Heart's in Baltimore

RILEY'S POV

*****

Nicole's words were still ringing in my head by the time Alex had pulled into his driveway, so I could get my vehicle. Lisa wasn't home, I noted. I didn't know why Lisa had hated me as much as she obviously did. I hadn't come to Maryland with bad intentions - just to tie up loose ends. As the man in the driver seat clicked off the engine, he glanced over at me, breaking me from my thoughts; he must have noticed the blank stare in my gaze. "Riley, what's up? You've been out of it since we left the diner."

"It's, uh... nothing. I just... you know me, worrying about things back home in Seattle," tripping over my own words and excuses, I forced a tiny smile to appear on my lips, only to see Alex's face fall - it must've been me calling Seattle "home".

"So, you really like it there?" Alex queried, moving his own gaze to the gray steering wheel in front of him. "In Seattle, I mean. With that boyfriend, or whatever he is."

"Alex... don't do this," I warned, wearily. Knowing Alex as well as I did, I could sense the exact direction he was trying to turn the conversation in.

"Don't do what?" the brunette man challenged me, finally facing me, arching a bushy brow. "I just asked a simple question, Riley."

"Then yeah. I love it in Seattle. It's everything I wanted it to be and more," I said, in a bit of a rude tone, but I didn't care at that point.

This is how fights between Alex and I would always start, so I knew the routine pretty well. He would ask a question, trying to be subtle about his motives for asking, but I would see right through and call him out on it. Whenever I would call him out on it, he would plead innocent, saying he didn't mean it anything by it, just making conversation. The way he would argue back with you, though, would make you answer the question, regardless. He would make you feel like you were hiding something, for lack of a better phrase, if you didn't answer.

Alex and I didn't fight too often, really, but we fought enough for me to know what was going to happen in just a few minutes.

"How can you love it there? Don't even say because you've been there for seven years, either," Alex snapped, with a bit of an edge to his words. "You were in Baltimore for <i> sixteen </i>."

"Alex, stop, okay? This isn't even important. Seattle is where I am now. I'm not in Baltimore anymore," I rolled my grey irises to the back of my head and back to the front. Before I could process what was coming out of my mouth, I blurted out, "You'd think seven years later, you'd finally accept that I'm fucking done with this place. You'd think that you'd have moved on by now. I'm in love with Noah now. Not you. Get over it already, okay?" My words were harsh. I knew that, but they just came out like vomit. Word vomit.

I couldn't quite read the expression that settled on Alex's face - was it anger? Hurt? "You know what? Fuck you, Riley. Fuck. You. I thought that after the nice little time we had at the diner earlier, everything would be okay. That me and you could work around the fucking mess you left seven years ago. I guess not," his words stung me, when I knew they shouldn't have. We were both angry- no, pissed off. We said things we didn't mean when we were pissed, but the expression on his face said that he did mean it.

He continued speaking, his brown eyes staring deep into my grey ones. "If you're so fucking done with this place, why the hell did you come back, Riley? Did you think that you could just waltz back into everyone's lives after leaving us in the dust for seven God damn years? Riley, it doesn't fucking work that way!"

Tears fell down my face at what had to be at least 90 miles per hour. I knew I messed up when I left Maryland. I just didn't think this would be the way I would find out that I did. "Alex, please, listen to me. I didn't mean what I said. I was mad and-"

"You never mean what you say and that's the problem," Alex snapped at me, cutting me off of my sentence. "If you meant it when you said you loved me, you wouldn't have left. You would have at least came back. You would've at least said goodbye. But you didn't. I don't know why I wasted seven years wanting you to come back."

More hurtful words. I couldn't even be mad at him for yelling at me and saying these things. I left him behind without anything. He had wasted years on me, just to have me run away the first time there was an actual problem. He had every right to scream and yell and curse at me. I deserved it.

Before I could reply, Alex had swung the door of his car open and slammed it shut, causing the car to shake. On impulse, I quickly shoved myself out of the car, slamming the door behind me, as well. "Alex, just fucking listen to me! I know I messed up; did you think I didn't know that? You can call me every name in the book and I'll take it. I deserve that! But don't you fucking dare, for a minute, ever think that I didn't love you. I loved you with everything inside of me, Alex. You were my everything. You were what kept me going when nothing else would. You got me through high school. When I left... Alex, when I left, I was terrified. I thought - and I still know - that you deserved way better than me. I couldn't give you what you wanted, 'Lex.

"You wanted to be in All Time Low and I wanted to go to NYU. I wanted to be a writer. A photographer. A designer. I ran away because I heard that you wanted to propose to me over Spring Break. That scared the hell out of me, 'Lex. How would we get married if you were always on the road and I was in New York? Or if I had married you and stayed in Maryland, I would always feel like something was missing. Like I was missing out. You were out living out your dream, and I wouldn't be. Alex, that wasn't fair to either one of us. You, feeling guilty that I would be stuck here alone. And me, feeling like I would be stuck in this state forever," I swallowed hard, waiting for Alex to turn to face me again and start screaming obscenities at me.

Much to my expectations, that is exactly what he did. Turning around to face me, his voice seeped with venom. "You can't fucking do this to me, Riley! Are you trying to make me feel sorry for you or something? When you showed up at my door step earlier, I didn't think this is how the day would play out. You've been here for a fucking DAY, and you've already made me miserable! That must be your record, huh? It only takes you ONE FUCKING DAY to ruin me. Riley, you broke me seven years. You left me a fucking mess. I don't know what else you want from me."

"A-alex..." my voice cracked, as I began pleading him for forgiveness. "I just want to make things right, please..."

"It's too fucking late for that, Riley. I... I fucking hate you," and with that, Alex Gaskarth stormed up the steps of his house and walked into the door, slamming the door behind him, and walking right out of my life.

Just like I had done to him.

As I raced to my own car, yanking the keys out of the pocket of my jeans, a car that contained a petite blonde, Lisa, I was assuming, pulled into the driveway, just behind Alex's vehicle and on the opposite side of mine.

Stepping out of her own white van, Lisa eyed me supsciously. "Are you okay?" she interrogated, but I knew it wasn't out of concern. Just simple curiosity.

Ignoring her questioning look and her bombarding questions, I got into my car and pulled out of Alex's familiar driveway as fast as I possibly could.

A few miles down the street, the tears poured down my face. Nonstop. Almost impossible to contain them for even a second.

"I'm suck a fuck up!" I screamed to myself in the silence of my own automobile. Slamming on the breaks as I reached the familiar driveway that belonged to Jared, I tried to wipe the tears the best I could.

Pulling in and managing to get myself out of the car and to the front door, the smile that was plastered on my best friend's face when he had opened the door soon faded at the sight of my tear stained face. "Riley... what's wrong?"

"I want to go home. To Seattle."