kept my eyes on the cube as Anthony lazily put the dirty clothes on the closet floor before shutting the doors and turning around to face me.
Oh, you're supposed to look kinda depressed. Don't look interested. Frown. My fingers trembled and I was nervous as Anthony watched me for a few moments. He kept his cold mood when he said nothing to me and instead discreetly put his new diary away in the desk drawer then sat at the computer. Anthony was trying to seem like he was ignoring me and not giving a shit I was there, but from what I read he was probably obsessing over me in his mind. He could have been nervous or wanting to pounce on me. He could have been freaking out on the inside but he was calm and collected on the outside. He's probably wondering if I read that or not. He left it out. I could have gotten curious. Heh heh, he didn't have time to put it away because I came to the door and he invited me in. He couldn't put it away all chill-like because he knew I would wonder what was inside. He is probably just begging I didn't read it. Oh I did, lover boy. But I'll do my best to act like I didn't. I've been busy this whole time trying to solve this rubix cube. I uncontrollably grinned slyly, looking past the toy to see Anthony staring at the computer screen blandly like he was bored. I smuggled my grin down, so interested in what was going to happen during my unexpected visit.