Silent Night

Even as an adult, trying to fall asleep the night before Christmas is one of the most complicated tasks.

Maybe it didn’t help that I had been up until midnight wrapping presents, or maybe it was all of the hot chocolate that I had pumped into my system. I glanced at the vacant spot next to me on the bed and tried to push back the wave of loneliness that washed over my fatigued body. I always tried my hardest to not get so attached to people, I could never tell if they were really interested in me or the size of my wallet. Then I met her, and just being in her presence was enough to get me all wired and constantly on edge. I had never met a woman like her, so beautiful and kindhearted… yet so troubled and plagued by atrocious memories. Her delicate and smooth heart-shaped face stained my mind; those large hazel eyes with little specks of green in them, those cute lips that always seemed to be curved into a sad smile, feathery brunette waves that fell down way past her shoulders and to the middle of her back. I squeezed my eyes shut, but I couldn’t stop thinking about her and I was perfectly fine with that.

‘She’s your best friend, stop thinking about her like that.’ I scolded myself.

“Bobby?”

I lifted my head up and noticed her little figure standing behind the cracked door, peeking in innocently. She looked exceedingly upset about something and I figured she had another nightmare like she usually does. She came from a broken family with a wealthy father who was abusive towards her and her mother. She never really went into depth about how she had been abused and how physical it really got, I knew she got really sensitive and hurt when it came to stuff like that, so I never really asked.

We understood each other though, and I think that’s how our friendship survived through all of the dark days and numerous fights we had. We had met each other in 2008 when I was just starting my career with the Anaheim Ducks. I had been driving home and I had spotted her gazing over the edge of the bridge I was driving on. From the bruises on her pale arms and her bloodshot eyes, I knew exactly what she was planning on doing.

I saved her.

If it weren’t for me she would be dead.

“Hey,” I murmur and waved for her to come inside, “What’s wrong Thalia?”

“I had a bad dream… Can I stay in here with you?” She asks timidly.

Without a word I lifted the weighty comforter up and watched as she slid underneath it and curled up against me. I wrapped my arm around her protectively and tried to sleep, but it was of no avail. I didn’t want to close my eyes until I knew Thalia was sleeping peacefully. Comforting her was something that came naturally to me from the moment I had looked into her dark and miserable eyes, I always took pride in making her feel better and seeing that smile on her face.

“Bobby?” She asked again and moved her head up the pillow so she was looking into my eyes.

“Hm?”

“Merry Christmas.”

I glanced at the digital clock on my nightstand and squinted so my eyes could adjust to the bright red numbers… 2:38

“Merry Christmas Lia, I hope it’s a great one.” I respond, using the nickname that I was only given permission to use.

Every year since we had met, we always made it a ritual to spend Christmas together. It had been a little rough this year with the lockout and playing hockey in Sweden, but after many days of me ranting and annoying the shit out of her, I had finally convinced her to come with me. I think she did it because she was terrified of being alone, or maybe it was because for the first time in her life she actually wanted to get out of sunny California. Who knows, maybe she did it because she didn’t want to break our tradition of always being together on Christmas. Though I could tell it had been tough for her since I would invite my family over, while she didn’t really have anyone to invite. Though she would never admit it, I knew she always managed to find comfort within my large family and their joyful and somewhat obnoxious attitudes.

“If your mom is making Christmas dinner like she always does, then I’m sure it will be a great Christmas.” She giggles and covers her mouth as she yawns.

“She spoils you too much.” I teased, even though I didn’t really mean it.

“Because you don’t do the same thing, right?”

I pull her closer to me and rest my hand on her lower back, “Never.”

The invigorating scent of her perfume stunned my mind; it was fruity with a hint of vanilla and it brought back nostalgic memories of summer for some reason. She was always making me nostalgic, always making me wish that I was just an innocent little kid again who didn’t have a worry in the world.

Maybe then I wouldn’t be so worried about being rejected by my best friend if I told her I loved her more than just a friend.

“Go to sleep Bobby, we’re going to be really tired tomorrow.” She scolded when I kept fidgeting around underneath the sheets. I inadvertently started pouting; it was difficult to fall asleep when a stunning woman was laying only a couple of inches away from you! She sighed and wrapped her arms around me, turning so she was on her back and my head was resting just above her breast. I was appreciative that she was wearing one of my hoodies and that her soft skin was covered. I closed my eyes and tried to give into sleep, but my ear was pressed to her chest and then I heard and felt it.

The muffled ‘thump-thump’ of her heart left me out of breath for a split-second.

‘She’s here with me, she’s here and she’s healthy and more alive than ever’

I’m not sure why this was such a revelation, she’s been here for four years and she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Maybe it was the fact that if I hadn’t been taking the route to get home that I took that day, she wouldn’t even been here. I would have never even known she existed; I never would have met her, get the chance to become her best friend and have some of the best memories with her.

‘You never would have fallen in love with her.’

I ignored the thoughts in the back of my mind and fixed my concentration back onto the sound of her thumping heart, letting it lull me into a deep sleep with sweet dreams. Though I dreamt about Thalia sometimes, nothing really compared to reality and actually being with her.

And then I realized that reality had become better than any dream I ever had.

“Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!”

Bobby groaned as I jumped around on the bed, praying I wouldn’t hit my head on the ceiling and give myself a concussion. I stomped around on the bouncy mattress like a little kid throwing a tantrum, but he still didn’t budge.

“C’mon you big baby! Your family is here and your mom is making breakfast, don’t you want to eat? You’re an athlete, you’re always hungry.”

“Go eat without me.” He grumbled and threw a pillow over his head to shield himself from… well, nothing really. We were in Sweden, and unlike California, it snowed here a lot and the sinister clouds had been covering the sun for the past few days. He rolled over so he was lying on his stomach, and I ignored the way his shoulder blades seemed to flex as he shifted around on the bed. Sure, he wasn’t extremely buff like a lot of other hockey players, but he was definitely fit and had muscles in places that I didn’t even know could get muscular.

“I don’t think so, buddy.”

I hopped off the bed and took a moment to assess the situation, I could always throw a bucket of cold water on him, but that was probably too harsh. I wanted to get him out of bed, not give him a heart attack.

I backed away from the bed and stayed quiet for a few moments, making him think I had exited the room. I waited until I heard his loud snores before I sprinted towards the bed.

“What the fuck?!” He yelled breathlessly as I jumped onto his back, my knee digging roughly into his back. I sprawled myself out on top of him as he struggled to get up, he turned his head so he was glaring at me. His anger was temporary because the second he looked into my wide eyes, he instantly started cracking up. He rolled over and I fell to his side, blushing as he continued to scrutinize me with those dazzling blue eyes.

I hopped up from the bed and smiled at him awkwardly, “Hurry up, I’m starving.”

“Like always.” He teased and nudged me as we trudged through the hallway. I nearly slipped on the wooden floors from the socks I was wearing, and Bobby hastily grabbed my elbow to steady me.

He was always looking after me, even when it came to minor things like tripping and falling. I remember when he taught me how to ice skate and he made me wear all of this padding and even a helmet and how badly he would freak out if I almost fell. I never met anyone who had been so protective towards me, but I wasn’t going to complain. When you go through your whole life feeling worthless, it’s nice to have at least one person care about you.

Everyone was already eating when we finally entered the dining room and I looked away as Bobby’s family greeted him affectionately. I couldn’t watch because it just made me realize what I didn’t have… a stable and loving family. I sat next to Bobby’s grandma who smiled warmly at me and patted the top of my hand. She was probably the nicest person I had ever met and was the only person, besides Bobby, who knew about my past and the condition I had been in when Bobby found me. She wished me a merry Christmas, which I happily returned.

“Now we can eat!” Bobby spoke as he sat on the other side of me and set a plate full of food in front of me. Everyone started to devour the food, except for his Uncle Rob who muttered a lengthy prayer and started to eat when we were halfway through our meal.

“Thanks for inviting us and paying for our tickets, Bobby” His mom said when we were all finished, she ruffled his brown locks and kissed his cheek.

“Mom,” He whined and wiped at his cheek like a little boy, “It’s no problem, really. Christmas isn’t that much fun when you’re not with your family.”

A few people glanced at me uneasily, probably wondering why I wasn’t with my family. I ignored them and poked at the eggs on my plate with the fork I was holding, the delicious food suddenly tasted bland in my mouth and I quickly swallowed it. I wasn’t going to dwell on it, he probably didn’t mean to phrase it the way he had. Sometimes things just come out of his mouth that really makes no sense… word vomit.

“Can we open presents now?” Bobby asked awkwardly, throwing me an apologetic glance.

“I think that’s a good idea.” I smile reassuringly at him, letting him know that I was fine.

As we all gathered around the Christmas tree, I couldn’t stop the wave of anxiety that seized my mind. What if he didn’t like the present I got him? Or what if he thought it was extremely clichéd or cheesy?

Bobby sat down next to me and we both watched as everyone opened their presents, occasionally getting presents of our own. I hadn’t been expecting to get any presents, but I guess Bobby was right when he said how much everyone seems to spoil me.

“Jeez, how much chocolate can one girl eat?” Bobby’s father laughed as I opened yet another box of See’s Chocolate.

“Not enough.” I answer, smiling when everyone else laughed. I absolutely loved being around this family on Christmas, nothing could really compare. I watched at how all of their eyes lit up every time they opened a present, or how Bobby seemed so proud of himself every time one of his relatives thanked him profusely for an awesome present that Bobby had managed to find for them.

He leaned over and whispered into my ear, “I’ll have your present later, okay?”

I nodded meekly, knowing that my voice would fail me if I tried to talk. I turned my head so I was facing him, his lips were so close to mine and he was so overwhelming in the most pleasurable way possible and—

“Thank you for everything, everyone.” Uncle Rob spoke up and we both jumped apart from each other. His blue eyes penetrated my hazel ones, but I couldn’t look away.

‘Oh my god! Oh my freakin’ god!' I thought frantically, ‘what the hell are you doing?! This is your best friend you want to kiss.’

We both focused our attention to the television where the 24 hour marathon of A Christmas Story was playing.

That’s pretty much all we did the whole day, watch Christmas movies, eat food, discussed embarrassing stories from Bobby’s childhood, and even drank a few glasses of champagne. I had never been a huge fan of alcohol, after my father’s abusive history I decided to stay away from it, but no one really seemed to mind. The day went by faster than I would have liked it to, and I knew I had to accept the melancholy that hit me as we said our goodbyes to all of Bobby’s relatives at the end of the day. They had become my only family, and having to say bye to them was a little painful on my part.

While Bobby immediately staggered towards the kitchen so he could do the dishes, I headed to the bedroom and retrieved the present I had wrapped the previous night from under the bed. I contemplated giving it to him right this second, but I quickly decided against it and made my way out onto the balcony.

I don’t think I would ever get tired of the beautiful weather that Sweden had to offer.

I grew up in Southern California where the lowest it got during the winter was 40 degrees, sometimes not even that. I kind of missed it though, mainly because my mother still lived there. I wondered what she was doing right at this moment, if she was lonely or if she and my father were fighting like they always do. I shivered and prayed that she was safe even though we never really got along with one another. She refused to believe that her beloved husband would ever abuse me, no one in my family ever believed me when I told them.

I was always crying out for help, but no one ever heard my desperate pleas.

‘Except Bobby.’

“What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.” Bobby’s abrupt voice pulled me out of my own thoughts. I glanced at his face and felt confused when I saw concern spread across his features.

“What’s wrong? You’re crying.”

“I am?” My voice cracked and I pressed the tips of my fingers to the cold skin of my cheek and felt the warm drops sliding downward toward my chin. I hastily wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand and I felt ridiculous.

“I’m sorry.” I laugh pathetically, “I really don’t know why I’m crying.”

“It’s okay,” He whispers kindly and notices the gift that I’m clutching at my chest, “What’s that?”

I hand it to him and blush when he grins boyishly at me. He wordlessly tears off the paper and his eyes widen as they scan the object in front of him. His hand brushes over the leather cover and his grin disappears.

“I understand if you don’t like it… it’s a bit cheesy and—“

“I love it.” He cuts me off and flips through the scrapbook, taking in every picture, every memory. The first time he took me to one of his hockey games, our first Christmas together, playing in the rain together, spending summer together in Hawaii.

It seemed as though both of their favourite memories were enclosed in that book.

“Oh!” He quips and shoves his hand into the pocket of his jacket, “This is for you… I hope you like it.”

“I’m sure I will.” I smile and take the velvety box from his warm hand. It wasn’t wrapped or anything special, he had only stuck a large, gold bow to the top of the box. I flipped the lid open and gasped, nearly dropping the beautiful piece of jewelry.

“So you like it then?” He questioned anxiously as I lifted the necklace out by the silver chain, examining the diamond encrusted pendant that hung from the chain. The subtle lettering on the inside of the curve on the heart caught my attention and I looked closer, trying to make out the letters in the dark.

‘My Love’

All the breath in my lungs escaped and my eyes burned with unshed tears, instantly worrying Bobby.

“Ah shit, I thought for sure you would have liked it… I’m sorry Thalia, I really tho—“

“Bobby Ryan, you are such a dork sometimes.” I threw my arms around his neck and laughed, “It’s beautiful, put it on for me?”

He nodded as I turned around, grabbing the delicate piece of jewelry from my hands and slinging it around my neck before clasping it tightly. It fell right above my breasts, right where my heart was and I wondered if he had planned that or not. Bobby wrapped his hand around my wrist and tugged on it, telling me to face him.

“Thalia, this is really hard for me to say,” He whispered and fidgeted with the heart pendant, “You know that I care about you a lot, and that you mean so much to me. Ever since I met you that day and you wanted nothing more than to just end your life, I knew I loved you. I always have even though sometimes I can be a pain in the ass to you, but I just need you to know how proud I am to call you my best friend but I—“

“What? Is something wrong?” My voice cracked again and the worst case scenarios popped into my head.

“No, god no,” He breathes and I watch as he closes his eyes, “Thalia, I love you more than a friend, and I know you might not feel the same way, but I don’t care because if I don’t tell you how I feel tonight I don’t think I ever will. I’ve never felt this way about any other woman Lia. You’re always on my mind and it’s really starting to drive me crazy and—“

I kissed him.

Maybe it wasn’t the best way to stop him from rambling, but I couldn’t help myself.

‘Oh my god, you’re kissing your best friend’

His lips were so soft and oh god-- I just couldn’t stop myself and I gave into his welcoming body.

A war clashed through my mind as he brushed his tongue against my lower lip, causing me to gasp. The pressure of his velvety tongue against mine was enough to nearly make me pass out. His fingers slid up behind my ears and glided through my hair, pulling away for a split-second before reconnecting his lips with mine passionately. He pressed his hands against either side of my face and pushed me against the sliding glass door, holding me up as I almost tripped over my own feet. I think he said something as he pulled away and traced my jaw with pillowy lips. I couldn’t really hear anything with the pounding in my ears.

“Thalia,” He murmured and raised his head so he was staring wildly into my eyes, “I love you.”

His hands were still pressed to my cheeks and I tried to talk even though I was so overwhelmed, “I-I love you too Bobby.”

He didn’t say anything else, and he didn’t need to, nothing needed to be said between us.

I had finally gotten my happy ending, and it was with my best friend.