Heart's in Baltimore

“Shut up, Noah,” I rolled my grey eyes, teasing my boyfriend for over a year and a half now. “The Ravens are SO much better than the Bengals!”

Noah chuckled softly, his smile reaching his dark brown eyes. “Babe, look at the score! Seventeen to seven; you only think the Ravens are better because you’re from Baltimore.”

“So, they had a bad game? You only like the Bengals because you’re from Ohio,” I scoffed, jokingly. “You suck, that’s the point.”

“Yeah, okay,” he smiled, reaching over to my peck my lips softly before flipping the TV station to Fuse.

Once I realized the band that was playing on the screen, my heart stopped. I hadn’t seen those four boys in at least seven years.

The caption in the corner read “All Time Low, The Girl’s A Straight Up Hustler, Put Up Or Shut Up, Hopeless Records”. Staring blankly at the screen, in the corner of my eye, I saw Noah watching my quizzically. Naturally, when I had run to Seattle and began dating Noah, I had never told him about what Alex and I had. I never told him why I, a then completely defenseless 17-year-old girl, had just up and moved across the country.

Alex Gaskarth and I had dated for a little around four years, all of which were during high school. We were the relationship that everyone was jealous of, even our closest friends. Everyone thought we were destined to get married; for a while, I did, too.

That was until I started second guessing myself. Did I really want to be with Alex for the rest of my life? Was I ready for that? We had been together for four years, but was I really ready to spend more than that with him?

It was just before Spring Break of our senior year when rumors had begun circulating that Alex was planning on proposing to me over the break.

It’s a shameful thing to admit to, but the day Spring Break had begun, I bolted. I spent the entire week before negotiating with my parents; trying desperately to get them to let me move to Seattle, alone. It took that same entire week but they finally agreed; under the circumstances that I found a steady job, a house of my own and that I stayed out of trouble. After all was set in stone, I made them promise they wouldn’t tell anyone, especially Alexander where I had fled to.

That first day – the day all of my friends found out that I had left – my phone blew up. Message after message, call after call. Everything went unanswered.

I couldn’t read the texts or listen to the voicemails from Alex without my heart breaking into a million pieces. I had ruined him and I was completely aware of that.

After a while, I had finally changed my phone number and my address and home phone were both unlisted. Nobody had any way of finding me.

It took a while, but I had gotten used to Alex, or Jack, Rian and Zack, along with my other close friend, Jared, not being around. I felt selfish and worthless for leaving everyone behind without a goodbye, but it was what I had to do. Or that’s what it felt like at the time.

As far as I knew, Alex had openly admitted to a few songs on their past records that were about me. I tried to avoid all of the songs. I couldn’t bring myself to listen to them; it hurt so much.

Just as I was broken from my trance, Alex’s voice spilled out of speakers as he sang the verse of the song that was playing. “I’ve got no place in my heart for a criminal like you to dwell. In this endeavor, make this last forever. I’m just delirious. You can’t be serious. You’re so infamous for leaving me a mess.”

I felt Noah’s eyes shift from me to the screen, and back. He looked incredibly confused but I couldn’t bring myself to open up about Alex. Especially after hearing this song… I had avoided this song at all costs. I had heard it once when it came out and that was enough for me. It seemed like every other line of the lyrics was a huge stab in the heart.

“Take off your makeup. Put down the camera. Choke on the drama that makes me want to tear up the pictures and pages you’ve saved; creating a life of trends and make believe,” the camera zoomed in on a shot of Alex himself, making the pit in my stomach grow larger.

I hadn’t seen any pictures or heard any music or watched any videos of this man for what seemed like forever. Seeing him felt like I was being torn into pieces; when I first moved to Seattle, it was like all I could do was watch videos of Alex and listen to songs from All Time Low. After a while, I had promised myself that I would never let myself see him again. I couldn’t handle it.

I knew this song was about me; that’s why it hurt so much. This was one of the songs Alex had admitted was about me.

“She gets what she wants and she breaks what she gets. Get out while you can or she’ll tear you to pieces,” as those words escaped Alex’s lips, I felt the pang in my chest again. Why was I still watching this?

As Alex repeated the chorus, Noah looked over at me, resting his hand on mine. “Are you okay, baby?” his eyes filled with concern.

“I- I’m fine. This song just has a lot of memories, I guess…” I choked back the tears that dared to fall from my eyes. I pulled my hand out from under Noah’s and ran it through my wavy blonde hair.

Before he could respond, the next and last verse of the song seemed to hit harder than the rest of them. “Carry on home. I’ll be waiting miles and miles away. Leaving you to be forever seventeen; cleaning up the messes that you’ve made.”

I knew what those last two lines meant. Alex had always told me that if I made mistakes and didn’t fix them, I’d be stuck in the past, that the mistakes would end up defining me and who others thought I was, until I grew the balls to clean up my mess. “Leaving you to be forever seventeen” was most likely a jab at the mistake and mess I had caused when I bolted from Maryland seven years ago.

“Babe, I promised Nick that I’d go chill with him and the guys for tonight… are you going to be okay here by yourself?” Noah asked awkwardly, fidgeting with his hands.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay.”

“Are you sure? I’ll stay here if you want…” Noah smiled reassuringly. Deep down, I knew he had no idea in hell what would be wrong with me.

“Positive, babe,” I shot my boyfriend one of my signature smiles, even if it was fake. “You go have fun with the guys. I’ll be fine,” grinning, I leaned over from my spot on the couch and kissed his lips softly.

“Okay, good,” Noah smiled, shaking his dark hair out of his eyes. “Love you, Ri.”

“Love you, too, Noah,” I stated, just as he made his way out of the door.

The second I heard his truck pull out of the driveway of my home, I quickly picked up my Mac laptop from its place on the coffee table in front of me.

I knew I was going to regret doing what I was about to do, but it was too late. Seeing Alex on my TV had raised too many unanswered questions in my mind.

Opening up Twitter, I quickly typed in “AlexAllTimeLow” into the address bar. Preparing myself for what was to come, I read through a few of his tweets.

@AlexAllTimeLow: Back in B-more for the next two months. Stoked!

When I read the tweet, I read it what had to be at least one hundred times. Alex was back home. Suddenly, I knew exactly where I had to be.

----

When Noah had returned to my home that night, I explained to him everything I had thought over that day.

“So… what you’re saying is, you’re going back to Baltimore for a little while?” he raised a bushy brow at me, not believing what I had just told him. “Ri, you haven’t been there in seven years, right? What makes you suddenly want to go back?”

“I have family to visit,” I lied straight through my teeth. I hated lying to Noah, but I knew if I told him exactly what I was going for he’d either break up with me or lecture me about it not being a good idea.
“When do you plan on leaving?”

“There’s a flight to Maryland tomorrow at 9am…” I trailed off awkwardly, fidgeting with my fingers and playing with the hem of my baby blue V-neck.

“You sure you don’t want me to tag along?” Noah asked, running a hand through his dark hair.

I felt my body tense up. It probably seemed really suspicious that I didn’t want him to come along to visit the “family” I was seeing, but I couldn’t exactly bring him to see Alex. “You have things to do here… The guys will probably want to hang out with you and all that… I don’t want to make you uproot anything. Besides, I don’t know how long I’ll be in Baltimore.”

“Alright,” Noah shrugged carelessly. “I guess you should start packing, huh?

“I, uh, already did,” I shot my boyfriend a small smile. Glancing at the analog log behind Noah’s head in the kitchen where we stood, I took note of the time – 11:23pm. “I should probably get headed to bed. I have an early start tomorrow…” I said, feeling the awkward tension in the room rise.

I know Noah didn’t understand why I had the sudden urge to return to the place I hadn’t been in seven years, but I wasn’t ready to explain it to him either. One day, I’m sure he would know the whole story, but today wasn’t the day.

“I guess you’re right,” he finally broke into a small smile. “I love you. Sleep well; I’ll drive you to the airport tomorrow, yeah?”

I suppose there was no harm in that, right? “I’d like that a lot,” I smiled, slowly kissing his lips. “I love you too. See you in the morning, babe.”

As I made my way up the stairs, Noah ambled into the living room and plopped on the couch and began watching television.

Once I made myself comfortable on my bed, I had a million and three thoughts running through my head at once. Would Alex be happy to see me? Would he tell me to go home?

Pushing the negative thoughts out of my head, I fell into a deep sleep, anxious for the next day to arrive.

Only one thought stayed in my head that night, though. I wasn't over Alex Gaskarth in the slightest way.

-----
Before I knew it, I was standing at the airport terminal, awaiting for my flight to be announced. It took at least 10 minutes, but I had finally convinced Noah that I was fine waiting for my flight by myself.
“Flight 4065 to Baltimore now boarding.”
In that split second, I almost chickened out. I was scared. I was scared to face Alex after all these years; scared to face anybody I left behind in Baltimore after all this time. What the fuck was I supposed to say?
All I knew was that I had around 5 hours to figure it all out.
----
It seemed like today was going by too rapidly for my liking, because before I could even grasp the fact that I was going home, I was standing in the Baltimore airport. It seemed like just yesterday I was in this familiar place, but leaving instead of coming.

Receiving my luggage from baggage claim, it hit me that I had no idea where the hell I was going.

After a few minutes of pondering and waiting and constant mental debating, I decided that Alex would be the first one I would see. Seeing him was like a taking a band aid off in a way; if I kept putting it off and did it slowly, it’d hurt worse. I could just do it fast and get it over with.

Walking into the parking lot of the airport, I threw my bags into the rental car I had received. Much to my luck, Alex had lived in the same house he had lived in when I was last here, so it wasn’t much of a challenge to find his house.

The challenge was actually growing the balls to get out of my car and go to his front doorstep.
Me being the coward I had always been, I drove up and down his street for about 10 minutes, probably looking like the world’s biggest creep.

Finally, I had gained enough courage to at least get out of the car and walk to his porch. I stood in front of the familiar door nervously. I still had no idea what I was to say to the man I had left behind without a single word so many years ago.

Before I could stop myself, I was knocking on the door. Shit, I thought to myself. I should leave. Why did I come here anyway? He doesn’t want to see me.

Right as I turned my heel to go back to my car and never look back, I heard his voice from behind me. “Um, yeah?”

My heartbeat instantly quickened. I wanted to turn around. I wanted to throw my arms around and tell him how sorry I was for leaving, that I still loved him; but I couldn’t do that. Not now. Not after everything.

I whipped my head around, my blonde waves whipping me in the face. “H-hey, Alex…”

“Riley?” his brown eyes widened in what seemed like complete shock.

I knew I shouldn’t have came here.